People who care

I made a blog earlier about the difficulties I was having in school with my math course, I didn’t get the support I need and now I am so far behind that I can’t possible pass this course. I have no choice at the moment to withdraw; a part of me feels like failure even though everyone around me says that I did the best I could, a part of me feels stupid because I really wanted to pass this course. So I was volunteering the other day and during my lunch break, I was talking to some of the staff of the disabled ministry, I was telling them about my situation and they were appalled that I couldn’t receive the help I needed and how I just need to one class to pass and I’m being held back, and it’s important to note that I’m an honor student, so I am highly capable of making it through college.  The people I were talking asked me to bring my math notebook, so they can see the kind of math problems I’m dealing with. They offered to tutor me a little and get me up to speed for my next class, I was amazed. I was amazed that people would take the time to help me, someone they’ve only known for a few months.  I am going to take them up on their offer because I need all the help I can get.  I have been hurt so much by people in the past, it’s easy to forget that there are good people out there, people who care.   And tonight, I went to a dinner with the same disabled ministry and I saw the leader of the group who had been out town, she asked me about school and I told her how frustrated I was and how I am going to drop out. I told her I was going to school to speak with the disability counselor and she offered to go with me and advocate and I really think that would be a good idea. She Is known in the community, she’s a pretty tough lady in the sense that she would hold them accountable for not giving me the proper accommodations, she also cares about me and sees how passionate I am about helping the disabled, she knows how much I want this degree and how I will use to make a difference in people’s lives.  I am just so blessed because I know God is working in my life through this group and I know I’ll be ok


So, on another note I am also getting a lot of online support. I added a bunch of writers and mental health advocates to my Facebook page, I have over 3,000 friends on there. And since I use my social media for advocacy and network (in fact I have managed to give my link of my blog to several people and they loved it), it makes no difference whether I know them personally or not.  So since I have added all these people, I have had an influx of messages and comments and reactions, so much so that I can barely keep up, all of it positive, a lot of people are inspired by my writing which is really heartwarming to me that they are positively affected by it and I can tell how many people said that my writing has made a difference in their lives; that is an honor. On top the comments about my writing, I also talk a lot about mental health and gotten so much support, it’s overwhelming. I have several people who are life coaches’ message me, one woman offered to do a Facebook video call and I will do that very soon, another person invited to participate in mental health workshop online.

So, all these wonderful things are happening and it feels like mental health advocacy is a big part of my life and I am connecting with thousands of people and getting my message across, it is a feeling that indescribable to me.  Only about 1 year and half ago I felt totally isolated, I wasn’t writing or connected with anyone, I wasn’t open about my struggles and kept my feelings to myself.  I still can’t believe the responses I get, 50 ,60 comments a day, hundreds of likes, I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging, I just am amazed.  I like metaphors, it’s like a poor guy all of sudden winning the lottery. I was totally alone one minute and now I have all this attention and it’s hard to handle. I mean, I wanted it but I’m not used to it.   But like I said earlier, people care, for the first time in my life I feel like people are listening to what I have to say. As if my all pent-up feelings are being validated by so many people who feel the same way I do and can relate. I felt like I was the only one for all my life and now I realize I am not. I was put down all my life and now I receive more praise than I can handle.  How does one deal with all that sudden change? I don’t know. But that’s for this blog, I am happy to have a place to express all of their feelings. I thank all my followers for being so supportive and will keep everyone updated.


