I think about time a lot
I think about a social group I was in my late teens/early 20s
I think about where I was as a person then and how I stacked up to others around me, they always seemed to be doing better than me, moving forward while I felt stuck.
I think about I tried hard to connect with them and usually failed and went home frustrated
I resented them but continue to show up because I didn’t want to home alone
Years I did this, not realizing being alone was better than trying to get people to be your friends who clearly don’t like you.
It hurt, so I left, trying to not look back.
I forgot a lot of them, their names, faces but yet time to time they pop up in my head.
Very few are on my social media, that’s intentional.
But I tried to block that experience and the people associated with it out of my head, but they remain.
I do remember them. I remember going out and doing things. I remember things people said, even small insignificant conversations. I remember that there were some people who were nice and not half bad. But all the other assholes overshadowed them..
But here I am, twenty years later and I say “oh shit, was it that long ago?” I’ve been holding onto these feelings and these people for twenty years? Why?
If they were so horrible, why do they still take up space in my head?
Now, I don’t reminisce fondly but I wonder where they are?
I wonder if they’ve grown up and become better people? Have I done the same?
Have they moved on, both emotionally and maybe even physicaly?
I wonder about the girl who worked in the surf shop, where’s she?
Oh the guy who used to throw all those parties, what’s he up to?
How is that guy who played poker every Friday doing?
No clue. And I don’t want to know. But maybe if I did, I could see them as they are now and not as the people I’ve been holding onto all these years.
A running theme through my head is that all the people I knew are dead. The versions of them that I remember are long gone. And now they’re reborn into completely different people with careers, families, houses, grey hair, new addresses and that’s the way it should be, yet I’m still surprised on an emotional level. Like, why can’t things stay the same forever?
Time is a funny thing, it moves whether we want it to or not but are we moving with it?