We are in this together

Fear overtakes me, I feel alone, stuck between these four walls; with only my anxious thoughts and the flickering lights of technology, my only window to a world that is increasingly shrinking, we are trapped in our cocoons or like a hamster in a cage; spinning that wheel just to stay sane.

Fear makes us on high alert and the answers to this puzzle fade into the contaminated air and the comfort of a hug or a pat on the back is lost, evaporated, just like our hopes.

But is there hope in this seemingly hopeless situation? The ship may be sinking but we are all in this together, holding on for dear life, we can comfort each other, erasing the division among us.

Right now, we are human beings, scared and suffering and we must love and care for each other, be a human life raft for others in the sea of disease and fear.

Love others with all of your might, comfort the sick and the anxious wrecks that are overcome with the uncertainly of an unpredictable world they cannot control.

I love you, sisters and brothers, together we will get to the shore safely if we practice precaution and love. I love you, stay safe and take care of yourselves.


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People who care

I made a blog earlier about the difficulties I was having in school with my math course, I didn’t get the support I need and now I am so far behind that I can’t possible pass this course. I have no choice at the moment to withdraw; a part of me feels like failure even though everyone around me says that I did the best I could, a part of me feels stupid because I really wanted to pass this course. So I was volunteering the other day and during my lunch break, I was talking to some of the staff of the disabled ministry, I was telling them about my situation and they were appalled that I couldn’t receive the help I needed and how I just need to one class to pass and I’m being held back, and it’s important to note that I’m an honor student, so I am highly capable of making it through college.  The people I were talking asked me to bring my math notebook, so they can see the kind of math problems I’m dealing with. They offered to tutor me a little and get me up to speed for my next class, I was amazed. I was amazed that people would take the time to help me, someone they’ve only known for a few months.  I am going to take them up on their offer because I need all the help I can get.  I have been hurt so much by people in the past, it’s easy to forget that there are good people out there, people who care.   And tonight, I went to a dinner with the same disabled ministry and I saw the leader of the group who had been out town, she asked me about school and I told her how frustrated I was and how I am going to drop out. I told her I was going to school to speak with the disability counselor and she offered to go with me and advocate and I really think that would be a good idea. She Is known in the community, she’s a pretty tough lady in the sense that she would hold them accountable for not giving me the proper accommodations, she also cares about me and sees how passionate I am about helping the disabled, she knows how much I want this degree and how I will use to make a difference in people’s lives.  I am just so blessed because I know God is working in my life through this group and I know I’ll be ok


So, on another note I am also getting a lot of online support. I added a bunch of writers and mental health advocates to my Facebook page, I have over 3,000 friends on there. And since I use my social media for advocacy and network (in fact I have managed to give my link of my blog to several people and they loved it), it makes no difference whether I know them personally or not.  So since I have added all these people, I have had an influx of messages and comments and reactions, so much so that I can barely keep up, all of it positive, a lot of people are inspired by my writing which is really heartwarming to me that they are positively affected by it and I can tell how many people said that my writing has made a difference in their lives; that is an honor. On top the comments about my writing, I also talk a lot about mental health and gotten so much support, it’s overwhelming. I have several people who are life coaches’ message me, one woman offered to do a Facebook video call and I will do that very soon, another person invited to participate in mental health workshop online.

So, all these wonderful things are happening and it feels like mental health advocacy is a big part of my life and I am connecting with thousands of people and getting my message across, it is a feeling that indescribable to me.  Only about 1 year and half ago I felt totally isolated, I wasn’t writing or connected with anyone, I wasn’t open about my struggles and kept my feelings to myself.  I still can’t believe the responses I get, 50 ,60 comments a day, hundreds of likes, I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging, I just am amazed.  I like metaphors, it’s like a poor guy all of sudden winning the lottery. I was totally alone one minute and now I have all this attention and it’s hard to handle. I mean, I wanted it but I’m not used to it.   But like I said earlier, people care, for the first time in my life I feel like people are listening to what I have to say. As if my all pent-up feelings are being validated by so many people who feel the same way I do and can relate. I felt like I was the only one for all my life and now I realize I am not. I was put down all my life and now I receive more praise than I can handle.  How does one deal with all that sudden change? I don’t know. But that’s for this blog, I am happy to have a place to express all of their feelings. I thank all my followers for being so supportive and will keep everyone updated.


Thanks for listening



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This new road

I have this this surge of emptiness; a deep feeling of anxiety and dread about what’s down this road; it seems dark and scary and I have no idea where I’m headed and how long I’ll go down this path. Maybe the path before was full of potholes and pick pockets, wild animals and thorn bushes; but I knew that road and what was around every corner; it was familiar; this is strange and unnerving and who likes to change directions at such a sudden speed. I don’t know about you but may I want to head back to where it’s safe but the old road is closed; blocked off. So I continue down this new path; using a stick to guide me in the darkness and hoping to God this takes me to where I need to be.


