A funeral

I listened to the Unplugged in New York album over and over again, a last gasp, a funeral with flowers layed out, I searched for clues,,, all these years, I still don’t have an answer. 😥

 

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Does my anxiety make you anxious?

Usually when we talk about anxiety, we talk about it makes us feel but we also forget that sometimes our anxiety makes other people uncomfortable, they sense we are nervous and don’t know why, so they either think we are up to something or perplexed as to why we are so nervous when they are so calm. And of course for the anxious person, they pick up on their discomfort of the calmer person which only increases the anxiety, It’s a terrible thing, this anxiety. And to make matters worse, no one talks about anxiety openly, so we are left feeling alone (when we are not). Just my anxious thoughts a 1:45 am in the morning. 😕 😬

Disconnected

I think people are somewhat like a wifi connection. Sometimes there’s a connection and you’re satisfied and everything is running smoothly; other times there’s just no connection and no matter how hard you try and how much you’d wish for that connection to be there; it’s out of your hands. So all you can do is just accept for the moment that you can’t connect and hopefully, in time you’ll find other connections and be able to get your wifi back.

 

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Life update

It has been such a long time since I have written an update. I am sorry, my advocacy on social media takes up so much of my energy. I have connected with hundreds of people in so many positive ways, I am amazed actually.  I have been doing Facebook lives and I created a mental health group on there and it is flourishing. I am now flooded with messages and comments and it so difficult to keep up and I just haven’t had time to blog but very good things are happening.

I wrote earlier about trying to get a substitution for the required math class which was the only class I had left. I fought the school and pushed for them to either waive the class or give me a substation, I wasn’t optimistic I’d get either. I have a learning disability in math and I failed the course three times even with accommodations, I was hopeless and thought I’d never get my degree. But low and behold, after several meetings, I got a notice that they were going to substitute my math class with Astronomy, no equations or multiplication, heck yeah.  It was a miracle and a prayer answered. And not only did they substitute my class, but I also have the scholarship to help me finish school, my books and tuition are paid for, by the grace of God.

 

So today was my first class and I was anxious because I have had such difficulties the last few semesters, but I went and got through it. The teacher seemed really nice and the classroom is small plus I was able to get the accommodations I need from disability services. I just know I am going to have to really focus and study this semester, this is it, the last hurray and I really want this degree, I don’t want to piss it away, so I have to be determined and I’m going to study my ass off, that’s what I’ll do.  I am just so proud that I have come this far, I never thought in a million years that I’d be this close to a college degree but here I am, a goal realized.

Like I stated earlier, my advocacy has really grown by leaps and bounds, I am reaching more people than I could have ever imagined. I am connected with therapists. Authors, therapists, advocates, entrepreneurs and through networking, my mental health advocacy is growing every day and I feel I am making a huge difference. I have hundreds of people tell me how my words have resonated with them and I am so humbled.  I even am going to be on a mental health podcast and possibly volunteer for a mental health radio show including being a guest, I mean it’s crazy, this wasn’t even possible 4 or 5 months and here I am., I couldn’t be more optimistic.

My volunteer work has also been going well but I won’t be able to help as much because I have school on those days but I will see them at church and will visit when I can, I am so incredibly grateful for all the wonderful things happening in my life at the moment, I pray it continues. And I am going to make more of an effort to update my blog. Thank you as always for listening.

 

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God loves you

When I feel I depressed and anxious, I feel like throwing in the towel, I then realize that God’s working in my life and I think of all the blessings he’s given to me, I get gratitude and I always feel better. I think of the times in my life where I felt so low and God spoke to me, either through the people I knew or something as simple as a song on the radio, he was reaching out to me and sometimes I’d ignore it and other times I recognized it right away, looking up at the sky and saying thank you because I knew it was him. So while life won’t ever be easy, I can take comfort in knowing is always God taking care of me and I’ll be alright in the end. I’m feeling blessed at the moment and hope you are as well. Have a beautiful day, friends. God loves you. 🙏 

Alienation

I live in this culture but I don’t feel a part of it, I feel totally disconnected, disjointed, on the outside looking in, Alienated, discarded like yesterdays trash. I speak but my words get twisted and spit out into fits of indifference. my screams go unheard by the masses, sipping on their brews on monotony, droning on with their useless character assassinations of one another, while the waiter looks on with disgust.

And I watch from a safe distance, alone, wanting to be a part of but at the same time silently judging them for they know not what they do, they hate and they hurt and they lie and it’s become second nature, like breathing or placing the fingers furiously on the keyboard, churning out the inner ramblings of a mad man who neither fits nor is joined in this circus we call a society.

I will continue to float alone but content in being my own man,at least for time being.

 

 

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A kind face/ Sand

Thoughts swirl around my mind, I find my thinking racing at rapid speed, I need to meet a kind face in this place.

 

I scan the room and boom, I see someone, they turn and give me a smile, it takes a while for me to think of something to say, I know they don’t have all day and I’d be crushed if they walked away.

 

I open my mouth to speak, I’m trying to say the right words, a part of me wants to bolt for the door, if this keeps up, I’ll surely fall to the floor.

 

I try to talk but the words I can’t express, silence, clear is my distress.

 

What’s it all about? My inner voice begins to shout, this didn’t go as planned, I shrink to the ground, turning into sand, falling on the land.

 

And that was the end of me and the final chapter in my story, all that there was, with no glory.