Warning :this post may be a trigger to those have suffered sexual abuse
I had a long conversation with someone about my brother’s suicide today and this woman was really kind and understanding. I’ve been thinking about it throughout the day and it occurred to me that not only was the suicide a devastating lost but also extremely traumatic since I was only 14 and totally ill equipped to handle such a sudden and tragic event with no answers. I was thinking about childhood trauma and all of sudden I thought about someone I knew when I was younger who was sexually abused by a family member when she was a little girl. From time to time; I read about sexual abuse and while I empathize; I don’t fully understand since I have never been sexually abused; I can’t even imagine what it is like to be in that position. It wasn’t until I heard about what happened to this girl; did it help me to understand the trauma of sexual abuse among children. As I was thinking about her; I was thinking how the last time I saw her, her mother was marrying a man, whose children would be her abusers; she was much younger than me and it about a year or so after the trauma of losing my brother. I will not go into the details of what I know about the story except she was abused. Even though that it’s been over 20 years and have not seen her since; my heart breaks and I am filled with a deep sadness and anger. I remember her as a cute little girl; innocent and trusting; and just a kid, you know. She came to our house to play in the neighborhood pool and I watched cartoons with her in her house; it was like being an older brother to a sister I never had. And that innocence was taken away; she was robbed of a normal childhood. As I’m writing this; I realize I may have written this earlier but I felt it important to write about; in regards to trauma.
About a year ago, I got in touch with her on Facebook. I added her reluctantly; I knew that maybe she needed to be talking to females; they were safer. She ended up messaging me regularly and we would talk about how our lives were and sometimes she’d hint at the abuse. A part me of didn’t feel comfortable talking to her because of her past history but I did notice something interesting. She’d tell about PTSD type symptoms and that she was on disability; from what I could gather; she’d never held a job; driven a car or had many social outlets. She would spend most of her time at home playing video games but she did have a boyfriend; which made me happy; I was glad she found someone who understood her. The other thing I know noticed was that at times it felt like I was talking to 7 or 8 year old ( the age when the abuse began) instead of woman who was almost 30. I can’t explain it but for example she was most excited because her mother was going to buy her a Nintendo ds for her birthday and she spent all of her days playing games online and how mom doesn’t allow her to do this or that; I’m not being harsh; I’m trying to point that she seemed perpetually stuck at a young age and I wonder if it has something to do with the trauma she induced. As if her brain won’t allow her to age to the point where she was abused. It hurt so bad to talk to her that I had to cut off communication. I also didn’t want to be accused somehow of any wrong doing by messaging her. It felt like an adult talking to a little girl and it felt wrong to continue the conversation. That being said; I have love in my heart for her and it hurts me so much that this little girl that came to my house to play was abused so badly that she can’t function as an adult; in any capacity. And I feel guilty for writing but I look at this post as educational and I use it bring awareness to sexual abuse; not trigger anyone. No one involved in this story reads my blog or has any contact with me. I am very careful to protect those that have been hurt.
I also wonder what happened to those boys. So much time has passed and as far as I know ; they were never charged. So I think, those boys are now grown men, with children and wives, my question is: how they live with themselves?. If they have children how do they look at them and not realize the child’s live that the ruined forever. How do they sleep at night knowing that the little girl they abused is now a full grown woman who can’t hold a job, make friends, has ptsd and disability and is so traumatized, is still emotionally a child? How in the fuck do you live with yourselves? God forgives but it’s harder for me to forgive. Those bastards got off Scot free and if they could abuse her, what makes you think they’re not capable of sexual abusing their children or another child. It makes me so fuckin angry that they got away with it. With my trauma, I blame my brother, but it’s hard to be angry with someone’s who’s dead. In her case, her abusers are roaming the streets free. Sexual abuse has longstanding effects and it isn’t until someone you know goes through it does it hit you emotionally. I think I’m done here. I apologize again if anyone was triggered by this post.
Dave