As i write this I am completely exhausted; I can barely see straight and it was a full 8 hour day on my feet; I am sore and I just want to go to bed. I work in a department store in a warehouse; it’s hot; full of allergens and horrible loud intrusive music that plays constantly 24/7 from anywhere in the store; it’s a very stressful environment and it causes a lot of anxiety. When I am anxious I try to find something to relieve anxiety and that usually comes in the form of checking my smartphone; particular social media. Anytime I feel bored or uncomfortable at work; I turn to Facebook; to check if someone had responded to a post or sent me a message; anything to escape the misery of my job. If you are saying to yourself I have posted this sort of blog before; you are right and I have; it is a work in progress. Anyways I become overly reliant on social media at work to give me a boost of happiness; to make me feel like people out there somewhere care because at work I feel worthless. So I am basing my whole self worth on the comments and likes on my little screen; it’s a horrible way to live your life.
I think it is quite dangerous to rely on other human beings for yourself worth; people are fallible. People are unpredictable and don’t always react in the way you expect; they may say one thing and think another; people may not always be here; relationships suffer, people move away and god forbid people pass away. I think it is important to practice seeing yourself as worthy because you are a child of God and the lord doesn’t make worthless children. Lately I have strayed away from praying daily and reading my bible; I think I suffer as a result of that; my anxiety and depression has been pretty bad lately; a lot of negative self talk; a lot of comparing myself to others and measuring how I feel about myself based on I think I am perceived. I have always turned to others for approval; failing to realizing that the only approval I need to be concerned with is God’s and myself. I have to look at myself and ask if I am the kind of person God wants me to be. Am I kind? Do I love others and have forgiveness in my heart or am I plagued with bitter feelings and a sharp tongue? Do I trust in God completely or do I rely on others to dictate my self worth? Am I writing this blog to praise God or is it to seek validation and praise for myself?
I feel that in moments where I feel alone ( I feel terribly lonely all the time) and my cries unheard; I know whether I pray or not or even if I’m doing God’s will; he is listening and waiting for me to ask for help. I decided to put out my read my bible and opened it to Psalms 22:4 I immediately had an emotional reaction to what I had read “Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and no one is here to help”. I feel like this all the time; so distant from God ( by my own actions); lost on my own and feeling in those moments at work; stuck in a noisy place; surrounded by negative people; sore muscles; racing thoughts; aching stomach; so tired and all I want to do is go home; I feel removed from God as if I walked into the building and he’s still in the parking lot. But I am coming to realize God is with me in those moments and I have to trust he will give me strength I need to make it through the day; whatever they throw at me; I can handle it because I trust in God. Is communication with my friends online good? Yes it’s incredible and I know God has placed them in my life so I can feel loved and love others. But at the same time; he doesn’t intend for communication to become compulsive or to rely on a stupid phone to make me feel good. I really don’t know how to make the situation at work any easier; have adhd doesn’t help either. But I can at least take comfort in knowing God is protecting to me and won’t let me fail if I put his trust in him. So while it’s important to trust people and have relationships with others; my relationship with God comes first. Without God I believe these people wouldn’t be in my life ( online or otherwise in the first place). I will try to do my part by praying every morning ( and if need be throughout the day), reading my bible daily and leave the rest to God.
