For as long as I could remember I have always had obsessive intrusive thoughts; I used to constantly worry about everything and I still do. When I was a kid I used to worry about not finding the car or someone breaking into our house and hurting us; it was disruptive not only to myself but to everyone around me. I was in therapy and medications but the obsessive thoughts never waned; they just kept going. The most obsessive thoughts related to how people think of me which is still with me in adulthood. I go around in circles in my head; analyzing why people don’t like me or how I could improve so they’d be my friends. I mean, i lay in bed at night coming up with ways I could change my behavior so that my relationships would improve. Sometimes I obsess about a social mistake I have made; wanting to back to change; what I could have said better; if i could go back in time I’d do it this and so on and so on; it drives me mad actually. Obsessional thinking has kept me from having relationships because I get hung up on signals; is she interested? not interested? When she said that what does that mean? And when I tell others how I feeling about someone; than it makes matters much worse. The more anxious I get; the further I drive this potential relationship away; it has happened many times and it’s all due to this anxiety; I can’t control. I can’t control my thoughts. I can’t go through a work shift without constantly counting down the minutes until I go home;8 hours to go; 7; 6, 5/12 lol. And then when i get home I obsessively think about work and how stressful it is. I obsess about ways I can improve and how I can better react; and when I get there I obsess about going home; a never ending cycle. I even obsess about obsessing; asking myself how can I obsess less? I will give you an example about the little things that can trigger this thinking. I was joking to someone about how I wasn’t allowed at a certain store that had been shut down. I was slyly implying it was because I was caught shoplifting; I didn’t actually say it outright. Anyways I started thinking about all these places and people that I once known that are no longer there; the past. I thought about how people changed and how I was felt the same; these thoughts circled in my head for more than hour; my head in the clouds. I can’t control my own thoughts and the more I try to control them; the worse they get; it’s hard to function this way. How can you have meaningful relationship with anyone when you are obsessed and over analyzing every interaction? How can you handle difficult situations when you are obsessing and spending more time thinking about the problem; than actually solving it. It’s exhausting to be in my brain at times and writing seems to be only place where I can get all these thoughts out. Whew that was a lot lol. Ok calming down. Another rant.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings,