A kind face/ Sand

Thoughts swirl around my mind, I find my thinking racing at rapid speed, I need to meet a kind face in this place.

 

I scan the room and boom, I see someone, they turn and give me a smile, it takes a while for me to think of something to say, I know they don’t have all day and I’d be crushed if they walked away.

 

I open my mouth to speak, I’m trying to say the right words, a part of me wants to bolt for the door, if this keeps up, I’ll surely fall to the floor.

 

I try to talk but the words I can’t express, silence, clear is my distress.

 

What’s it all about? My inner voice begins to shout, this didn’t go as planned, I shrink to the ground, turning into sand, falling on the land.

 

And that was the end of me and the final chapter in my story, all that there was, with no glory.

 

 

 

 

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Lies my anxiety tells me

My anxiety is constantly lying to me and it is amazing that it took me thing long to realize that. But in trying to combat my anxiety I wanted to write down some of the things my anxiety lies to me

 

  1. Everyone hates me and I’ll never be able to make friends
  2. I’m stupid and that’s what everyone else thinks too
  3. I’m ugly/unattractive. I’ll never have a girlfriend or marry
  4. I am my anxiety, it defines me
  5. I’ll never be able to independent/ I’ll never find a job that will pay enough to live on
  6. Avoiding situations that make me anxious will decrease my anxiety
  7. I have no skills, I’m competent and can’t get anything right
  8. No one else is as anxious as I am, my case is the worst, I am alone in this
  9. I will always have bad anxiety is there is nothing I can do to make it better

 

 

I want to take the time to address each point because I have realized that all of these are blatant lies and I can counter all these statements

 

  1. I have met many people throughout my life that really care about me, people who I didn’t think liked me and it turned out they thought about me throughout the years, I had an impact on them, they just never told me. I have heard a lot of people say how kind I am and honest, that makes me feel good. And even recently I thought a whole group of people didn’t like me until I took the time to get to know them and realize they were my friends, and even though we don’t know each other well, they still like me. My anxiety makes me think everyone in the room doesn’t like me, when they don’t even know me. I think the worst in people like everyone is against me and that kills my confidence and of course, no one approaches me because my self-esteem is so low. I feel when I simply just walk up to people and talk to them, they are usually friendly and I realize how wrong I’ve been. That gives me comfort and it combats that anxiety.

 

  1. I think that while I struggle with learning disabilities in some areas, in other areas, I excel. I think I have a gift of expressing myself through writing, I taught myself a lot of the Spanish I know because I was determined. I never thought I would make it through college but I am a class away from a degree and was on the dean’s list, so I am far from stupid but anxiety makes me focus on what I’m not good at.

 

3        To be honest, I’ve never had a relationship with a woman and that hurts. I look at myself and I don’t like how I look but the truth is that I know there have been plenty of women I’ve come across that liked me and it was my emotional difficulties that keep the relationship from starting, not my looks.  I knew they were attracted to me at some point because they approached me but I could never get over my anxiety.

I actually remember going out about a year ago to a bar and I each time I went, I managed to have a conversation with at least 1 woman there and I went out about 4 times.  And all of these women were really attractive and each time they approached me; I was really amazed. I was so proud I was able to hold a conversation with all of these women. So clearly, my looks are less of a factor than my anxiety and that would make me think and if I worked on myself and reduced the anxiety and gained higher self-esteem, I might find someone.

 

  • I am not my anxiety, it doesn’t define me. I am so much more than that. I am a kind, loving person with a big heart.

 

  1. I think if I find the right job that suites me and the right environment, I could thrive. My gifts are helping people and I am praying and hoping I can get into the disability field, it is a passion of mine and I know that I could be good at it, find a career and manage to live on my own.

 

  1. The more I avoid certain situations and people, the worse it becomes because I never learn how to deal with it, I may be comfortable leaving but I haven’t faced my fears, it doesn’t help me gain my confidence. In order to combat my anxiety, I have allowed myself to be uncomfortable and try to find ways to reduce my anxiety in social situations, like praying or taking a quiet moment and coming back, running away isn’t the solution

 

  1. I think it goes back to the stupidity lie, I do have skills, I have gifts ( we all do!) and there are so many things I am good at and I focus on that as opposed to the things I am not so great at.

