Dream #8

I wanted to share another dream I had. It’s a reoccurring dream involving my previous employment at Costco; I have had at least 3 dreams revolving them.  In this dream I was in the back parking lot of Costco, talking to a girl who I didn’t recognize. I was telling her that I was going to apply again for the job.  You see, I was seasonal at Costco and they let me go after the Christmas season. I was told to apply again in March when they had more openings.  Anyways, she said told me that she could talk to one of the managers about it. Next thing I know, he’s asking me if I could work the night shift from around 11 pm to 6 am.  There was some confusion. One person was saying it was until 6 am and the other it was saying until 2 am, I was trying to clarify it and unable to get answers. I remember feeling concerned because I wasn’t prepared to work and certainly not to work all night long.  The manager was saying I was going to do chemical clean up or something; I was handed a smock and a broom.  The guy training me was the guy who trained me at the bakery in Costco.  Sometime during the night, I saw this girl I used to like from a few years back, , she was training too and the girl who I asked out before I left ( It didn’t work out) was also there, she didn’t say anything. That’s all I can remember but it certainly was quite a dream



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Last day at my job

Today was the last day at my job and I’ve written a lot about it; I’ve been so depressed about it and today was no exception. At the time same it’s pretty bittersweet; I have been working for the last 2 years and I feel so tired; a part of me is looking forward to enjoying the rest; volunteering more; make it to church on Sunday and finding time to write and of course going back to school.  So I am trying to have a positive attitude about all of this and I also tell myself that this was seasonal and they let go of almost everyone; so I can’t take it personally.  It really wasn’t a bad last day;  them letting me go was not a result of an emotional breakdown or me quitting in anger ( unlike every other job in the past); it’s all circumstances beyond my control; my old store was closing and I took the job as a means of making money during holidays; knowing full well it was seasonal. I am proud of the job I did; I managed my emotions; I showed up on time everyday; didn’t complain and worked hard and a lot of my co-workers have mentioned how hard of a worker I am.  I am grateful I didn’t have to be at Sears until the very end; I am grateful to God for blessing me this short time at this new job and giving me the strength to make it through all this; it was tough.  I also felt good that a lot of people wished me luck; I got a lot of hugs and people seemed genuinely sad to see me go; they realized how much this job meant to me.

I am just struggling to figure how I am going to deal with all of my anxious thoughts and depression with so much free time; I feel rejected in a sense that I wasn’t picked to stay.  I have been irritable and I have felt rejected both by this job and by trying to contacting people I’ve known life and getting ignored responses; it hurts. So I know I am in a middle of a depressive episode and I pray God will get me through this. I hope by writing I can make sense of my feelings; so they don’t build up. So if my blogs seem erratic; just know I am struggling with these changes in my life. I have no idea what’s ahead but I do know I am ready for whatever comes ahead.

I also wanted to talk about something that I haven’t shared on my blog or any of my social media; which is amazes because I have a history of being so anxious about these things.  In fact I have managed to keep it all to myself and not ask anyone for advice; that’s a first. Anyways there was this girl at work that I met a few weeks ago; she seemed really nice and she was in college and I told her I really liked to write; I had a blog and how I loved school; she seemed real interested and whenever I was on break; she’d sit next to me ( along with a lot of other women; I don’t sit with guys lol) and she would just light up when she saw me and it was such a good feeling; she’s really cute but somehow I was confident; mostly likely because she seemed so interested in talking to me.  I thought about asking for her number but I didn’t want my anxiety to show and I could never find any moment alone with her; I couldn’t do it while other people are around; I am so self conscious about those things.  I sort of decided that I’d just leave it alone because again I have long history of being rejected ( especially asking out girls I worked with)  Once I found I was leaving this job; I realized I had nothing to lose but I tried not stress over it. If I could ask her; great; if not; then I’d be alright either way.  Anyways as I was leaving for my shift; head down; very sad about leaving; I went back in to do some shopping; I then saw the girl I liked on her own; at the front door; looking at her phone.  I decided in a split second right there that this was chance to ask for her number.  I sort of nervously told her that if she had questions about writing ( stupid I know) that she could talk to me about it.  I told her this was my last shift; she seemed happy about me asking for her number and told me to put my number on her phone and she’d text me. She then hugged me and wished me luck.  I just felt so proud of myself at that moment; that I had the confidence to ask her and I wasn’t too anxious.  I went about it the right way and I realized that maybe I lost my job but I gained a possible opportunity to get to know this girl. I just tell myself to take it very slow and give myself a chance to catch my breath from all the stress; I’ll text her soon and see what happens. When one doors closes another one opens.   I think this is a new chapter in my life; a new year and good things are truly on the horizon.  Thank you for all the support regarding the job; it really makes a difference




