My college graduation

Today is a proud day. I was finally able to have a graduation ceremony with my family watching, it wasn’t the one I expected but I am still blessed. I never thought this day would come, I struggled so much during my high school years, I dealt with learning disablities and trauma and just graduating from high school was a feat for me.

Even though I made the effort after high school, I didn’t believe a college degree was in the cards, it seemed daunting and I didn’t have the confidence to take college courses and soon dropped out. But slowly but surely, I did take classes, I passed them and gained my confidence.

I entered a program of study that I was passionate about and I flourished. And the last semester was a really struggle; being forced to take a course that I have learning disabilities in, I must have taken this math class at least 3 times and dropped out each time, I was so frustrated and I felt stupid. I thought I would never graduate and eventually had to petition the school to allow to subsitute the math class ( which is something they rarely did) Through a lot of meetings with the school and prayers, by the grace of God, I managed to get a subsitute class and I passed it, leading to me to finally get my degree.

So today, I can say what I never thought I could say, I am a college graduate, I am so proud of myself, I had a dream of a college degree and it seemed impossible but I never gave up, no matter the obstacles in front of me. I learned more fromt he courses I took, I learned about perservance and patience, I learned that there is hope in a hopeless situation. And I hope to use this part of my story to inspire others to never give and never stop reaching for their dreams.

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No one likes me

No one likes me, they say they do but are they really my friends? This is what my mind has been saying daily to me for most of my life, it says that I’m no good, I’m worthy of friendship, eventually, people get sick of me and abandon me. It feels so real despite having friends who support my mental health advocacy, correspond with me, say they care, my mind can never fully trust them an that hurts. My friends don’t hurt me but my anxiety does, it bullies me into thinking that everyone is against me.

I truly think the one who dislikes me the most is myself, in many ways I hate myself, I don’t know why but I just don’t like the person in the mirror and I figure no one else does either. I call it social paranoia and the paranoia HAS cost me friendships many times, no one wants to around someone who needs constant reassurance, puts themselves down or questions who is friends are, I wouldn’t want to know that person either.

I don’t know if I was always like this but it certainly got worse after I was bullied, I couldn’t trust people and I  became hyper-vigilant in order to protect myself, it’s a constant fear of saying the wrong thing or coming across a certain way and then  I’ll be rejected and rejection stings.

I really don’t have a lot of skills at my disposal to combat my anxiety other than my journal, meds, and prayer, sometimes I may relay on friends but again, oftentimes I feel misunderstood so I keep these social paranoid feelings to myself, I shy away from speaking about it out loud for fear it will further drive people away.

It’s very lonely to have to deal with this anxiety every day. it hurts. I have anxiety attacks over social gaffes I may or may have not made and I’m sure others have forgotten them but my anxiety won’t let me forget it. All I know is that I really struggle with this and writing is my therapy, it’s the only way to process this barrage of anxiety. When is it going to go away, when can I finally relax? I even worry about how this entry is going to be perceived ( if anyone even bothers to read it.)  God, anxiety is the worst but at least I’m not alone, I’m never alone.

 

No one likes me

No one likes me, they say they do but are they really my friends? This is what my mind has been saying daily to me for most of my life, it says that I’m no good, I’m worthy of friendship, eventually, people get sick of me and abandon me. It feels so real despite having friends who support my mental health advocacy, correspond with me, say they care, my mind can never fully trust them an that hurts. My friends don’t hurt me but my anxiety does, it bullies me into thinking that everyone is against me.

I truly think the one who dislikes me the most is myself, in many ways I hate myself, I don’t know why but I just don’t like the person in the mirror and I figure no one else does either. I call it social paranoia and the paranoia HAS cost me friendships many times, no one wants to around someone who needs constant reassurance, puts themselves down or questions who is friends are, I wouldn’t want to know that person either.

I don’t know if I was always like this but it certainly got worse after I was bullied, I couldn’t trust people and I  became hyper-vigilant in order to protect myself, it’s a constant fear of saying the wrong thing or coming across a certain way and then  I’ll be rejected and rejection stings.

I really don’t have a lot of skills at my disposal to combat my anxiety other than my journal, meds, and prayer, sometimes I may relay on friends but again, oftentimes I feel misunderstood so I keep these social paranoid feelings to myself, I shy away from speaking about it out loud for fear it will further drive people away.

