A world that gone mad

Heartbroken, disillusioned, brutality with impunity.

A grieving nation, decades of abuse at the hands of glaring repression.

Some are wide awake and others are choosing to stay under the covers while those at the top remain silent, their own brand Miranda rights, one designed to fit their narrative.

Talking heads from the Television, fanning the flames of division and hatred, I choose not to pay attention to them, I see the images and I can draw my own conclusions, I’m disheartened.

I feel angry, everyone’s feeling it, it’s been at a boil for decades, the great society is falling apart at the seams. The honeymoon between lady liberty and I have long past ( If there ever was one, to begin with.) My hope and faith in her are no more, lost in my tears and frustration.

Love fails to reach us, hate has overtaken us, so much misunderstanding, so much distrust, total chaos, and destruction; only God was can help us now, 🙏

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Mystery train part 14

The next morning Dave was awoken loudly to his alarm that he set at ten am, he didn’t sleep well, he could never sleep well in other people’s houses, he missed home even if he wasn’t sure what home was yet, he just knew that this wasn’t it.  He washed up and then went downstairs expecting breakfast but instead the house was empty; laying on the kitchen table was a note that read “Dave, sorry you slept through breakfast but we didn’t want to wake you, there are some eggs in the fridge, feel free to cook yourself breakfast. We’ve gone to run errands, be back soon, Iris”  Dave smiled and poured himself a cup of coffee that had already been brewed, he was never much of a breakfast eater, his stomach always bothered him in the morning and he usually didn’t even drink coffee but he needed something to wake up with. Dave sat down in the living room and turned on the television. It was a local news report about a local crime wave that hit the city and police officials inability to prevent crime in the area, there were protests and called for the police chief and mayor to resign after a series of armed robberies left several people dead. Dave sighed, it seemed like the world is falling apart and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, he thought.

 

The hours passed by and it was now 1 pm, he had been up for 3 hours already. Dave grew concerned as he didn’t think it would take that long to run errands and he had no phone or ability to contact Iris. Dave found a home phone and picked up but then realized that he didn’t have Iris’s number.  Dave told himself to be patient and he sat down, found some DVDs and watched movies, trying to take his mind off of his worries until Iris and her parents came home, he was sure it would be soon. But by the time the movie was over, they were still gone, it was almost 4 pm, Dave didn’t know what to do. He was once again in a city that he didn’t know, staying in a stranger’s home with no way to contact them, he had no identification or memory of who he was, he was at the mercy of the people around him. Dave paced around the house, trying to figure out what to do next. Ok, it had only been 4 hours, no reason to panic but for some reason he had anxiety.

By the time 6 om rolled around and it was dusk, Dave was worried sick. He went out on the back porch to smoke a cigarette and suddenly noticed an older man in his backyard playing fetch with his dog. Dave called for the old man but he continued playing with the dog. Finally, the man looked up and acknowledged Dave. He slowly approached the fence with a smile on his face, Dave “Excuse me sir, do you know Jennifer and Bill that lives here?  The old man pointed toward his ear and shook his head no. The man was deaf and trying to communicate in sign language but it was lost on Dave. The man motioned for someone in the house to come to the yard. A young teenage girl about 15, ran into the yard and spoke to the man in sign language as she signed, she spoke as said “ Yes, Grandpa what is it? Oh, he has a question?” The girl asked Dave “ What are you doing in this yard and why are trying to talk to my grandfather”  “Well, I am staying with my friend and her parents and they left and haven’t come back yet, do you happen to know  a phone number that I can contact them with?” said Dave.  The girl’s face filled with confusion and said “ I don’t know who you are or if this is a joke but no one has lived here for years, I remember the family that lived here, they were nice and one day in the middle of the night, they packed up all their suitcases and left their house with everything in it, it was really weird”  Dave was in shock and thought the young girl must have been pulling a prank on him or something, He said “ Listen, that can’t be true, my friend’s parents live here, I stayed with them last night and I don’t know why you would be saying all this” The teenage girl retorted “So, you are calling me a liar?” I don’t know you; I have no reason to lie to you, believe what you want” Suddenly the girl saw some neighbors passing by and yelled to get their attention. “Hey Mike, Joan, this guy here showed up at the Erikson’s old house saying that they still lived here and was friend’s with their daughter”  Mike looked very puzzled and got closer to the fence and said “What are you talking about, Rebecca?:  She replied, “Yeah this guy says he knows the Erikson’s”  “What the hell,” said Mike. He turned to Dave and said “Look, I don’t know who you are and how you ended up here but the Erikson’s don’t live here and in fact, they only had one daughter and she died years ago and that is the reason they all left, it tore up the whole neighborhood up”  “So whoever you are, it is beyond to cruel to come here and stir up past wounds, in fact, I’m tempted to call the police on you for trespassing”   Dave visibly nervous said softly “I’m sorry I caused any trouble, I’ll be leaving now” Mike walked back toward his wife on the sidewalk, saying quietly “And don’t come back” When Dave turned around, Mike had a huge grin on his face and Rebecca quietly stifled a laugh as she ran inside.

