I woke up this morning and it was rainy outside, in fact it had been raining since last night and I was kind of in gloomy mood and stressed out about a lot of things happening in my life. So, I have been in touch with a lot of life coaches and counselors online and it has really been helpful because I learn different methods of how to better cope with anxiety and depression. This woman who I have communicated with a lot before offered to give me a free 7-day session, where we talk one on one through video online. I was very nervous at first because my social anxiety makes it difficult to talk to people on video but so far, I have found her to be really kind and understanding. She’s a life coach and not a therapist, so she has a different approach then my previous experience with therapists. A lot of what she seems to be do is action oriented, it’s not about merely talking about problems but focusing on negative thought patterns and the feelings associated with them, a lot of it is new to me but I find it helpful. Due to financial issues, I can’t continue past these initial 7 days but I will get as much as I can, use it as a base and maybe in the future when my finances are better, start talking to a life coach because I really like their approach.
So, you know how I mentioned that I tried to make a podcast and had a panic attack, well, I told her about it and she asked me what specifically made me the most anxious, I told her. She instructed me to write about how I was feeling both emotionally and physiologically and then she told me write down the memory that caused the panic attack. I wrote it down and I am not going to explain in detail but had to do with feeling rejected and humiliated, interestingly enough as I wrote, I didn’t have an anxious reaction ( maybe since I’ve written about it before a few times). So today we talked about it and I told her to the story more in detail and she noted that I didn’t seem anxious while I relaying the story and assured me that what happened and how I felt were normal and that a lot of people felt that way, that made me better. And amazingly she asked me to go back further and find another memory that was similar and we actually went back to when I was a kid and the feelings associated with this memory, I hadn’t thought about it in years and never really dealt with it, it was just kind of stored in my memory, totally unresolved. She kind of took me back and I was in that memory for a few minutes and it was very intense but it was healing, I kind of lost myself in the moment because she told me to close my eyes and she was guiding through this memory, it was powerful and I don’t think anyone has tried that approach with me before. So, once I opened my eyes, I told her that I connected that earlier memory to what happened years later, like I was triggered as an 18-year-old as something that happened when I was 9 years. I had never put two and two together, just an amazing breakthrough.
So, after the session, I was stressed because I had to deal with some tax stuff and I was not any place to deal with that. I needed time to process what had happened. So, as I usually do, I felt angry and lashed out at the person I was dealing with because they didn’t understand or really respect that I needed the space to process the counseling session. Oh, this is important to note. So, this life coach had made a post about rainy weather and how it affects our emotions, she tagged me in the post. So, after the tax things, I looked out the window and realized the sun had come out and the ground was dry. So, after the storm, there is always sunshine. And I don’t believe coincidences, everything happens for a reason. Just something I wanted to share with you today.
Note: As I am posting this, the clouds are dark and it’s thundering again. I am so confused lol