Anyone who knows me realizes that I have been through trauma; events that most people couldn’t possibly imagine unless they have been through it themselves. It has given more a completely different viewpoint than all of those around me. Material things means much less because I realize that while you can replace a smartphone; you can’t replace your brother. I have a cynical anger that I carry with me and a burning question; why did I have to suffer so much and others didn’t? A part of me wishes they could go through the same tragedies and traumas; so they can finally get it. So they finally be forced to be sensitive; empathetic aware human beings when they realize how precious life is. It’s a terrible thing to wish suffering on others but it just seems unfair that some of us go through a lifetime of suffering while other’s skip along; carefree; bitching about not being able to take a vacation or yoga class being canceled; give me a break, man. I sound like a terrible human being; angry about other’s happiness. Maybe I’m jealous; maybe I’m tired of hurting all the time. But maybe; just maybe; suffering can be a source of strength; I have become a stronger person as a result of what I’ve been through. I may grit my teeth and force a fake smile but I have empathy for others; because I know what it’s like to be mocked. I listen attentively to people because I know what it’s like to be ignored. I put myself in someone else’s shoes because even if I haven’t gone through the same pain; I wish I had so I can fully understand what they are going through. If I had had a carefree life; I may not think that way. I may not give a shit about anyone but myself and I don’t want to be that kind of person. I care not because I might get something out of it; I care because it’s feel good to care. Before I turned to God; I asked that question: Why does God allow good people to suffer?” I don’t think anyone has an answer to that question but I do believe that God doesn’t thrust suffering on us; that is the way of the world. The world is a sick dark place and I believe God gave us free will. I do think that when we are hurting; God is there for us; comforting and he brings others in our lives who care about us and who can alleviate some of that suffering. So while I have suffered in this life; my faith has not waned. I will continue to turn to God for answers; knowing full well he has a plan for me and he loves me. With that I end it here.