When I was a little kid, I was always bullied and it was usually by a bunch of boys gathered in a circle, all ready to take my hat or make fun of me or threaten to kick my ass, I learned instinctively to fear and distrust large crowds because usually when I saw a circle of people ( particularly all guys) I’d do anything I could to avoid them, I would have rather been by myself or talking to one of two other kids ( usually girls) that were my friends than to be where the crowd was and feel unsafe. Since then, I have never followed the crowd and gone in my own direction, I like to think for myself without being part of a group, I’m freer that way. 😎
We’re going on a beach trip, I am sitting in the backseat and I have my coloring books to keep me occupied for this long journey, mom and dad say it’s going to be 6 hours, that is forever kid’s years, Off we go, I can’t wait to go to the beach, I’m just giddy with excitement, hyper as always, my older brother is looking at me in annoyance but who cares what thinks, we’re going to the beach.
We drive further and out of the city and into the country, miles, and miles of open farmland, boooring, I tap my feet and sing along to the oldies station tape playing from the front seat which annoys my brother even further. After what seems like an eternity, I see the sparkling blue ocean below a towering bridge coupled with the bright blue sky with the piercing sun shining on the water, I am in awe at the military ships in the distance, it is magical to me but we are still only 2 hours from our destination, aww but I want to swim now.
My dad says “Ok, we are going through a tunnel now” It gets really dark and very noisy, all I see are orange streaks by my car window, I love it, it’s like an amusement park ride, we get through the tunnel quickly and we have crossed the state line. More farmland and country houses, I’m growing impatient. After an agonizing two hours, we finally reach our beach house, I want to swim in the ocean but mom and dad just want to rest from a long trip, this is torture to me.
After a short while, we drive to the beach, the smell of suntan lotion feels my nostrils and my feet are burning from the firey sand, I tell my mom that’s enough suntan lotion and I flee for the cold ocean. waving my arms in delight, my brother soon joins me in the water with two boogie boards, in my excitement I forgot about the boogie boards. I try my best to stay on top of the board but I always slip off, frustrated, I throw my board onto the sand and let the waves crash over me. Suddenly I find the waves dragging me down, seawater fills my lungs, I panic and my brother pulls me up.
I have had enough ocean for the moment, I go to sit with my mother and watch my dad and brother who are still in the ocean, as I walk towards my mom. I feel a pinch on my foot and I cry out in pain, my mother runs to me, consoling me, I was bitten by a stupid crab, it really hurts. Soon after that, I limp with the rest of my family back to the car and back to the beach house.
Although my foot hurts, it’s nice to get cleaned up, lay down and just relax, going to the beach took so much out of me, we are all really hungry, so we go out to dinner.
We go to this nice seafood restaurant, I love the hushpuppies and looking at the fish in the fishtank, I am fascinated by little fishies swimming around.. I avoid the stare of the crab because he bit me today and we are no longer friends. I order popcorn shrimp, my favorite. I can see the men bringing fresh fish fresh from a boat from the window, I love that. Everyone is done eating and my belly is full and I have a content smile on my face.
After dinner, we go to a movie: “I framed Roger Rabbit”, it is soo funny, how are the people talking to the cartoons? Are the cartoons real?. Jessica Rabbit is really pretty, I like her.
After the movie, my parents drag us to the shopping district, another boring adventure and we go to this store called Rose’s. I actually like this place, it has a distinct atmosphere with bright florescent lights and Hawaiian T-shirts everywhere. My brother runs up with a Guns and Roses t-shirt which is cool to me because it has guns and skeletons on it, I have no idea who Guns and Roses are but it’s a cool shirt, my parents tell him he can’t have the shirt and a disappointed look appears on his face.
We are finally back at the beach house and we have had quite a long day, I am in an unfamiliar house, in a strange room, laying in a bed that isn’t mine, there are weird stripes on the wall and the lamp is too bright. I still feel the rush of the ocean as I lay down, I hear the seagulls in my head and I can still smell the beach, it was a good day and I can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring but now it’s time for sleep. sweet dreams little Dave, sweet dreams.
Not only was Kurt Cobain a great musician but he was also a man who wasn’t afraid to show his sensitive side despite how others may have viewed him, he spoke in support for women when misogyny in rock was commonplace, he spoke out against homophobia in a still very homophobic society, he was someone I think who cared much about equality in a very sincere way, he didn’t run-up to the mic at an awards show and shout it but he quietly stated his views in interviews and he was very insightful. It’s shame he was so depressed that suicide was his only option, I admire him for courage and authenticity during his lifetime and he made it easier for men like to be open about my emotions and to show my emotional and feminine side without shame. I miss Kurt, he was incredible.
When I was 14, my brother took his life and after that, I remember having the need to talk about it a lot and I soon realized that it made people uncomfortable and their discomfort made me anxious so I stopped talking so much about it and I stuffed all those feelings inside for many years. A few years ago when I started to heal, I decided to write about my brother and post it publically, I was nervous about it because I wasn’t sure what people’s reactions would be and I realized that their reactions didn’t matter and the reason I was posting was to heal and help myself, I also realized that I not only was writing about my brother helping me but it could also help someone else who had lost someone to suicide or even someone who was struggling with suicidal thoughts themselves, it was healing for them too. So even if it makes some people uncomfortable I still write about my brother from time to time so that I can use my story to help someone, that’s what it’s all about.❤🙏
Whether people want to admit or not, America is a culture of bullying and shaming, we see in the media, we see at the workplace, school and social media, we love to build ourselves up by putting others down and excluding them, And we condone bullying by electing leaders who bully others and hurl insults when they don’t get their way( on both sides of the aisle), Parents gossip and exclude others who are different from them and they never take the time to teach their children to accept other’s differences; kids see this example and run with it and take it to the school playground where they bully any kid that’s different and the teacher’s look the other because they really don’t want to deal with bullying unless they see it with their own eyes and rarely is bullying out in the open, it usually in the shadows away from the eyes of adults. We can’t fix the problem until we recognize it exists, we have a bullying culture in this country and it is an epidemic. Now what can we do about it? 🤔
A distant figure with a smile you could see for miles and a dye tie t-shirt. who I was too afraid to talk to and who I thought would never talk to me. It’s like it happened yesterday but it was so long ago, it’s was on my mind all week, butterflies in my stomach, a lump in my throat, shaking from perpetual nervous, Was this the right moment? No, too many people, here’s my chance, I walk up to her, she’s giving me a blank stare, I open my mouth to speak but all that comes out is silence, a silence so loud that everyone could hear, she looks confused, I hear the laughter of my critical peers, I am dumbfounded, I hang my head down in defeat, I run from this scene without looking back and hide for the safety of my poetry. 😔
I left home with sunny skies, hopeful for a new day, as I drove further on, dark clouds hovered above me, my optimism faded along with the hope of a bright day, my smile replaced with a worried look of concern as the sky grew darker, raindrops pummeled my windshield, tears from the sky, all was lost. I turned around and went back home, defeated and back in my cocoon of a room, safe and sound .🌧 🚗 🏠