I don’t care what you think..

I don’t care what you think, no wait I do, I don’t know, I waffle a lot in my own mind, sometimes I genuinely don’t care other times I care so much it consumes me. When acceptance from others always alluded you, you search for it in anyway you can, rejection cuts deep, even decades years later, that was a lonely playground and an even lonelier heart. This will take time and I’ve got plenty of it, healing is life-long and I’m prepared for the long haul.. ❤

Hope

That summer I saw hope and I lost hope, feeling misunderstood, feeling alone in a crowd of many..

A cloud of cigarette smoke and loud car radios, why am I even here?

Simplistic cliches and fear mongering..

Crushed by a crush, memories past.. 20 years ago, was it that long?

Transition into adulthood, is this fear normal?

Do you know Bill? No, kind of but they seem to love him..

Can I get a ride a ome. It’s ok, I’ll figure it out..

My sweet friends

I heard some music outside my window today, my sweet friends were singing . chriping their hearts out. They’re sang life is good, let’s sing about it. life is joyful, life is one big concert, let’s make the most of it. It’s a gorgeous day, hello Mr Sun, there s so much to be happy about, we should all be singing. Even if our wings our clipped, we still have a song to sing. Not only do we sing for ourselves but the whole world, the music flows from the heart. Thank you, friends for reminding me how beautiful life can be. Visit anytime you’d like, you are always welcome..

Perfectly perfected perfection

Perfectly perfected perfection

The right angle, the right pose, the write words..

Somehow a glimmer of imperfection shines through..

A cohesive stream of thoughts, ready to melt the walls

Perfection takes up energy, imperfection is an easier pill to swallow..

Honesty is less exhausting or is it?

Learning to strike a balance between being honest and hiding the madness. An acceptable amount of madness? Maybe that’s the key..

The dream I had last night ( moving on)

I wanted to share a dream I had last night that really affected me. I dreamt that I was on the pool path two doors from my house. I was looking at my next-door neighbor’s house( who I was also friends with) and asking where they had gone since I hadn’t seen them in so long. My mom said something about them moving into an apartment while they were building a new home somewhere else.It doesn’t seem like much a dream but to me the dream represents people moving on in some way and the passage of time, while I feel stuck in it. Emotionally in the dream, I’m 14 ( when my brother died) and I can’t understand that time has moved on but I have remained the same. And also death, some people have passed away in a physical sense but also the people I knew as they were ( and this goes for everyone I grew up with) are no more, they are adults now, with families of their own, and nothing is the same. The school isn’t the same. the church isn’t the same, the area surrounding it has changed, the neighbors are all different, yet I hold onto it, like it’s still 1997. Dreams and the concept of time are fascinating things to me.

When advocacy and spreading awareness goes too far..

For a long time, I have been advocating for mental health and using my own experiences to spread awareness, it works because I am an adult and I can control what I choose to put there and I understand the consquences or sharing parts of my life. Lately, I’ve abandoned Facebook and have been scrolling through tiktok, there are some wonderful communities that advocate for mental health and disabillities, I think that is wonderful but there are some things I am seeing that really shake me to my core. And I want to point that I am not a parent, so I don’t understand what it is like to care for a child with disabilities or mental health issues but I was a child who did struggle, I acted out, was in special education, so I am on the other end, I was the one that needed to be taken care of. That being said I see a lot of parents and caretakers advocate for their children online and it’s important, the public should be educated about these issues but I see posts to me that are way too personal. For example I see parents talking about how their child specifically acted out in a store and how they comforted them. On the surface, for parents, this may not seem like a bad thing, it’s a comfort for other parents who might be dealing with the same issues but I think of the child. Did the child ask for permission for this event to be posted publically for so many to see? Can a 5 or 6 year consent to that? Years later how are they to feel knowing their parent posted something so personal online? I know that I acted out many times as a kid, it was embrassing and painful. And if my mother ( thank God the internet didn’t exist) had post publically about me throwing a tantrum in public and crying my eyes out to thousands of strangers on the internet I would have been devastated and very angry. And I might even hold that against her to this day. People are trying to do the right thing, they are trying to spread awareness but it’s at the expense of their children’s well being, it bothers me and it shows how damanging and toxic social media can be. To used a cliched meme: Won’t somebody think of the children?