Thanks for listening



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I wanted to take this Sunday to talk a little bit about gratitude. Sometimes I complain       a lot and I focus on my struggles and forget about the many blessings I have in my life and even small things can blessings.  I was able to attend church today and also help assist with a special needs Sunday school where a young guy about 14 was there. He’s really cool; he loves arts and crafts and is very talkative; all around nice kid.  It is a blessing to be asked to be a part of that class; it gives me a reason to wake up on a Sunday morning; a sense of purpose. I work a long side a nice woman who one of the  leaders of the disabled ministry; I have known her for a few months and I am starting care about everyone involved in that group; they are wonderful people who have God in their hearts. The main theme for class this month is serving others; putting the needs of others above our own; which is something we all could learn.  I think God calls for all of us to help one another and today we also talked about the fact that God gives us all gifts that we can use to serve others.  Not only is this class helping this young man but it’s helping me.  We watched a short video about a guy who had a job stocking and everyone came to him with their problems because he listened and cared; he realized that was his gift that God had given him.   It was like God was speaking me and that moment and making me realize that MY gift as well.  I listen to what the young adults at the disabled ministry say; I speak them on their level; they can tell I care.  I empathize and care when I interact with my people on social media. I am not bragging but I can’t tell you how many people message me and want to talk about what’s going om and I listen and I don’t judge and I encourage them; I do it because it feels good to be there for other people.  I look at caring about others and being there for them as a gift and I can’t take the credit; God gave this to me. And I am grateful for the opportunity to be there for others in so many ways.  To be there is nothing that makes me happier than to that I can make difference in someone’s like by simply listening  or writing something that resonates with them.  Like I said earlier; I am not patting myself on the back but God gave me this unique ability to show empathy and I want to use it. For the longest time; I chose to hide my gifts; my sensitivity, my caring nature, being compassionate and now I am not afraid to show it. I don’t care if it make me seem to weak some people; I am going to be who I am.

After Sunday school I walked with everyone to service and sat with the disabled ministry; again so much to gratitude to be included. As the sermon was going and all of sudden I had another burst of gratitude; just the fact that I was able to attend church was a blessing in and of itself. I can’t tell you how many Sundays I worked; so depressed that I was missing church. I wanted to be a part of a church community and hear the word of God among all the church members and I couldn’t. I feel robbed of having that time with God. Sure, I could have watched the sermon online but it isn’t the same as being part of a church community.  So I looked up and thanked God for the ability to just sit in a pew and listen to a sermon; it’s the only upside to being unemployed. Most people take it for granted; going to church; but not me.  God is good and he is working in my life; I don’t have anything else but gratitude today.

Thanks for listening



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Serving others

I just wanted to make a short post about the disabled ministry. I know I talk them about them a lot but they have become an important part of my life and volunteering in this group has been a life changing experience for me. When I feeling down and worthless; I think of the fact that I making a difference in this world; simply by being kind and giving my time and heart to this group. I also am happy to meet fellow Christians who have Jesus in their lives who are kind and understanding and most importantly they don’t seem judgmental; they have welcomed with open arms when I felt so unwelcome in many other places.

Today my stomach was bothering me and I was volunteering but I decided to go home but I did help set up for this lunch that we serve for the community. While I was helping with the lunch; one of the young adults walked up to me and handed me a piece of paper and said “I colored this for you”.  It was a very sweet gesture and I was touched that she gave me that; it means that I am having an impact on them; that I mean something to the group. It may seem small to someone else but to me it’s a big deal to me. I mean, only do I impact them but they impact me as well. I feel God is giving me a purpose and I am grateful and blessed every time I am around them. The world is a cold place and not everyone is nice but I always feel needed when I am the ministry; that is important to me.  That’s all I have to say. I will end by saying the only way to help ourselves to help others. Find a way in your community to serve others and you’ll see how much your life will change for the better. Take care, friends




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Sunday school

Earlier this week; I was helping with the disabled ministry and I was asked by one of the leaders if I could help assist with a special needs Sunday school class. I was honored that they thought I’d be a good fit; it was also exactly what I needed to get of my depressive funk; I was really excited about it.  Well. my first Sunday school assisting was this morning at 9:30.  It was pretty easy; the church had set up the lesson and all we had to was follow the guide.  The class only had one person attending and he was young man about 14 years old; he was great. He kind of shy and quiet; a lot like I was at that age but very bright. He has some special needs and I am so glad there is a Sunday school that serves him; there is a class for children, teens and adults ( the same adults that participate in the disabled ministry); I will be assisting in the teen class.  We wrote some things on the dry erase board; the theme being serving others ( which is what church is about, right?)  We watched a video about Jesus washed the feet of his disciples during Passover and how Jesus expects us the wash the feet of others. It’s a metaphor of course for serving the needs of others.  Jesus wants us to put others before ourselves and that will make us great in his eyes; an important message.  We did some arts and crafts; which he loved.   I just feel so great right now and blessed to be able to assist and be there for those at church with special needs. I believe this is God’s calling for me.  Happy Sunday to all my followers; may God bless you today.


