I dreamed of you

I had a dream about you last night, I try in vain to get your attention but your face is cold; stoic, staring off any direction other than mine,

all I feel is hurt, if only you could look my way, but your gaze is fixed away from where I’m standing, it’s a familiar feeling I never quite got used to.

We’re in a classroom full of people trying to talk to me but I all I can do is focus on your indifference; seems like a waste of energy but you can’t control your dreams or your illogical feelings that come and go as they please.

Whatever you’re looking for, I hope you find it and I hope is that in a future dream our eyes we’ll meet and I can sleep a little bit longer that night, until then I tell myself to keep dreaming…

🛌 😴

The day I started writing

I felt rejected, my feelings on display and I just felt empty and hopeless, so I sat on a bench and just writing my feelings about her and everything else that had been on my mind for the past 14 years, I just wrote so much, I was in a frenzy. I had never written to sort out my feelings and it was cathartic. I sat that shopping mall parking lot and wrote for hours all while listening to music and although those writings are long gone, I will never forget that moment where I truly started writing for the first time.

God isn’t the problem, the church is

I think Christianity and God/Jesus gets a bad rap, a lot of people love to hate Christians, they paint them as overly pious, moralizing, judgmental of anyone who doesn’t fit their “version” of Christianity, they are intolerant of anyone who is different from them, they are hypocrites; preaching one thing and doing another; spouting love and compassion one minute and the next ignoring the new church member beside them looking for a friend in Christ, some Christians. I think these are the things that non-church goers feel and their observations aren’t far from the truth. I feel that way and I consider myself a Christian. Some of the most judgmental people I have met have claimed to Christians, it disheartening and very hurtful.

But here’s where I disagree with the kinds of people who make these statements; they equate God and Jesus with the actions of the church. God is love and accepting of all, God isn’t going to abandon or ignore you like some in the church. But because of the actions of those in the church, it turns many away from God. How can Jesus be love and compassion if these are his followers, that’s difficult for me and I struggle with it.

I have to separate God/Jesus from Church/Religion. You can have God in your life, be in prayer, read the bible, practice the principles of Christianity and never set foot in a church. They say community is vital, worship is necessary but what if you don’t feel accepted?. How can I reach God here when I all I feel is hurt and bitterness? I can forgive but it doesn’t negate the fact that I feel uncomfortable in church settings because I know I’m being judged. I attend church begrudgingly and it sucks up my energy. Instead of making me feel closer to God, I feel further away, as far as I’m concerned he’s somewhere outside in the parking lot.

I don’t think I’ve ever truly, felt welcome at church, well maybe as a kid but not as an adult. I feel coldness and indifference, I feel no one really takes the time to know because they’ve developed their “holy cliques”. It’s like George Carlin used to say “They’re in the club and you ain’t in it”. That’s how I feel, out of place, misunderstood, ignored and people don’t want to know you because they’ve already pegged you as someone they don’t want to talk to, so you stand in the corner as people pass you by like you don’t even exist. Sigh, I wonder how many people have left church or never found God because they felt so unwelcome among these so called accepting Christians. And it’s all because of how we treat each other.

I personally find God in nature by myself, through the conversations I have with others, through miraculous things that defy explanation, through writing/art/music, through prayer, reading the bible and the love of my family but never in the church. But don’t think I’m not a Christian or don’t have God is my life. I love God but I struggle with his children, they’re the problem.

 

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Feeling rejected

I don’t why rejection affects me deeply.  I spend a lot of time on social media and I communicate with a lot of people from the past, people I grew up with, people who know my family and were friends with my brother.  I checked my feed today and saw a post from the friend I stayed with when I came back home. She had a reunion with our old friends ( all of whom grew up with me and were there when my brother died)   One of the person in the photos is someone who I knew for as long as I can remember, she was really good friends with my brother and cared about him.  Well about a year ago, I made multiple attempts to add her to facebook, including sending her messages with no avail, she ignored them all. She added me on instagram but I am not sure if she realized who I was since I didn’t use my name and she never communicated with me. I was really hurt and felt rejected. I even saw her parents online and my requests from them were also ignored. man, did that hurt.  Like the whole family doesn’t care about me. And I can see she is pretty much friends with everyone else in our group and I can see that she makes trips to see them and whatnot.  I try to realize everyone has choices and doesn’t have to add someone that they don’t want to talk but it doesn’t hurt any less. I wonder if I serve as a reminded to her of something painful she doesn’t want to think about. But whenever I see a photo with her and a mutual friend or an interaction, it really stings. We weren’t great friends but I knew her all my childhood up until I graduated high and she hates me. I want to communicate with people from the past, it helps, I need their support and I get rejected. I wish it didn’t bother me so much but it does.

