Dream #8

I wanted to share another dream I had. It’s a reoccurring dream involving my previous employment at Costco; I have had at least 3 dreams revolving them.  In this dream I was in the back parking lot of Costco, talking to a girl who I didn’t recognize. I was telling her that I was going to apply again for the job.  You see, I was seasonal at Costco and they let me go after the Christmas season. I was told to apply again in March when they had more openings.  Anyways, she said told me that she could talk to one of the managers about it. Next thing I know, he’s asking me if I could work the night shift from around 11 pm to 6 am.  There was some confusion. One person was saying it was until 6 am and the other it was saying until 2 am, I was trying to clarify it and unable to get answers. I remember feeling concerned because I wasn’t prepared to work and certainly not to work all night long.  The manager was saying I was going to do chemical clean up or something; I was handed a smock and a broom.  The guy training me was the guy who trained me at the bakery in Costco.  Sometime during the night, I saw this girl I used to like from a few years back, , she was training too and the girl who I asked out before I left ( It didn’t work out) was also there, she didn’t say anything. That’s all I can remember but it certainly was quite a dream



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Why are men afraid to talk about mental health?

Today I made another video. I’m taking some time to talk about the stigma of men and mental health. It’s time we as men are more open about struggles with mental health, stop shaming men who talk about mental illness openly, as males we should support one another not tell other guys to “man up”. I call this suicide prevention because the suicide is high among men, mostly due to stigma. I am hoping to connect with other men on social media who are willing to advocate for mental health and spread awareness because some days I feel like I’m the only one speaking out.


What is normal?

I was having a breakfast at this diner and on the tv was a story about a man born with no limbs that was able to play sports, pretty inspiring. Seated next to me was a man and his son, I heard the man say to his son ” See, you worry about the little things, be grateful you’re normal” What an ignorant and insensitive comment to make, I was just filled with sadness, those are the values he teaches his son, that disabled people are “Abnormal” and to have gratitude that he’s not like “Them”. I shook my head to myself and went back to my breakfast.


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In the middle of the night

Sometimes it will hit me in the middle of the night, this emptiness, this melancholy that overtakes me and leaves me feeling numb. I don’t know where it came from and how long it’s going to be here but it’s an unwelcome guest, hiding in the day time, coming out at night to mess with my mind, to lie to me and tell me I’m worthless, to tell me no one cares, to tell me I should hide my, to make me question everything, a guest, more like a pest. It only arrives when I’m alone, with my thoughts. vulnerable to attack, from an a ghostly force waiting to possess my mind, And I lay helpless on the ground, screaming but only the sound of a foghorn comes out, warning incoming ships to turn back, it’s too dangerous ahead. Waiting for daylight to arrive, waiting for peace to come to this weary soul

Poem by David Aguilera



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How do you live with yourself

Warning :this post may be a trigger to those have suffered sexual abuse

I had a long conversation with someone about my brother’s suicide today and this woman was really kind and understanding.   I’ve been thinking about it throughout the day and it occurred to me that not only was the suicide a devastating lost but also extremely traumatic since I was only 14 and totally ill equipped to handle such a sudden and tragic event with no answers. I was thinking about childhood trauma and all of sudden I thought about someone I knew when I was younger who was sexually abused by a family member when she was a little girl. From time to time; I read about sexual abuse and while I empathize; I don’t fully understand since I have never been sexually abused; I can’t even imagine what it is like to be in that position.  It wasn’t until I heard about what happened to this girl; did it help me to understand the trauma of sexual abuse among children. As I was thinking about her; I was thinking how  the last time I saw her, her mother was marrying a man, whose children would be her abusers; she was much younger than me and it about a year or so after the trauma of losing my brother. I will not go into the details of what I know about the story except she was abused.  Even though that it’s been over 20 years and have not seen her since; my heart breaks and I am filled with a deep sadness and anger.  I remember her as a cute little girl; innocent and trusting; and just a kid, you know. She came to our house to play in the neighborhood pool and I watched cartoons with her in her house; it was like being an older brother to a sister I never had.   And that innocence was taken away; she was robbed of a normal childhood.  As I’m writing this; I realize I may have written this earlier but I felt it important to write about; in regards to trauma.

About a year ago, I got in touch with her on Facebook. I added her reluctantly; I knew that maybe she needed to be talking to females; they were safer.  She ended up messaging me regularly and we would talk about how our lives were and sometimes she’d hint at the abuse.  A part me of didn’t feel comfortable talking to her because of her past history but I did notice something interesting.   She’d tell about PTSD type symptoms and that she was on disability; from what I could gather; she’d never held a job; driven a car or had many social outlets. She would spend most of her time at home playing video games but she did have a boyfriend; which made me happy;  I was glad she found someone who understood her. The other thing I know noticed was  that at times it felt like I was talking to 7 or 8 year old ( the age when the abuse began) instead of woman who was almost 30.  I can’t explain it but for example she was most excited because her mother was going to buy her a Nintendo ds for her birthday and she spent all of her days playing games online and how mom doesn’t allow her to do this or that; I’m not being harsh; I’m trying to point that she seemed perpetually stuck at a young age and I wonder if it has something to do with the trauma she induced.   As if her brain won’t allow her to age to the point where she was abused.  It hurt so bad to talk to her that I had to cut off communication. I also didn’t want to be accused somehow of any wrong doing by messaging her.  It felt like an adult talking to a little girl and it felt wrong to continue the conversation.  That being said; I have love in my heart for her and it hurts me so much that this little girl that came to my house to play was abused so badly that she can’t function as an adult; in any capacity. And I feel guilty for writing but I look at this post as educational and I use it bring awareness to sexual abuse; not trigger anyone.  No one involved in this story reads my blog or has any contact with me. I am very careful to protect those that have been hurt.

I also wonder what happened to those boys. So much time has passed and as far as I know ; they were never charged. So I think, those boys are now grown men, with children and wives, my question is: how they live with themselves?. If they have children how do they look at them and not realize the child’s live that the ruined forever.  How do they sleep at night knowing that the little girl they abused is now a full grown woman who can’t hold a job, make friends, has ptsd and disability and is so traumatized, is still emotionally a child? How in the fuck do you live with yourselves? God forgives but it’s harder for me to forgive.  Those bastards got off Scot free and if they could abuse her, what makes you think they’re not capable of sexual abusing their children or another child. It makes me so fuckin angry that they got away with it.  With my trauma, I blame my brother, but it’s hard to be angry with someone’s who’s dead. In her case, her abusers are roaming the streets free. Sexual abuse has longstanding effects and it isn’t until someone you know goes through it does it hit you emotionally.  I think I’m done here.  I apologize again if anyone was triggered by this post.