Music: The refuge

Music the refuge, lost in a sea of slow piano notes, the beauty of it all, the trouble of the world around me disappears, transported to a far off world of peace and tranquility. On a boat above calming waters, with the light of the moon to guide me.
Entranced in these notes, feeling secure in the art of the distant past, self-expression through music, no words are needed, the keys speak for themselves, slowly drowning out tonight’s concerns as I close my eyes and soak it all in. Music, how I adore you.. ❤ 🎵

Facing the past

About ten years ago, I had just created a Facebook account and I only had a few friends ( about 10 or 15 people from work and that was it) and I rarely talked to them online. Suddenly I got a friend request from some people in my past and I hadn’t spoken to them in a very long time. I accepted the request and I found myself adding everyone I knew from my childhood and I realized, they weren’t kids anymore, they were adults with families of their own, living their own lives, it made sense logically but not emotionally, like I wanted them to be same as I left them all those years ago. I felt inadequate because I was still struggling with disabilities and mental health issues, I thought back to how I always compared myself negatively to them, the memories flooded backed.

I added people I knew from 12 steps and a lot them were people that I didn’t want to think about ( I had a terrible experience being there) but I added them because I curious to see how their lives turned out and maybe we could reconnect in a positive way. I could feel my anxiety rise and as I saw these long-forgotten faces, I thought to myself “Would they accept me? What would I say to them?” I knew that I had to come to terms with the past that I had tried to bury in my own mind, I wasn’t ready.

I felt scared in front of my computer, knots in my stomach, I got comments and messages from all these people asking how I was after such a long time, it may have meant little to them but it meant a whole lot to me, I actually felt my whole world crashing on me in instant. I messaged a woman I barely knew in 12 steps but she was happy to hear from me, I think she was a waitress somewhere close to where my grandparents had lived when I was a kid and I talked to another old friend who I had known in an alternative school that I later saw in 12 steps, he was about to get married and I remember him saying at the time that he known my brother ( maybe it was through 12 steps) but he was a good guy and a friend,

As I’m talking to all of these people from the past, I kept thinking “What have I done, I’m scared of them” I was listening to music, it was George Harrison, I just lay on the floor, feeling all these intense emotions coming back to the surface; buried feelings, feelings of fear, sadness, trauma, regret that I missed so much. But in that instant ( I didn’t realize it) I began to heal, I couldn’t run away anymore. I had to face my past, in order to move forward. Fear is not the answer, sometimes we gain strength in our most painful moments.

 

 

Evening music in the car seat ( memories)

I don’t know how old I am but I’m little, in the backseat of the car, my mom’s driving, it’s dusk and I’m looking out the window at the orange painted sky and those clouds, oh those clouds. We’re on 495 heading towards the airport, picking up dad. The Bee Gees are playing on the car radio, I think it’s “Night Fever”. I love this kind of music, it sounds like it was made in a faraway time in a different world. I let the music take me away and I’m lost with my head still staring out the window, the feet tapping to the beat.
We arrive at the airport and I’m awakened from my musical trance; elated, I run to my dad and give him a big hug, he’s wearing a Hawaiian t-shirt, he just came back from a business trip to Hawaii for the VA, I missed him, it was a long week without him. Music brings those memories to the surface. Circa 1987 ❤

 

Snowy day

It’s winter in 1992, I’m 9, there’s a snowstorm and I walk down to the creek which is frozen over, I’m on my own, I feel the sun warm my face but it’s still bitter cold, which is odd to me. I look over to the pool and ponder how only 4 months before, it was sunny and I could hear the kids jumping from the high dive from my backyard, now it was a snowy desolate wasteland, I shrugged my shoulders and crossed Braeburn to the other side, with my plastic sled in hand. The forest hill full, of snow was empty, where were the other kids? What does it matter, they don’t want to hang out with me with anyways. I put my headphones on and hit the play button, Pearl Jam’s “Ten” album. And I’m off sledding, trying to have fun even if I’m by myself. I sled down the hill with glee; “I oh I’m still alive” ringing in ears as I sled down the hill, the soundtrack to this cold and dreary day.

Sledding by yourself is boring but the music drowns out the loneliness, as I walk home, I’m saddened that I had to spend this snow day by myself but the promise of hot cocoa when I get home lifts my spirits and all is well again.

 

Kurt Cobain

Not only was Kurt Cobain a great musician but he was also a man who wasn’t afraid to show his sensitive side despite how others may have viewed him, he spoke in support for women when misogyny in rock was commonplace, he spoke out against homophobia in a still very homophobic society, he was someone I think who cared much about equality in a very sincere way, he didn’t run-up to the mic at an awards show and shout it but he quietly stated his views in interviews and he was very insightful. It’s shame he was so depressed that suicide was his only option, I admire him for courage and authenticity during his lifetime and he made it easier for men like to be open about my emotions and to show my emotional and feminine side without shame. I miss Kurt, he was incredible.

 

Listening to Bob for the first time.

When I was younger, I got a lot of my musical influences from my brother, he liked a lot of alternative and classic rock but one day when I was about 12, he had this cd of this guy with dreadlocks and the album was called “Legend” by Bob Marley. I didn’t know who Bob Marley was and I had never heard Reggae before. I borrowed it and put in my Discman to listen to at school, I fell in love with the music right away, I had never heard anything like it before but it was just so mellow and peaceful, relaxing music. I must have listened to that album on repeat for weeks, I didn’t have a lot of friends at school so I used my music as an escape, While they were playing kickball, I was in the corner listening to Bob Marley for the first time, way before those ever kids knew about him. Every time I hear that music, it brings back to that feeling of peacefulness during a chaotic time in my life, and my heart warms and I smile, it brings back some good memories; discovering music for the first time is magical at that age. 🎵 🎸

A funeral

I listened to the Unplugged in New York album over and over again, a last gasp, a funeral with flowers layed out, I searched for clues,,, all these years, I still don’t have an answer. 😥

 

Older girls

I didn’t know her well but she was cool and she was older and very grown up in my eyes, she was just beautiful to me, she had this exotic look with jet black hair, she had this confidence that older kids always have, when you’re 12 everyone older seems wiser. We used to talk about grunge bands like STP and Pearl Jam; I could talk about music for hours. But I had always Stone Temple Pilots rattling in my head at the time and when I ever hear some of those songs; that feeling and memory is sure to come back; even though those days are long gone. The past is just a faded memory… 1994 🎵

Big empty

I didn’t know her well but she was cool and she was older and very grown up in my eyes, she was just beautiful to me, she had this exotic look with jet black hair, she had this confidence that older kids always have, when you’re 12 everyone older seems wiser. We used to talk about grunge bands like STP and Pearl Jam; I could talk about music for hours. But I had always Stone Temple Pilots rattling in my head at the time and when I ever hear some of those songs; that feeling and memory is sure to come back; even though those days are long gone. The past is just a faded memory… 1994 🎵

The day I started writing

I felt rejected, my feelings on display and I just felt empty and hopeless, so I sat on a bench and just writing my feelings about her and everything else that had been on my mind for the past 14 years, I just wrote so much, I was in a frenzy. I had never written to sort out my feelings and it was cathartic. I sat that shopping mall parking lot and wrote for hours all while listening to music and although those writings are long gone, I will never forget that moment where I truly started writing for the first time.