I’m struggling

So right now I am really struggling, no I’m falling apart actually.  I haven’t worked in months, I had to drop out of the one class that is keeping me from graduating from college and I feel unmotivated and hopeless. I haven’t been this consistently depressed in quite a long time, it reminds me of the days when I used to stay up all night and sleep all day because I was totally manic.  And to make matters worse, aside from my family, I have very little support, no friends, no one to call, no one to hang with except for the disabled ministry and I like being around them but it’s not a social group per se, although I had lunch with one of the disabled adults and his mom earlier this week and it was nice, it brightened my day. That being said I am still struggling and I have been writing less and I just don’t feel right.

Its almost 2 am and I am up and I went to the only place I know gives me comfort, my blog.  And even that feels like has dropped in terms of likes or comments, maybe it’s because I haven’t been active. But it sucks and it leads me to my next point. Last week I grew increasingly frustrated with trying to seek mental health support through social media.  I had added all of these people and for the first few days I was getting tons of support and messages and it felt like I had finally been understood and I was discussing mental health advocacy and doing FB lives and getting praise left and right, it was an amazing feeling. About a week later, my reactions dropped from about 150 likes on a few posts to 15 to 20, considering I have 4500 friends, that is ridiculous because I am trying to advocate for mental health and no one is listening.  I grew bitter and anxious so I deactivated all of my social media accounts. It has been a week now and I thought I would feel better but I feel worse. Yes, I was addicted to social media like most people but here’s the thing, it seems to be my only source of support from peers. And I used it because in real life I’m not connected to anyone and for first time in my life I felt like somebody, you know. And within days that was taken away from me.  I don’t if it’s because Facebook is terrible or people just stopped paying attention to what I had to say, but it hurt so I left.

The one thing I have noticed since I left is that I am fuckin lonely and totally isolated, aside from talking to my parents and the disabled ministry, using social media was an escape and it masked the fact that at the end of the day I was completely alone and that in real life, most people don’t care. And yeah, I feel bitter and sad. I even thought about taking a break from blogging but I think I need it right now. I need to get my feelings out somehow. Loneliness encompasses me on some days and I didn’t notice it because I have done everything I can not to think about it.  And I have a feeling this post, much like my posts on facebook, will be ignored as well because it’s too damn long and no one ever takes the time to really and comprehend what I have to say. It is what it is. I just need to get off this my chest. If you did read it and can relate, leave a comment or something so I know you’re here and you’re listening otherwise move on to the next post like you usually do.

Thanks,

Dave

 

 

 

Do you ever think of me?

Wherever you are these days and whatever you’re doing, I wonder if you ever stop and think of me, even if just for a millisecond. Am I worth the rent in your head or did you evict my memory years ago?. If i’m not worth the rent then why do I lease you an empty space in my head? I’m holding onto the lease when you’ve already moved across town. In fact, if I really think about it, you never lived in this building, to begin with, it was wishful thinking on my part. I’m sorry, I bothered you, go back to whatever you were doing.. Have a good day 