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Today was a better day

Yesterday I made a post on my blog and Facebook about the fact that I’ve been suffering from a pretty bad depressive state.  I had been doing pretty good and felt I had made a lot of progress but I slipped back in depression once I lost my job. And first off let me just say I am so amazed at all the supportive comments and message; unbelievable how many people care; it warms my heart; it makes me feel less alone and that its ok to express my pain so openly. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Anyways  last night I got a message from one of the leaders of the disabled ministry asking if I could volunteer today; I knew it was exactly what I needed to get out of my head. I just needed to get out of the house and around people and the ministry is perfect. I’m part of a caring group and my depression subsides when I am helping others; I feel I am useful and needed.  I really love this group; they are so kind to me and they always tell me how good I am with the disabled adults. I love being around them; they are a lot of fun and it gives me a chance to practice kindness, patience, love and I always grow in my faith as well. We have bible studies and pray before meals and it just a generally positive place and it helps me through my depression.


So today I volunteered; we had lunch and afterwards broke up into seminars; each little group doing their own thing. I was a part of a fitness group; we did about 30-minute workout with stretching, jumping jacks, a medicine ball; it was like being in gym class again; a lot of fun. And in all that time I didn’t think about my depression; I was just focused on trying to be a good volunteer; being patient with them and laughing with them; it was a good time.

After the volunteering I stopped to get a cup of coffee at this little coffee place in the downtown area; I love it.  It over looks the downtown; the coffee is great and it always filled with people; a perfect place to write. They have this little attic area and I found a cozy spot and just drank my coffee; I made a little vlog. As soon as I got up to leave; I saw one of the leaders walk up; he told me they were having a staff meeting. I didn’t want to intrude but he was like “No, you can stay”.   I was happy to sit and listen. They talked about a Christian conference they went to do and the message of Christ and how we can apply that to those that are developmentally disabled. They talked about ways of expanding the organization and improving the lives of the disabled adults we serve. I was really impressed and had no idea everything that went into how this ministry was run; it gave me a lot of insight. I was able to chime in with some ideas as well.   It was a blessing to be with them during this discussion.


I am one that doesn’t believe in coincidences and even though I am struggling; I know God is working in my life. I happened to be in that coffee shop for a reason; they just happened to be there right there as I was about to leave and sitting at the very table I was at. They could have sat down somewhere else and I would have missed them but it didn’t happen that way. For those who may not have faith; they may not get it; but it’s clear to me.  God is not subtle when he gives me signs. And this ministry is my calling; working with these young adults is something I am passionate about.  I take comfort in knowing God is taking care of me and giving me this opportunity to serve others.  I am just smiling right now and so grateful that I had a much better day today.


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Volunteering again

Today was such a great day; I started up volunteering again with the disabled ministry; after losing my job and feeling rejected I really needed this. As usual it went great; they were so happy to see me and I missed them so much.  I have written about it several times I love this ministry. The disabled ministry is a Christian organization through the church I attend.  They do bible study, do community works and go on trips; it such a wonderful organization.  On Thursdays they help serve lunch at church to those in community; it’s incredible. The volunteers and young adults all set up, prepare food and serve an average of 80-120 people; and it’s run very well.  So anyways I showed up and apparently they are taking a trip to Disney World; which makes me smile because I know they are going to have the time of their lives.  The young adults kept asking me why I couldn’t make the trip; it’s hard for them to understand that I have no money coming in and therefore no trip.  To be honest; it less about me and more about them having a good time.   It just made me smile to know they were so excited about this trip; they deserve to have fun. And they are some of the kindest sweetest people you are ever going to meet.  My main job is to help this young man dry dishes while he washes; we are a great team; we joke around a lot and just have fun; sometimes I just as unfocused as he is; which I guess is sort of a problem but I am working on getting us both on task. Overall this is really good for me and I have grown to care deeply for the young adults ( and their parents), the volunteers,  and the leaders; almost like an extended family.

We finished and I sat down to eat and sat by this woman who was a parent of one of the young adults who  says she likes to write; she’s really smart and wise and has a lot to say. Every time I see her; I ask her how writing is going and she gives me a big smile; I love it. Anyways I was talking to her mom about losing my job and how I was happy to be back. But I was also excited to be getting this scholarship to finish my degree. Then we started talking about writing and I was telling how therapeutic it was for me and how I’m connected with all these writers on my blog and Instagram.  She was telling me how important it was for me to tell my story because it gets other people to open up. And also when we write; we realize that others feel just as we do; we’re not alone; it was a lovely conversation; I usually don’t get a chance to have conversations that like much; which is an incentive to continue to be part of this group.   I just so feel so blessed right now to be back volunteering and giving my time to help others. I just wanted to share this joy with you today.

