Life update

It has been such a long time since I have written an update. I am sorry, my advocacy on social media takes up so much of my energy. I have connected with hundreds of people in so many positive ways, I am amazed actually.  I have been doing Facebook lives and I created a mental health group on there and it is flourishing. I am now flooded with messages and comments and it so difficult to keep up and I just haven’t had time to blog but very good things are happening.

I wrote earlier about trying to get a substitution for the required math class which was the only class I had left. I fought the school and pushed for them to either waive the class or give me a substation, I wasn’t optimistic I’d get either. I have a learning disability in math and I failed the course three times even with accommodations, I was hopeless and thought I’d never get my degree. But low and behold, after several meetings, I got a notice that they were going to substitute my math class with Astronomy, no equations or multiplication, heck yeah.  It was a miracle and a prayer answered. And not only did they substitute my class, but I also have the scholarship to help me finish school, my books and tuition are paid for, by the grace of God.

 

So today was my first class and I was anxious because I have had such difficulties the last few semesters, but I went and got through it. The teacher seemed really nice and the classroom is small plus I was able to get the accommodations I need from disability services. I just know I am going to have to really focus and study this semester, this is it, the last hurray and I really want this degree, I don’t want to piss it away, so I have to be determined and I’m going to study my ass off, that’s what I’ll do.  I am just so proud that I have come this far, I never thought in a million years that I’d be this close to a college degree but here I am, a goal realized.

Like I stated earlier, my advocacy has really grown by leaps and bounds, I am reaching more people than I could have ever imagined. I am connected with therapists. Authors, therapists, advocates, entrepreneurs and through networking, my mental health advocacy is growing every day and I feel I am making a huge difference. I have hundreds of people tell me how my words have resonated with them and I am so humbled.  I even am going to be on a mental health podcast and possibly volunteer for a mental health radio show including being a guest, I mean it’s crazy, this wasn’t even possible 4 or 5 months and here I am., I couldn’t be more optimistic.

My volunteer work has also been going well but I won’t be able to help as much because I have school on those days but I will see them at church and will visit when I can, I am so incredibly grateful for all the wonderful things happening in my life at the moment, I pray it continues. And I am going to make more of an effort to update my blog. Thank you as always for listening.

 

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Musical memories

My friends called me up and said do you want go down to this farm for a few days, I hear they’ll be playing music. I said “Far out, I can dig it” So we got our gear and packed up our Bug and drove through the NY through-way to see what the fuss was all about, the roads were jam packed, my friend stated that the roads were closed “Isn’t that far out?” he quipped.

 

But we were determined so we sat in traffic for hours until we were close to the farm, we could hear the music from miles away, helicopters in the sky, bringing our rock and roll heroes, as we walked toward the festival, the rains fell from the sky furiously but we trudged on, getting rained was worth to be it to be with all these beautiful people with flowers in their hair and a dazed looked in their eyes, the days of innocence and revolution.

 

We passed by a Volkswagen bus with the words ” Even God loves America” plastered on the side. A nun smiled at me and gave me the peace sign, I returned the favor, I was with my people.

 

The farm was a sea of people, laying on the ground, totally gone, full of mud and listening to music in a daze. A black man with a red bandana was on the stage making his guitar scream, his eyes closed; lost in a world of guitar notes, I recognized it and said to my buddy ” That’s the star-spangled banner” And all he could reply with was “yeah!” as he closed in eyes and soaked in the music

 

As the man churned out another guitar solo, people slowly left the festival, a shame since we just got there. I looked around all I saw was garbage, used tents, beer cans, abandoned cars, food everywhere but in that mess was beauty, a beauty I can imagine if I just close my eyes.

 

But sadly, I wasn’t there, I couldn’t of been, I was 13 years too late but that was me in a past life, easy rider living, hitching a ride to anywhere to but here, living with the flower children and being free to be me completely.

God loves you

When I feel I depressed and anxious, I feel like throwing in the towel, I then realize that God’s working in my life and I think of all the blessings he’s given to me, I get gratitude and I always feel better. I think of the times in my life where I felt so low and God spoke to me, either through the people I knew or something as simple as a song on the radio, he was reaching out to me and sometimes I’d ignore it and other times I recognized it right away, looking up at the sky and saying thank you because I knew it was him. So while life won’t ever be easy, I can take comfort in knowing is always God taking care of me and I’ll be alright in the end. I’m feeling blessed at the moment and hope you are as well. Have a beautiful day, friends. God loves you. 🙏 

I miss my friend

I miss my friend John. We never actually met but I feel like I knew him, he seemed like a smart man, witty; full of sarcasm wit; with his snide remarks and those not smart enough to understand sarcasm.

 

I appreciate his beautiful creativity and how he always pushed the boundaries of art unapologetically He was outspoken, a little broken but aren’t we all. I understand his anger, anger at a system that touts conformity and punishes anyone who is different the rebellious who stand out, someone who was tired of pigheaded politicians and just wanted some truth, just like I do, someone who thought peace and love wasn’t a novel concept and that war was never the answer, war is over if you want it.