Dream #8

I wanted to share another dream I had. It’s a reoccurring dream involving my previous employment at Costco; I have had at least 3 dreams revolving them.  In this dream I was in the back parking lot of Costco, talking to a girl who I didn’t recognize. I was telling her that I was going to apply again for the job.  You see, I was seasonal at Costco and they let me go after the Christmas season. I was told to apply again in March when they had more openings.  Anyways, she said told me that she could talk to one of the managers about it. Next thing I know, he’s asking me if I could work the night shift from around 11 pm to 6 am.  There was some confusion. One person was saying it was until 6 am and the other it was saying until 2 am, I was trying to clarify it and unable to get answers. I remember feeling concerned because I wasn’t prepared to work and certainly not to work all night long.  The manager was saying I was going to do chemical clean up or something; I was handed a smock and a broom.  The guy training me was the guy who trained me at the bakery in Costco.  Sometime during the night, I saw this girl I used to like from a few years back, , she was training too and the girl who I asked out before I left ( It didn’t work out) was also there, she didn’t say anything. That’s all I can remember but it certainly was quite a dream

 

 

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A valentine’s day poem

All these years, It still haunts me and it crosses my mind more than it should.  Being the butt of jokes; wishing I could keep my mouth shut; wanted to fix it but digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole of despair as I sat there; my feelings in full view; a sitting duck; with snipers all around me; all waiting to take their shot at me. And every time I get those feelings again; I think of that moment and I recoil; trembling in fear; a dog with a tail between it’s legs. I only blame myself. Why did I feel so deeply? Why did it hurt so bad. And why don’t I have an answer. An unresolved maze of a mystery; after all these years.

Cindy

Mike walked by Cindy’s locker and she didn’t notice him; she was talking to her friend and then he overheard her say “I know, I couldn’t help telling people; it was so funny. Like he was so nervous and he thinks I’m going out with him?” I have to come up with some excuse; like I’m sick or something” said Cindy. Her friend replied “You didn’t tell Derek, did you” Cindy laughed loudly “Oh, he’s the first one I told. I thought he’d be angry but he thought it was hilarious” Mike couldn’t stand it anymore and walked in the other direction. He went to the corner to cry; his heart was broken in a million pieces and he hated crying but he was so overcome with emotions. At that moment a few boys saw him in the corner crying. One kid motioned to his friend “Hey guys, Mike’s crying. Check it out” Another kid said “dude what a loser, is this about Cindy Peterson. I heard about that, it’s hilarious. I guess she told you, huh? Everyone in school knows” People started laughing. Mike wiping a tear from his eye yelled Go to hell!! Get out of my face” Cindy overheard it while walking by; she shook her head and exclaimed loudly “Oh,, wow” laughing with her friends. After that even into adulthood Mike carried a fear of women he liked; this moment ended up to be a catalyst to an irrational fear of women. And maybe that’s why he feared when women got too close; he had replayed that humiliation over and over again for many years after that. The irony is after his memory loss; he became a man more comfortable around women; in fact, he was surrounded by three women that genuinely liked him; who weren’t going to hurt or humiliate him. But he felt nervous and didn’t know why; his memory was gone but the feelings remained.

 

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Mystery train part 10

Deborah came home to her husband; who was overcome with worry; he was sitting in an easy chair just tapping his fingers; with his phone by his side; just waiting for the phone to ring with the news that Dave was safe as well.  She felt guilty because she had been off to meet a male friend that Alex was unaware of. He was less of a friend and more of an ex- lover she had met in college. He called her a few weeks back and wanted to catch up; she still cared for him a great deal and wanted to see him but she was married to Alex now and it didn’t seem right to meet with him. “And yet I was going to meet with him anyway” she thought.  She realized that she was too focused on this and needed to tend to the needs of her husband and the search for Dave. She put those thoughts out of her mind for the time being.  Deborah said to her husband “Honey, I am so sorry; this is so awful; surely by this time I would have thought we would have heard something” Alex replied “I know, I just don’t know what to do; I haven’t moved from this chair since I called you but I know we have to find Dave” “So you talked to Dave’s family?” asked Deborah.  “Yes, I spoke on the phone with his parents and I guess they have already made a missing person’s report” “I was hoping it wouldn’t have come to this, but please, let’s stay positive, I’m sure we’ll find Dave and he’ll be ok” said Deborah ‘You’re right, well, maybe it’s a good idea if we search for Dave in the city” said Alex.  Deborah nodded her head in agreement.  Alex and Deborah spent the day driving down Seattle streets; searching for Dave with no avail; they spent hours seeing thousands of faces and none of them were Dave’s. They even drove past Melanie and Susan’s house but Dave was in the backyard smoking a cigarette while Susan shared with him some of her poetry; Alex and Deborah were so close and they had no idea.  Alex said to Deborah “You know maybe Dave isn’t even in the city; maybe someone took him somewhere; kidnapped; I mean, maybe he’s dead somewhere; killed by some maniac”.  “Alex., why the hell would you say that?”  exclaimed Deborah.  “We are trying to stay positive, remember?” she added.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you” said Alex.   “Do you think it’s possible that he may have amnesia or something; I once saw this unsolved mystery episode and…”   Deborah interrupted him “That seems farfetched don’t you think?”  “I guess it is” replied Alex.  Right at that moment; Alex’s phone rang; it was Dave’s parents. He stopped the car and park right in front of the house where Dave was staying.  Alex picked up and it was Harold; Dave’s father.   “Hi Alex, I just wanted to let you know that we did file the missing persons report and the police in your area have been informed; they will be mobilizing soon and will start searching the area for Dave” “Wow” replied Alex. He added “I am really worried; I pray we will find him safe” “Of course” replied Harold.  “I have to go now but I just wanted to give you an update, we’ll call when we get more information” said Harold.   Alex said “Thanks for the calls, I will be on the lookout for Dave and you will continue to be in my prayers, take care.  “You too” replied Harold

 

Harold hung up the phone and put his arm around his crying wife.  “I’m really scared, our Dave!” said Margery through tears.  Harold held his wife tighter “I know, I know. We’ll find him, I’m sure of it” He hated seeing her so upset and wanted to cry himself but he needed to hold himself together for the sake of the rest of the family. A few moments later, Betty walked in with her husband and two kids, a boy and a girl; aged 9 and 6.  Betty gave her mom a big hug and they both cried; it has been a long night and Betty stated she hadn’t slept. Her husband seemed quiet as usual; going to the kitchen for a glass of water and to pet the family dog; he wasn’t good with emotional scenes like these; he cared; he just couldn’t express it. Betty sat down for awhile with her parents and tried to compose herself. She said to her father “I think we should tell the kids, what do you think?”  Harold replied “Honey, you do what you think is right” Betty motioned to her Husband Mark who was still in the kitchen; petting the dog. He sat next to her and she asked “Mark, I think the kids should know about their Uncle” Mark replied “Do you think they need to know, I don’t want to worry them” Betty said “Honey, they should know, I mean, they can see we are all upset and are probably confused” “Fine” Mark said.  Mark said nothing and walked back to the kitchen.  Betty hung her head down with a sad look. Betty and Mark’s relationship had been strained for some time and she was beyond hurt about Mark’s lack of response and inability to meet her emotional needs during this time. “I mean, my brother is missing for Christ’s sake and he could give a damn” she thought.  It made her parents so sad to see how Mark treated Betty. He had seemed so nice at first and now they could see this other side and it hurt to see their daughter treated this way but at that moment they had keep their thoughts on Dave.

 

Betty called her kids to the couch; Michael and Lisa.  “Michael, Lisa, can come sit on the couch with me and Grandma and Grandpa?”  They were busy watching tv but they jumped up and sat on the couch.  Betty said “I need to talk to you guys” “Are we in trouble?” asked Michael.  “Of course, not” replied Betty.  Lisa asked “Is It about Uncle Dave”  Betty looked confused and replied “Yes, it is, how did you know”  Lisa said “Well I heard you and daddy talking about him in the kitchen last night but I didn’t know what it was about”  Betty said to her daughter “Well, honey you shouldn’t listen to other people’s conversation, we talked about that ,remember?”  “Yes, I remember” said Lisa; rolling her eyes” Betty stated “Well your Uncle went on a trip to see a friend and no one can find him, He didn’t arrive to where he supposed to be and he hasn’t called us” “Uncle Dave is missing!?” exclaimed Michael.  “Yes, honey” Betty replied.  “And you know how much we love him, right” she added.  “Yes” the children added in unison.  “Well, Grandma and Grandpa and I went to the police station to let them know Uncle Dave was missing.  They are going to help us look for him, ok>” said Betty.  The kids look concerned and Lisa hugged her mom; now she was crying.  “It’s ok, honey” Betty said as she comforted her daughter. “We will find him safe and sound, ok/” added Betty. Lisa nodded her head.  Michael added “Don’t worry mommy, I’ll be strong for you, just like daddy is, he doesn’t cry” She looked to see her husband all alone in the kitchen; with a cold look on his face; not even being there for his children when they were upset.  “Yes, he doesn’t cry or show any emotion; even during times like these, and maybe that’s the problem” she thought.  She held both her children and said a little prayer; she wanted to find her brother and to hug him and tell him she loved him. She never appreciated him more than she did at that moment; she couldn’t bear the thought of losing her brother forever.

