Some people swoop in, bat their eyelashes, with promises of fame and fortune, but the moment you stop playing their game, suddenly they’re out of reach, too busy for soneone as lowly as you, now you’re exiled on an island of doubt and confusion, waiting for a radio signal that has faded and will never return. 📻
I had a dream about you last night, I try in vain to get your attention but your face is cold; stoic, staring off any direction other than mine,
all I feel is hurt, if only you could look my way, but your gaze is fixed away from where I’m standing, it’s a familiar feeling I never quite got used to.
We’re in a classroom full of people trying to talk to me but I all I can do is focus on your indifference; seems like a waste of energy but you can’t control your dreams or your illogical feelings that come and go as they please.
Whatever you’re looking for, I hope you find it and I hope is that in a future dream our eyes we’ll meet and I can sleep a little bit longer that night, until then I tell myself to keep dreaming…
. 🛌 😴
I felt rejected, my feelings on display and I just felt empty and hopeless, so I sat on a bench and just writing my feelings about her and everything else that had been on my mind for the past 14 years, I just wrote so much, I was in a frenzy. I had never written to sort out my feelings and it was cathartic. I sat that shopping mall parking lot and wrote for hours all while listening to music and although those writings are long gone, I will never forget that moment where I truly started writing for the first time.
I think Christianity and God/Jesus gets a bad rap, a lot of people love to hate Christians, they paint them as overly pious, moralizing, judgmental of anyone who doesn’t fit their “version” of Christianity, they are intolerant of anyone who is different from them, they are hypocrites; preaching one thing and doing another; spouting love and compassion one minute and the next ignoring the new church member beside them looking for a friend in Christ, some Christians. I think these are the things that non-church goers feel and their observations aren’t far from the truth. I feel that way and I consider myself a Christian. Some of the most judgmental people I have met have claimed to Christians, it disheartening and very hurtful.
But here’s where I disagree with the kinds of people who make these statements; they equate God and Jesus with the actions of the church. God is love and accepting of all, God isn’t going to abandon or ignore you like some in the church. But because of the actions of those in the church, it turns many away from God. How can Jesus be love and compassion if these are his followers, that’s difficult for me and I struggle with it.
I have to separate God/Jesus from Church/Religion. You can have God in your life, be in prayer, read the bible, practice the principles of Christianity and never set foot in a church. They say community is vital, worship is necessary but what if you don’t feel accepted?. How can I reach God here when I all I feel is hurt and bitterness? I can forgive but it doesn’t negate the fact that I feel uncomfortable in church settings because I know I’m being judged. I attend church begrudgingly and it sucks up my energy. Instead of making me feel closer to God, I feel further away, as far as I’m concerned he’s somewhere outside in the parking lot.
I don’t think I’ve ever truly, felt welcome at church, well maybe as a kid but not as an adult. I feel coldness and indifference, I feel no one really takes the time to know because they’ve developed their “holy cliques”. It’s like George Carlin used to say “They’re in the club and you ain’t in it”. That’s how I feel, out of place, misunderstood, ignored and people don’t want to know you because they’ve already pegged you as someone they don’t want to talk to, so you stand in the corner as people pass you by like you don’t even exist. Sigh, I wonder how many people have left church or never found God because they felt so unwelcome among these so called accepting Christians. And it’s all because of how we treat each other.
I personally find God in nature by myself, through the conversations I have with others, through miraculous things that defy explanation, through writing/art/music, through prayer, reading the bible and the love of my family but never in the church. But don’t think I’m not a Christian or don’t have God is my life. I love God but I struggle with his children, they’re the problem.
I don’t why rejection affects me deeply. I spend a lot of time on social media and I communicate with a lot of people from the past, people I grew up with, people who know my family and were friends with my brother. I checked my feed today and saw a post from the friend I stayed with when I came back home. She had a reunion with our old friends ( all of whom grew up with me and were there when my brother died) One of the person in the photos is someone who I knew for as long as I can remember, she was really good friends with my brother and cared about him. Well about a year ago, I made multiple attempts to add her to facebook, including sending her messages with no avail, she ignored them all. She added me on instagram but I am not sure if she realized who I was since I didn’t use my name and she never communicated with me. I was really hurt and felt rejected. I even saw her parents online and my requests from them were also ignored. man, did that hurt. Like the whole family doesn’t care about me. And I can see she is pretty much friends with everyone else in our group and I can see that she makes trips to see them and whatnot. I try to realize everyone has choices and doesn’t have to add someone that they don’t want to talk but it doesn’t hurt any less. I wonder if I serve as a reminded to her of something painful she doesn’t want to think about. But whenever I see a photo with her and a mutual friend or an interaction, it really stings. We weren’t great friends but I knew her all my childhood up until I graduated high and she hates me. I want to communicate with people from the past, it helps, I need their support and I get rejected. I wish it didn’t bother me so much but it does.
So right now I am really struggling, no I’m falling apart actually. I haven’t worked in months, I had to drop out of the one class that is keeping me from graduating from college and I feel unmotivated and hopeless. I haven’t been this consistently depressed in quite a long time, it reminds me of the days when I used to stay up all night and sleep all day because I was totally manic. And to make matters worse, aside from my family, I have very little support, no friends, no one to call, no one to hang with except for the disabled ministry and I like being around them but it’s not a social group per se, although I had lunch with one of the disabled adults and his mom earlier this week and it was nice, it brightened my day. That being said I am still struggling and I have been writing less and I just don’t feel right.
Its almost 2 am and I am up and I went to the only place I know gives me comfort, my blog. And even that feels like has dropped in terms of likes or comments, maybe it’s because I haven’t been active. But it sucks and it leads me to my next point. Last week I grew increasingly frustrated with trying to seek mental health support through social media. I had added all of these people and for the first few days I was getting tons of support and messages and it felt like I had finally been understood and I was discussing mental health advocacy and doing FB lives and getting praise left and right, it was an amazing feeling. About a week later, my reactions dropped from about 150 likes on a few posts to 15 to 20, considering I have 4500 friends, that is ridiculous because I am trying to advocate for mental health and no one is listening. I grew bitter and anxious so I deactivated all of my social media accounts. It has been a week now and I thought I would feel better but I feel worse. Yes, I was addicted to social media like most people but here’s the thing, it seems to be my only source of support from peers. And I used it because in real life I’m not connected to anyone and for first time in my life I felt like somebody, you know. And within days that was taken away from me. I don’t if it’s because Facebook is terrible or people just stopped paying attention to what I had to say, but it hurt so I left.
The one thing I have noticed since I left is that I am fuckin lonely and totally isolated, aside from talking to my parents and the disabled ministry, using social media was an escape and it masked the fact that at the end of the day I was completely alone and that in real life, most people don’t care. And yeah, I feel bitter and sad. I even thought about taking a break from blogging but I think I need it right now. I need to get my feelings out somehow. Loneliness encompasses me on some days and I didn’t notice it because I have done everything I can not to think about it. And I have a feeling this post, much like my posts on facebook, will be ignored as well because it’s too damn long and no one ever takes the time to really and comprehend what I have to say. It is what it is. I just need to get off this my chest. If you did read it and can relate, leave a comment or something so I know you’re here and you’re listening otherwise move on to the next post like you usually do.
Wherever you are these days and whatever you’re doing, I wonder if you ever stop and think of me, even if just for a millisecond. Am I worth the rent in your head or did you evict my memory years ago?. If i’m not worth the rent then why do I lease you an empty space in my head? I’m holding onto the lease when you’ve already moved across town. In fact, if I really think about it, you never lived in this building, to begin with, it was wishful thinking on my part. I’m sorry, I bothered you, go back to whatever you were doing.. Have a good day
I wanted to share another dream I had. It’s a reoccurring dream involving my previous employment at Costco; I have had at least 3 dreams revolving them. In this dream I was in the back parking lot of Costco, talking to a girl who I didn’t recognize. I was telling her that I was going to apply again for the job. You see, I was seasonal at Costco and they let me go after the Christmas season. I was told to apply again in March when they had more openings. Anyways, she said told me that she could talk to one of the managers about it. Next thing I know, he’s asking me if I could work the night shift from around 11 pm to 6 am. There was some confusion. One person was saying it was until 6 am and the other it was saying until 2 am, I was trying to clarify it and unable to get answers. I remember feeling concerned because I wasn’t prepared to work and certainly not to work all night long. The manager was saying I was going to do chemical clean up or something; I was handed a smock and a broom. The guy training me was the guy who trained me at the bakery in Costco. Sometime during the night, I saw this girl I used to like from a few years back, , she was training too and the girl who I asked out before I left ( It didn’t work out) was also there, she didn’t say anything. That’s all I can remember but it certainly was quite a dream
All these years, It still haunts me and it crosses my mind more than it should. Being the butt of jokes; wishing I could keep my mouth shut; wanted to fix it but digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole of despair as I sat there; my feelings in full view; a sitting duck; with snipers all around me; all waiting to take their shot at me. And every time I get those feelings again; I think of that moment and I recoil; trembling in fear; a dog with a tail between it’s legs. I only blame myself. Why did I feel so deeply? Why did it hurt so bad. And why don’t I have an answer. An unresolved maze of a mystery; after all these years.
Mike walked by Cindy’s locker and she didn’t notice him; she was talking to her friend and then he overheard her say “I know, I couldn’t help telling people; it was so funny. Like he was so nervous and he thinks I’m going out with him?” I have to come up with some excuse; like I’m sick or something” said Cindy. Her friend replied “You didn’t tell Derek, did you” Cindy laughed loudly “Oh, he’s the first one I told. I thought he’d be angry but he thought it was hilarious” Mike couldn’t stand it anymore and walked in the other direction. He went to the corner to cry; his heart was broken in a million pieces and he hated crying but he was so overcome with emotions. At that moment a few boys saw him in the corner crying. One kid motioned to his friend “Hey guys, Mike’s crying. Check it out” Another kid said “dude what a loser, is this about Cindy Peterson. I heard about that, it’s hilarious. I guess she told you, huh? Everyone in school knows” People started laughing. Mike wiping a tear from his eye yelled Go to hell!! Get out of my face” Cindy overheard it while walking by; she shook her head and exclaimed loudly “Oh,, wow” laughing with her friends. After that even into adulthood Mike carried a fear of women he liked; this moment ended up to be a catalyst to an irrational fear of women. And maybe that’s why he feared when women got too close; he had replayed that humiliation over and over again for many years after that. The irony is after his memory loss; he became a man more comfortable around women; in fact, he was surrounded by three women that genuinely liked him; who weren’t going to hurt or humiliate him. But he felt nervous and didn’t know why; his memory was gone but the feelings remained.