 

Dave felt a wave of anxiety rise and questioned his own sanity. “Iris wasn’t real? He thought. Was he going mad?  Dave didn’t know what to do, he didn’t want the cops there and knew he had no choice to leave but he had to at least get his stuff. He walked back inside and saw the phone with a missed call from the caller id and someone had left a message, Dave was confused as to why a house that seemed lived in and was receiving calls was said to be abandoned. I mean, it made no sense, he had amnesia but he wasn’t crazy and he was for certain that this wasn’t an episode of the twilight zone. Dave was hesitant to listen to the answering machine but maybe it was Iris and the neighbors were lying about her family and the missing child. “But why?” he said to himself. Clearly, he was stressed and overthinking, by this time it was 8 pm and still no one home.  Dave finally hit the button on the answering machine…

Basketball days..

I’m about Eleven years old and I signed up for Turnpike basketball because one my childhood best friends loved basketball and his dad was the coach, I joined their team, I wanted to play sports and fit in with my friends. I knew I wasn’t great at basketball, I wasn’t coordinated and I got tired easily, I just wasn’t good at sports in general but I did hustle and played with heart. I was always nervous because I knew I wasn’t good and the crowd being there didn’t help, it was too much pressure. I knew my friend’s dad who was also the coach was not impressed by basketball abilities, I’m sure if he could have, he would have kept me on the bench for the entirety of the game.

I remember one game, in particular, I was on the court trying my best but I missed every shot, I fouled a couple times and I was intimidated by all these other kids who were bigger and better than me. At some point, I managed to steal the ball from the kid I was guarding and for whatever reason, I ran toward the basket on the opposite end of the court, I wasn’t even paying attention to my teammates or the crowd, I made a layup and score a goal until I heard the crowd boo me and my teammates looked very angry including the coach. In my excitement, I didn’t realize that I had made a basket for the other team, I saw parents from the stands grumble in disgust and the other team laugh at me, it was totally humiliating.

From that moment on, I really hated sports, I hated the competition and that everything was about winning, I hated how mean my teammates were with me when I made a mistake, I was frustrated at myself that I couldn’t play sports well despite my best efforts. Even now, the mere mention of sports annoys the hell out of me and I am sure it comes from the moments where I was made to feel like nothing because I threw the ball into the wrong basket. But what I hated the most was how grown adults could treat a child so poorly because he wasn’t the best basketball player in the world, it’s cruel. And that sticks with you the rest of your life.

I played a few more years despite me not liking it, I wanted to be with my friends but as my friends and I drifted apart, I stopped playing sports in any kind of leagues and just stuck to shooting hoops by myself in my driveway, no crowd, no pressure, just me, a basketball and my boombox. As I write this, I am filled with sadness but also pride that I had the courage to make the effort to play and came to the realization that sports wasn’t for me. And you know what, that’s ok. There is more to life than sports, I just everybody else could see it that way. 🏀

 

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No one likes me

No one likes me, they say they do but are they really my friends? This is what my mind has been saying daily to me for most of my life, it says that I’m no good, I’m worthy of friendship, eventually, people get sick of me and abandon me. It feels so real despite having friends who support my mental health advocacy, correspond with me, say they care, my mind can never fully trust them an that hurts. My friends don’t hurt me but my anxiety does, it bullies me into thinking that everyone is against me.