Symptoms of my depression

Since I found out about losing my seasonal job; I have just felt really depressed and anxious.   Sometimes I am so depressed that I can’t imagine life without it and I don’t see the warning signs of a depressive episode.   For the last few weeks;  I have been working full 8 hour shifts and been extremely busy and working in the bakery was so fast paced and I didn’t have time to think about being depressed or anxious; and I felt great.  I was feeling pretty confident and proud of myself; I told everyone about my new job. A part of me was really hoping that this could be a huge change in my life and that they could keep me; I could make more money and save for a place of my own and I loved that this job was down the street; it was perfect. Now my hours are being cut and I’ll be out of a job by the end of the week; which has caused my depression to come back full swing. I feel it in my body; I am sore and lethargic and I haven’t been sleeping well; I’m a total mess.

I’ve also noticed other symptoms of my depression creeping back up and I didn’t even realize they were symptoms until I thought about them.  I use social media a lot as a means of a support network and it’s usually very positive; I get a lot of supportive messages and comments from friends and it makes a difference in my life.  During this time at my new job I had less social anxiety online; I didn’t care if any particular person liked what I posted or worried about how much I was using social media or comparing myself to others. In fact I wasn’t able to use my phone for most of my shift; so i was using social media much less and getting away from that addictive cycle.

Now with more free time I am back to using social media too much, comparing myself to others and feeling anxious about how I am perceived online; does that make any sense?  I’ll give you an example: it was Christmas and I decided to send some of my friends Christmas cards and messages through facebook.  I sent and received cards but felt depressed because I didn’t receive cards from certain people and kept thinking that they didn’t care and having these sort of repetitive thoughts about why they didn’t care and how I could change that; these thoughts are symptoms of my depression; when I feel mental healthy; I have less of those thoughts; I am thinking more positively.  I also sent FB messages on Christmas and while most people responded and were happy to hear from me; some people didn’t respond and I felt ignored and again said to myself that they didn’t care and why didn’t care; I mean it’s Facebook; it’s such a waste of time; why am I focused on that when I should be focused on what my plans are once I’m unemployed?  I even tried and to deactivate my account and went right back to it after a day or two.

So yeah, I know I am struggling right now and I pray that God will see me through and I can be more positive.  I tell myself that people love me and I’m a good person and a lot of people are inspired by my writings and I have the disabled ministry; I am blessed.  Having depression doesn’t make less than a person or inferior to others. And during these depressive episode most of what my mind tells me is complete bullshit; none of it is based in fact.  The world isn’t coming to end and something good is on the horizon; I just need to have faith.

So during this free I have I will go back to school and finish my degree in developmental disabilities;  I will continue to volunteer with the disabled ministry; maybe help with ESL; I’m going to work out everyday; attended church and maybe get involved in church activities and try to join a writing group somewhere; I plan to stay busy and keep my mind occupied so I can manage my depression and anxiety; I refuse to let it control me. I will update all of you as things happen.  Lastly if anyone you have mental health issues; please don’t be afraid to ask for help; whether it’s therapy; medication’ or reaching out for support through writing; you don’t have to  do this alone.  I care; I really do.  Please take care of yourselves and thanks for listening


Sad news about my job

Well, the day before Christmas; one of my my supervisors ( the one gave me the review) at work called me in to talk to him. He informed me that they would no longer need me after the Christmas season and that I would be leaving at the end of the week. I kinda of expected it but I was a little upset that they chose the day after Christmas to tell me; it hurt.   But I did tell him that I had learning disabilities and I gave it my all because I really wanted to work there. He said he didn’t know that ( I am not sure if he couldn’t tell how much I struggled)  But he said I did a good job and I may get a call back to work there in March when there are more openings; so fingers crossed on that one.  I told a few co-workers about how I was being let go and they all said I was such a good worker and they were surprised.  One lady who was really kind hugged me and said “I’ll miss you sweetheart; I enjoyed working with you”; it felt nice to be appreciated. So I kind of was of moping to myself; feeling I was singled out and wondered what I was going to after this. I am trying to look at the bright side; this means I can go back to school and finish my degree and I can also spend more time with the disabled ministry.  I also planning on other volunteer opportunities while I look for another job. I also realized that I can write more and maybe attend some writing workshops that I could never make due to work. So yes, I’ll be alright; if I keep a positive attitude.  So while I was moping to myself one of my other co-workers who came in with me said she was also cut and then all of a sudden about 5 or 6 people said to me they were cut as well. I realized I wasn’t the only one and I felt less bad because they pretty much had cut everyone and  you know what, they all seemed to have a calm attitude about it.   I realized that everything was ok and not to worry.   Just wanted to update you guys; thank you for all support regarding the job; it means a lot