 

The irony is that such a man who was about love and peace died from gun wounds created by a violent culture in a violent city from a sick deranged man who America raised, it makes me sad.

 

But what I most miss is John’s music and am angry that was taken away from all us by gun violence. All I know is that I miss my friend John.

Alienation

I live in this culture but I don’t feel a part of it, I feel totally disconnected, disjointed, on the outside looking in, Alienated, discarded like yesterdays trash. I speak but my words get twisted and spit out into fits of indifference. my screams go unheard by the masses, sipping on their brews on monotony, droning on with their useless character assassinations of one another, while the waiter looks on with disgust.

And I watch from a safe distance, alone, wanting to be a part of but at the same time silently judging them for they know not what they do, they hate and they hurt and they lie and it’s become second nature, like breathing or placing the fingers furiously on the keyboard, churning out the inner ramblings of a mad man who neither fits nor is joined in this circus we call a society.

I will continue to float alone but content in being my own man,at least for time being.

 

 

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When Jim met Susan

A story written in non-sequesters

 

No I’ll have my steak medium rare.

Does he know the truth. Have you told him?

I walked in 20 minutes late but no one seemed to notice.

I only turned my eyes for a second and the next thing I knew I was an ambulance.

Check please!

It’s not that funny?

What if they find out?

How far did you say this place was?

He knew what he was doing.

She hung up the phone unsure of the conversation that took place.

Just ask her. What do you have to lose?

The meeting is at 9 am sharp, tomorrow.

Honey, where are my keys?

I can’t believe he’s gone.

No Jim, I’m going to be busy Friday. Can we do a raincheck?

Any other questions?

You don’t believe who I saw Susan with last night.

Are you sure you don’t need a taxi?

How could you do this to me, to us? You son of a bitch?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Is this coffee fresh?

Your daughter was caught skipping school 3 days in a row, we are going to have to suspend her.

You are not going out with that boy, we’ve told you.

Jim was a good man.

And how many dependents do you have m’am?

Would like to come in for a cup of coffee?

This is your new secretary: Susan.

She’ll have the salad.

It’s a baby boy.

She has no idea, does she?

When’s daddy coming home?

Don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink?

Jim, I’m not sure about this.

Let’s skip algebra.

How am I going to explain this to my parents?

Here’s $300 dollars, it’s all I have.

They always sneak out during their lunch break.

It’s on orange ave.

How long did you think you could keep this a secret?

I got the job!

I know but at least he pays my rent.

So how honey how are things?

You are going to have to move out, Jim.

Mrs Henderson, this the Clark Count Sheriffs department.

Are you going to call this?

Are you going to meet us for happy hour tonight?

No, I can’t do it. I can’t go through with it.

Take the money.

Where is that waiter with my water.

Jim, have you payed the cable bill this month?

I won’t take your money.

Do you want to talk about it/

I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?

If don’t tell him, I will.

I’m sorry, we did everything we could.

I can’t eat all this food by myself.

They should have fixed these traffic lights years ago.

Sue, just talk to her, it’s been so long, she’ll forgive you.

I know I’ll be alone forever.

You’re hired, welcome aboard son.

I can’t even afford to feed my kids.

I know, I forgave you years ago, it’s ok.

Honey, I’m going out wit he guys tonight. I’ll be back around 10. I promise.

I hate my job but I can’t quit.

All I ever wanted was a family.

Where is he? Why hasn’t he called?

Sir, this is the paramedics, we’re taking you to the hospital.

Damn, she’s hot.

I can’t leave him, we’re catholic.

She’s your daughter, can’t you control her?

Are you ok to drive?

You think he’ll like this skirt.

Forgive me father for I have sinned. It’s been 8 years since my last confession.

He’s cute, he’d never talk to me, besides he’s married.

I haven’t worked since I left college.

We could go to new french restaurant, I hear it’s really good.

My dad is always in my business.

Timmy, is your father showing up for career day?

I’m sure of it.  I’m late. I just know, it. This the last thing I need.

Mark, can I borrow some money?

Divorce? Out of the question.

I’ll make the funeral arrangements.

Are you keeping it?

Mom, who’s my real father?

 

Pronounced dead at 3:26 am. Mercy Hospital.

Jim have you met Susan?

A kind face/ Sand

Thoughts swirl around my mind, I find my thinking racing at rapid speed, I need to meet a kind face in this place.

 

I scan the room and boom, I see someone, they turn and give me a smile, it takes a while for me to think of something to say, I know they don’t have all day and I’d be crushed if they walked away.

 

I open my mouth to speak, I’m trying to say the right words, a part of me wants to bolt for the door, if this keeps up, I’ll surely fall to the floor.

 

I try to talk but the words I can’t express, silence, clear is my distress.

 

What’s it all about? My inner voice begins to shout, this didn’t go as planned, I shrink to the ground, turning into sand, falling on the land.

 

And that was the end of me and the final chapter in my story, all that there was, with no glory.