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Went on the suicide awareness walk

Yesterday I went with my parents on a suicide to awareness walk to honor my brother, other members of my family and a friend/coworker that took his life on the anniversary of my brother’s death.  I was so anxious about this walk;it has been on my mind since I registered over a month ago.  I wasn’t quite sure how I’d react or how emotionally I would be. My brother died over 20 years but the pain is still there and I have been effected greatly by it; I often write about and reach out to my friends who knew my brother.  I was a little sad because none of my friends live in the area and it would have meant so if they could have walked with me ( although I am not sure if they’d be comfortable with that).  Sometimes I feel so alone because I’m so far away from them but by the grace of God I communicate with them online and that makes a huge difference in my healing; I know they loved my brother and they love me as well; I am blessed to have that support.

It was a cold and rainy day and I was worried; it might impact the walk. But I decided rain or shine we going to go on that walk to honor my brother. So we got to the walk site and I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I would be. My sleep has not been good lately and I was really tired and sort of out of it.  But there were so many people there; with a loud speaker directing people where to go.  There were a lot of booths; one to register; one with different beads; relating to my relationship to the person that took their lives. They were selling t-shirts and armbands. I even noticed a lot of people with dogs stating “I’m walking for____”; it was a big crowd.

We made a walk around the city; we passed by the baseball and football stadium.  My dad noticed a woman with a t-shirt that had a quote about mental illness and that there was no shame in it.  I asked her about her shirt and she said she had a blog; I couldn’t believe it; a fellow writer. We talked for a bit and I told her I had a blog as well; it was incredible; she seemed really nice.  I told my dad that I was sad because there were so many people there; he didn’t get it at first. I explained it was sad that this huge crowd were affected by suicide; all these years I thought we were the only ones because no one talks about it and people seem uncomfortable when I bring it up; so I feel uneasy when I talk about my brother and almost ashamed as well.  Overall it was a nice walk and I knew my brother would be happy that we were honoring.  When we got back to the site; I put up a poem I made for my brother. As we were heading for the parking the deck; the sun came back out and it warmed up again. I knew it was my brother smiling and giving us a sign that he was ok.  It was a touching moment. I am hurt he is not here but at least I know he is safe and with God.  I am so happy I went on this walk despite the preceding anxiety and the fact I feel disappointed that no one could show up; it worked out well in the end.  Things always work out for the best when we have faith.


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Learning to manage my depression

Since this semester ended I have been in a depressive slump. I went from waking up at the same time everyday; going somewhere; feeling productive and needed; to back to an unpredictable schedule with a lot more free time; this is dangerous for my depression. I find myself staying up later; feeling isolated; ruminating while everyone else is sleeping peacefully; staring at my computer for hours on end; I hate it. I hate depression so damn much and I realize it is a chemical imbalance and there will be times where no matter how hard I try I will be depressed. I will have this the rest of my life but last night a thought came to me and it was the fact that I had allowed to depression/mania to take over; I had made no effort to manage it. And when I say manage I don’t mean pills ( although I am medicated) or doctors; I mean there are things I could be doing everyday to alleviate this depression and I am just sitting here feeling sorry for myself instead of taking action. For me the best form of treatment is waking up at a decent hour everyday ( between 8 and 10 am); no more late nights if I can help it. You feel so alone when you stay up all night and sleep during the day; It really messes with your system.

In my early 20’s I used to wake up in the afternoon around 1 or 2 pm; I would stay up sometimes until 7 or 8 am in the morning; this was when my depression was at it’s very worst and I was at my craziest. I’d stay up all night talking to people online; sometimes meeting them ( something I regret) I might go to an all night dinner by myself and nothing is more lonely than being at a crowded Denny’s at 3 am; sitting at booth by yourself; realizing you have no one in your life; smoking and eating bad food. I had a friend who seemed to have the same sleep schedule as me; he’d call me in the middle of the night and we’d hang out; we sometimes meet girls he had talked to online and I find myself downtown at 2 am; wondering how I ended up there; and the strange thing I was sober. I even remember driving with him and 2 other girls to the beach when I had been up for over 24 hours; it was a terrible way to live and I never want to go back to that. If I don’t take care of myself; I know I will find myself back there and it is a dark lonely place.

So today I decided I was going to take action. I woke up around 10 am; had a nice breakfast and checked my blog and facebook. I then decided that I would go to the gym and work out some of this anxious energy; I went for about 30 minutes; I felt great. It wasn’t an intense workout because I hadn’t be back for months but I felt like I had done something healthy for myself and it elevated my mood. I plan to make this part of my regular schedule; a family member of mine suggested I join a writing group and although I am fearful; that might be a good idea. It would be nice to meet other writers in person; a place where I feel belong. Because I am lonely; I feel misunderstood which only adds to my depression. So yes I have depression but I don’t have to let it engulf me; I can give it the finger. I fight the depression by writing; taking caring of my physical health; reaching out to friends ( even if they live far away). I don’t have to allow this depression to control me and everyday a new day; a new chance to feel better on an emotional level.