I truly think the one who dislikes me the most is myself, in many ways I hate myself, I don’t know why but I just don’t like the person in the mirror and I figure no one else does either. I call it social paranoia and the paranoia HAS cost me friendships many times, no one wants to around someone who needs constant reassurance, puts themselves down or questions who is friends are, I wouldn’t want to know that person either.

I don’t know if I was always like this but it certainly got worse after I was bullied, I couldn’t trust people and I  became hyper-vigilant in order to protect myself, it’s a constant fear of saying the wrong thing or coming across a certain way and then  I’ll be rejected and rejection stings.

I really don’t have a lot of skills at my disposal to combat my anxiety other than my journal, meds, and prayer, sometimes I may relay on friends but again, oftentimes I feel misunderstood so I keep these social paranoid feelings to myself, I shy away from speaking about it out loud for fear it will further drive people away.

It’s very lonely to have to deal with this anxiety every day. it hurts. I have anxiety attacks over social gaffes I may or may have not made and I’m sure others have forgotten them but my anxiety won’t let me forget it. All I know is that I really struggle with this and writing is my therapy, it’s the only way to process this barrage of anxiety. When is it going to go away, when can I finally relax? I even worry about how this entry is going to be perceived ( if anyone even bothers to read it.)  God, anxiety is the worst but at least I’m not alone, I’m never alone.

 

No one likes me

No one likes me, they say they do but are they really my friends? This is what my mind has been saying daily to me for most of my life, it says that I’m no good, I’m worthy of friendship, eventually, people get sick of me and abandon me. It feels so real despite having friends who support my mental health advocacy, correspond with me, say they care, my mind can never fully trust them an that hurts. My friends don’t hurt me but my anxiety does, it bullies me into thinking that everyone is against me.

I truly think the one who dislikes me the most is myself, in many ways I hate myself, I don’t know why but I just don’t like the person in the mirror and I figure no one else does either. I call it social paranoia and the paranoia HAS cost me friendships many times, no one wants to around someone who needs constant reassurance, puts themselves down or questions who is friends are, I wouldn’t want to know that person either.

I don’t know if I was always like this but it certainly got worse after I was bullied, I couldn’t trust people and I  became hyper-vigilant in order to protect myself, it’s a constant fear of saying the wrong thing or coming across a certain way and then  I’ll be rejected and rejection stings.

I really don’t have a lot of skills at my disposal to combat my anxiety other than my journal, meds, and prayer, sometimes I may relay on friends but again, oftentimes I feel misunderstood so I keep these social paranoid feelings to myself, I shy away from speaking about it out loud for fear it will further drive people away.

It’s very lonely to have to deal with this anxiety every day. it hurts. I have anxiety attacks over social gaffes I may or may have not made and I’m sure others have forgotten them but my anxiety won’t let me forget it. All I know is that I really struggle with this and writing is my therapy, it’s the only way to process this barrage of anxiety. When is it going to go away, when can I finally relax? I even worry about how this entry is going to be perceived ( if anyone even bothers to read it.)  God, anxiety is the worst but at least I’m not alone, I’m never alone.

Social media addiction

I am hopelessly addicted to social media, I am on there all day, constantly posting, seeking validation, I live for those likes and comments, I love the rush of my notifications bell going off, it makes me feel connected in a world wherein reality I feel totally isolated ( even before Covid 19). I feel like people understand me online, they judge me less, I can edit myself, I can delete posts, I can create an image of myself that makes me seem cooler and more interesting than I really am. I can live a lie and omit my glaring flaws, that’s what social media is all about

A lot of people knock social media but I actually receive tons of positive support online and it’s such an amazing feeling, I feel like I belong, I run groups, I do live Facebook videos, I am vulnerable, I put myself out there for the world to see and people respond, I have never felt understood and now I do, I should be happy, right? I am but I’m not and therein lies the problem, the joy of feeling connected is short-lived and I log off of social media feeling exhausted and frustrated by the whole thing.

