Usually when we talk about anxiety, we talk about it makes us feel but we also forget that sometimes our anxiety makes other people uncomfortable, they sense we are nervous and don’t know why, so they either think we are up to something or perplexed as to why we are so nervous when they are so calm. And of course for the anxious person, they pick up on their discomfort of the calmer person which only increases the anxiety, It’s a terrible thing, this anxiety. And to make matters worse, no one talks about anxiety openly, so we are left feeling alone (when we are not). Just my anxious thoughts a 1:45 am in the morning. 😕 😬
I live in this culture but I don’t feel a part of it, I feel totally disconnected, disjointed, on the outside looking in, Alienated, discarded like yesterdays trash. I speak but my words get twisted and spit out into fits of indifference. my screams go unheard by the masses, sipping on their brews on monotony, droning on with their useless character assassinations of one another, while the waiter looks on with disgust.
And I watch from a safe distance, alone, wanting to be a part of but at the same time silently judging them for they know not what they do, they hate and they hurt and they lie and it’s become second nature, like breathing or placing the fingers furiously on the keyboard, churning out the inner ramblings of a mad man who neither fits nor is joined in this circus we call a society.
I will continue to float alone but content in being my own man,at least for time being.
Thoughts swirl around my mind, I find my thinking racing at rapid speed, I need to meet a kind face in this place.
I scan the room and boom, I see someone, they turn and give me a smile, it takes a while for me to think of something to say, I know they don’t have all day and I’d be crushed if they walked away.
I open my mouth to speak, I’m trying to say the right words, a part of me wants to bolt for the door, if this keeps up, I’ll surely fall to the floor.
I try to talk but the words I can’t express, silence, clear is my distress.
What’s it all about? My inner voice begins to shout, this didn’t go as planned, I shrink to the ground, turning into sand, falling on the land.
And that was the end of me and the final chapter in my story, all that there was, with no glory.
Whether we realize it or not, we all wear masks, to protect us from the elements, to survive in harsh social environments. We mask our true emotions, our sadness, our hurts, the crippling rejections we face from time to time when we make the mistake of trying to connect with others.
Rejection stings like a thousand bees but we never show it, we carry on with fake plastic smiles, so others won’t feel uncomfortable with the pain we carry with us, a heavy knapsack of boulders; weighing us down but we can’t show weakness, so while we lay on the ground in sheer agony, we laugh it off to avoid the judgment of onlookers. No need for help, I’ll help myself. No need for medical attention, just leave me on the ground for a few more days and I’ll somehow manage to crawl back home.
Me, I have a mask and I wear it on occasion but most of the time I leave it at home, in a drawer somewhere. I forget my mask and all I can be is myself, I don’t have the luxury of hiding my pain for the benefit of others, what you see is what you get.
If life has given me joy, I might crack open a smile, giddy at the prospect of happiness, even if it’s short lived.
If negativity invades my space as it oftentimes does, a frown or an eye roll is sure to come. I don’t have a poker face, I can’t hide my emotions as easily as you, although I would like to at times, to be just like you.
I feel bitter because I want the happiness you so easily fake, if I had those skills maybe you’d like me more and want to be around me instead of avoiding the black cloud of emptiness that is my existence
I don’t know if this is me talking or the illness talking. I speak out of hurt and need to process all of this because the truth is fleeting, when your own mind decides to feed you lies and you believe every line, every damn time.
I have to tell you something, I have a bully. It seems like no matter where I am, he is always there to criticize and belittle me and doesn’t pass up an opportunity to make feel worthless.
When I’m doing well, he likes to remind of the mistakes I made in the past, he tells me no one likes me. He tells me I’ll never make friends and I have no worth whatsoever.
When I’m doing well, he likes sneer and say it won’t last and that I don’t deserve the good things in life and that any praise is just a veiled insult because no one anywhere is my friend, he says no one cares about me.
He tells me that I’m the only one who feels this way and it’s funny to him; that I feel alone. He says don’t tell anyone how you feel because they’ll just laugh. Remember the times you did share your feelings and they did laugh and ostracize you? Its going to happen again because you deserve it.
It hurts so much when he says all these things, I try to tell myself that he’s a bully and that everything he says is a lie but I always believe him. This bully hates me and wants to see fail and I have never found a way to stand up to him because he has always bullied me my whole life. The worst thing about that bully is that the bully is me.
Sometimes we think we are alone when are struggling but there are those right next to us dealing with the same exact issues.
I went to this social event; it was a dinner and I didn’t realize so many people would be in this house and immediately I got sensory overload and felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. I felt really self-conscious and after debating in my head, I left; feeling frustrated and just mentally drained.
I was going to go home but instead I just parked somewhere and made a video about social anxiety ( I won’t post it) and afterwards I felt a little better, I was able to get all of that pent up emotion out.
I decided to go back and have dinner there. One of the guys was there, I talk him to a lot and he is such a nice dude. I was telling him how I needed to get out of there and he was like “Oh yeah, I have the same thing and I am struggling with it now too” He told he had to find a quieter corner of the house because he anxious. He also kind of gave me ideas what he does when he has social anxiety, it was great!
I instantly felt so relived that I wasn’t the only one and as I was talking to him, I felt much calmer. I focused on talking to him and few other people and the anxiety got better.
It goes to show that we are never alone and its not always the right time to talk about anxiety but sometimes it helps to know someone else is dealing with it too. I hope someday to be able to handle large groups of people until then I was strategize and do the best I can.
I love you guys and am so happy I have a safe place here to talk about this and get so much support. Much love
Normal is boring; be real, be extraordinary, be genuine, be someone that sparks that most interesting conversations, be creative, imaginative, light up the room, don’t let them dim your light, be bright, speak truths and be a truth seeker, don’t downplay your intelligence to appease them, don’t waste your energy on anyone that can’t see what a bad ass you are. Be anything or anyone you want but never be normal, there’s enough of them to go around, be you, always