Alienation

I live in this culture but I don’t feel a part of it, I feel totally disconnected, disjointed, on the outside looking in, Alienated, discarded like yesterdays trash. I speak but my words get twisted and spit out into fits of indifference. my screams go unheard by the masses, sipping on their brews on monotony, droning on with their useless character assassinations of one another, while the waiter looks on with disgust.

And I watch from a safe distance, alone, wanting to be a part of but at the same time silently judging them for they know not what they do, they hate and they hurt and they lie and it’s become second nature, like breathing or placing the fingers furiously on the keyboard, churning out the inner ramblings of a mad man who neither fits nor is joined in this circus we call a society.

I will continue to float alone but content in being my own man,at least for time being.

 

 

Image may contain: David Aguilera, smiling, tree, outdoor and closeup

 

 

 

Advertisement

Lies my anxiety tells me

My anxiety is constantly lying to me and it is amazing that it took me thing long to realize that. But in trying to combat my anxiety I wanted to write down some of the things my anxiety lies to me

 

  1. Everyone hates me and I’ll never be able to make friends
  2. I’m stupid and that’s what everyone else thinks too
  3. I’m ugly/unattractive. I’ll never have a girlfriend or marry
  4. I am my anxiety, it defines me
  5. I’ll never be able to independent/ I’ll never find a job that will pay enough to live on
  6. Avoiding situations that make me anxious will decrease my anxiety
  7. I have no skills, I’m competent and can’t get anything right
  8. No one else is as anxious as I am, my case is the worst, I am alone in this
  9. I will always have bad anxiety is there is nothing I can do to make it better

 

 

I want to take the time to address each point because I have realized that all of these are blatant lies and I can counter all these statements

 

  1. I have met many people throughout my life that really care about me, people who I didn’t think liked me and it turned out they thought about me throughout the years, I had an impact on them, they just never told me. I have heard a lot of people say how kind I am and honest, that makes me feel good. And even recently I thought a whole group of people didn’t like me until I took the time to get to know them and realize they were my friends, and even though we don’t know each other well, they still like me. My anxiety makes me think everyone in the room doesn’t like me, when they don’t even know me. I think the worst in people like everyone is against me and that kills my confidence and of course, no one approaches me because my self-esteem is so low. I feel when I simply just walk up to people and talk to them, they are usually friendly and I realize how wrong I’ve been. That gives me comfort and it combats that anxiety.

 

  1. I think that while I struggle with learning disabilities in some areas, in other areas, I excel. I think I have a gift of expressing myself through writing, I taught myself a lot of the Spanish I know because I was determined. I never thought I would make it through college but I am a class away from a degree and was on the dean’s list, so I am far from stupid but anxiety makes me focus on what I’m not good at.

 

3        To be honest, I’ve never had a relationship with a woman and that hurts. I look at myself and I don’t like how I look but the truth is that I know there have been plenty of women I’ve come across that liked me and it was my emotional difficulties that keep the relationship from starting, not my looks.  I knew they were attracted to me at some point because they approached me but I could never get over my anxiety.

I actually remember going out about a year ago to a bar and I each time I went, I managed to have a conversation with at least 1 woman there and I went out about 4 times.  And all of these women were really attractive and each time they approached me; I was really amazed. I was so proud I was able to hold a conversation with all of these women. So clearly, my looks are less of a factor than my anxiety and that would make me think and if I worked on myself and reduced the anxiety and gained higher self-esteem, I might find someone.

 

  • I am not my anxiety, it doesn’t define me. I am so much more than that. I am a kind, loving person with a big heart.

 

  1. I think if I find the right job that suites me and the right environment, I could thrive. My gifts are helping people and I am praying and hoping I can get into the disability field, it is a passion of mine and I know that I could be good at it, find a career and manage to live on my own.

 

  1. The more I avoid certain situations and people, the worse it becomes because I never learn how to deal with it, I may be comfortable leaving but I haven’t faced my fears, it doesn’t help me gain my confidence. In order to combat my anxiety, I have allowed myself to be uncomfortable and try to find ways to reduce my anxiety in social situations, like praying or taking a quiet moment and coming back, running away isn’t the solution

 

  1. I think it goes back to the stupidity lie, I do have skills, I have gifts ( we all do!) and there are so many things I am good at and I focus on that as opposed to the things I am not so great at.

 

  1. It is amazing that once I started writing about anxiety that so many people came up to and told me they suffered from it too, so many people are affected by it and don’t even talk it. And by talking about my anxiety, it helps others have to courage to be open about their struggles, that has helped me so much and reduced my anxiety. Lately, I have met several people in person who I thought didn’t have any kind of issues, tell me they also have mental health struggles, they seemed so confident and I felt alone and yet there were people around me who are just as anxious. And although we are not totally open about, just know there are other people who have anxiety, makes me feel a whole lot better. We are never alone.

