The girl in the mugshot

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I met her for the first time in my communications class; interestingly enough.  I thought she was pretty cute but was too nervous to talk to her.  In this post I’ll call her Natalie       ( not her real name of course)   There was another girl named Jenny ( not her real name) I liked her more but looking back she seemed kind of boring and a snob; I only liked her because she was  attractive.  She seemed really smart; kind of a book worm; wore glasses.  I have a thing for intelligent women and I am not threatened by it as opposed to some men.

During the class we were assigned to do some report about a movie of our choice and we had write about the communication in the movie.  Both girls I liked were in my group and the only I really liked was Jenny. You know that point when she walks in the room and doesn’t even look at you and sits as far away from you as possible? Yeah; that was happening big time.  But with Natalie; we cracked jokes and get along and I was thinking this is great but I’m still focused on trying to get the attention of Jenny.

A week or so later Jenny made a flirty remark right before we were to go on to spring break and I assumed she really was interested. I thought about it non-stop for a week; planning to ask her out because I had no sense at the time. When we got back I saw her walk in and very nervously asked for her phone number; I didn’t even really asked her out. I’m sure she assumed it was because we were in the same group and that made perfect sense. I called her a few days later and basically asked her out; she rejected me; saying that we should focus more on passing this class ( which was sound advice) and after that I got more anxious and she got more annoyed at me.

Around this time I began talking to Natalie more.  I sort of bad mouthed Jenny to her; she agreed and thought it was funny. ( looking back never a good idea to bad mouth another girl to a girl you like).  We started chatting online and we really got along. One night we had a really long chat conversation and it was personal and not about school. We talked about partying and how her current boyfriend was abusive; he had thrown her phone across the room or something; this made me nervous; talking a girl who had an abusive boyfriend who might be trying to kick my ass if he knew I was talking to his girlfriend but I ignored all of that because hey it wasn’t everyday a pretty girl wants to talk to me. The next day something unexpected happened; in class Natalie sat right next to me.  You know they have those two desks together in row and every other seat was open; so it was strange. I sound like a little kid here but it was exciting because most of the time girls I liked avoided me like the plague ( which hurt by the way) but she wanted to get closer.  At some point she grabbed my hand and we walked  arm to arm around to the school book store; like we were going out or something. I was confused at this sudden change of behavior and thought maybe my luck had changed. I never had any luck with women.  The class eventually ended and we talked online from time to time but suddenly she unfriended me from Facebook and I figured I must have said something and was hurt.  A year or so later I was still in school and I saw her in the hall; she ran up to me to give me a big hug and was very friendly and I thought hmmm maybe I was wrong.  After that I didn’t see her for many years.

I was studying human services for disabilities at another campus about 5 years later; I was a in counseling class. It was one of the hardest classes I ever had to take; the teacher was really strict and some other girl gave me her notes just so I could pass.  So I was nervous; like everyone else.  All of a sudden this really cute girl walks in; which is a rarity in those classes.  And she looks like Natalie but I thought no way; that can’t be her but she kept looking back at me and not in a bad way. You know when someone is looking at you because you disgust them ( come on, we all have been there) but this wasn’t the case. At the end of class she came up to me excited and said “David?. it’s me Natalie!!”  She told me how good it was to see me.  She gave me this big hug and her phone number and said to call her to help with class; I was more than happy to oblige.

I have a past history of being too anxious and driving women away and I didn’t want to do this with her; I saw this as a second chance; so I waited. I didn’t call her but one day I get this call and she’s crying.  I couldn’t make out what she was saying but she was upset about class and being overwhelmed; I did the best I could but couldn’t really help her. Even after that I still liked her and I was curious to see if she was seeing anyone so I googled her name to see if she has a Facebook and a boyfriend and to my shock I found like 5 or 6 mugshots of her; drug arrests and dui’s; that explained the odd phone call and her overly friendly behavior.  I am not sure why but it made me angry; like I was judging her and thinking that she was a horrible person. After that I gave her the cold shoulder and when she asked me for help about something; I told her to go find someone else. I was really hurtful and I regret that because what she did had nothing to do with me.  Soon after that she dropped out of the class and I figured that would be the last I would ever see or hear about her. But of course the saga continues.