 

  1. It is amazing that once I started writing about anxiety that so many people came up to and told me they suffered from it too, so many people are affected by it and don’t even talk it. And by talking about my anxiety, it helps others have to courage to be open about their struggles, that has helped me so much and reduced my anxiety. Lately, I have met several people in person who I thought didn’t have any kind of issues, tell me they also have mental health struggles, they seemed so confident and I felt alone and yet there were people around me who are just as anxious. And although we are not totally open about, just know there are other people who have anxiety, makes me feel a whole lot better. We are never alone.

 

  1. My anxiety will improve when I start to counter the lies when I face my fears when I talk about my struggles openly and most importantly write about them and continues to be in a community of those trying to recover from mental health struggles.

Ghosts of the past continue to haunt me, I feel the searing fire of their rejection, the loud rumbling of their laughter at my expense, their mockery lingers on in the recesses of my mind, the mere thought incenses me and fills me with shame and a punctured soul, yearning for acceptance but receiving none.

 

Those faces are long gone but the feelings remain, every new person I meet. I wonder, is that how they think of me? A punchline? The idea someone could accept me for who I am is unfathomable, so my defenses kick in. I judge before I get judged, this way they can’t hurt me, I won’t let it happen. Warped perception based on fallacies.

 

This constant worry I’ve come to realize is never based on the truth of the present but the pain of the past. Yeah, they did me wrong but that’s not today, not everyone is like that, some people actually care and I have to recognize that and accept that. The anxiety isn’t unfounded but it’s certainly not relative to everything situation today, I’m realizing this.

 

I gain peace of mind, enough to allow myself to accept friendship and love, something that’s been lacking for so long, something so vital, like vitamins for the soul. Learning, growing is what life is all about. A calmness over.

Communication for those with Autism

For those on the Autistic spectrum, they often feel misunderstood. When they try to communicate with others, they have an idea of what they want to say in their head and it makes perfect sense but they can’t express in a way that most people can fully understand, also many have anxiety which creates difficulties in communicating with others, this all leads to frustration and anger on the Autistic person. A misunderstanding on the other end is interpreted as “They hate me” which creates anger and hostility and because of that, they shy away from social interaction because it is so painful and difficult to be constantly misunderstood. They are left lonely and isolated in a world that will never understand them, I find that sad 

The car accident

It must have been the early 90’s, my family and I were somewhere, maybe shopping and in the parking lot we got into a car accident, it wasn’t serious and no one was hurt but it was the first accident I had ever been in, I was about 8 or 9, for some reason I was deeply affected, it really shifted my mood to a dark place. Like the mere face that we COULD have been hurt and it was as easy as getting in the car for a drive, life changes in a blink of an eye.

As a kid I listened to a lot of oldies and I knew most of the song and I remember hearing “California dreaming” by the Mama’s and the Papas and I don’t know what it was but it filled me with so much sadness, it seemed to encapsulate my mood, I mean it was a sad song to begin with and I think it was raining the day or two after this car accident, which meant I was already in a sad mood.

Every time I hear that song, it takes me back to that place as a kid when I realized life wasn’t always predictable and we have to deal with crashes here and there, it’s a part of life. I tended to be affected deeply by things that may have seemed like nothing to someone else but to me shattered my world, like the idea of safety and predictability. All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey……

 

Tell me how you feel

Never hold in your feelings, it will eat away at your soul, say how you feel and the weight will be lifted from your heart, don’t think, just speak, the words will flow exactly the way they’re supposed to be, Face the fear, fight the uncertainty and regardless of the outcome you can take comfort in knowing at least for the moment, you conquered one of your giants. Celebrate this one, the relief you get from speaking your mind. And we breathe…..

Only in dreams

The only times I see you is in my dreams, in my awaken state I’ve forgotten your face and voice but when I dream you’re there talking to me as if you’re still here, just as I remember you, forever young.  A part of me in the dream is thinking “I know you’re gone and this is an illusion” but I’m so thrilled to see you again I humor the REM waves of memory and subconscious. Old faces join us in the dream, like in the past, we’re all in this place together, like before,  sometimes you’re close by and I enjoy talking with you, hearing your voice again, it’s comforting as it as if it’s your way of letting me know you’re ok. Other times you’re far away in the distance, I can see you but I can’t reach you, I try in vain to get your attention but you never seem to know I’m there.

 

When I wake up, I have come to the realization that it was only a dream and you’re still out of reach and the pains of loss encompass me so, I shake with sadness that the reality is so painful after all these years but with all that, it’s still good to talk to you even when I’m sleeping and our conversation was a figment of my imagination. I only hope when I close my eyes tonight and drift off to sleep I might be able to see you again, if only for a short while.  See you in my dreams, until later