Disconnected

I think people are somewhat like a wifi connection. Sometimes there’s a connection and you’re satisfied and everything is running smoothly; other times there’s just no connection and no matter how hard you try and how much you’d wish for that connection to be there; it’s out of your hands. So all you can do is just accept for the moment that you can’t connect and hopefully, in time you’ll find other connections and be able to get your wifi back.

 

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When Jim met Susan

A story written in non-sequesters

 

No I’ll have my steak medium rare.

Does he know the truth. Have you told him?

I walked in 20 minutes late but no one seemed to notice.

I only turned my eyes for a second and the next thing I knew I was an ambulance.

Check please!

It’s not that funny?

What if they find out?

How far did you say this place was?

He knew what he was doing.

She hung up the phone unsure of the conversation that took place.

Just ask her. What do you have to lose?

The meeting is at 9 am sharp, tomorrow.

Honey, where are my keys?

I can’t believe he’s gone.

No Jim, I’m going to be busy Friday. Can we do a raincheck?

Any other questions?

You don’t believe who I saw Susan with last night.

Are you sure you don’t need a taxi?

How could you do this to me, to us? You son of a bitch?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Is this coffee fresh?

Your daughter was caught skipping school 3 days in a row, we are going to have to suspend her.

You are not going out with that boy, we’ve told you.

Jim was a good man.

And how many dependents do you have m’am?

Would like to come in for a cup of coffee?

This is your new secretary: Susan.

She’ll have the salad.

It’s a baby boy.

She has no idea, does she?

When’s daddy coming home?

Don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink?

Jim, I’m not sure about this.

Let’s skip algebra.

How am I going to explain this to my parents?

Here’s $300 dollars, it’s all I have.

They always sneak out during their lunch break.

It’s on orange ave.

How long did you think you could keep this a secret?

I got the job!

I know but at least he pays my rent.

So how honey how are things?

You are going to have to move out, Jim.

Mrs Henderson, this the Clark Count Sheriffs department.

Are you going to call this?

Are you going to meet us for happy hour tonight?

No, I can’t do it. I can’t go through with it.

Take the money.

Where is that waiter with my water.

Jim, have you payed the cable bill this month?

I won’t take your money.

Do you want to talk about it/

I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?

If don’t tell him, I will.

I’m sorry, we did everything we could.

I can’t eat all this food by myself.

They should have fixed these traffic lights years ago.

Sue, just talk to her, it’s been so long, she’ll forgive you.

I know I’ll be alone forever.

You’re hired, welcome aboard son.

I can’t even afford to feed my kids.

I know, I forgave you years ago, it’s ok.

Honey, I’m going out wit he guys tonight. I’ll be back around 10. I promise.

I hate my job but I can’t quit.

All I ever wanted was a family.

Where is he? Why hasn’t he called?

Sir, this is the paramedics, we’re taking you to the hospital.

Damn, she’s hot.

I can’t leave him, we’re catholic.

She’s your daughter, can’t you control her?

Are you ok to drive?

You think he’ll like this skirt.

Forgive me father for I have sinned. It’s been 8 years since my last confession.

He’s cute, he’d never talk to me, besides he’s married.

I haven’t worked since I left college.

We could go to new french restaurant, I hear it’s really good.

My dad is always in my business.

Timmy, is your father showing up for career day?

I’m sure of it.  I’m late. I just know, it. This the last thing I need.

Mark, can I borrow some money?

Divorce? Out of the question.

I’ll make the funeral arrangements.

Are you keeping it?

Mom, who’s my real father?

 

Pronounced dead at 3:26 am. Mercy Hospital.

Jim have you met Susan?

I saw you

It’s funny, the things you remember. A long time ago, I was at the movies with my friend, we’d go every Friday night. We were hanging after the movie, waiting for his dad to pick us up. I think I was about 17.

 

All of a sudden, I saw you standing there with your friends, I was intimidated because I didn’t know them and maybe knowing me would embarrass you, we didn’t run in the same circles. I called your name and you kind of laughed hard, like you weren’t sure of who I was. I remember you said something like “Oh hey man, it’s you” or something.

 

I realize you were totally gone and it was weird to me because I always saw you when you were straight and I didn’t know how to respond and I realized you weren’t going to remember me talking to you so I quickly went back to my friend.

 

Not sure why this memory came up. It was 20 years ago and irrelevant but as I write, I find this memories popping back up and I must make sense of them. The curse of being a writer, I guess. Why do memories and the past matter so much to me? And why can’t I look back without feeling the pains of sadness and a lump in my throat. And why do I remember things that other people have long forgotten?  It’s a mystery to me, I’ll never understand.

 

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The masks we wear

Whether we realize it or not, we all wear masks, to protect us from the elements, to survive in harsh social environments. We mask our true emotions, our sadness, our hurts, the crippling rejections we face from time to time when we make the mistake of trying to connect with others.