It’s very lonely to have to deal with this anxiety every day. it hurts. I have anxiety attacks over social gaffes I may or may have not made and I’m sure others have forgotten them but my anxiety won’t let me forget it. All I know is that I really struggle with this and writing is my therapy, it’s the only way to process this barrage of anxiety. When is it going to go away, when can I finally relax? I even worry about how this entry is going to be perceived ( if anyone even bothers to read it.)  God, anxiety is the worst but at least I’m not alone, I’m never alone.

The silver lining: Gratitude

This self isolation is really difficult on everyone right now including myself, I starting to see the silver lining in these difficult times. I may be stuck home but I am spending quality time with my family and that is helping me cope because I am grateful to have two parents that will always love me and go above and beyond to support me, I love them.

I am taking this time to journal and write poetry, not for the world but for me; so I can cope and make sense of the chaos that surrounds us. Writing is my passion and my saving grace right now. And I hope to look at my writing from this time and see how I grew and became stronger as a result of these challenges.

I am very and isolated like everyone else but I have all this technology, I can call or text people, I can make video calls on zoom, I can post my thoughts and feelings and get immediate feedback. I can do live videos and my friends are so kind that it warms my heart. I love my friends online, they have no idea how they all mean to me and how much I appreciate their support.

I just wanted to add some positivity and mention that things are tough right now but there is always a silver lining, a rainbow after the storm. We will get through this, we in this together,  stay safe and take of yourselves.

 

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My brother

When I was 14, my brother took his life and after that, I remember having the need to talk about it a lot and I soon realized that it made people uncomfortable and their discomfort made me anxious so I stopped talking so much about it and I stuffed all those feelings inside for many years. A few years ago when I started to heal, I decided to write about my brother and post it publically, I was nervous about it because I wasn’t sure what people’s reactions would be and I realized that their reactions didn’t matter and the reason I was posting was to heal and help myself, I also realized that I not only was writing about my brother helping me but it could also help someone else who had lost someone to suicide or even someone who was struggling with suicidal thoughts themselves, it was healing for them too. So even if it makes some people uncomfortable I still write about my brother from time to time so that I can use my story to help someone, that’s what it’s all about.🙏

 

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The day I started writing

I felt rejected, my feelings on display and I just felt empty and hopeless, so I sat on a bench and just writing my feelings about her and everything else that had been on my mind for the past 14 years, I just wrote so much, I was in a frenzy. I had never written to sort out my feelings and it was cathartic. I sat that shopping mall parking lot and wrote for hours all while listening to music and although those writings are long gone, I will never forget that moment where I truly started writing for the first time.

My writing is published

I wanted to tell all of my followers that I submitted one of my poems to a writing website, it has been approved and they are going to publish it. I am not getting paid but this will give my writing more exposure, I am so excited right now because I have never published writing outside of my blog and social media. And I was really afraid of my piece being rejected but clearly it’s worth publishing to them.

 

I am so grateful for all of the support I have gotten from my blog and my social media platforms, I never in a million expected this. I wrote and continue to write for therapeutic reasons and I really didn’t think I would get such a positive response from sharing my writing.

 

I felt so alone for so many years and I kept my feelings inside; not expressing them for fear of judgement. I had so much hurt and pain, that I was just a broken person. But once I started writing, it became a flood of emotions and I wrote and wrote and wrote, I just needed to get it all out. And afterwards I was able to finally heal. And my purpose was to help myself but I had no idea that it was helping others as well, which warmed my heart, that my writing could encourage someone else to open with their feelings, that was never my original intent but words have power, don’t they?.

 

For everyone who has supported my writing and shown me love and understanding, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your support means the world to me and you have given me the confidence to share my writing and grow as a writer. Thank you for coming along with me on my writing journey and I will continue to write, it’s an essential vitamin at this point.

Dealing with online bullies

You know, I really take pride in my writing and I do it for therapeutic reasons and also I hope my words can reach people in a meaningful way. I do mental health advocacy across all social media platforms including creating a mental health group that is growing and has become a means of support for a quite a few people, I am so proud of that.

I share most of what’s happening in my life and for the most part the support has been incredible, people are kind and their words have really made a difference and I hope that I have made a difference by being a supportive, caring person who wants to help those with mental illness.

All that being said, every so often ( I am sure it’s the same person) will go on my blog and post a barrage of insults, usually they are small and it rolls off my back but this time this person was brutal and I thought the best thing to do was to address it head on.  This person basically alluded to the fact that I whine and am looking for sympathy.  I am not trying hard enough to get a degree and that I don’t want to work and live off of my family, they said I had no life experience and I wasn’t a writer, based on my ignorance and use of vulgar language ( according to them).