Thanks for listening,



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What I am listening to at this very moment

Sad news about my job

Well, the day before Christmas; one of my my supervisors ( the one gave me the review) at work called me in to talk to him. He informed me that they would no longer need me after the Christmas season and that I would be leaving at the end of the week. I kinda of expected it but I was a little upset that they chose the day after Christmas to tell me; it hurt.   But I did tell him that I had learning disabilities and I gave it my all because I really wanted to work there. He said he didn’t know that ( I am not sure if he couldn’t tell how much I struggled)  But he said I did a good job and I may get a call back to work there in March when there are more openings; so fingers crossed on that one.  I told a few co-workers about how I was being let go and they all said I was such a good worker and they were surprised.  One lady who was really kind hugged me and said “I’ll miss you sweetheart; I enjoyed working with you”; it felt nice to be appreciated. So I kind of was of moping to myself; feeling I was singled out and wondered what I was going to after this. I am trying to look at the bright side; this means I can go back to school and finish my degree and I can also spend more time with the disabled ministry.  I also planning on other volunteer opportunities while I look for another job. I also realized that I can write more and maybe attend some writing workshops that I could never make due to work. So yes, I’ll be alright; if I keep a positive attitude.  So while I was moping to myself one of my other co-workers who came in with me said she was also cut and then all of a sudden about 5 or 6 people said to me they were cut as well. I realized I wasn’t the only one and I felt less bad because they pretty much had cut everyone and  you know what, they all seemed to have a calm attitude about it.   I realized that everything was ok and not to worry.   Just wanted to update you guys; thank you for all support regarding the job; it means a lot


A year in review 2018

This has been such a wonderful year for me; a life changing year; really. I can’t even begin to describe or list all of the wonderful blessings I have had in 2018 but I am going to try. I started out the year still working at Sears and starting an internship related to my degree in developmental disabilities; it was actually kind of rough and I had doubts about my ability to work in the disability field; I had a lot of stress and anxiety and felt overworked with both my regular job and internship; I turned to only comfort I knew; prayer and my writing; I just had to go on faith that I’d get through this period in my life. I found myself turning to God more and more and growing in my faith; even if I couldn’t make it to church. And I was blessed to have so many caring and supportive friends on social media; it made such a huge difference; I really appreciated all the comments and messages from people. I felt I became a better writer as well ( and began calling myself one); I wrote blog post after blog post and it really helped me to cope with some of the anxiety I felt. My blog grew like crazy; it went from 300 or so followers to over 1200 followers in less than year; you don’t realize how grateful I am to ALL of my followers; just to know that people can relate to what I am saying; just vindicates all of these feelings I have had for years and I no longer feel as alone; this blog has been my saving grace. This is such a great community and not only did I connect with writers on my blog but my instagram has also grown and I connect with so many writers, mental health advocates, educators; its amazing. My social media feed is full of positive messages and I love interacting with people; it makes my day.

In 2018 I also was able to take a trip back to where I grew up; after not being there for 10 years. I left in 2008; feeling like I never wanted to go back home; too many painful memories. But I decided that I wanted to face the past and see my old friends; it was very emotional leading up to the trip; I was sort of reliving all of those memories and it hurt; and people around me didn’t understand it; so I kept it myself; I only expressed it through writing. I went back to DC in July of this year and stayed with a friend and I think a lot of the memories of the past came flooding back; I was gone for so long that I had forgotten what the area looked like and it was like being a tourist in my own city. But I did have a lot of fun; I saw many of my friends and family. They even had a welcome home party for me; which was crazy because all these people showed up and I just felt loved; to see those faces again was indescribable. I was happy but anxious at the same time; these are people I really care about and they all showed up to welcome me home; I think I was just overwhelmed; and I am already overwhelmed at social events to begin but it turned on out nice. I went back to my old church where I had spent a lot of time and I just broke down crying; thinking of all those memories; the good and the bad. It was painful but healing; I finally let go of all that pain and anger and sadness in a matter of minutes; it’s what I needed. And I feel God was watching over me the whole trip; comforting me. I will never forget that trip and I hope in 2019; I can come back again and hopefully it will be less emotional.

