Why did I have to suffer?

Anyone who knows me realizes that I have been through trauma; events that most people couldn’t possibly imagine unless they have been through it themselves. It has given more a completely different viewpoint than all of those around me.  Material things means much less because I realize that while you can replace a smartphone; you can’t replace your brother. I have a cynical anger that I carry with me and a burning question; why did I have to suffer so much and others didn’t?  A part of me wishes they could go through the same tragedies and traumas; so they can finally get it. So they finally be forced to be sensitive; empathetic aware human beings when they realize how precious life is. It’s a terrible thing to wish suffering on others but it just seems unfair that some of us go through a lifetime of suffering while other’s skip along; carefree; bitching about not being able to take a vacation or yoga class being canceled; give me a break, man.  I sound like a terrible human being; angry about other’s happiness. Maybe I’m jealous; maybe I’m tired of hurting all the time.  But maybe; just maybe; suffering can be a source of strength; I have become a stronger person as a result of what I’ve been through.  I may grit my teeth and force a fake smile but I have empathy for others; because I know what it’s like to be mocked.  I listen attentively to people because I know what it’s like to be ignored.  I put myself in someone else’s shoes because even if I haven’t gone through the same pain; I wish I had so I can fully understand what they are going through. If I had had a carefree life; I may not think that way. I may not give a shit about anyone but myself and I don’t want to be that kind of person. I care not because I might get something out of it; I care because it’s feel good to care. Before I turned to God; I asked that question: Why does God allow good people to suffer?”  I don’t think anyone has an answer to that question but I do believe that God doesn’t thrust suffering on us; that is the way of the world. The world is a sick dark place and I believe God gave us free will.  I do think that when we are hurting; God is there for us; comforting and he brings others in our lives who care about us and who can alleviate some of that suffering.  So while I have suffered in this life; my faith has not waned.  I will continue to turn to God for answers; knowing full well he has a plan for me and he loves me. With that I end it here.




God’s door is always open


So today was the anniversary of my Brother’s death so I found myself in a somber mood. I was in class with my internship in a church that was down the road. After class I decided to find a little sanctuary to pray; I asked the woman at the information desk and she pointed me in the direction of the next building. I tried to open the door and it was locked shut and so was the next door and the one after that. I decided that the bench was a good enough place to pray; asking god for strength. After I got done praying; a thought came to me about locked doors. I then realized that God always has his door unlocked; open to the public; day or night. You can be in the car, at the beach, in a dark alley, on a mountain, in a church wherever and you can pray; God is with you. People lock their doors; keeping you out; leaving you feeling lonely but God loves you and you are always welcome. Church can be a wonderful community but you don’t need to go to church to be with God or even be a christian. Because when that church slams the door in your face; or when in your darkest moments no one comes to your aid; God still loves you and is looking out for you. I guess what I am saying is that happiness comes from when we rely more on God than on people. Humans are fallable; people can push you aside at a drop of a hat; leaving you stranded even when you beg for help. I’m not saying all people are like that but people have a natural inclination to ignore those they don’t understand and hurt others ( sometimes uknowingly) even those within the church community. But Jesus is perfect and you dont have look or speak or think a certain way to earn his love. Jesus’s love is a given whether you have a relationship with him or not and that’s why i turned my life to God. In a world full of cruelty and mean spirited people all around; it helps to know that God accepts me, loves me. Well, because i”m made in own image, he kinda has to lol. God doesn’t makes mistakes and we are loved in his eyes. So while the church door may have been closed; my eyes were wide open and through God’s grace I was able to write this and praise him on a day that has been so painful for me; I feel blessed 


Edit- I finally found a chapel to pray in and it was at the church that I have attended in the past. The difference between the two churches is that one is welcoming; with it’s door open so people can be with God and the other chose to keep people out; feeling unwelcome and lonely; big difference between the two churches.




Since our childhood, we are taught to see…

See, that we respect our teachers, no matter how he be.

But let me put a doubt, a doubt however rude may it seem.

For no one is left as Dronacharya, now all falls under a single scheme.

A scheme clearly named ‘Education’, where making money is the sole fashion.

For those who don’t understand, welcome always are the tuitions.

‘Who are teachers? ‘Who will say ?

Dare be honest enough, whoever has a say.

For the brighter grows more brighter and ignore, if the poor stay.

I’d voice for a one, who makes me learn that ‘learning’ is a never ending song.

See my flaws, see my glows, through a journey be however long,,

When I fall, lift me right and give me strength to stand strong.

Make me learn, hold me tight, in times when cloud may seem to blind…

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Serenity Poem

As I age; I’m learning to accept the things I cannot change; I used to handle problems with rage but now I sit calm and at peace; to be able to handle life’s difficulties with ease; when I get desperate; I get down on my knees and pray and ask for help throughout the day; to find a way to control how I react; what I say; are my words nice or kind? I could say something hurtful but I change my mind and choose to do good; live life like I should. I don’t know what the future holds but I’m too old to be losing my cool; acting a fool; I have one rule; no matter what happens ; I’m determined as hell and I can tell you; I will never give up; I will continue all my might; never giving up the fight until success is in sight; then and only then will I be alright.

Have a good night,



What is an anxiety attack like?

I may look okay but I’m an anxious wreck today and it’s best if you’d just stay away. I feel like im about to pass out; I feel shakey and off balance, keeping myself composed takes real talent. My heart feels like it is going to beat of my chest and I wonder how I’ll make it through the rest of the day; I will try my best to find a way to calm down but its hard. My stomach is in knots and I can’t control my thoughts and I’m trying to focus on my breathing while seeming like I have it together, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry ( something i can’t do) and I cant tell a lie and say I’m ok. I can only tell you the truth and say this is another anxious day.

Thanks for listening,

Failing doesn’t mean you’re a failure

I have always had the fear of failing at everything; sometimes it feels like no matter how hard I try; I’m bound to fail.  My outlook is has been skewed towards the negative and maybe that contributes some of my failures in life.  Today I realized that I needed more hours for my internship than I realized and my first thought was oh my god; I am going to fail this semester; I can’t do anything right; I AM A FAILURE.  I think my anxiety got the better of me; that catastrophic thinking.  I started thinking about it was unfair that I worked almost full time and struggled to get enough time off to show up at my internship.  I complained about the little 20 year old kids in my class that didn’t have to work like I did; I was just in an anxious state.  I stopped to get lunch somewhere because I hadn’t eaten all day and suddenly a thought came to me in my head. I just thought ” You are going to be ok; God is taking care of you”  I said to myself that I will what I can to make this happen but if it’s doesn’t work out; I did the best I could under the circumstances; I put an 110% effort with a supervisor at the agency who was less than willing to work with me; I had a job that didn’t give me the days off I needed, I was sick and missed some time; so saying it has been difficult has been an understatement.  But having faith in God has calmed me and I have faith things are going to work out the way they are supposed to if I do the footwork.  I went home; calculated my hours and figured I could make it; I just have really put in the hours and with a lot of hard work; I will make it; I am determined.  But I am trying learn that everyone has failed at something in their lives; whether it be a class or a marriage or a career; we have all been through that.  And failure doesn’t mean you yourself are a failure; no human being is a failure.  Failing is a part of life and we all go through it.  And there have been times where I lost a job and felt like my whole world had fallen apart.  Little did I know it would lead me back to school with dreams of a career helping the disabled.  I am hoping that I can succeed and trying to have a successful attitude; but I also prepared for this not to work out in my favor. Either will I’ll get back up; dust myself off and keep on keepin on.

Thanks for listening,