Last year I decided to get back on Facebook. I had this stupid notion that if I met a beautiful women I would have a social media account; that would make it easier for me to talk to her; stupid I know.  I had been to the bar once night and been rejected by every woman I approached; I went home feeling bad about myself.  I looked at Natalie’s Facebook ( I still thought about her from time to time) to see if she had been arrested again so I could revel in her misery ( I was different than I was now).  Low and behold she had a post about turning her life to Jesus; she had gone to a rehabilitation facility; found god and was turning her life around; I was floored.  It struck me like a thunder bolt; I wasn’t expecting it. Maybe she had gotten a new boyfriend or was dealing drugs     ( something crazy) but no, she was talking about God.  I saw it as a direct sign from God that I had meet this girl for a reason. I got on my knees and prayed and gave my life to God at that moment; started reconnecting from old friends from church and my life improved greatly. I messaged her a few times but she didn’t seem terribly interested in talking to me; I don’t blame her I wasn’t very nice.  After deleting some friends who I didn’t talk to on Facebook; I unfriended her as well; not out of anger but because I no longer needed to talk to her.

I realized God placed her in my life as a bridge to him; it sounds crazy; I know.  I am blessed to have met her and it took me awhile to understand the real reason we met; if I hadn’t of I wouldn’t  be where I am today.  She has no idea the impact she has had on me and I am forever grateful.  And to think if we had gone out and started a relationship; I would have lost my focus and never turned my life to God.   This is one those God things where I can’t deny he works in mysterious ways.

Have a blessed day

Dave

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When you feel no one likes you

Loneliness has followed me my whole life, everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There’s no escape. I’m God’s lonely man- Travis Bickle

 

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Every since that random person messaged me about bullying me in school; I have been anxious. Well I have had a lot of anxiety lately but for some reason that message made it worse. I tend to get overly emotional; especially about the past.  I find dealing with the past to be a double edge sword; both healing and anxiety ridden at the same time. As I said in earlier blog posts I talked about messaging friends about the situation and I really am bad at online conversation; it never runs smoothly and people take too long to reply; I never have the patience.  I see that little “seen” icon and I feel so much dread; knowing someone read and chose not to reply; even I don’t reply to every message because I don’t have the energy or time to continue; I assume that is the case with most people. But I have obsessional thinking; I have all these thoughts that I have somehow annoyed them or offended then and now they don’t want to talk to me me.  It creates a lot of confusion because you have no idea what is going on behind the other screen; they could be on a plane somewhere going to vacation or the middle of the work day or at the gym; who knows but we always take it personal when we don’t get a prompt response.   We start creating scenarios in our heads; like no one wants to talk to you or be your friend. Somehow you ruined their day by daring to message them as they throw their phone down in anger. Maybe that’s an exaggeration but I think a lot of us face that anxiety in one form or another.  Of course it is rarely about us but we are self centered and think the whole world revolves around us; as if people are staring at the phone just waiting for us to message them.

I know anxiety is one of the main reasons why I have such difficulties in relationships; I either am to afraid to contact people and make plans or I become so needy and anxious that it drives them away; and I say this about all types of relationships; not just dating. So it leads to extreme loneliness where you constantly feel rejected.   And I think when you have been rejected all of your life; it’s hard to understand or accept that people actually do care about you.  I have said it before but there is no one  who treats me worse than myself; I am always beating myself up; putting myself down; I’m never good enough; no one likes me; everything I say is stupid and annoying; this constant barrage of negativity coming from my own mind. I’m actually tired of it; it’s ugly and hateful and I wish it would go away. I really don’t have an answer except to write about it or talk to a therapist ( which i do).  I no longer seek support from social media or my old friends because it doesn’t seem to make me feel any better; it only serves to make me feel more anxious.  It’s a hard truth but it is what it is.

But I was thinking about it and I thought about how I really can’t profess to know how other think or feel about me: I am not in their head but I do know I don’t like myself.  And all of a sudden a light bulb went off in my head and I realized that maybe every time I told myself that someone didn’t like me or I blamed myself for saying something stupid;  I was projecting my negative feelings about myself onto them.   They do like me; it’s my own voice telling me I’m worthless; not them.  I often hear people say that you can’t love others until you love yourself and even I have said it; half believing but it’s true. If you don’t love yourself than you project negativity and no one wants to be around that. But if you wake up everyday and say “hey wait a minute I am worth it and why wouldn’t they like me?” then you’ve come a long way.   I just keep telling myself that anxiety is never based in reality; it’s all based on our own warped perceptions. So as of now the best advice about ancient I have is what Joe Friday used to say “Just the facts, Just the facts” .

With that I bid you good night.

Dave

 

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Where Do Real People Go To Meet Real People?

Reblogged

Chimera-ish

I’ve been single for a long time, by choice, but recently I’ve grown tired of being alone. Living in a small town where most residents are over the age of 168, there’s not many options for a 42-year-old metalhead with a penchant for long hair and huge chests.

A recent experience reminded me that getting to know someone online is a poor substitute for real-world interaction and, often, the nicer someone appears to be online, the harder they tend to bite when they step outside of their online bubble.