 

Back in Seattle at Melanie’s house; Dave and Susan continued to talk. Dave felt bad about finding her diary and confessed to her “Susan. I feel bad but while I was searching through the drawers upstairs for my clothes; I found your diary, I’m sorry” Susan laughed nervously “Oh, you saw that? No worries, I’ve shared most of those poems at the poetry reading so I have nothing to hide” Dave let out a small laugh and said “Oh ok, good. I feel bad for snooping” “Don’t feel bad, in fact if you want, I can share some of my poetry with you” she said.  Dave replied “Yeah, I’d love that. It means a lot that you want share it with me” She went upstairs to grab the journal and Dave couldn’t help but think that he was falling for Susan; she was sweet and really seemed to like him; she was willing to share her poetry with him and was giving him a lot of attention. But he also thought of Iris; she is the one that was there for him from the beginning; the one that vowed to not leave him until they found his identity; he cared deeply for her as well; he didn’t want to lose her. He wondered to himself; if something had happened between them prior to him losing his memory; he wondered what made Iris care for him so much.  This is what made the situation so difficult; his past was a blur and how could make present decisions when he couldn’t remember the past; he was so confused. As he was thinking; Iris looked at him from across the room; she was beautiful; the midday sunlight from the window illuminated her face; her beautiful curly hair bounced when she moved her head; her piercing eyes and red lips; never had a woman such as her taken any interest in him. As he was looking at Iris and she at him; he had momentarily forgotten about his feelings for Susan; he realized that maybe Iris in the short time of knowing each other had fallen in love with him; it was overwhelming to him; he didn’t know what to do with his feelings.   When Susan walked back downstairs; he look away from Iris’s gaze and said to Susan “Hey, do you want to go for a smoke and you can read me your poem?”   “Yeah” said Susan.  Iris turned away from Dave and her smile faded into a frown of sadness; she did her best to hide it from Dave.  It’s true, she had fallen in love with him but she’d never admit it.

 

Dave and Susan sat outside smoking while Susan opened her diary and shared some of her poems with Dave.  One poem was about a man she had been in a relationship for many years; someone who was in a band; who she’d been in love with and thought maybe she might marry him someday.  When she was finished reading the poem, Dave said “Wow, that really a great poem; very heartfelt, I can tell you really liked this guy” Susan replied “I was so in love with this guy; we had met in college; Gary was his name.  He was in a band I thought he cute and my friend introduced us and we just instantly got each other, you know?  We moved into together and at first things were great; he helped me write some his songs and play them for me; it was really sweet; you kind of remind me of him in a way (Dave blushed).  Susan noticing Dave’s blushing said “Aww your blushing that is so cute and I mean it by the way” Dave felt even more flustered which made Susan smile.  Susan said “Anyways, we along great and I liked him because he was kind and sensitive.  Gary had a lot of late-night gigs, so he’d be up all night but he’d always be home when I woke up or he would call and let me know he was alright. One morning I woke up and he was gone, no phone call, nothing. I called his cell and it went straight to voicemail.  I called my friend who introduced us and when she picked up the phone, I could hear a guy next to her. I said “Oh, Michelle, you got a guy with you”; I was joking.  She didn’t say a word but she sounded nervous. All of a sudden, I could hear Gary voice asking her if she wanted coffee.  I lost it.  I said “You know, what fuck both of you.”  Gary tried calling me several times and I would just hang up every time.  I never spoke to either of them again. It totally broke my heart” “I can imagine” said Dave.   Susan continued “When he finally got back home all of his shit was in the hall and I had kicked him out. I mean, I owned the lease and so he left and I sat in that apartment for hours crying and feeling betrayed.  That is when I wrote that poem; so, it means a lot to me” “I’m sure it does” said Dave.  Dave added “I am so sorry that happened to you; you seem no nice and you don’t deserve that” “Thanks for listening, Dave, you are sweet, I can tell you on a kind soul” she replied.  Dave said “Thanks maybe I am, I don’t know.  I could have broken so many hearts and not even realized it” Susan took his hands in hers and said softly “I don’t think so Dave” She gave him a big hug and kissed him on the cheek.

