Free verse pathway…

Animate my life, radiate my strife, cut me like a knife but stay out of sight.Won’t you tell me how, slow-moving like a cow, words that are now, words that make you say “Wow!”Free verse, a curse ( or course), tell me what it’s worth, straight from the Earth, the birth of a puzzle, put a muzzle on thoughts that can’t be bought or sought after.Rhymes are a crime, when they spew from the mind, the kind that goes a million miles an hour, a cup of sour milk is spilt on the table while I weave a fable of lies and surprise you with more disjointed words.The end of this poem is near and I’ll stop it here but don’t fear, my hand is sore and I won’t write anymore. At least not tonight. Well, alright, till tomorrow. 💖

Letting go

I’m letting go, I’m moving on, I’m starting anew and my heavy heart is lighter, I don’t walk away in anger or bitterness, I  forgive what I don’t understand, and I don’t question it.  I focus on myself, my healing, forever healing, acquiring patience, peace is a journey but one that must be taken without fear but with both feet moving forward, gently reaching that destination wherever it may be, the mind will clear, the burdens will lessen and the heart will once again beat with love but for now I’ll settle for acceptance.

Fork in the road

The truth reveals itself more each day as I take this journey, this fork in the road, a choice I made to take a new direction, my gut says to go down this path, though I’m not sure where it’ll lead, maybe to green pastures, maybe to brick walled deadends with cobwebs, who knows until I start walking, Anything is better than the path full of ferocious wild animals and potholes leading to the ends of the earth, plus they’re after me. I don’t know who they are but they do. The further I get, the more I’m out of their reach, I won’t rest until I’m home safe and sound. I’ll walk day and night until I reach the safety of my front door.

Are you there God? It’s me, David

When you are troubled and you feel alone, attacked from all sides ( even your own mind), you feel isolated, you feel hopeless, everything is crashing down on you at once and you don’t know where to turn. It seems that no one is there, maybe because you pushed them away, maybe you need the space. But for whatever reason , you are alone and you mind is racing and you find yourself again in that dark place where nothing seems right and everyone is against you, your eyes red from lack of sleep, you feel the exhaustion of overthinking, your body is tense. It’s such an empty desolate feeling when you have to shut the whole world off just to breathe.  You’ve been suffocating, carrying the weight of the world and all you want to do into collapse into your bed in your own self-pity. Instead you collapse onto your knees, hands together, eyes closed. You find yourself talking to the one that never abandons you, no matter how bitter you were, no matter how much you turned from him; he was always there. You turn to God because there’s nothing left and in your darkest times is when he’s working the hardest in your life. You pray for strength, for guidance, you pray to forgive yourself and to forgive others; you ask God to bless them and give them everything you’d want in life; protection, love, happiness, success. And suddenly the attacks of your mind slow down, you feel a small sense of ease, your muscle relax and you unclench your teeth. Because I know that through this pain will come salvation and God will never abandon me, I just have to faith that when troubled times arrive soon comes miracles. Amen. 🙏

Looking at those old photos

Looking at old photos of myself past the age of 14, I have a vacant unemotional stare, smiling seems to be an impossible task, I’m completely broken, a shell of my former self, a lost sheep in a herd of tigers, I gave up on life.

I can’t look at these photos without feeling shards of emotional glass, ripping my heart into a million pieces.

These were my lost years, blurred memories; who was I? What was I feeling?

Hope had evaporated for me and I went wherever the wind took me.

I took so long for me to genuinely smile; to allow myself to be photographed.

Last night I cried, a mixture of sadness and joy, I thought of the many friends I had and how they cared, I thought about how much better I felt these days, I thought about the opportunities I had to help others. I thought of all the reasons I had to smile and that made me cry, healing tears streaming down my cheeks, no shame in that.

It’s been a long road but I can finally say that the hope is slowly coming back, so is the joy. And I can love and be loved. I have no other words to describe it except now I feel I can finally move on. 💜

 

Image may contain: David Aguilera, closeup

A world that gone mad

Heartbroken, disillusioned, brutality with impunity.

A grieving nation, decades of abuse at the hands of glaring repression.

Some are wide awake and others are choosing to stay under the covers while those at the top remain silent, their own brand Miranda rights, one designed to fit their narrative.

Talking heads from the Television, fanning the flames of division and hatred, I choose not to pay attention to them, I see the images and I can draw my own conclusions, I’m disheartened.

I feel angry, everyone’s feeling it, it’s been at a boil for decades, the great society is falling apart at the seams. The honeymoon between lady liberty and I have long past ( If there ever was one, to begin with.) My hope and faith in her are no more, lost in my tears and frustration.

Love fails to reach us, hate has overtaken us, so much misunderstanding, so much distrust, total chaos, and destruction; only God was can help us now, 🙏

beingzeejames_101479986_292596431901932_3195991740327296847_n

 

Music: The refuge

Music the refuge, lost in a sea of slow piano notes, the beauty of it all, the trouble of the world around me disappears, transported to a far off world of peace and tranquility. On a boat above calming waters, with the light of the moon to guide me.
Entranced in these notes, feeling secure in the art of the distant past, self-expression through music, no words are needed, the keys speak for themselves, slowly drowning out tonight’s concerns as I close my eyes and soak it all in. Music, how I adore you..  🎵

Silent darkness

Its pitch black outside, the screaming silence of darkness, it’s surreal; dream-like, a certain eeriness that I find comforting, I could get lost in this feeling and it wasn’t for the pouring rain drenching me, I might stay here all night; learning to embrace the silent darkness that lights tend to extinguish.

Flood of healing

Memories flood back but I won’t run away from them, I’ll let them rise to the surface, I can manage the heavy rainfalls, even if it leads me to an ocean of tears. I have a boat and an oar, I can weather the storm.

It’s a distance away but I can see the shore, I can see the beam from the lighthouse guide me to land, shine the light on me, lead me to shore and to safety from this treacherous journey. If I keep moving, I know I’ll get there, even if it takes every bit of strength I have left, I’ll get there, believe that. 🚤 🌊

I guess this is growing up

I wonder about all the people I knew so long ago when I was entering my 20’s, what they are doing with their lives, the journeys they’ve taken and what road they ended up on, I wonder if they still live in the same town and are dealing with the same things or did life change trajectory at some point. I wonder if they are the same people I knew or did they inevitably change and I’m the one that stayed stagnant in these memories. I wonder if after all these years they think of me or have I been forgotten with time. Why do they take up occupancy in my mind, the past is gone, it slipped away from me, bitterness when I think about the card I was dealt, to face this alone, well I guess this is growing up. 😕