And that left me wondering, where do real people go to meet real people?

The Dating Game

I hate dating. Online, offline, it’s pretty much the same – mind games, pretense, unwritten rules that I don’t get and my personal favourite: having to guess what the other person really means, when it’s usually the opposite of what they say.

Relevant details…

View original post 351 more words

How to serve God

Reblogged. Perfect post to read on a sunday where Florence is ravaging outside and church is closed

Perfect Love

I sat in heavy meditation today wondering if I was a Mary or a Martha. This is a question I’ve always asked myself since first hearing about them. First my middle name is Martha so I can’t help like feel as if I was destined to be a Martha. I know my relationship with God calls to be a Mary yet , that’s super hard for me at times. Martha is a servant but grows weary and irritable she allows the actions of others to upset her. While Mary simply sits in the Lords presence and builds a relationship with him. There’s something amazing to learn from Mary who sits in the Lords presence. Sometimes we need to be still to be reminded how God works in our lives. The stillness could be uncomfortable for the Martha’s of the world yet in order to be an effective Martha we need…

View original post 211 more words

Stuck in the 90’s

When people say 90’s they’re talking about boy bands or Britney Spears; or beanie babies or boy meets world; or Tommy Hilfiger shirts; the latter half doesn’t count to me cause it’s irrelevant.  My question is what created such a cultural shift from the early 90’s grunge apathetic culture to corporate music ( puff daddy anyone) and shows like Friends being one of the most popular shows on tv ( I never understood it’s popularity since I hated those kinds of people in real life. Why would I want to watch them on tv?)

I assume they are talking about their childhoods;  I spent mine in the mid 80’s to the early 90’s; too young for Nevermind but old enough to remember Kurt Cobain’s death.   By the time I hit high school; all the great bands were either broken up; it’s leaders dead or it faded into obscurity.  My brother and his friends had Nirvana; while I had Limp Biscuit and Korn; yeah that says it all.

If I had to describe the 90’s in a words it’d be; whatever.  No one cared about anything and it was better that way.  Not everyone was triggered every time and offended by every little thing.  Maybe the internet changed everything; I noticed everything went downhill after that; it’s hard to explain.  Like entertainment from the mid 90’s on just sucked; I can’t name a movie from that time period that could even compare to movies from the past; Hollywood garbage to me.

I remember back then that if you didn’t have MTV; you missed everything.  In my house we didn’t have it for 2 years ( from around 1995-1997).  We finally got cable again and it was bands that I had never heard of. Gone was Dr Dre and Snoop doggy dog ( he will always be snoop doggy dog to me) and was replaced by some fool named Puff Daddy who had music videos about being in space and car chases; that’s not hip hop. uh huh uh huh yeah every 30 seconds is not hip hop. What happened to smoking weed at barbecues and hot girls shaking their asses? And they kept talking about these 2 dead guys I had never heard of :Biggie and Tupac.  I felt like I had missed everything culturally.  I missed the grunge era and rock music; it seemed like rock just died suddenly and it’s never been revived.

I don’t know what generation I’m in; I’m stuck in the middle between Gen X and Millennial; I’m grumpy and apathetic and I love grunge and punk music of the 80’s and early 90’s  ( Am I Gen X enough?) but I also came of age when the internet came out.  All I know is that I’m tired of hearing about the 90’s by kids who were still wearing diapers at the time. Stop stealing the 90’s; that’s my generation, dude. Just accept you grew up in 2000’s; it sucks but eventually you have to accept it. Just like I accept I’m stuck in the  90’s.  Whatever dude.  I’m off to update my Gin Blossom Angelfire homepage while listening to the latest limp biscuit cd I bought from circuit city. Peace

Sincerely stuck in the 90’s

Dave

 

The past is gone/crying

As I sat in my bed thinking about the past and ruminating;  I started thinking about my anxiety and depression robs me of so much; it’s so hard to connect with others.  I thought about how alone I was here in Charlotte; I want to be back home; closer to home.  But I just thought how all the people I once knew no longer existed as I knew them; the past was gone and I can’t get it back. With all the pain and sorrow; there were good moments that I hold on to; times where I felt accepted. I thought about my version of the past is probably different from everyone else’s and maybe I didn’t mean as much to them.  It’s a thought I have often. So while all of these thoughts swirled around my head; I felt my eyes water; I’m not used to this crying thing.  And I said to myself out loud “I’ve been holding on to this for so long” I realized about how my friends now had kids and careers and how much time had passed by; those days passed by me and I have been carrying around this weight on my shoulder for just too long. I cried and cried into my pillow ( literally)    I guess crying can be a sign of healing. Before I started writing and communicating with my friends in the past; I physically could not cry. I tried; I felt the emotions but I just couldn’t cry. All of sudden I find myself being able to cry from time to time and I always feel better afterwards. I have no shame in crying; given what I went through; it’s amazing I didn’t sooner. A friend mentioned that I might be a good motivational speaker and I wonder if someday I can use my story to help others; who knows.  All I know is to let go of the past you have to talk about it; experience the emotions and cry when you can.