In fact, Dave’s heart been broken so many times he had lost count and yet he had broken very few hearts.  It had hurt him to the core; for years he thought of his inability to connect with women; the times he was rejected; the times where he’d daydream about the girls he could never have.  Before he had lost his memory, he often thought about the girl he liked in high school; she was gorgeous and popular and had plenty of boyfriends. He admired her from afar and never had to courage to talk to her until one day he got the nerve to ask her out; her name was Cindy Peterson.  He found her in the hall with her friends and asked her if he could talk to her.  Her friends laughed quietly but she said excitedly “Sure” Dave took her to the side and nervously asked her if she’d want to go to a movie with him (his hands were shaky and sweaty and he could his heart beating out of his chest; he was not good at hiding his nervousness) She sort of hesitated; taken aback by Dave asking her out; since they hardly knew each other.  She laughed nervously and she said “Yeah, that sounds great, here’s my phone number” She ripped out a page form her notebook; wrote down her number and drew a little heart. Dave was ecstatic; he couldn’t believe he had just gotten a phone number from this beautiful girl he had a crush on.   He told Alex about and he retorted with “Bullshit, man. She didn’t give you her number” As Alex said that, Cindy walked by and called out Dave’s name, waved and in a flirty voice exclaimed “Hiii, Dave see you on Friday” Alex was like “Oh dude, this is crazy. You weren’t lying, you’re really going out with her?”  “Yep” Dave replied with all the confidence in the world.  As Dave walked down the hall; he could see people looking at him and snickering. He had been bullied before but this seemed different.  Dave walked by Cindy’s locker and she didn’t notice him; she was talking to her friend and then he overheard her say “I know, I couldn’t help telling people; it was so funny.  Like he was so nervous and he thinks I’m going out with him?”  I have to come up with some excuse; like I’m sick or something” said Cindy.   Her friend replied “You didn’t tell Derek, did you” Cindy laughed loudly “Oh, he’s the first one I told. I thought he’d be angry but he thought it was hilarious” Dave couldn’t stand it anymore and walked in the other direction. He went to the corner to cry; his heart was broken in a million pieces and he hated crying but he was so overcome with emotions. At that moment a few boys saw him in the corner crying. One kid motioned to his friend “Hey guys, David’s crying. Check it out” Another kid said “dude what a loser, is this about Cindy Peterson. I heard about that, it’s hilarious.  I guess she told you, huh? Everyone in school knows” People started laughing. Dave wiping a tear form his eye yelled “Fuck you!! Get the fuck out of my face” Cindy overheard it while walking by; she shook her head and exclaimed loudly “Oh, Jesus” laughing with her friends.   After that even into adulthood Dave carried a fear of women he liked; this moment ended to be catalyst to an irrational fear of women.  And maybe that’s why he feared when women got too close; he had replayed that humiliation over and over again for many years after that. The irony is after his memory loss; he became a man more comfortable around women; in fact, he was surrounded by three women that genuinely liked him; who weren’t going to hurt or humiliate him. But he felt nervous and didn’t know why; his memory was gone but the feelings remained.

 

 

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