Now, I don’t go around insulting people, in fact I think, I am nothing but nice. I don’t see anything in my blogs that are hurtful and I don’t think reaching out and talking about mental health is “whining”. So I have no idea who this person is and why they felt the need to say such hurtful things. But it  is clear, they are hurting and taking it out on me, which is a symptom of mental illness, because a happy healthy person wouldn’t feel the need to do that.

I have nothing left to say. I blocked them and hopefully by making this private they can’t see this post.  Right now, I am really upset and it’s the kind of thing that makes me want to share less or stop writing all together.

Online bullies on WordPress

You know, I really take pride in my writing and I do it for therapeutic reasons and also I hope my words can reach people in a meaningful way. I do mental health advocacy across all social media platforms including creating a mental health group that is growing and has become a means of support for a quite a few people, I am so proud of that.

I share most of what’s happening in my life and for the most part the support has been incredible, people are kind and their words have really made a difference and I hope that I have made a difference by being a supportive, caring person who wants to help those with mental illness.

All that being said, every so often ( I am sure it’s the same person) will go on my blog and post a barrage of insults, usually they are small and it rolls off my back but this time this person was brutal and I thought the best thing to do was to address it head on.  This person basically alluded to the fact that I whine and am looking for sympathy.  I am not trying hard enough to get a degree and that I don’t want to work and live off of my family, they said I had no life experience and I wasn’t a writer, based on my ignorance and use of vulgar language ( according to them).

Now, I don’t go around insulting people, in fact I think, I am nothing but nice. I don’t see anything in my blogs that are hurtful and I don’t think reaching out and talking about mental health is “whining”. So I have no idea who this person is and why they felt the need to say such hurtful things. But it  is clear, they are hurting and taking it out on me, which is a symptom of mental illness, because a happy healthy person wouldn’t feel the need to do that.

And people say it’s just a troll and to ignore it but it doesn’t hurt any less. So I didn’t want to do this but I have my blog private, only viewable to those who are already following me. That hurts because I know my family reads my blogs, they love it but they aren’t following me, only looking through the website. But to stop the harassment, I have no choice but to make my blog private. And it’s due to an obviously sick individual that needs serious help. I have nothing left to say. I blocked them and hopefully by making this private they can’t see this post.  Right now, I am really upset and it’s the kind of thing that makes me want to share less or stop writing all together.

 

Is there a way to report this person to WordPress if they are not a registered user ( Only posting through email?

Ego vs Soul

This was written by a fellow writer friend of mine. Please follow her on instagram- thetruthwriter

 

LIONESS…
EMPRESS, A High Priestess.
An innocent.
A conjurer, a conqueror.
A Rebel.
A devil and a God.
I am Human.
Living this experience.
What is this.
Can I master it.
A master of peace
A masterpiece.
I know.
I am divine.
Sacred and shit.
This self mastery is hard as fuck.
I’m up for it
I’ll never give up.
But I accept I am flawless as fuck.
Perfectly IMPERFECT and such.
As I honor my flaws and not giving a fuck.
I rise up.
I ebb n flow.
I show up for myself.
Sometimes I wish I was someone else
Somewhere else.
Is this mental illness
Or mental wellness.
Searching for something deeper.
A depth of me u can not reach.
Knowing the death of my ego
Is the rebirth of my soul.
Not a believer, but a knower – my Soul.
A flower.
She knows.
Out of the ashes.
Wearing her scars.
She came so far
Still reaching and searching for her heart.
I am limitless beyond belief, soul reminds the monkey mind.
I return to the hive and universal mind.
Illusion is time.
Rewind, I can not.
For I am in this space.
can I go to space.
Is it real.
Are we really in a bubble
Is there a devil.
All these human constructs.
Am I going to hell.
I was born in hell.
I had to go through hell to reach my heaven.
Do I know who i am.
Hell fucking no.
Because I am still becoming.
I am evolving
Shifting
Ascending
Transcending
Enlightening.
REMEMBERING
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Though I walk through the valleys of the shadows of death, I will fear no evil, for I know evil.
I am the LIGHT
The darkness waits for me.
I SHINE BRIGHT.
The ego surrenders knowing it can not escape OR rule thee.
I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED TO CREATE A FULFILLING LIFE WITHIN ME.
For I am the ruler of my kingdom,
I AM THE TEMPLE OF THE LIVING GOD – ASHLEY.

 

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