I’m doing fantastic

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a life update, but I’m doing fantastic, I’ve been stuck at home since March 2020, I haven’t gotten my vaccine yet and I’m not working because it’s not safe ( despite what some people may tell you). I have workng really hard at being unproductive and achieved maxium loneliness.

Social media which has been my main support during this time has gotten worse, with Zuck tinkering with the algorithm and half my friends ( good one) trying to sell me something and feigning interest in what I have to say in hopes I might buy something from them, it makes me feel great! I get a lot of pleasure of scrolling through endless feeds of smiling faces, with perfect jobs and relationships, it makes me appreciate being alone and unemployed a lot more. And people that used to talk to me have dropped off and I haven’t heard from them, so that really helps.

Let’s see, I am in therapy and that is actually good and believe it or not, I am making progress in some ways. And I am trying to get healthier physically, mentally and emotionally, we’ll see how that works out. But yeah, life is really fantastic and I couldn’t be happier.

What do you think of me?

What do you think of me, honestly? If you tell me, I’ll let know dishonestly how I feel about you. Deceit to save face, a smile, and a laugh to cover up the sound of grinding teeth and clenched fists. It’s a life long strategy to survive, it may not work well but it’s all I’ve got and it’s good enough…. 😟

There is hope..

It’s a battle of light and darkness, truth vs deceit. It’s been dark and we all feel the pain but there is hope; a glimmer of light, tears flow, a collective sigh of relief, good will always triumph over evil but we made it, we walk toward the light, combating hate with love and a duty to begin the healing of a time centered about divisiveness. Children of God we are, deserving of dignity, love, and respect. Moving forward, I won’t let anyone dim my light. ❤🔥🙏

Where are you?

How do i tell you how i feel when we’ve never met? I’m not sure if you even exist, except in the dark corners my mind.

Is love possible or at least probable?

Do you words make up for your lack of existence, I’d try to find you but i’m tripping over my own heart that’s been shattered to the ground.

Someday, im sure of it..

Thoughts before bed

My last thoughts before slumber, they’re coherent but with a hint of ramblingSlowing down, trying to shake away the racing thoughts of today’s events.Preparing for dreams that will inspire and enchant me until I wake up.Dreams are heavenly uneven messages from my subconscious being projected onto my pillow while my eyes blink rapidly back and forth.A ticket to sweet dreamland; until tomorrow; good night. 😴

I’m a nobody

I wish I was you, you’re better than me. You’re smarter, more successful, more confident.I’m a nobody, I know I can’t measure up and I know you’re thinking the same.Will, I ever have my own success’s to flaunt?Do my small achievement cause resentment for others, like I feel resentment?Am I a hypocrite; bitter at a life that I can never grasp?What’s the secret to your success? You must tell me… 😥

We’ll see each other again

I’ve been stuck at home for the last few months; trying to stay safe from this pandemic. It reminds me of that fact that I was born in the year of another medical epidemic that claimed many lives while the goverment took little action, seems very familiar, sadly.

To keep busy, I’ve been watching a lot of movies that I’ve found onlne Most of the films I watch are older,I prefer them. I tracked down this older film from the late 80’s, it was the first mainstream film to address AIDS in America and the toll it took on a group of gay men from NYC who dealing with caring for their sick loved ones who were dying, it was very powerful and heartbreaking. And though I wwas just a kid during those times and am not part of that community, something about that film really resonated with me, the idea of friendship till the end, empathy. having compassion for your fellow human being in spite of so much darkness, both from the disease and that from a society unwilling to help them.

I don’t want to go into a film review but I was struck by the last scene and it very haunting. At the end of the film, the only 2 surviving men and their female friend are walking alone the beach wondering what life would be like once they find a cure for AIDS. The female character states “It will probably be like the end of World War II) And suddenly a group of men ( who had previously died) run down the pier onto the beach and embrace one another. The surviving men see their friends again who had died and hugged. One of the surviving men sees his best friend who was the first to die and exclaims “You fuckin son of a bitch” and gives him this hug with relief on his face. It brings a tear to your eye because you know that it’s a fantasy and all of these people are dead. And the scene cuts back to the three surviving members on the beach alone again and it shatters your heart.

As I watched this last scene. I found myself crying and not because I had never lost anyone to AIDS ( I have not) but I have lost several family members, including my brother and the idea of seeing them again would fill that void I’ve been feeling for 20 years, to hug them and tell them I love them. We can move forward but we can never truely move on, they’ll always be in our hearts. I just thought of all of those who had taken their lives running on that beach, so many people, so much hurt, so much pain and sadness. Someday we’ll meet again. I miss my brother and I know someday I can hug him one more time.

Saturday night Sports Machine

A singular memory of long ago, I’m watching television late at night, Saturday night live ends followed by George Michael’s sports machine. It went from an exciting sketch show with a big crowd to a low budget sports clip show without an audience, just sports clips, boring. After this show were informecials until the sun came up. I could never sleep, I was too wired, days before the internet and social media, so paid programming it was, TV: The only espcae from my lonely nights..

The night time

Night owl am I, the daytime isn’t enough for me, I’m a nocturnal being, I get my energy in the darkness, the silence of emptiness fills my soul. While you sleep, I’m wide awake, thinking, creating and enjoying the peace and quiet. Normally busy places full of activity are now desolate and empty, an eeriness overtakes me, not sure how to take it, I’ll take it as far as it goes.. 🌌🦇🌙

Memories return

Memories coming back in waves of awakeness, some make me smile, others makes me scared, I want to hide away. Memories buried away by because my mind wouldn’t allow me to feel them and by the substances I used to numb myself. Trauma on top of trauma, faced alone made the burden heavier but now I heal, a time for healing, forgiveness, openness and vunerability, a page at a time, it’s ok, I’m ok, well, I’ll be ok. This is will take time, be patient with me as I am patient with myself. I’m a patient unraveling this puzzle, one session at a time, I’m ready to face it, it’s been a long time. Healing takes work but it’s worth it, God dammit it.