Grief

Grief is not a linear process and we all grieve in our own ways. I have learned in my life that grief never fully leaves you, you learn to acknowledge it and accept the reality but the pain will always be there, there’s a void, something missing that can’t be replaced. The screams turn into whimpers and the sharp needle at your side dulls after a time but it still hurts. You begin to forget their face and the sound of their voice, lost to time but the memory remains, no matter how hazy it may be. You wonder why you’re stuck, you wonder why you’re moving forward is a snail’s pace. All we can ask from those around us is patience, understanding, and love, even decades later. ❤LikeCommentShare

What I have learned from being away from social media

I can’t tell you how many times I have made a post about Facebook and mental health, it has been a real struggle for me. And I have tried several times to cut down my social media usage to no avail but I feel like I have finally made some real progress. To back up a bit, I was was struggling a lot the last few months, especially as Facebook changed it’s algorithms and created new features to keep our attention and addicted to the site.

My goal was always to reach people and connect with my message of mental health advocacy, there was a time where I wasn’t reaching as many people as I would have liked and I felt frustrated, I wondered if it was me or the algorithm and if Facebook decided to show my posts to my friends or not. I asked people how they got the algorithm to show their posts more, people suggested answering comments quicker and interacting with more people, I did all that and suddenly was able to reach more people and it felt great at first, I felt heard and validated and I was overwhelmed by all the positive feedback. It made me realized that a lot of people did care and they would have connected as reacted if they had seen the posts, it was bittersweet because I still resented the fact that I had to jump hoops and spend a lot of time and energy in order to be heard. It was like if I played Facebook’s game, then I’d get the rewarded, if I didn’t I was punished, it was a hostage situation.

I spent a large amount of time scrolling through my newsfeed, interacting with people, in the hopes that I would lead to my posts being more visible and I found myself constantly triggered by the highlight reels, constant smiling faces, people with good jobs during a pandemic, people in seemingly healthy relationships, finacially independent with plenty of friends( in real life) and family to support them. And not just that but seeing people getting more likes or comments then me sent my envy spiraling. Seeing all these people interact with each other made me wonder why they weren’t commenting on my posts, why they weren’t sending messages and if they were intentionally ignoring me. And if the newsfeed wasn’t bad enough, there was the stories feature which was a another way for people to boast about their lives, while mine was pitiful in comparsion, it was all too much, very overwhelming and it destroyed my self esteem. It came to a head when I saw a post from an Faceobok friend that used to talk to me a lot but I hadn’t heard from them in almost a year, I figured they were busy. It was a post about a zoom chat that was taking place and I thought “Oh that person wasn’t busy, they just didn’t want to talk to me anymore” It sounds stupid but thats the anxiety that social media causes for me.

So despite more people on my posts and getting more likes, it didn’t make me happy, it felt nothing except empitiness. I started to feel frustrated with everything I saw on Facebook, whether it was people only on there for business, highlight reels, fake interactions and fake friendships, negativity, trolls. algorithm, etc. And I stopped posting for about a week but still checked my profiles for notiifcations.

After awhile of not posting, I felt as though I could deactivate my account which is what I did. And I am trying to process this through therapy and in my own head, I am reflecting on how i want to approach Facebook, if I ever decide to come back and I am not sure if I will. I still feel anxious when I think of Facebook and everything that bothers me about it but I am not constantly triggered and even if I am inside my house doing nothing, at least its reality and I am not worried about what other people are doing. Right now, I just have to take care of myself and have faith things will work out the way their supposed to.

Underneath hope

Reocurring memory back in young adulthood, riding around, around people but completely alone, seated in the backseat, she’s so beautiful, she’s seated between me and her boyfriend, why don’t I have someone like her? Underneath it all playing on the speakers, headed back from the diner, mesmerized by the lighted up town, silently thinking to myself that I feel empty, the usual feeling, the song brings it back to the surface, hope, a-dale, bleak, teenage awkwardness in full display and they can all see it, so the msuic overtakes me while I escape into my own mind, if only for this song..

Changes

Major life changes.Processing past spirits, buried deep inside, pain, pressure release.

Restraint, a determination to heal and try anything to feel better.New footsteps, dedication to change.

The boulders, throw off my back, still heavy but a bit lighter.

Seeking support, guidance, an answer, something, anything.Words soothe, they flow from my hands to my fingers to the page; in a raging fury; pent up emotions, it’s exhausting, it’s exhausting to me.

Do you want to trade places? See how my feet feel in your shoes, empathetic exchanges of energy from me to you.

Words are crisp, right out of the oven of thought, while we dine on emotional resonance. Bon Appetit…