Thank for listening

 

Did I say too much?

As the wind starts picking up and I notice the trees swaying out my window and I still have power; I decided to write another post so here goes.

All my life I have had a tendency to be very open with my feelings and sometimes it gets me closer to people; it has helped build relationships with others and that’s such a wonderful thing. People have told me they appreciate me being honest about my life and it has helped them in ways that I wasn’t even aware of. Nothing makes me feel better than knowing that my story has helped someone in someway; that is a real gift to me. I am an expressive person and that’s who I am; I’ve always been that way whether I like it or not. I can’t help telling people how I feel and I guess that is something some people like. But there have been times when I have been too open with my feelings. When I was younger I tended to trust people too much; I thought if i told them something personal they would keep it to themselves and many times they didn’t.  I remember when I was a kid this other kid pretended to be my friend so he could get information about me. I told him about this surgery I had; that was very personal. The next  day the kids all found out about it and made fun of me; I was so hurt and felt betrayed and I was only 9 years. I was angry at myself for being so stupid and as things like that kept happening I stopped trusting people but I still from time to time continued to share personal things with others and got burned by it. I mean, I think a lot of it is related to implusivity; I didn’t have enough sense to realize some feelings were private and that you can’t trust everyone; that’s the price of being sensitive, I guess.  I can remember  I used to call this girl from school on the phone and mind you I couldn’t talk on the phone to save my life ( I still can’t)  Anyways I would call her up and talk about whatever was going on with me and I ask her about her life; trying to be helpful. I had no interest in her all; I just needed someone to talk to; I was really lonely.  Anyways I went to this alternative school and they sat me down and said I was really bothering her with the phone calls and to stop calling; I was really hurt and surprised. It’s not like we were best friends but it still was hurtful and embarrassing; like she literally had to have the school tell me not to contact her. I felt like such a pariah, you know.  That’s what I got for being too open with someone who may have mistaken my intentions; who knows. But that is a memory that I didn’t forget

As an adult I was in 12 steps and I remember I use to share things at meetings about my brother and depression all the time; which I don’t think AA is about but I felt it was since it was contributing to my feelings of wanting to use drugs. I think that it caused a lot of ridicule and people were annoyed. I remember this really cute girl came up to me afterwards and thanked me for sharing my story; it really “helped” her. I thought about it years later and I wonder if she gained gratitude in seeing how messed up I was and hearing about my depression life; that was glad it wasn’t her ( gratitude is a big thing in 12 steps).  I realized i again had been too open with my feelings and made myself vulnerable and I beat myself up over it for years ( I still do when i look back)  Why do I have to broadcast my feelings to whole world? Why can’t I just keep certain things to myself.?

I make this post because I wrote earlier about this guy who messaged me and said he bullied me. I found myself messaging some friends about the situation which spurred me to talk about the past with them.   They already know my story and know I am very sensitive and open with my feelings. And even though they are friends; I still get anxious when I share how I felt about them or maybe a memory or something.  They are kind and understanding and tell me they are there to listen but I always wondering if what I am saying is annoying them or is depressing.  Like what I am saying is bringing them down; so I immediately regretting sharing my feelings with them. People never truly tell how they feel because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.  So even though I trust the people I talk to; in some ways I don’t.  I am afraid I might say something to them and they will stop being my friend because I’ve been over-emotional or trudge up the past.  I try to remind myself that your friends accepted you in the past and know who you are; so why would they reject you now.  I just know in the past where I shared deeply personal things; it has been used against me.  When people have hurt you so much; how can you trust them?

Even this blog; I felt guilty writing posts about friends. My fear is they will see it somehow and be weirded out that I wrote about them and may even be angry.  Relationships for me are so difficult and its a work in progress.  But maybe that’s why are my friends; because I share my feelings; in touch my emotions and I try to listen them; I really care; i do. Sometimes I just feel too much and it can be overwhelming. I hope over time I can lose the fear over sharing my feelings with trusted friends and deep in my heart they accept for who I am ; even I can go on and on about my feelings and can be overly sentimental. With that I think I am finished.  I feel better getting this all out. Thank you.

Thanks for listening

Dave