My brother died today

22 years ago today, my brother passed away and my heart broke, he was my best friend and we had a strong bond, we were brothers and loved each other. We’d spend time together, he’d protect me from bullies and we’d laugh and have so much fun. I miss him everyday and will always miss him but I remember the good times and the wonderful sweet and gentle soul that was my brother. I miss you Joe and I love you

 

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The love of Jesus

What hurts me the most is that he was a gentle man who preached love and tolerance, who taught us to forgive and love one another, to love our enemies and turn the other cheek when others hurt us and what did they do? They spat on him, they flogged him, mocked him; calling him King of the Jews. And when given a choice between letting this man of love go or two murderers, they chose the murderers. They then made him carry his own cross while continuing to mock him. He was nailed to the cross while those around him shouted ” If you are.the son of God, save yourself and come down from that cross”” all in a mocking tone. But he remained there until finally in a loud voice cried ” Lord why have you forsaken me?”. He could have easily avoided this fate, this pain and humiliation but it had to be done because he died for us, for our sins, so we could have enteral life. Even though he loved us and it needed to be done, the story hurts me so, the lack of humanity of this world. How we hurt the most gentle and loving persons and worship those that hurt others, are spiteful and do nothing to make this world a better place. Jesus is my savior and my friend and forever I will love him. Amen 🙏🙏🙏

Puppy love

Oh puppy, when I first saw you, I knew it was love at first sight, your tail wagging, circled by so many that wanted your attention, you had them wrapped around your little paw, a smile entered my face and I needed that so bad, I’ve been down lately and feeling hurt, I needed a friend and when I held you in my arms, I was beaming as were you.  Thank you puppy for making my morning bright after so many tough days, keep that tail wagging and that smile, keep being happy and hopefully we’ll see each other soon.   Goodbye sweet puppy

 

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Beach of my mind

 

My heart has been troubled lately, looking for an answer, feeling lost without direction; not knowing who to turn to, been doing some thinking about reassessing where I want to go in life, feeling scared and on display, the Truman show comes to mind.  Thinking about putting my trust back in God, people may let you down, but he never will.  I lay in bed; trying to calm my mind, I close my eyes and an image appears, wave crashing on an empty beach, seagulls flying through the sky, sitting in a beach chair, my feet in the hot sand, my nerves are calming, my thoughts slow down as does my heartbeat, I feel at peace, is this mindfulness, not quite sure,   I need to get this beach even I am in my bedroom and it’s only in mind, only in dreams,  so I get in my dream car and drive to the beach I’ve imagined in my imagination, an empty beach, made only for me, which I can go to when life becomes too much.

 

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Trust your gut

Trust your gut, it will always guide you in the right direction, keep your antenna up, ready to pick up signals of deception and manipulation, smiles and sweet words can be deceiving but you want to believe it, so you fall for it every time, desperate to be understood and in serious need of help, you’re vulnerable, out there in the cold wind, without a branch to hold on as wolves surround you, they see you as their next meal. How can you survive in this harsh environment, where you are prey without a pack to turn to?

 

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Bipolar

I am really tired but I wanted to share something I posted on my Facebook.  It’s short, simple and to the point

 

Part of being bipolar means that my moods fluctuate. I can be happy and upbeat one minute and feeling anxious another and oftentimes, I feel angry for and annoyed at everyone and I always regret that. I have trouble sleeping and I was woken by some noise this morning and I’m in a shit mood. Despite all that I going to try and be positive, communicate with others and continue my advocacy. Not every day is going to be a good day but I do want to say that this is an illness like any other and just like I want others to have love and compassion towards me, I have to do the same with myself today. So, I am going to be gentle with myself and do the best I can.

Here comes the sun

 

 

I woke up this morning and it was rainy outside, in fact it had been raining since last night and I was kind of in gloomy mood and stressed out about a lot of things happening in my life. So, I have been in touch with a lot of life coaches and counselors online and it has really been helpful because I learn different methods of how to better cope with anxiety and depression.  This woman who I have communicated with a lot before offered to give me a free 7-day session, where we talk one on one through video online.   I was very nervous at first because my social anxiety makes it difficult to talk to people on video but so far, I have found her to be really kind and understanding. She’s a life coach and not a therapist, so she has a different approach then my previous experience with therapists.  A lot of what she seems to be do is action oriented, it’s not about merely talking about problems but focusing on negative thought patterns and the feelings associated with them, a lot of it is new to me but I find it helpful. Due to financial issues, I can’t continue past these initial 7 days but I will get as much as I can, use it as a base and maybe in the future when my finances are better, start talking to a life coach because I really like their approach.

So, you know how I mentioned that I tried to make a podcast and had a panic attack, well, I told her about it and she asked me what specifically made me the most anxious, I told her. She instructed me to write about how I was feeling both emotionally and physiologically and then she told me write down the memory that caused the panic attack.   I wrote it down and I am not going to explain in detail but had to do with feeling rejected and humiliated, interestingly enough as I wrote, I didn’t have an anxious reaction ( maybe since I’ve written about it before a few times).  So today we talked about it and I told her to the story more in detail and she noted that I didn’t seem anxious while I relaying the story and assured me that what happened and how I felt were normal and that a lot of people felt that way, that made me better.  And amazingly she asked me to go back further and find another memory that was similar and we actually went back to when I was a kid and the feelings associated with this memory, I hadn’t thought about it in years and never really dealt with it, it was just kind of stored in my memory, totally unresolved.  She kind of took me back and I was in that memory for a few minutes and it was very intense but it was healing, I kind of lost myself in the moment because she told me to close my eyes and she was guiding through this memory, it was powerful and I don’t think anyone has tried that approach with me before.  So, once I opened my eyes, I told her that I connected that earlier memory to what happened years later, like I was triggered as an 18-year-old as something that happened when I was 9 years. I had never put two and two together, just an amazing breakthrough.

 

So, after the session, I was stressed because I had to deal with some tax stuff and I was not any place to deal with that. I needed time to process what had happened. So, as I usually do, I felt angry and lashed out at the person I was dealing with because they didn’t understand or really respect that I needed the space to process the counseling session.  Oh, this is important to note.  So, this life coach had made a post about rainy weather and how it affects our emotions, she tagged me in the post.  So, after the tax things, I looked out the window and realized the sun had come out and the ground was dry.   So, after the storm, there is always sunshine.  And I don’t believe coincidences, everything happens for a reason. Just something I wanted to share with you today.

 

Note:  As I am posting this, the clouds are dark and it’s thundering again.  I am so confused lol