Why I don’t talk to you…

To whom it may concern, I want you to know that I would love to talk to you and get to know you more but my shyness overtakes me. And it may seem as though I’m abrupt or not talktative, it’s not you, it’s all me. And you may wonder why I can only talk to a few people and seem oblivious to everyone else, it is crippling anxiety. Sometimes you may say hello and I speak too loud or not say a word, I just can’t find the words to start a conversation, I would give anything to able to do that but I can’t. I mean, there so much going on in my head that I’m almost startled when someone tries to talk to me, it’s like being awoken from a deep sleep, totally lost in thought. And when I finally feel ready to say hello, there’s 2 or 3 other people around you and forget it, I’ll wait another time and of course that time never comes. And I wonder what you must think of me, do you think I don’t like you, do you wonder why I’m so nervous or are you even aware? I do wonder why, I can talk to some people easily and yet with others, it’s unbearable, a chore to start a conversation and how do we continue, they never seem to to last. A “hello” “how are you” and that’s the extent of it, that always saddens me. And I don’t want small talk,, I want a real conversation. I really want to know how you are. And when you ask me how I am, I want to actually to tell you but I know you’re not interested and so a short “I’m fine” seems to suffice and then it’s back to the corner of the room where my thoughts swirl around rapidly, wondering what all these stranger’s face think of me. They must hate me, they have to, I mean, who could possibly like me?

Why I don’t talk to you…

To whom it may concern, I want you to know that I would love to talk to you and get to know you more but my shyness overtakes me. And it may seem as though I’m abrupt or not talktative, it’s not you, it’s all me. And you may wonder why I can only talk to a few people and seem oblivious to everyone else, it is crippling anxiety. Sometimes you may say hello and I speak too loud or not say a word, I just can’t find the words to start a conversation, I would give anything to able to do that but I can’t. I mean, there so much going on in my head that I’m almost startled when someone tries to talk to me, it’s like being awoken from a deep sleep, totally lost in thought. And when I finally feel ready to say hello, there’s 2 or 3 other people around you and forget it, I’ll wait another time and of course that time never comes. And I wonder what you must think of me, do you think I don’t like you, do you wonder why I’m so nervous or are you even aware? I do wonder why, I can talk to some people easily and yet with others, it’s unbearable, a chore to start a conversation and how do we continue, they never seem to to last. A “hello” “how are you” and that’s the extent of it, that always saddens me. And I don’t want small talk,, I want a real conversation. I really want to know how you are. And when you ask me how I am, I want to actually to tell you but I know you’re not interested and so a short “I’m fine” seems to suffice and then it’s back to the corner of the room where my thoughts swirl around rapidly, wondering what all these stranger’s face think of me. They must hate me, they have to, I mean, who could possibly like me?

The show must go on

You’re an actor and you just wrapped up the series finale of the long running show you were on. Enjoy the bittersweet spotlight but don’t hold onto to it too long. Say your goodbyes but prepare for other roles ( even if they may not be as successful). Getting stuck in the past roles and romantising what is over and done with doesn’t serve you well, the show must go on…

Trees

May be an image of flower, nature and tree

The passage of time is like if you had always a tree outside of your window and one day you woke up and the tree had been cut. You barely noticed the tree outside before and you figured it would always be there, so you never took the time to appreciate the tree, the beautiful leaves, the sturdy trunk, you were too busy to see the tree outside of your window. Suddenly your view seems empty; you have a longing to see that tree again but it’s gone. And you can always plant a new tree but it will never be quite the same, so your lament in bittersweet sadness and think back to the tree you once had..

I don’t care what you think..

I don’t care what you think, no wait I do, I don’t know, I waffle a lot in my own mind, sometimes I genuinely don’t care other times I care so much it consumes me. When acceptance from others always alluded you, you search for it in anyway you can, rejection cuts deep, even decades years later, that was a lonely playground and an even lonelier heart. This will take time and I’ve got plenty of it, healing is life-long and I’m prepared for the long haul.. ❤

Hope

That summer I saw hope and I lost hope, feeling misunderstood, feeling alone in a crowd of many..

A cloud of cigarette smoke and loud car radios, why am I even here?

Simplistic cliches and fear mongering..

Crushed by a crush, memories past.. 20 years ago, was it that long?

Transition into adulthood, is this fear normal?

Do you know Bill? No, kind of but they seem to love him..

Can I get a ride a ome. It’s ok, I’ll figure it out..

My sweet friends

I heard some music outside my window today, my sweet friends were singing . chriping their hearts out. They’re sang life is good, let’s sing about it. life is joyful, life is one big concert, let’s make the most of it. It’s a gorgeous day, hello Mr Sun, there s so much to be happy about, we should all be singing. Even if our wings our clipped, we still have a song to sing. Not only do we sing for ourselves but the whole world, the music flows from the heart. Thank you, friends for reminding me how beautiful life can be. Visit anytime you’d like, you are always welcome..

Perfectly perfected perfection

Perfectly perfected perfection

The right angle, the right pose, the write words..

Somehow a glimmer of imperfection shines through..

A cohesive stream of thoughts, ready to melt the walls

Perfection takes up energy, imperfection is an easier pill to swallow..

Honesty is less exhausting or is it?

Learning to strike a balance between being honest and hiding the madness. An acceptable amount of madness? Maybe that’s the key..

The dream I had last night ( moving on)

I wanted to share a dream I had last night that really affected me. I dreamt that I was on the pool path two doors from my house. I was looking at my next-door neighbor’s house( who I was also friends with) and asking where they had gone since I hadn’t seen them in so long. My mom said something about them moving into an apartment while they were building a new home somewhere else.It doesn’t seem like much a dream but to me the dream represents people moving on in some way and the passage of time, while I feel stuck in it. Emotionally in the dream, I’m 14 ( when my brother died) and I can’t understand that time has moved on but I have remained the same. And also death, some people have passed away in a physical sense but also the people I knew as they were ( and this goes for everyone I grew up with) are no more, they are adults now, with families of their own, and nothing is the same. The school isn’t the same. the church isn’t the same, the area surrounding it has changed, the neighbors are all different, yet I hold onto it, like it’s still 1997. Dreams and the concept of time are fascinating things to me.