 

  1. My anxiety will improve when I start to counter the lies when I face my fears when I talk about my struggles openly and most importantly write about them and continues to be in a community of those trying to recover from mental health struggles.

Ghosts of the past continue to haunt me, I feel the searing fire of their rejection, the loud rumbling of their laughter at my expense, their mockery lingers on in the recesses of my mind, the mere thought incenses me and fills me with shame and a punctured soul, yearning for acceptance but receiving none.

 

Those faces are long gone but the feelings remain, every new person I meet. I wonder, is that how they think of me? A punchline? The idea someone could accept me for who I am is unfathomable, so my defenses kick in. I judge before I get judged, this way they can’t hurt me, I won’t let it happen. Warped perception based on fallacies.

 

This constant worry I’ve come to realize is never based on the truth of the present but the pain of the past. Yeah, they did me wrong but that’s not today, not everyone is like that, some people actually care and I have to recognize that and accept that. The anxiety isn’t unfounded but it’s certainly not relative to everything situation today, I’m realizing this.

 

I gain peace of mind, enough to allow myself to accept friendship and love, something that’s been lacking for so long, something so vital, like vitamins for the soul. Learning, growing is what life is all about. A calmness over.

Tell me how you feel

Never hold in your feelings, it will eat away at your soul, say how you feel and the weight will be lifted from your heart, don’t think, just speak, the words will flow exactly the way they’re supposed to be, Face the fear, fight the uncertainty and regardless of the outcome you can take comfort in knowing at least for the moment, you conquered one of your giants. Celebrate this one, the relief you get from speaking your mind. And we breathe…..

Only in dreams

The only times I see you is in my dreams, in my awaken state I’ve forgotten your face and voice but when I dream you’re there talking to me as if you’re still here, just as I remember you, forever young.  A part of me in the dream is thinking “I know you’re gone and this is an illusion” but I’m so thrilled to see you again I humor the REM waves of memory and subconscious. Old faces join us in the dream, like in the past, we’re all in this place together, like before,  sometimes you’re close by and I enjoy talking with you, hearing your voice again, it’s comforting as it as if it’s your way of letting me know you’re ok. Other times you’re far away in the distance, I can see you but I can’t reach you, I try in vain to get your attention but you never seem to know I’m there.

 

When I wake up, I have come to the realization that it was only a dream and you’re still out of reach and the pains of loss encompass me so, I shake with sadness that the reality is so painful after all these years but with all that, it’s still good to talk to you even when I’m sleeping and our conversation was a figment of my imagination. I only hope when I close my eyes tonight and drift off to sleep I might be able to see you again, if only for a short while.  See you in my dreams, until later

The sad clown

There is a clown, his face full of makeup, an exaggerated red smile across his face, red poofy hair and stars painted around his sunken eyes, full of exhaustion and sadness. The makeup masks the hurt, a mask to keep the crowd from seeing the real him, a person they would normally shy away from but in clown makeup, he is beloved.

 

Nervous, with sweaty hands and his heart beating out of his chest, he hears the music of the circus and he knows it’s his cue to go on, although overwhelmed, it;s his job to give joy to the audience at the expense of his dignity, he knows he must sacrifice himself to make the children of the world happy.

 

He enters the arena, arriving on a tricycle for the amusement of the the crowd, their cheering and laughing breaking his fragile heart. “The show must go on” he said silently to himself. The act involved miming, riding an elephant and then ending of a banana cream pie in the face, he never got used to the humiliation.

 

As the show ended the music faded, the crowd dispersed, the lights went out and the arena became bare except for one sad clown, and the sound of quiet weeping, his tears causing his bright make up to run down his face. The only comfort he could take was that he far from the only sad clown in the world, there were many more just like him, and the moment he walked away, they’d be another sad clown to replace him, the show must go on.

 

Dedicated to Robin.

Mental health support

I have been suffering from mental health issues for as long as I can remember and only in the last few years have I been public about everything that I have went through, it has been amazing. I have worked out of a lot of my past issues through writing, in fact, I just got my poem published and it was related to mental health, what an amazing feeling. I have also connected with so many supportive people online and that has been helpful but at the same time I have been frustrated  because these supports have been online and few of them live close enough to be able to talk to in person, although I have talked to a few people on video and that went much better than expected. Nonetheless I have been looking for support locally, in person and not online.

 

I started researching mental health support groups in the area and found meetings with NAMI ( National Alliance of Mental Illness) they are a nationwide organization that helps people with mental health issues and I had heard many good things about them. I found that there were monthly support groups in the area. One of the meetings was far and I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to go to that one but fortunately, I found a meeting that was closer to my home.