Thanks for listening

God’s rainbow

My friend made this beautiful post on my Facebook and it really moved me; rainbows have a very special significance to me as does my faith in God. This is what she said:

Can you see the little break in the clouds with the rainbow poking through?

Sometimes we can’t see the whole rainbow, just like sometimes we can’t see God’s whole plan for us. Even if we can’t see it all, the rainbow is still there & we may even get a glimpse.

The clouds will pass, focus on the rainbow.



There are some days where I lose hope and I can’t cope with what life has given me and I can’t see how things will improve, every direction I move is a brick wall and I feel 2 foot small and my dreams, i want to throw it all the window.  I feel discouraged and depressed so I regress to my old ways and say ok, I want to give up with a scowl on my face, i feel like a hopeless case stuck in the same place.  I try to calm myself down and my frown is replaced with a smile when I realize I’ve been here before, when I wanted to walk out the door because I couldn’t take anymore and I swore I would give up but I never did, even as a kid I never I gave up.  It may be hard to see the light but keep doing what’s right and fighting with all your might cause tonight may be tough but tomorrow won’t be so rough.  Wake up and face another day, start to pray and find a way and say “There is hope and I won’t give up”

God is working overtime

There are no coincidences in this world. God is constantly trying to speak to me. I was driving to my first day of internship and I was feeling upset because I had lost my temper earlier ( I spilled something on my pants and didn’t have another pair) I was upset myself for losing my cool.  As I was driving I was trying to calm myself  down because I was nervous and I felt bad about my behavior. Usually I have the radio on to calm my nerves.  I was listening to the radio and a old song came on that someone had mentioned on my facebook.  I am not sure but I was impressed that someone my age would post lyrics to such an old song and I thought, hey I’m not the only person who listens to outdated hippy music.  Anyways as the song came on, and the lyrics were about the dawn and all of a sudden I felt blinded by the sun as I drove.  I realized at that very moment that God was  talking directly to me. I said out loud ” I get it”. It’s all I could muster and before I knew it, I was crying. I don’t cry even though I’m sad but I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks because it was such a powerful moment. I seem to only cry when I am driving and a song comes on and I’m overtaken by the emotions; it’s happened before.  God is working overtime in my life. Things are happening that I can’t explain; good things. I am overwhelmed with gratitude towards God and so damn blessed, it’s not even funny. God is telling me, things are ok, Dave, I love you and many others do as well.  Sometimes I feel that I am not worthy of God’s love because of past mistakes but maybe that’s why I cried. No matter how much I beat myself up and am riddled with guilt; God is there to pick me up, comfort me and forgive me. I am a sinner, man, so I need forgiveness everyday.  I have this message for anyone who struggles in life, has no belief in God or is questioning God’s love. I understand, I do. I get it; more than you realize. Just know God is real; God loves you and no matter what you’ve done, his love doesn’t wane He is waiting for you with open arms, you just gotta ask. He really is a righteous dude and he’s got your back.  So be strong and let God enter your life. God works in mysterious ways and I’m living prove.

Peace love, harmony


Doubting God

If I ever doubted the power of God; my doubts have been disproved.  The last 4 months of my life have been nothing short of miraculous. I spent years; no decades; doubting God. I knew there was a God but I thought he’s forgotten about me; shortchanged me, left me to deal with all of this pain on my own. I felt no one besides my family cared about me and that getting on my knees and praying to God was pointless because he didn’t listen anyways. If God listened, my brother would still be alive, I wouldn’t be sick all the time, I’d have a better paying job and I wouldn’t be an depressed, anxious wreck. But something happened that defy explanation. I started praying; really praying; with all my heart; asking to be a better person.  Almost immediately I start handling situations differently; I didn’t need to lose my temper every time I was upset.  I didn’t have to hold on to bitterness; I could forgive; through prayer I gave it to God. I didn’t need to escape from my problems through bad habits; I could use prayer instead.  I could use to my writing to connect with others so that I had a support system which has been helpful during tough times. Before I accepted God’s love I didn’t know how to connect with anyone, I couldn’t share my feelings because I didn’t think anyone cared; turns out i was wrong. I am seeing that God is working in my life through the people I meet. If I tend to repeat myself it’s just that I am so overwhelmed by these positive changes that I have made with the help of God. I can’t help but sing his praises  It’s so surreal, it feels as though I am dreaming and I am going to wake up any day now. As I sit here I am wearing a cross someone just sent to me. Gifts like these are gifts from God, these things were not happening 6 months ago; I am truely blessed.  Today all I could think about how was when I wear this cross, I can feel God protecting me. So even though I doubted God all those year; he never gave up on me. People have given up on me but God didn’t. And what is even more amazing is that I didn’t seek God out; he seeked me out; through signs and acts of kindness through my friends. At this point I would have to crazy to doubt God’s love. God is everything to me at this point and I will continue to try to do his will to the best of my ability. God is good. Amen.