Bipolar

Sometimes I do my best to manage my bipolar but circumstances beyond my control disrupt those managing patterns; sometimes I can’t sleep as much as I need and I know I’m in trouble, my brain gets fuzzy, my mind races, my eyes feel like they are on fire, I feel angry and depressed and anxious as hell ; just a passive-aggressive nightmare.

I am a live wire at this moment and I’m angry; not at anyone particular but angry that I have this fuckin disorder, that I can’t be like everyone else, that during my manic periods I act in ways, I regret, I say and do things that I don’t remember; well maybe I do somewhat but it’s hazy, its like being high or drunk, everything feels like a blank and the whole day is lost when I don’t sleep well; lost in the abyss of my own racing thoughts; a frantic freeway or words and theories and inner grumblings; paranoia, they all hate me; im no good; im defective, my brain doesn’t work like yours and that’s why everyone rejects me.

They hear the rapid speech and see the darting eyes and back away in fear; they know I’m not ok, and if I had just gotten some sleep, they wouldn’t have seen the bipolar monster before them. This isn’t me; it’s my Mr Hyde who spings out at the most inopportune times. The meds help but its not good if I can’t sleep…..

Memoir of the sleeping bipolar that lives inside my mind… 

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The day I started writing

I felt rejected, my feelings on display and I just felt empty and hopeless, so I sat on a bench and just writing my feelings about her and everything else that had been on my mind for the past 14 years, I just wrote so much, I was in a frenzy. I had never written to sort out my feelings and it was cathartic. I sat that shopping mall parking lot and wrote for hours all while listening to music and although those writings are long gone, I will never forget that moment where I truly started writing for the first time.

Disconnected

I think people are somewhat like a wifi connection. Sometimes there’s a connection and you’re satisfied and everything is running smoothly; other times there’s just no connection and no matter how hard you try and how much you’d wish for that connection to be there; it’s out of your hands. So all you can do is just accept for the moment that you can’t connect and hopefully, in time you’ll find other connections and be able to get your wifi back.

 

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Life update

It has been such a long time since I have written an update. I am sorry, my advocacy on social media takes up so much of my energy. I have connected with hundreds of people in so many positive ways, I am amazed actually.  I have been doing Facebook lives and I created a mental health group on there and it is flourishing. I am now flooded with messages and comments and it so difficult to keep up and I just haven’t had time to blog but very good things are happening.

I wrote earlier about trying to get a substitution for the required math class which was the only class I had left. I fought the school and pushed for them to either waive the class or give me a substation, I wasn’t optimistic I’d get either. I have a learning disability in math and I failed the course three times even with accommodations, I was hopeless and thought I’d never get my degree. But low and behold, after several meetings, I got a notice that they were going to substitute my math class with Astronomy, no equations or multiplication, heck yeah.  It was a miracle and a prayer answered. And not only did they substitute my class, but I also have the scholarship to help me finish school, my books and tuition are paid for, by the grace of God.

 

So today was my first class and I was anxious because I have had such difficulties the last few semesters, but I went and got through it. The teacher seemed really nice and the classroom is small plus I was able to get the accommodations I need from disability services. I just know I am going to have to really focus and study this semester, this is it, the last hurray and I really want this degree, I don’t want to piss it away, so I have to be determined and I’m going to study my ass off, that’s what I’ll do.  I am just so proud that I have come this far, I never thought in a million years that I’d be this close to a college degree but here I am, a goal realized.

Like I stated earlier, my advocacy has really grown by leaps and bounds, I am reaching more people than I could have ever imagined. I am connected with therapists. Authors, therapists, advocates, entrepreneurs and through networking, my mental health advocacy is growing every day and I feel I am making a huge difference. I have hundreds of people tell me how my words have resonated with them and I am so humbled.  I even am going to be on a mental health podcast and possibly volunteer for a mental health radio show including being a guest, I mean it’s crazy, this wasn’t even possible 4 or 5 months and here I am., I couldn’t be more optimistic.

My volunteer work has also been going well but I won’t be able to help as much because I have school on those days but I will see them at church and will visit when I can, I am so incredibly grateful for all the wonderful things happening in my life at the moment, I pray it continues. And I am going to make more of an effort to update my blog. Thank you as always for listening.

 

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Musical memories

My friends called me up and said do you want go down to this farm for a few days, I hear they’ll be playing music. I said “Far out, I can dig it” So we got our gear and packed up our Bug and drove through the NY through-way to see what the fuss was all about, the roads were jam packed, my friend stated that the roads were closed “Isn’t that far out?” he quipped.

 

But we were determined so we sat in traffic for hours until we were close to the farm, we could hear the music from miles away, helicopters in the sky, bringing our rock and roll heroes, as we walked toward the festival, the rains fell from the sky furiously but we trudged on, getting rained was worth to be it to be with all these beautiful people with flowers in their hair and a dazed looked in their eyes, the days of innocence and revolution.

 

We passed by a Volkswagen bus with the words ” Even God loves America” plastered on the side. A nun smiled at me and gave me the peace sign, I returned the favor, I was with my people.

 

The farm was a sea of people, laying on the ground, totally gone, full of mud and listening to music in a daze. A black man with a red bandana was on the stage making his guitar scream, his eyes closed; lost in a world of guitar notes, I recognized it and said to my buddy ” That’s the star-spangled banner” And all he could reply with was “yeah!” as he closed in eyes and soaked in the music

 

As the man churned out another guitar solo, people slowly left the festival, a shame since we just got there. I looked around all I saw was garbage, used tents, beer cans, abandoned cars, food everywhere but in that mess was beauty, a beauty I can imagine if I just close my eyes.

 

But sadly, I wasn’t there, I couldn’t of been, I was 13 years too late but that was me in a past life, easy rider living, hitching a ride to anywhere to but here, living with the flower children and being free to be me completely.

God loves you

When I feel I depressed and anxious, I feel like throwing in the towel, I then realize that God’s working in my life and I think of all the blessings he’s given to me, I get gratitude and I always feel better. I think of the times in my life where I felt so low and God spoke to me, either through the people I knew or something as simple as a song on the radio, he was reaching out to me and sometimes I’d ignore it and other times I recognized it right away, looking up at the sky and saying thank you because I knew it was him. So while life won’t ever be easy, I can take comfort in knowing is always God taking care of me and I’ll be alright in the end. I’m feeling blessed at the moment and hope you are as well. Have a beautiful day, friends. God loves you. 🙏 

I miss my friend

I miss my friend John. We never actually met but I feel like I knew him, he seemed like a smart man, witty; full of sarcasm wit; with his snide remarks and those not smart enough to understand sarcasm.

 

I appreciate his beautiful creativity and how he always pushed the boundaries of art unapologetically He was outspoken, a little broken but aren’t we all. I understand his anger, anger at a system that touts conformity and punishes anyone who is different the rebellious who stand out, someone who was tired of pigheaded politicians and just wanted some truth, just like I do, someone who thought peace and love wasn’t a novel concept and that war was never the answer, war is over if you want it.

 

The irony is that such a man who was about love and peace died from gun wounds created by a violent culture in a violent city from a sick deranged man who America raised, it makes me sad.

 

But what I most miss is John’s music and am angry that was taken away from all us by gun violence. All I know is that I miss my friend John.