 

I was very nervous because I had never been to a peer support group before, I had done 12 steps but that was different. After a week of waiting, I was able to go to a NAMI meeting last night, it was very helpful. There was a lady there from NAMI who ran the meeting and she was great and very kind, an older lady with a lot of resources of help throughout the city. During the meeting,  People just sat around in a circle and talked about various mental health struggles and I shared things myself. People were extremely supportive and offered a lot of good advice. It was incredible to get peer support and there is even a meeting where people share their art, including writing.  I am just proud of myself that I went and will continue to go to those meetings as much as I can.

Compassion

Instead of reacting with anger, instead, come back with compassion and understanding. Sometimes a knee jerk emotional reaction kicks in when our buttons are pushed, and sometimes our emotions cloud our judgment and we say things that hurt, they cut like a knife, and when the smoke has cleared, we hang out heads in shame about the daggerish words we have used to cut others down, regret is a heavy consequence of this battle of words.

So instead of throwing salt on the wound, I choose love and compassion even though others may be blinded by rage and hurl treacherous words, They say these things because inside they are hurt, they are hurt because I’m finding ways to heal and they are still on the ground in agony. I choose not to hurt them any further. Because bitterness only serves as poison; eating away at my insides, it’s killing me and I just want the poison out of me. I want to love them; although they may hurt me.

We hurt others because we are hurt ourselves, I’m not better, I’m guilty of it, not a day goes by where in someway I haven’t hurt someone, either through my actions or my sharp tongue ( which is my own worst enemy) I pray for redemption and forgiveness. I am not perfect, father but I take comfort in the fact that no matter how far I stray from your path, you’ll lead me back and can give me the strength to have compassion when it seems so damn hard on some days.

 

Image may contain: David Aguilera, smiling, tree, sky and outdoor

My writing is published

I wanted to tell all of my followers that I submitted one of my poems to a writing website, it has been approved and they are going to publish it. I am not getting paid but this will give my writing more exposure, I am so excited right now because I have never published writing outside of my blog and social media. And I was really afraid of my piece being rejected but clearly it’s worth publishing to them.

 

I am so grateful for all of the support I have gotten from my blog and my social media platforms, I never in a million expected this. I wrote and continue to write for therapeutic reasons and I really didn’t think I would get such a positive response from sharing my writing.

 

I felt so alone for so many years and I kept my feelings inside; not expressing them for fear of judgement. I had so much hurt and pain, that I was just a broken person. But once I started writing, it became a flood of emotions and I wrote and wrote and wrote, I just needed to get it all out. And afterwards I was able to finally heal. And my purpose was to help myself but I had no idea that it was helping others as well, which warmed my heart, that my writing could encourage someone else to open with their feelings, that was never my original intent but words have power, don’t they?.

 

For everyone who has supported my writing and shown me love and understanding, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your support means the world to me and you have given me the confidence to share my writing and grow as a writer. Thank you for coming along with me on my writing journey and I will continue to write, it’s an essential vitamin at this point.

The masks we wear

Whether we realize it or not, we all wear masks, to protect us from the elements, to survive in harsh social environments. We mask our true emotions, our sadness, our hurts, the crippling rejections we face from time to time when we make the mistake of trying to connect with others.

 

Rejection stings like a thousand bees but we never show it, we carry on with fake plastic smiles, so others won’t feel uncomfortable with the pain we carry with us, a heavy knapsack of boulders; weighing us down but we can’t show weakness, so while we lay on the ground in sheer agony, we laugh it off to avoid the judgment of onlookers. No need for help, I’ll help myself. No need for medical attention, just leave me on the ground for a few more days and I’ll somehow manage to crawl back home.

 

Me, I have a mask and I wear it on occasion but most of the time I leave it at home, in a drawer somewhere. I forget my mask and all I can be is myself, I don’t have the luxury of hiding my pain for the benefit of others, what you see is what you get.

 

If life has given me joy, I might crack open a smile, giddy at the prospect of happiness, even if it’s short lived.

 

If negativity invades my space as it oftentimes does, a frown or an eye roll is sure to come. I don’t have a poker face, I can’t hide my emotions as easily as you, although I would like to at times, to be just like you.

 

I feel bitter because I want the happiness you so easily fake, if I had those skills maybe you’d like me more and want to be around me instead of avoiding the black cloud of emptiness that is my existence

 

I don’t know if this is me talking or the illness talking. I speak out of hurt and need to process all of this because the truth is fleeting, when your own mind decides to feed you lies and you believe every line, every damn time.

 

Image may contain: David Aguilera, selfie, closeup and indoor