About 3 months; I finally had a Sunday off and I was able to attend church. They were talking about something called the Rainbow Ministry; which serves the needs of the developmental disabled in the community. I was impressed and I asked the pastor about it and he told me that he wanted me to be a part of this ministry. Before I knew it; I met with the leader and her daughter and we talked about volunteer opportunities. I helped with this lunch called “Feast with friends” which is where the young adults; make and serve lunch at the church; the crowd can be up to over 100 people on some days. I helped a young man dry dishes ( we make a great team by the way). I got to know all of the young adults and the volunteers and grew to care about them and I think they feel the same way about me. I started spending a lot of time with Rainbow; I went on a trip to the mountains with them and it was such a wonderful experience; I bonded with a lot of people. Again it helped grow in my faith in God and gave me a purpose; I no long felt as depressed or anxious. We have done activities at church and at the cabin in downtown Matthews; just a lot of fun. It was one of the biggest blessings of this year and it has changed me; I am different person because of this group and I only have God to thank for it. It also has given me more confidence that I can do well in the disability field; with the right guidance.

And lastly I recently just started a new job; my old job was closing it’s store and I had to scramble for a new job quick and by the grace of God; I found one and it has been so much better for me. I have about a 6 dollar raise, I am treated better; have better hours; am more productive and have so much pride in what I do. Yes, there are challenges but it wasn’t like at Sears where I got paid nothing, was treated terribly and it just made my anxiety and depression 10 times worse; I felt antagonized most of the time and I felt stagnant; I prayed for God to get me out of there and he delivered on that promise. I am so much happier in this new job and my confidence has increased; both as a worker and socially. It’s seasonal and I have anxiety about whether they will keep me or not but I leave it leave it God; it’s in his hands at this point. I work hard every day and can only do my best.

So yes, 2018 was a life changing year and sometimes I just sit back and I can’t believe all of the good things that have happened; it feels like a dream to me; like it’s not real. All the wonderful friends and people who have actually come to Charlotte to visit me. I get overwhelmed by the good things sometimes and I tell myself I have to take it a day at a time and learn to accept praise and love and to be easy on myself. I pray that in 2019; my life will continue to be good and I can grow as a person and hopefully help and inspire others; through my words and videos. Thank so much for all the support friends; you guys mean the world to me. Please take care of yourself in the year to come and I hope we continue to connect and support one another

Your friend,




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How do I reach out to them?

I went a Christmas party last night with the disabled ministry and it was so wonderful; I talked with many of the young adults and the volunteers and it was just a great time; it’s a really loving community and everyone I talked to agreed with me. At the same time social events make me extremely nervous; it was crowded and noisy and there was so many conversations going on at once; I just felt anxious at times.  So  if someone was trying to talk to me; I had to try to focus my attention on them and not on the activity of my surroundings; which is a very difficult task.  But overall I felt like I did a very good job at working on my social anxiety and putting myself out there and getting to know the people in this ministry more.

The young adults  I help out are developmentally disabled; some have autism or down syndrome; it ranges but a lot of them are very social; very extroverted; they love to talk and be around people and they are a lot of fun; they just enjoy themselves so much and are so loved by this ministry.  I am really happy to see how well they are doing in that respect. At the same time there are some young adults that are more withdrawn and less social; some barely talk and it’s hard to have a conversation with them; they are very quiet and shy; especially those with Autism.  And I can relate to that shyness since I am on the spectrum and I couldn’t help but wonder if they were uncomfortable in this setting; if they were feeling the same kind of anxiety I was feeling; getting lost in the conversation; feeling tired by all the noise; feeling left out and wishing they could be as social as some of the other young adults.

