Writing for myself

I made a post last night about giving up writing, I was was frustrated at the lack of feedback I have gotten across all platforms and the irony is that when I made this post, I got the feedback that I had one wanted. But in reading the comments on my blog and Facebook, I realized something, my writing at times has been self serving. It hasn’t been about a means of therapy for myself ( which is what it started out to be), it hasn’t been about helping people although I thought it ( other than myself), it’s been about getting validation, feedback, praise, and that’s not why we write.

I think we should write for ourselves, because we are confident in our words, thoughts and feelings and not worry so much about how our writing is perceived.  Oftentimes, my ego gets in the way, a part of me wants to get credit for being a “Great writer”, when the only critic that matters is myself.   Writing is about expressing oneself and speaking from the heart, that’s how I started. I started out sharing the rawest deepest feelings, I hadn’t shared with anyone and it was so cathartic, I felt this weight off my shoulders and when I realized my writing was affecting people in a positive way, I soared but sadly I took the praise too seriously and that’s where I am today.

I also play into the comparison game, I look at other bloggers and posters on social media and see they get more reactions or shares or comments or whatever and I compare myself negatively as if the amount of likes adds to the value of my writing.  I see other people getting published or writing for magazines and getting accolades and that makes me feel inferior, when I should be happy for fellow writers.. I mean, I have never even tried to publish to an online magazine, I am full of fear and self doubt.   I am  mess of a person with a bit or narcissism sprinkled in, it’s about me, I must have the attention and praise or else I am the worst person on the planet. Man, that sounds terrible but it’s the truth.

So right now I am working on writing, posting on social media without focusing on feedback. Whether I get 1 like and comment or a millions reactions, I am going to share my writing with confidence, with the hopes that it can resonate with just one person ( whether they give me feedback or not)

It is going to be a long road, I am person who struggles with self-worth and constantly needs validation. I don’t know where it come from but it’s always been with me. I used to actually ask people if they liked me ( which of course backfired) and old habits die hard.  If I could only learn to love myself enough where I didn’t external need validation ( because that is unpredictable).   I pray that whatever is going on with me will pass and I can be me again.  Thank you as always for the love and support and putting up with  my bullshit, it’s appreciated