I hate waiting

Well today I am supposed to hear back from Costco about starting the job and I am awaiting the result of the background ( I have no criminal record and have never failed a background check) I passed the drug test and they said they’d contact me this week about starting orientation; I was hoping to start as soon as possible so I could avoid working Thanksgiving.  I am also just ready to leave my old job; I’ve pretty much stopped caring at this point; in a sense they broke me and I am just exhausted from being there.  I thought of it as almost being in a prison; knowing you’re going to be released in a week and that’s the longest week of your whole sentence because you know you’re leaving and you are just staring at the calendar; obsessing about the days you can finally walk out and never come back; that’s exactly how I feel.

So I am at my most anxious when I am waiting for anything that requires urgency ( phone call, email text)  and I always go through this little anxiety attack in my head and that tape loop; they won’t call; you won’t get the job; maybe your current job will say you aren’t a good worker etc; over and over and again.  I’m just visibly anxious; my legs feel like they are shaking at 100 miles mph and I am just tapping my fingers in frustration.  I hate this anxiety so much because I have tried every which way to calm myself and remind myself that more often than I do get a call back; the anxiousness persists. I figured I wanted to write about my anxiety as it was happened so someone might get an idea of the feelings I have during this heightened state of anxiety.   Even when I send a simple text; I got through this sort of script in my head and I don’t calm down until the person texts me back or I give up and realize they aren’t going to talk to me. That is why I only like people who respond to messages promptly because that way I know they want to talk to me and don’t keep  me waiting.  I’m pretty I’m not the only one all this anxiety but it certainly feels like I’m alone with this most of the time.  Well I am going to get something to eat and take a shower; maybe that will calm my nerves. And I won’t make another post about this until I hear back from Costco and start officially working there.  Thank you so much for the support friends; I really need it on some days


The mall is dead

As many of you know, I work at Sears and our store is closing in less than two months.  My store is located as an anchor store at a major mall in the area; and it’s closing is really going to have an impact on the mall as a whole.  Anytime an anchor closes; it slowly kills the mall; foot traffic decreases and people have less of a reason to get into their cars; fight traffic and go to the mall.  And it doesn’t help that everyone is shopping online; and why not? It’s more convenient; you don’t have to leave your house or put up with pesky sales people or deal with crowds of screaming babies or terrible bland music piping from the store speakers; that is the exact reason why I stayed away from there. These days Malls everywhere seem to be dying and while I admit I hadn’t been to the mall to shop in a long time; I still feel sad about it’s demise.  Growing up as a teenager in the late 90’s; I would hang out with my friends at the mall all the time; we didn’t buy things; we just walked around aimlessly; smoking cigarettes and eating at the food court until someone picked us up; it sounds boring but it was the only place to hang out with your friends for hours on end; besides being stuck in the house.  I don’t even think kids today hang out at the mall; I think they’re stuck on the couch; looking at snapchat or watching Netflix on their phone; barely interacting with anyone.  Yeah the mall was a drag but at least you were in the real world; interacting with real people. It just feels like everything I grew up with is slowly dying and it really makes me sad.

I went back to where I grew up a few months back and stayed with a friend.  Before I left she messaged me and asked if I wanted to go a hockey game that her brother was a referee at; I figured she meant downtown; because where else would a hockey match be held?  It turns out it was at the mall where I had lunch with my grandparents every week (a whole lot of nostalgia but that is for a different post).  All the stores were gone and even the surrounding restaurants were out of business; the only thing left was the metro and this hockey rink that had been built after I left.  It took me a second for all of that register; the memories I had of that place were completely gone and it felt surreal.  Later on during the trip I had a dinner at another friend’s house and I used to hang out with her at the mall all the time.  She told me the mall we went to was demolished and they had it replaced with condos or something.  It’s just crazy to me; how fast things are changing and the mall is just on life support at this point.  I think about all the jobs being lost and abandoned buildings and parking lots; it’s just depressing.   I don’t know what else to say about that except a part of me will miss the mall.  I know that whenever my store closes; I am going back to the mall to see my Sears for the last time and I won’t be going back to the mall for a very long.  I assume within the next 5 years or so; that mall will be gone and just a faded memory.   The mall was good while it lasted; long live the American mall in all of its glory