And my question to myself is how do I and we as anyone who works with the developmentally disabled; reach out to them.  A few months ago; we went on a mountain retreat and there was a young adult and she was quiet and I tried to engage her in conversation but her responses were short and abrupt but I still liked talking to her.  I noticed that she was an excellent artist; she could really draw and I was impressed. I thought she must have all these thoughts and feelings inside of her that she can’t express verbally but it comes out in art.   Another young adult is a little more social told me that she wrote and my ears perked up; I was excited about that. I told her I wrote as well and encouraged her strongly to keep writing and every time I see her; I ask her if she’s still writing and she cares around a little mini journal; I’m so proud of her.  So maybe that’s how I can personally can reach out to them.   Maybe I can bring out that creative side in those that are a little more withdrawn; it may be their only way of expressing themselves fully.   I hope someday to be able to work with these kinds of young adults full time because it is really rewarding. I told someone’s dad at the party that they help me more than I help them and he couldn’t agree more.  It’s a never ending journey but I will continue to find ways of reaching out to each young adult that I meet.  I am just so blessed beyond belief and being a part of this ministry; which is like an extended family; this has been the best Christmas gift I could have asked for.

Thanks for listening,


Learning to serve others ( An Update)

It’s been about a week or more since I’ve written; which is a lot for me; and I have been too tired and busy to write but I wanted to give you guys an update.  Things are going very well right now and I’m trying to stay positive even though sometimes I find myself depressed and anxious; working a job I hate and feeling lonely can be difficult but I feel there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am continuing my volunteer work with the disability ministry and it has been wonderful.  I really get along with both the young adult with disabilities and the volunteers running the organization; I can tell there is a lot of love there and people really care for one another; after working in such a negative environment; this is a welcome relief.  They paired me with a young adult with disabilities; he washes dishes; I dry. To be honest I have so much fun talking with this dude that it doesn’t feel at all like at work. Not only am I connecting with the volunteers and the young adults but also with other members of the church; this is perfect since I work Sundays and never make it to service; which is a real drag, you know.  To me people with disabilities are some of the kindest; least judgmental people I have ever been around; they’re easier to get along with than some non-disabled people; that is for sure. It doesn’t take much for them to be your friend; just be nice to them and treat with respect and they’ll accept you; you can’t say that about most people.  I feel God has placed this opportunity in my life and I’m running with this; it is such a positive thing for me when life has been so hard for the longest time.

I admit I can be a pretty self centered person; lost in my own thoughts and needs.  I can be self obsessive and I endlessly throw myself pity parties and complain about the things in life I can’t control but yet when I am helping others; I forget about myself after awhile and I feel a boost in my mood.  I love to make people smile and I smile in return. It’s nice to feel needed and be around people who want to make a difference; I am not getting a grade or a paycheck so there’s no pressure; I’m doing it out of the goodness of my heart and I think that is what God calls me to do.  This is the best cure for depression and certainly for chronic loneliness; to connect with others in a positive way; if only everyone knew about this; the world might be a better place.

We had a get together and to be honest; those kinds of things make me nervous. I’m never good around large groups of people; I get anxious and lost in all the noise and chatter around me. I am not the best at keeping up with conversations and I often feel ignored or misunderstood so I leave frustrated.  But for whatever reason this get together had about 30 or 40 people ( some I knew from the lunch crew) made me less anxious.  The lady who ran gave me a big hug and said ” I am so glad you could make it; it’s good to see you”; I felt really welcome unlike most social events.  And I was able to meet some of the other volunteers;; one guy was in the same program at college as me and he was telling how bad it had become and I explained my terrible experience at my internship and how this organization was much more positive; he agreed. It really is a difference from my internship where I didn’t feel welcome and all I saw was support workers bark orders at clients and treat me with disdain; this ministry is a world of difference. They had a huge house and we all had dinner and I got to know people; it was nice to talk to them. I was impressed about how much they cared for the young adults with disabilities; they weren’t clients but more like friends; even family I might say.  This is what I’ve been praying for all these years; something in the here and now I can focus on; instead of relics from the past. I walked out feeling really good and optimistic.

There is only one down side to all of this. I feel an almost high; an elation after working with this group but then I had to go back to work; which is negative and brooding; noisy; dirty and full of people who just don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves; reality. But all of it is jarring; two polar opposites; feeling incredible one night and going to work in the morning and feeling like nothing again; it makes me terribly depressed; hopeless even. I know I have to get a paycheck but does it have to be so damn difficult; why is it so negative and how do i cope because someday I feel like I am going to lose it.  I am holding to this group as the only positive thing I have going for me right now. It’s not much but it’s a start.

Thanks for listening



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