When water is poured into the pot; it is cool to the touch; calm; unmoved; stagnant. As you turn the burner on; the pressure begins as the water is heated up. What once was cool and calm has now become warmer with steam rising to the air; the fan can prevent the steam from triggering the smoke alarm but the steam will continue to rise; whether you like it or not. As the water get hotter you can see the bubbles angrily dancing around in the pot; first one bubble than two; before you know it a whole dance troupe arrives as the pot begins to boil. The water becomes burning to the touch so you keep a safe distance and use a wooden spoon instead to stir the water. The water eventually reaches it’s boiling point and everything comes to the surface; spilling out of the pot onto the burner; onto the cabinets; down to the floor and burning everyone within distance. Once the water began to boil it became uncontrollable and you realize; this would have never happened if you had just lowered the heat on the burner but now you are faced with a mess to clean up. Note to self: Keep the burner on low
Taking the day off and getting some rest; lately things have been crazy and I haven’t been my best; I haven’t slept and I haven’t kept up with my taking caring myself; I’ve dealt with a lot of stress in a short period of time; been working long hours and not made a dime; it’s almost a crime. Been running from here to there all over town; I have been stressed and really down; a perpetual frown. I feel hurt and dismissed; kinda cranky and a little pissed; I feel like i missed so much because I’ve been so busy; I haven’t been able to focus on me. I’m just going to sit in this chair; not moving; not lifting a finger; total self care; I deserve it; I ain’t going anywhere today and you know what they say ” All work and no play…
As I stated earlier, I just finished up a very stressful internship that seemed to be never ending. I have to say that these last few months from the end of November to now has been some one of the most chaotic periods in my life. I work in retail and the holiday season was hectic; I was working 40-50 hours on my feet; sometimes closing and coming in early in the morning; which for my up and moods is just the worst thing that could happen; it was exhausting; not to mention the increase in customer traffic and orders; just absolute insanity. I was so caught up in working a full time schedule that it was difficult to attempt to return to school. Through working a full week; I had to find an agency to complete my internship at; sometimes I’d email the school and have to wait a full week or two for a reply; as time was dwindling. Or I’d contact the agency and they would take forever in responding; so i had to email and call ( while having a job where I couldn’t really make phone calls) until I finally got an answer. I finally was able to secure an internship and sign up for classes; it was stressful as and at times I felt like throwing in the towel; and accepting I was going to work in retail forever. I also didn’t have time to meet with a school counselor or find an agency that best suited me so I got whoever was going to accept me as an intern; if I had the luxury of shopping around I may have had a better experience. So after the Christmas season ended; I only had a week before school started and that was spent still working my regular job; so no Christmas break for me. While I saw all my friends take vacations and spend the holidays with their families; I was working my ass off while they sat by the fire drinking coffee and enjoying the festivities; I did have actual Christmas day off but I missed Christmas eve service because I had to work that day. Oh and to top it off I had come in early the day after Christmas; because of all the lovely customers who can’t go a day without shopping. Can you tell I love them? Anyways I started my internship literally after Christmas. At first I was relieved because I wouldn’t be working nights or doing turnarounds but I soon realized that I was working 6 days a week with a short day for school. I worked Mon, Thurs, Sat and Sun and did my internship Tues and Fri and went to class on Wednesday; I had never been that busy in my life. It felt like I was being pulled in a million different directions; playing different roles. Helping the disabled one day; on my feet for 8 hours in a warehouse the next; it was jarring and not to mention tiring. My sleep was way off; which isn’t great for the emotional state. My anxiety has been sky high and there’s a reason; I just haven’t had the rest I need and I think before you tell people that you have anxiety; you have to explain your circumstances. I’m not anxious because I’m sitting at home in my pajamas worrying how no one likes me. I’m running around like a crazy person; going from one end of the city to the other; everyday; feeling dismissed and unappreciated and feeling no one gives a shit; that’s why i’m anxious. I’m anxious because I haven’t sleep 8 hours in probably six months. I’m anxious because this is all new to me and I’m dealing with it on my own; having been rejected by a therapist who I trusted. So if my blogs seem erratic; it’s because I’m erratic but it’s over for the moment. I going to get some well deserved rest; I am to take care of myself; I am going to get back to praying and get back in touch with God; I am going back home to see my friends who I care about so much. So thank you to everyone has put with my crazy posts over the last few months; I did the best I could considering how difficult things were. I’m just glad it’s over and I get to calm state. Deep breaths…….
