A funeral

I listened to the Unplugged in New York album over and over again, a last gasp, a funeral with flowers layed out, I searched for clues,,, all these years, I still don’t have an answer. 😥

 

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Does my anxiety make you anxious?

Usually when we talk about anxiety, we talk about it makes us feel but we also forget that sometimes our anxiety makes other people uncomfortable, they sense we are nervous and don’t know why, so they either think we are up to something or perplexed as to why we are so nervous when they are so calm. And of course for the anxious person, they pick up on their discomfort of the calmer person which only increases the anxiety, It’s a terrible thing, this anxiety. And to make matters worse, no one talks about anxiety openly, so we are left feeling alone (when we are not). Just my anxious thoughts a 1:45 am in the morning. 😕 😬

Bipolar

Sometimes I do my best to manage my bipolar but circumstances beyond my control disrupt those managing patterns; sometimes I can’t sleep as much as I need and I know I’m in trouble, my brain gets fuzzy, my mind races, my eyes feel like they are on fire, I feel angry and depressed and anxious as hell ; just a passive-aggressive nightmare.

I am a live wire at this moment and I’m angry; not at anyone particular but angry that I have this fuckin disorder, that I can’t be like everyone else, that during my manic periods I act in ways, I regret, I say and do things that I don’t remember; well maybe I do somewhat but it’s hazy, its like being high or drunk, everything feels like a blank and the whole day is lost when I don’t sleep well; lost in the abyss of my own racing thoughts; a frantic freeway or words and theories and inner grumblings; paranoia, they all hate me; im no good; im defective, my brain doesn’t work like yours and that’s why everyone rejects me.

They hear the rapid speech and see the darting eyes and back away in fear; they know I’m not ok, and if I had just gotten some sleep, they wouldn’t have seen the bipolar monster before them. This isn’t me; it’s my Mr Hyde who spings out at the most inopportune times. The meds help but its not good if I can’t sleep…..

Memoir of the sleeping bipolar that lives inside my mind… 

Life update

It has been such a long time since I have written an update. I am sorry, my advocacy on social media takes up so much of my energy. I have connected with hundreds of people in so many positive ways, I am amazed actually.  I have been doing Facebook lives and I created a mental health group on there and it is flourishing. I am now flooded with messages and comments and it so difficult to keep up and I just haven’t had time to blog but very good things are happening.

I wrote earlier about trying to get a substitution for the required math class which was the only class I had left. I fought the school and pushed for them to either waive the class or give me a substation, I wasn’t optimistic I’d get either. I have a learning disability in math and I failed the course three times even with accommodations, I was hopeless and thought I’d never get my degree. But low and behold, after several meetings, I got a notice that they were going to substitute my math class with Astronomy, no equations or multiplication, heck yeah.  It was a miracle and a prayer answered. And not only did they substitute my class, but I also have the scholarship to help me finish school, my books and tuition are paid for, by the grace of God.

 

So today was my first class and I was anxious because I have had such difficulties the last few semesters, but I went and got through it. The teacher seemed really nice and the classroom is small plus I was able to get the accommodations I need from disability services. I just know I am going to have to really focus and study this semester, this is it, the last hurray and I really want this degree, I don’t want to piss it away, so I have to be determined and I’m going to study my ass off, that’s what I’ll do.  I am just so proud that I have come this far, I never thought in a million years that I’d be this close to a college degree but here I am, a goal realized.

Like I stated earlier, my advocacy has really grown by leaps and bounds, I am reaching more people than I could have ever imagined. I am connected with therapists. Authors, therapists, advocates, entrepreneurs and through networking, my mental health advocacy is growing every day and I feel I am making a huge difference. I have hundreds of people tell me how my words have resonated with them and I am so humbled.  I even am going to be on a mental health podcast and possibly volunteer for a mental health radio show including being a guest, I mean it’s crazy, this wasn’t even possible 4 or 5 months and here I am., I couldn’t be more optimistic.

My volunteer work has also been going well but I won’t be able to help as much because I have school on those days but I will see them at church and will visit when I can, I am so incredibly grateful for all the wonderful things happening in my life at the moment, I pray it continues. And I am going to make more of an effort to update my blog. Thank you as always for listening.

 

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God loves you

When I feel I depressed and anxious, I feel like throwing in the towel, I then realize that God’s working in my life and I think of all the blessings he’s given to me, I get gratitude and I always feel better. I think of the times in my life where I felt so low and God spoke to me, either through the people I knew or something as simple as a song on the radio, he was reaching out to me and sometimes I’d ignore it and other times I recognized it right away, looking up at the sky and saying thank you because I knew it was him. So while life won’t ever be easy, I can take comfort in knowing is always God taking care of me and I’ll be alright in the end. I’m feeling blessed at the moment and hope you are as well. Have a beautiful day, friends. God loves you. 🙏 

Alienation

I live in this culture but I don’t feel a part of it, I feel totally disconnected, disjointed, on the outside looking in, Alienated, discarded like yesterdays trash. I speak but my words get twisted and spit out into fits of indifference. my screams go unheard by the masses, sipping on their brews on monotony, droning on with their useless character assassinations of one another, while the waiter looks on with disgust.

