Never am I good enough. Why can’t I be more like them? Why can’t I be more like you? Self assured and understood, not a contridictory mess; full of hiccups and spelling errors.Cruel self talk, constant comparison, self pitying ramblings of a shattered mind.. When will it be good enough? Did I say something or do something? I haven’t from them in so long.Left out, self criticism, anxieties in a digital age.I scream into the void, getting sounds of dial up modems parroting back at me. Lonely lost and confused in a world that doesn’t even understand itself…
Silence speaks volumes, there is power in omitted words. And sometimes we are out of breath and the words won’t come out, despite our best efforts.Mental fatigue, cloud of confusion, full force manipulation, the heart can only take so much, a familiar path, trip wire of past memories, sour stomach.Find those who like and accept you fully, no questioning, you just know you’re safe and out of harm’s way.Focus on the good, talk about the hurt if you need to but file it away when you’re finished. No more energy wasted on one’s that can’t see your worth, we all deserve more. We got this! Let’s walk this path feeling love and worthy as we truly are
This is the time to be thankful, not ungrateful, a state of mind that’s loving, never hateful.I’m so blessed, been put to the test but I’m feeling my best and putting the negativity to rest.I listen to the signs, I put the past behind me and find a brighter way to live for today.I’m moving forward, toward my dreams and it seems like I might just make it and as I sit and write, feels right, no more fright, only courage in my sight, never letting anyone dim my light.Life has it’s trials but while I live them, I grow and know that I’ll make it through because I’m not the person I once knew, I grew, I changed, with age, I became stronger and I’m no longer the frightened lion but a soaring Eagle flyin’, majestically through the air.I am grateful, always thankful, always loving, never hateful, I am me.
Why won’t you concede? It’s not about what you want, its about what we need.
A feeling, Healing, some peace and then the hurt can begin to cease. Deep breaths..I know, politics makes us divided but we’ve already decided its time for you to go.
Your ego is shattered but it doesn’t matter, you’re proud but we’re allowed to make our choice, make our voice heard, your ass is out the door, you don’t get another four, no more, we’re done, let someone else run the show cause we know we’ve had enough, your time is up, so go.
I’ve become an unwitting star in my very own movie; lights, camera,action. The picture is called “Life”, a never ending film reel of pivotal moments meant to entertain the masses, in their chairs at the edge of their seats. I cry, they laugh, I laugh, they boo. A stream of contradictions from the flickering projector, the theatre of judgement, the air, icy cold.Confounded, I step from the movie screen and into the spotlight, I break into a sweat and shake uncontrollably, much to the delight of the crowd.Panicked, I run toward the exit but it’s locked as the crowd corners me, their piercing eyes in my direction, their smiles half cocked, I’m surrounded, I cower like a child and disappear into thin air..End scene and cut!!
A little pink pill in the morning, pulse races, heart beats faster. eyes dilate, I’m wide awake, all this new energy, I feel confident.I smoke a cigarette to compliment this energized feeling, I’m so strong, I feel so good, on top of the world.
I turn the music up way loud ( all mixed up), turn the bath and soak in the tub, feeling nothing but euphoria.
I head to my pointless job but with a feeling of artificial confidence, I can talk to anyone, I’m not scared anymore, days that used to drag, now fly by, time has it’s own schedule.
I’m straight until mid afternoon, the dreaded come down but my little blue friend will help, something to sooth the burn of coming down, a chilly pharmaceutical wave of calmness. I may like this a bit too much, something’s not right. Someone get me off this ride, now. t
I had such a strange dream last night. I had a dream that I was a baseball game at Camden Yards, I was walking around the stadium aimlessly. I drove my car from the top parking deck to to this garage and parked, it was a very small space and I was the only car there. I then realized there was no exit to drive out of and it was abandoned.I walked and was another level of the garage where there were cars and it was busy. I was told that I wasn’t allowed to park my garage on the lower level and I was in trouble.They had taken everything from my car and Dave Chapelle was working there, he said. said they found drugs and I was in serious trouble. I was really nervous and was asking people for help but no one would help me.Why are my dreams so weird?
We are the change, our voices heard loud and clear, after feeling unheard for so long, we can rejoice, we can cheer loudly. We can drown out the angry voices, the rhetoric, the lies. Hope is back and it feels good. We were surrounded by darkness, confusion, uncertainty and a creeping malaise. Death was at our doorstep, fear, rising ignorance and hate, yes, hate. But evil cannot and will not sustain itself, it cannot last forever. Love and hope prevails, good prevails, justice prevails, equality prevails.Yes, we were down for the count, our spirits nearly crushed but we held onto better days and here we are, savoring our democracy, it may be splintered but it’s still intacted.God bless our democracy and God bless America..
I had this dream that I was traveling, I was in this small mountain town, I keep looking at the mountains from this big hill and just saying how beautiful it was. I was with a friend and suddenly these women showed up and started talking with us, they were social media influencers and I was talking to them about what I do on Facebook, they seemed interested.At one point, we were helping to clean their apartment, there was this Native American woman there who didn’t speak but kept staring at me, I was nervous. I broke their oven and I was trying to fix it without them noticing.I was also concerned because I could find this Facebook friend. I was wondering if they had disabled their account or blocked me. And suddenly I looked up and realized that none of us were wearing masks, I was like “Hey, why aren’t we wearing masks?” One girl was like “It doesn’t matter, none of us have covid” But I wasn’t convinced, all I wanted to do at that point was leave..
The past is a funny thing, it’s like a neighborhood, some people’s doors and windows are open, with the sunshine coming in, welcoming. Other houses, the lights are out, the blinds are shut, the doors are all locked, and not a soul in sight. Everyone use to know you here and you were a part of this neighborhood but with times, things change, nothing is forever. Got keep on movin on…