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I got the job

I am so happy right now.  I have been on the job search for a few weeks now and it has been real stressful; I thought that I’d have to stay at Sears until the very end; which was a depressing scenario.  Anyways today I had my second interview with Costco; I had my first one only yesterday and I felt it went well.  I was really nervous today but I gave myself a pep talk and sent out a little prayer and thought about how supportive my friends were and how God was looking out for me and it calmed me down a bit.  It was a much shorter wait this time around and luckily I was interviewed by one person.  The conversation went really smooth and I felt confident in explaining how I handled certain situations at Sears; he just replied “Great, great” and moved on to the next question.  I asked him what the  job entailed ( like I did yesterday)  Its just bagging and gathering carts but also keeping the front end clean. I told him I was a hard worker and I didn’t like to stand around and do nothing ( which is the truth).  I know this job will be a challenge but I am up for it and willing to work hard and do the very best I can; I know I can do it; because anything worth having is worth working hard for.

I think God is working in my life right now; he is really looking out for me.  I was at a real low point and was depressed for a long time; my mental health has deteriorated and I felt so alone here and was just asking God for a miracle. At first I thought that leaving Sears was such a sudden thing and I felt like it was a bad thing but now I see it as a blessing in disguise; they is a new and much much better opportunity for me and I’m going to run with it.  I know I saw this a lot but God has blessed with me with the most loving friends.  I posted my good news and immediately my phone was just buzzing like crazy with texts and messages and notifications from my social media; my support network is unbelievable; I can’t describe how it feels to have all of these people who care about me so much; some days I can’t wrap my brain around; it really makes a difference in my life. Oh that support includes my blog followers as well. Thank you so much for all of your kind words.  So I am extremely happy right now. I am going try to calm down a bit; I’m  little too hyped right now and I am going to  treat myself and order some Chinese Food.  Today was an incredible day and It wasn’t me; it was God; he’s the one who made this all happen.  Thank you again, friends.  Good things do happen in this world if we’re patient; I truly believe that.


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The picture is a little blurry but I was so ecstatic after this interview.  Just such a relieve to finally have a new job!


Goodbye Sears (memories)

I have been working for Sears for about 2 years; which is quite interesting since my father and uncle both worked at Sears for some time. To be honest it’s not a great job; it doesn’t pay much but it does keep me occupied; productive and helps pay some ( not all) of my bills. I had some devastating news 2 weeks ago; my store will be closing in January and I will be out of a job; whether I like it or not. It’s the first time I will be leaving a job without quitting; so this time it’s of no fault of my own. I am struggling; trying to figure out how I’ll find another job and have to adjust to a new work setting. A part of me is happy because I have been unhappy in my job for a long time and I was ready to go somewhere else. But at the same time I am never good with change and I have been accustomed to getting up and going to Sears and seeing the same old people everyday; it’s all I know. Now all of that will be gone and it’s kind of depressing.

But it got to me to thinking about all the memories of Sears I had. At one point Sears was one of the biggest department stores. I remember as a little kid going to Sears where my uncle worked and talking with him; I think he managed the sporting goods department. I have this vivid memory of walking through the auto department and see all of those tires on display and then going through lawn and garden; it was all so boring to me; to be honest. Even at that age I didn’t care about things like tools or tractors; that was for farmers or that dude on home improvement (that guy was a jerk) I also wasn’t interesting in buying clothes; what 7 year old buy enjoys clothes? I really loved the electronic department; I loved seeing all the new TVs and the stereo equipment; I cared more about music than motor oil. But the biggest joy was the Sega and Super Nintendo arcade stand; me and my brother stood in awe the first time we saw it that at Sears; that was the first time we played Mario Brothers world and Sonic the hedgehog at the mall; it was incredible. I remember how they had that super expensive Phillips cd-i system that was like 500 dollars and had really stupid boring games and an digital encyclopedia that no kid would use. Who in their right mind would buy that when you had SNES?.

It was a wonderland as a kid and business was thriving; Sear was pretty much the only game in town. I walk around the store I work out and we got rid of our electronics department ;which was their biggest draw; customer service is terrible; their online website is confusing and the inside of the store hasn’t changed since i was a kid in 1991. What happened to Sears?. Maybe it seemed better because i was younger and when you’re small everything seems more vast. Somehow I think it could have been avoided with better management but im not an business expert and that’s not what this blog is about. All I know is that despite my bad experience working at Sears; I’ll hold on to the good memories as it fades into obscurity. It just amazes me how all the things I knew as a kid are slowly becoming a thing of the past. Maybe I’m getting older and I have to accept change and know that when old things fade; theres hope something better will replace it. But I just can’t help but be sad at a changing world.. With that I am off to buy pointless stuff at Amazon.

RIP Sears 1893-2018. You had a good run and you’ll be missed ( by some)


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