I had a dream last night that I was sleeping in a dorm/school in a room at the very front. I was in my room at night; trying to get to bed and all of a sudden these two men burst in my room and were trying to steal my wallet; I held on to it and I could see my wallet close up; I was trying to place my id and credits cards back in and they wouldn’t fit. That seemed to be more important than the men who were trying to rob me. They ran off and a bunch of people in the hall were planning to look for them and kick them out. I ran to the front door and tried to lock it but I couldn’t. I tried and tried and I was really concerned since my room was right next to the entrance. One of my former supervisors at Costco was there and he kept telling that no one was supposed to be in the room where I was; it wasn’t safe.
The inability to lock doors in my dreams seems to be a recurring them and I the fear I felt was real in my dream; I didn’t feel safe and thought the two men would come back to hurt me. I wonder what locked doors mean in dreams and why I am always afraid. I rarely have dreams that are positive where I feel good. I wrote it down as soon as I woke and am hoping to make sense of it.
These are first videos I have made of me reading my poetry. I’m new at this so bare with me. One poem is dark and sad and based on real experience. The other is lighthearted and silly. Quite a contrast
All these years, It still haunts me and it crosses my mind more than it should. Being the butt of jokes; wishing I could keep my mouth shut; wanted to fix it but digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole of despair as I sat there; my feelings in full view; a sitting duck; with snipers all around me; all waiting to take their shot at me. And every time I get those feelings again; I think of that moment and I recoil; trembling in fear; a dog with a tail between it’s legs. I only blame myself. Why did I feel so deeply? Why did it hurt so bad. And why don’t I have an answer. An unresolved maze of a mystery; after all these years.
I want to make a quick update. Today was a new semester of college for me and I only have a few classes until I can get my degree in human service disabilities and finally graduate. I have finished all of my classes including internships and now all that I have left are these math courses. All my life I have had learning disabilities in math and every time I see a math problem; I automatically feel dumb and I feel myself get frustrated. When I got to class; we had to take knowledge check and I didn’t know anything. Out of 20 questions, I got 1 right; again, I felt stupid. Luckily, it didn’t affect my grade but it shows how far behind I am; I’m not bad at math; I simple can’t do it. I said a little prayer and told myself not to get frustrated because that only makes it worse. On a positive note; I am determined this time around; I am going to make this class successful. Late last year; I got in touch with a disability counselor and she said she could give me some accommodations; which hopefully will help. I’m going to email her tomorrow and see how she can help me. There is also a tutoring class available and I am going to go to that tomorrow; I really intend on making the effort. I pray that God will see me through and I am fortunate to have a lot of support and I am blessed. Thank you, friends, for all your kind words and understanding; it really makes a difference in my life.
You gotta stay alive, cause it ain’t no jive; when you’re 35 and you can’t survive. The words I just spoke are no joke so soak in this poem for awhile and you might find i’t’ll make you smile. Later
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