 

Rejection stings like a thousand bees but we never show it, we carry on with fake plastic smiles, so others won’t feel uncomfortable with the pain we carry with us, a heavy knapsack of boulders; weighing us down but we can’t show weakness, so while we lay on the ground in sheer agony, we laugh it off to avoid the judgment of onlookers. No need for help, I’ll help myself. No need for medical attention, just leave me on the ground for a few more days and I’ll somehow manage to crawl back home.

 

Me, I have a mask and I wear it on occasion but most of the time I leave it at home, in a drawer somewhere. I forget my mask and all I can be is myself, I don’t have the luxury of hiding my pain for the benefit of others, what you see is what you get.

 

If life has given me joy, I might crack open a smile, giddy at the prospect of happiness, even if it’s short lived.

 

If negativity invades my space as it oftentimes does, a frown or an eye roll is sure to come. I don’t have a poker face, I can’t hide my emotions as easily as you, although I would like to at times, to be just like you.

 

I feel bitter because I want the happiness you so easily fake, if I had those skills maybe you’d like me more and want to be around me instead of avoiding the black cloud of emptiness that is my existence

 

I don’t know if this is me talking or the illness talking. I speak out of hurt and need to process all of this because the truth is fleeting, when your own mind decides to feed you lies and you believe every line, every damn time.

 

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Honesty

I don’t think people want you to be honest because honesty is scary and they can’t always handle the truth, it makes people uncomfortable. Fuck it, I am who I am, whether people like it or not. I can’t be anything but honest, I can’t be fake, or plaster on a smile to appease the masses, can’t do it,. I’m transparent, my feelings on full display for the public and while some sneer, I smile silently because I know I have the courage to be honest, for the first time in my life, no longer living a lie, but an embodiment of truth in all of its ugly glory 👊

I just want you to listen

When I talk my struggles, I just want you to listen and to acknowledge  what I just said.  I am not asking for advice, a solution or for you to fix it, I just want you to listen. To validate the emotions involved what I’m because my feelings are valid.  If I want advice, I’ll ask for it, until then, I just need to talk and say whatever is on my mind. I’ll practice what I preach and do the same with you.  Sitting back and listening without judgement is one of the kindest you can do  for someone and it’s simple.  So next time someone tells you about a problem, you only have to do one thing and that is to listen without the need to save or fix them. Thanks

Dave

Today was a better day

I am now making it a priority to write in blog everyday because I really feel this is going to help me. Thank you everyone for all your support, sometimes I can come off bitter when I am struggling.  I think sometimes when I am depressed, I want help but at the same time I don’t, I just wanted to isolate myself and be left alone, it’s a strange paradox but I think a lot of people can relate.

Anyway I woke up today and decided that I would reactivate my social media since it had been a week and while it can be frustrating, I do find the support on there to be helpful at times.  I made a post about why I left and I got so many reactions and messages, I realize that people are just caught up in their own lives ( like they should be) and I am not the center of the universe.  My depression just makes me feel I am completely alone and no one cares when I know deep down inside that it’s a lie. On the contrary, people said they missed me and were concerned.  Since I post so much, a sudden silence, makes  people worried about what happened to me.  I want to help others and if I choose to stay silent about mental health that I am not helping anyone, in fact I am hurting myself by removing the support I need.  I think what hurt me the most was that someone messaged me about doing a suicide prevention live broadcast and they never got back to me. My brother took his life and his death anniversary is in less than a month, that really hurts.  I sent this person a smart message thanking them so much “for caring” and cut ties with them. Luckily I don’t know this person personally, so it isn’t much of a loss,  I don’t just like to be fucked  with when it comes to suicide prevention or mental health, I take it VERY seriously.   But I don’t want to let negative people disrupt positive reactions with others, I won’t throw the baby out with the bath water, you know.

I also was talking with a few people and decided to start a Facebook group that will discuss mental health advocacy, encourage others, talk about resources for help and maybe do some Facebook lives, I am really excited.  I am recruiting others that want to help me, those that have supported me on my mental health journey and I have already have 2 or 3 people that are willing to help, this is really exciting.  In fact if anyone is interested in joining my group, I’ll get you updated and post the link.

And I am so grateful and fortunate because while I say I don’t get much support, it’s not true.  Its the anxiety talking and it is such bullshit.  To be honest I think I get a lot more support than some others do probably because I’m willing to be so open and honest and share my life so publicly. There are so many others who are worse off than me, who reach out and receive no support, online or otherwise. It really hurts me to think about it.  I can’t tell you how many messages I’ve gotten from those suffering from depression that feel totally alone and have been told to snap out of it, I am lucky that no one has ever treated me that.  My perception about others see me is totally warped, so it’s all internal, it has nothing to do with anything people have said or done ( Beside a few, most people are really positive).  But I guess that’s depression, isn’t it?  And sometimes I may come off as ungrateful for the support I get, I am sorry.    I am just happy I have a place to share my feelings and I get feedback, not everyone has the ability to express themselves and be understood and when they do, they get no feedback and it’s heartbreaking.  I’m sort of rambling, so I’ll end it here.  Thank you

Dave