Falashbub of memories, like a movie, time gone by, a cold thanksgiving 2002, at a meeting in another part of town, out there ( in the boonies). Why are we at a meeting and why are there so many people here? Feeling apart again, I light up another cigarette, I do that around a lot of people. I love to see the smoke in the cold air. Its amazing how you can among 30 or 40 other people and never feel more alone in your life. I light another cigarette. Maybe it wasn’t a meeting, it could have been a dinner, I don’t remember. Had dinner at my friends house, it was alright, I’m more used to have Thanksgiving with my own family. Wait or was this Christmas? Such a blur, so many intersecting memories
I think about time a lot
I think about a social group I was in my late teens/early 20s
I think about where I was as a person then and how I stacked up to others around me, they always seemed to be doing better than me, moving forward while I felt stuck.
I think about I tried hard to connect with them and usually failed and went home frustrated
I resented them but continue to show up because I didn’t want to home alone
Years I did this, not realizing being alone was better than trying to get people to be your friends who clearly don’t like you.
It hurt, so I left, trying to not look back.
I forgot a lot of them, their names, faces but yet time to time they pop up in my head.
Very few are on my social media, that’s intentional.
But I tried to block that experience and the people associated with it out of my head, but they remain.
I do remember them. I remember going out and doing things. I remember things people said, even small insignificant conversations. I remember that there were some people who were nice and not half bad. But all the other assholes overshadowed them..
But here I am, twenty years later and I say “oh shit, was it that long ago?” I’ve been holding onto these feelings and these people for twenty years? Why?
If they were so horrible, why do they still take up space in my head?
Now, I don’t reminisce fondly but I wonder where they are?
I wonder if they’ve grown up and become better people? Have I done the same?
Have they moved on, both emotionally and maybe even physicaly?
I wonder about the girl who worked in the surf shop, where’s she?
Oh the guy who used to throw all those parties, what’s he up to?
How is that guy who played poker every Friday doing?
No clue. And I don’t want to know. But maybe if I did, I could see them as they are now and not as the people I’ve been holding onto all these years.
A running theme through my head is that all the people I knew are dead. The versions of them that I remember are long gone. And now they’re reborn into completely different people with careers, families, houses, grey hair, new addresses and that’s the way it should be, yet I’m still surprised on an emotional level. Like, why can’t things stay the same forever?
Time is a funny thing, it moves whether we want it to or not but are we moving with it?
For the longest time, I thought you didn’t love me, you didn’t care. I called for you so many times and I felt ignored, so I ignored you and went on my own way, two can play at this game. I forged my own path without you because I could make it my own just fine. And I survived, I lived my life without you, I carried on. But I felt empty and lost and still angry, angry at everything and everyone. My heart became stone, an unsurmountable wall. But still I carried as if this was the way life was supposed. I searched and searched for answers elsewhere, coming up short everytime. Even in the places, I thought I might find you, you didn’t seem to be there, much to my surprise. But one day alone more morning, you did seem to come back, you spoke to me. And I finally heard you. And I realized that as far as I tried to run, you were there the only time. You weren’t ignoring me, I just couldn’t hear you, I wasn’t ready. Now it’s clear. No matter how far I stray, you’ll always be there, you just had to reach me in a way that finally made sense. Just me and you, so the rest of the noise doesn’t drown you out. You were patient and I will take that patience on, whenever i need you and the answer isnt as fast as I’d like because I know it will come eventually. And that[s all I have to say.. for now..
Awake from my long slumber I become aware my dream is over.
My reality hits, my eyes are red, my throat raw, body aches, I don’t want to get up.
I manage to drag myself out of bed and turn on the light, blinding..
I sit to regain my composure.
But I force myself to the kitchen, I must eat something even though I don’t feel like it.
Too lazy to cook, I grab a muffin lying on the kitchen table and make a pot of coffee.
Coffee is finally made, I have my muffin, i’m ready to start my day.
I savor the first bite of my muffin but something is wrong. I feel my face scrunch up, my eyes tear up, uh oh, I know what this is, how can I stop it?
I try to contain this incoming explosion from my sinuses but I know this is a losing battle. It’s only a matter of time.
Finally the battle is lost, I let out a loud ahhhhhhhhhhhhh chooooooooooooo!!
My coffee cup falls shattering on the floors, hot coffee spills on my leg. My eaten muffin piece hit s the wall and my eyes are too wet to see.
Stupid fucking allegires, ruined my morning. Again. Thanks guys…
Time isn’t forever
Lost childhood, on the cusp of emerging adulthood.
Time moves on and so do you.
Aging is effortless as time flies.
The memories grow longer, somehow more complicated.
The cycle of life. Now we’re the adults.
Seeing it before my eyes, where did the time go?
Older, more frail, memory escapes me as I lay in bed, trying to remember.
Did I make the most of the time I was given?
Did I make an impact?
Will they remember me? I hope they will, just as I’ll remember them until my last breath..
It’s my head.
I’m needed, I’m loved and so are you.
We matter, each and every day.
Sometimes the noise clouds our thoughts, we feel lost.
Take a breath, hug the wall, hum a song and know you’re not alone.
You are ok.
Compassion without limits
Judgement cast aside
An oasis of love..
You may be successful but you may not be happy. You may be happy but not successful. You may have tons of friends and feel lonely. Or you may no friends and feel content. You may have it all and still want more, you may be totally broke and grateful for the little you have. You may be educated and clueless. You may know more than most and never entered a school hall. Life’s a paradox, enjoy the ride.
I was worried but I forgot what I was worried about and now I’m worrying about what I forgot about.
An endless sea of swirling thoughts and I worry if I don’t write this down I’ll worry more and I may not sleep and spend another day worrying.
A ping pong sequence in my brain, day in day out. And I’m worried that…
Oh social media..
Somedays I’m high off your vibes
A notification here, a message there, oh someone liked my post and even commented
So much activity and so much to absorb
Seeing people through the lens of what they choose to post but it’s not reality,no one’s hitting home runs every day
I’m feeling great, my head’s a buzzing..
But suddenly the likes fade, the messages cease and I wonder if I’ve been forgotten. Maybe I should scroll more? No, that will make me even more anxious
I no longer feel as happier as I did an hour ago, I feel worse, I feel frustrated at people I don’t even know
The high is gone and I’m coming down.
Crash and burn and I want to hide away.
Fucking addiction, the one who run this place I hate them, they know what they’re doing.
I say I’m done for a while, of course, I wake up the next day and start all over again, woe is me when this post goes unnoticed ..