And I watch from a safe distance, alone, wanting to be a part of but at the same time silently judging them for they know not what they do, they hate and they hurt and they lie and it’s become second nature, like breathing or placing the fingers furiously on the keyboard, churning out the inner ramblings of a mad man who neither fits nor is joined in this circus we call a society.

I will continue to float alone but content in being my own man,at least for time being.

 

 

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Lies my anxiety tells me

My anxiety is constantly lying to me and it is amazing that it took me thing long to realize that. But in trying to combat my anxiety I wanted to write down some of the things my anxiety lies to me

 

  1. Everyone hates me and I’ll never be able to make friends
  2. I’m stupid and that’s what everyone else thinks too
  3. I’m ugly/unattractive. I’ll never have a girlfriend or marry
  4. I am my anxiety, it defines me
  5. I’ll never be able to independent/ I’ll never find a job that will pay enough to live on
  6. Avoiding situations that make me anxious will decrease my anxiety
  7. I have no skills, I’m competent and can’t get anything right
  8. No one else is as anxious as I am, my case is the worst, I am alone in this
  9. I will always have bad anxiety is there is nothing I can do to make it better

 

 

I want to take the time to address each point because I have realized that all of these are blatant lies and I can counter all these statements

 

  1. I have met many people throughout my life that really care about me, people who I didn’t think liked me and it turned out they thought about me throughout the years, I had an impact on them, they just never told me. I have heard a lot of people say how kind I am and honest, that makes me feel good. And even recently I thought a whole group of people didn’t like me until I took the time to get to know them and realize they were my friends, and even though we don’t know each other well, they still like me. My anxiety makes me think everyone in the room doesn’t like me, when they don’t even know me. I think the worst in people like everyone is against me and that kills my confidence and of course, no one approaches me because my self-esteem is so low. I feel when I simply just walk up to people and talk to them, they are usually friendly and I realize how wrong I’ve been. That gives me comfort and it combats that anxiety.

 

  1. I think that while I struggle with learning disabilities in some areas, in other areas, I excel. I think I have a gift of expressing myself through writing, I taught myself a lot of the Spanish I know because I was determined. I never thought I would make it through college but I am a class away from a degree and was on the dean’s list, so I am far from stupid but anxiety makes me focus on what I’m not good at.

 

3        To be honest, I’ve never had a relationship with a woman and that hurts. I look at myself and I don’t like how I look but the truth is that I know there have been plenty of women I’ve come across that liked me and it was my emotional difficulties that keep the relationship from starting, not my looks.  I knew they were attracted to me at some point because they approached me but I could never get over my anxiety.

I actually remember going out about a year ago to a bar and I each time I went, I managed to have a conversation with at least 1 woman there and I went out about 4 times.  And all of these women were really attractive and each time they approached me; I was really amazed. I was so proud I was able to hold a conversation with all of these women. So clearly, my looks are less of a factor than my anxiety and that would make me think and if I worked on myself and reduced the anxiety and gained higher self-esteem, I might find someone.

 

  • I am not my anxiety, it doesn’t define me. I am so much more than that. I am a kind, loving person with a big heart.

 

  1. I think if I find the right job that suites me and the right environment, I could thrive. My gifts are helping people and I am praying and hoping I can get into the disability field, it is a passion of mine and I know that I could be good at it, find a career and manage to live on my own.

 

  1. The more I avoid certain situations and people, the worse it becomes because I never learn how to deal with it, I may be comfortable leaving but I haven’t faced my fears, it doesn’t help me gain my confidence. In order to combat my anxiety, I have allowed myself to be uncomfortable and try to find ways to reduce my anxiety in social situations, like praying or taking a quiet moment and coming back, running away isn’t the solution

 

  1. I think it goes back to the stupidity lie, I do have skills, I have gifts ( we all do!) and there are so many things I am good at and I focus on that as opposed to the things I am not so great at.

 

  1. It is amazing that once I started writing about anxiety that so many people came up to and told me they suffered from it too, so many people are affected by it and don’t even talk it. And by talking about my anxiety, it helps others have to courage to be open about their struggles, that has helped me so much and reduced my anxiety. Lately, I have met several people in person who I thought didn’t have any kind of issues, tell me they also have mental health struggles, they seemed so confident and I felt alone and yet there were people around me who are just as anxious. And although we are not totally open about, just know there are other people who have anxiety, makes me feel a whole lot better. We are never alone.

 

  1. My anxiety will improve when I start to counter the lies when I face my fears when I talk about my struggles openly and most importantly write about them and continues to be in a community of those trying to recover from mental health struggles.