I don’t feel well in an emotional sense; one moment I seem to be okay; cautiously optimistic and the next in total despair and anxiety; it comes in waves. I don’t know know what’s going on anymore; i’m just going through the motions and the days seem like a blur, you know? I just feel overwhelmed; without the resources to deal with the stress and the pressure of being an adult. I feel trapped and I don’t have an answer; and the solution; well, what is the solution because I don’t know. Prayer and encouragement can only go so far and seeing a counselor seems to be best option at this point except for the next few weeks I am working either at my regular job or my internships every day of the week; full days. I don’t have time; there is just not enough fuckin time and I am so damn tired all the time. That’s the problem; I am overloaded with responsibilities; all these bottled up feelings I can’t cope with and the inability of handling all these emotions without going into a full blown anxiety attack. I just want to pack a suitcase and move to the Arctic and throw my phone and laptop into the ice river; so no one could ever find me. Pretty fucked up thoughts. And I have had breakdowns in the past and I can sense when one is coming on. I can’t afford a meltdown now; I just wish I knew how to take better care of myself. This isn’t a cry for help and I don’t want to be locked away somewhere; because it isn’t that serious but I am struggling. The semester ends in a few weeks and I am going to call a counselor then; I promised myself. I need someone to talk to; I don’t like having intrusive thoughts; I don’t like attention seeking. I just want to say I am hurting. My high days are really high and my low days are all the way to the ground; can’t I get some middle ground here?. As always thanks for listening and understanding
Even though I feel stressed at times and I am balancing full time work, class once a week and an internship, I am trying my best to be positive. I am frustrated though because since I have been working full time I haven’t had time or energy to really prepare for school. During the Christmas season I was working 50 hrs a week; getting off late at night and coming back in the morning. It really screwed up my whole routine and was the worst thing for my mental health. I wasn’t even sure if I could find the time or energy to sign up for school and get in contact with an agency to secure my internship. It’s miraculous I made it this far without having a nervous breakdown; it took a lot of praying and begging God for help. I also worked with a really toxic coworker who went as far to steal my things and did everything he could to sabotage my day so that was stressful as hell, trying to keep my cool so I wouldn’t lose my job. So I was dealing that @&%^$ and trying to keep up the busyness of working retail during Christmas. Fortunately everything worked out and I got signed for school and my internship, just in the nick of time. So I went to my first class last week and I just wasn’t mentally prepared at all. I was in work mode when I needed to be prepared for school. Not only wasn’t I prepared but I was saddened to find out that my counselor ( who was also the head of the department) had left and was replaced with someone I didn’t know and I didn’t feel comfortable with. I really liked my former counselor; he encouraged me and also pushed me to do my best. He always told me how great of a writer I was and he was just a likeable man. So I now have to deal with this change and I feel somewhat overwhelmed. I am asking for God’s guidance and leaning towards my online friends for support, luckily for me they are really helpful.
Then today I went to the internship to work for my first full day. I had worked there before for my first internship and again I wasn’t prepared. I was too busy working to really think about what I wanted out of this internship. It doesn’t help that I am not sleeping well because of this stress. At the internship we talked about creating goals to be achieved by the end of the semester. I was hoping I could man the front desk and then get some rest and sit at home ( where it’s quiet with no distractions) to really sit and think about what I want to achieve. I came to her with some ideas about setting boundaries and learning more about the agency and she said they needed to be more concrete. She said just find a place to sit and come up with some goals. For me when it is hard come up with ideas on the spot in a noisy place where the radio is on and people have loud conversations. It’s no one’s fault because this support center for the disabled but even so I couldn’t concentrate. I did come up with an idea for a class where the clients could create a journal where they share their feelings or use it to set goals for themselves, I think that’s a good idea. But anyways, I felt frustrated that I have didn’t have a way for preparing for going back to school. I now feel pulled in all sorts of different directions. It’s not like I’m some 20 year kid with a part time job that has all this time to call people and set appointments or to go to school and wait in line for 2 hours. I realize this about being an adult, but it is still tough especially when you’re dealing with mental health and physical problems to boot. I just need try to calm myself and take everything a day at a time. Things will work out, they always do. I just need to be patient