Yes, I get support and I feel connected but I also feel overwhelmed ( even when I get more than enough praise), too many comments, too many messages, too much being in the spotlight, it’s unnerving at times and this constant need to be heard takes everything out of me. Because when the notifications go from a flood to a trickle ( and it always does), I need to make the next post that will get even more likes or comments and I have to respond to everyone to ensure my posts stays in everyone’s feed ( that’s how social media works, you don’t interact with others, you disappear) And to make matter’s worse, the social media algorithm buries our posts so that only a few people can see them and we never see the posts from the friends we care about, so we miss 95% of the movie and only get the end credits. And it makes us feel we are being ignored when in reality social media is toying with our emotions and controlling what posts we see, while our mental health deteriorates as a result,  it becomes an obsession to stay relevant.

And if the amount of likes or comments doesn’t bother me, it’s scrolling endlessly through my newsfeed ( again interacting with others so they will continue to see my posts.) I  see nothing but smiling faces, people with stable relationships, better jobs, more money; taking nice vacations, eating really delicious looking meals, more friends, the list goes on. And of course, after scrolling, I tell myself that it’s a lie, people are only posting their best moments ( a greatest hits album of their life, while mine is the b side) and I’m at home in my pajamas eating microwave spaghetti. People are fake on social media, just like they are in real life, so it shouldn’t be a surprise but it certainly feels real while I’m scrolling. And suddenly I’m comparing myself to my friends on Facebook, I’m not good enough or handsome enough or have enough friends, I am perpetually focused on what I don’t have instead of counting the many blessings I do have.

Lately, I have gotten zero joy out of being on social media, it doesn’t matter how many likes or comments or messages I get, nothing can quell my loneliness or frustration, nothing can satisfy me and I am just numb to the whole experience ( aside from the advocacy work I am doing with other advocates, that gives me joy) I feel a sense of anger and resentment at social media as a whole and it’s no longer healthy, even if I am advocating for mental health, being on social media has become counterproductive and it has hurt my creativity as well, my blog has taken a nosedive since all my energy went toward Facebook and Instagram, it’s a shame, really.

I have been logged out of all social media for two days now and while I feel anxious, I also feel relieved that I no longer have to see highlight reels or worry about likes or comments. My only reason for being on social media at this point is watch videos related to mental health that are a part of advocacy, aside from that I am no longer making posts of my own, I am no longer scrolling, I am taking an extended hiatus from social media, it is the only way to get better and recover from the damaged caused by these addictive platforms.  I can heal, I know I can do it and so can you.

Music: The refuge

Music the refuge, lost in a sea of slow piano notes, the beauty of it all, the trouble of the world around me disappears, transported to a far off world of peace and tranquility. On a boat above calming waters, with the light of the moon to guide me.
Entranced in these notes, feeling secure in the art of the distant past, self-expression through music, no words are needed, the keys speak for themselves, slowly drowning out tonight’s concerns as I close my eyes and soak it all in. Music, how I adore you..  🎵

You love me

I was so angry at you, I felt you didn’t love me and you had abandoned me and I had turned my back on you and out of the blue, you showed back up in my life and since you came back, I am happier and have finally found the peace I was searching for, for so many years. I was the one who abandoned you, not the other way around, you never left my side, even when I turned away from you, thank you for loving me unconditionally 

Silent darkness

Its pitch black outside, the screaming silence of darkness, it’s surreal; dream-like, a certain eeriness that I find comforting, I could get lost in this feeling and it wasn’t for the pouring rain drenching me, I might stay here all night; learning to embrace the silent darkness that lights tend to extinguish.

I need to finish my story

Last year I was actually writing my first long fictional story and I just ran out of creativity and started focusing on school and mental health advocacy on social media, I just stopped writing, I had almost forgotten about it too. It wasn’t until I started blogging again and looking at my posts that I remembered about the story I was working on, I was quite proud of it. I have decided to start the story again and try to finish it, who knows maybe I will self publish it. New chapters of “Mystery Train” will be posted soon,