Fear overtakes me, I feel alone, stuck between these four walls; with only my anxious thoughts and the flickering lights of technology, my only window to a world that is increasingly shrinking, we are trapped in our cocoons or like a hamster in a cage; spinning that wheel just to stay sane.
Fear makes us on high alert and the answers to this puzzle fade into the contaminated air and the comfort of a hug or a pat on the back is lost, evaporated, just like our hopes.
But is there hope in this seemingly hopeless situation? The ship may be sinking but we are all in this together, holding on for dear life, we can comfort each other, erasing the division among us.
Right now, we are human beings, scared and suffering and we must love and care for each other, be a human life raft for others in the sea of disease and fear.
Love others with all of your might, comfort the sick and the anxious wrecks that are overcome with the uncertainly of an unpredictable world they cannot control.
I love you, sisters and brothers, together we will get to the shore safely if we practice precaution and love. I love you, stay safe and take care of yourselves. ❤❤❤
It has been quite a long while since I have updated my blog, my mental health advocacy has been focused on social media and that has been thriving, I have created groups, I do live videos and collaborated on Podcasts. Also since I last updated my blog, I managed to get my college degree and continue with my volunteer work and I am currently looking for a job but now everything is put on hold due to the Coronavirus health scare.
Since Corona, everything seems to be shutting down, my volunteer work has been canceled for the time being and I stopped the job search because of the anxiety regarding going out in public. I am not sick, but due to high anxiety, I haven’t left the house since Thursday and am scared to do so, I will not out in public with any crowds, I am trying to minimize my risk but all of this is creating so much anxiety and depression with me.
I also was on a strict diet and my digestive and bladder issues were improving greatly but with store shelves empty, I may have to eat and drink what I can get, this is so frustrating. And not only is the virus itself concerning but people’s reaction to the virus is making me angry and irritable. As someone with digestive issues, I rely on items such as toilet paper, soap and gluten-free/dairy-free foods and there is a shortage of those right now. And it because of people’s selfishness that the most vulnerable and sick suffer even more. It all feels out of control and I feel helpless because there is nothing I or anyone else can but wait to see how it plays out.
The bright side is that I am reaching out to my friends online, I am continuing to speak out about mental health and use my struggles to help others, I am honest and vulnerable and reaching a lot of people, which is something I’m proud of that. I am doing self-care, lots of music, movies, hot baths, journaling, whatever I can do to keep my sanity, I am going to try and venture out tomorrow for a nature walk, it might do me some good. I can’t continue to live in this constant anxious and depressed state, it’s no good for me. I will continue to pray and I feel at this time that it will be a good idea to update my blog more as another means of emotional support. Thank you.
Big changes coming my way, the universe is lending me a hand after decades of silent indifference.
These changes are earth-shatteringly amazing, a flow of good vibes which I received with open arms and a sprinkle of gratitude.
My heart melts on the hot pavement as I jump for joy, sweet relief from the longstanding suffering that was normality, not quite a perfection but a sigh of relief, I’ll take a pebble of improvement and run with that.
I just want to share two status I made on Facebook related to gender roles and masculinity and femininity
I think men who are more interested in traditionally female traits like the arts like writing and music and who are expressive with their feelings and able to relate better to women than men are seen as different in a bad way. A lot of men will wonder why this man can’t make friends with other guys. And they make assumptions about this guy’s masculinity or lack thereof. Because femininity in men is seen as a weakness and I think some women believe this as well, depending on how they were brought up. There is so much stigma about men and sensitivity, The patriarchy hurts us all. it is a constant battle but I do my best to talk about these things openly because I know there are men out there like me who feel the way. And as a man who is sensitive and expressive and hates toxic masculinity, I want to lead by example
I stand up for women because they have been always been my biggest supporters, the ones who accepted my sensitivity, the ones who have been there for me when I struggle with mental health, the ones that help me advocate and who inspire me with their writing and support my writing as well.
I hate how society treats women, it’s unfair and they deserve better. I try to be a man who speaks up when I see things are wrong and am facing my fears by speaking my truth.
I say this often but thank you, women, for all you do, for putting up with how some men treat you and for continuing to overcome obstacles and break barriers. You always have my support ❤
I have to tell you something, I have a bully. It seems like no matter where I am, he is always there to criticize and belittle me and doesn’t pass up an opportunity to make feel worthless.
When I’m doing well, he likes to remind of the mistakes I made in the past, he tells me no one likes me. He tells me I’ll never make friends and I have no worth whatsoever.
When I’m doing well, he likes sneer and say it won’t last and that I don’t deserve the good things in life and that any praise is just a veiled insult because no one anywhere is my friend, he says no one cares about me.
He tells me that I’m the only one who feels this way and it’s funny to him; that I feel alone. He says don’t tell anyone how you feel because they’ll just laugh. Remember the times you did share your feelings and they did laugh and ostracize you? Its going to happen again because you deserve it.
It hurts so much when he says all these things, I try to tell myself that he’s a bully and that everything he says is a lie but I always believe him. This bully hates me and wants to see fail and I have never found a way to stand up to him because he has always bullied me my whole life. The worst thing about that bully is that the bully is me.
Sometimes we think we are alone when are struggling but there are those right next to us dealing with the same exact issues.
I went to this social event; it was a dinner and I didn’t realize so many people would be in this house and immediately I got sensory overload and felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. I felt really self-conscious and after debating in my head, I left; feeling frustrated and just mentally drained.
I was going to go home but instead I just parked somewhere and made a video about social anxiety ( I won’t post it) and afterwards I felt a little better, I was able to get all of that pent up emotion out.
I decided to go back and have dinner there. One of the guys was there, I talk him to a lot and he is such a nice dude. I was telling him how I needed to get out of there and he was like “Oh yeah, I have the same thing and I am struggling with it now too” He told he had to find a quieter corner of the house because he anxious. He also kind of gave me ideas what he does when he has social anxiety, it was great!
I instantly felt so relived that I wasn’t the only one and as I was talking to him, I felt much calmer. I focused on talking to him and few other people and the anxiety got better.
It goes to show that we are never alone and its not always the right time to talk about anxiety but sometimes it helps to know someone else is dealing with it too. I hope someday to be able to handle large groups of people until then I was strategize and do the best I can.
I love you guys and am so happy I have a safe place here to talk about this and get so much support. Much love
A short and sweet blog post today
Depression in men is so overlooked. There are much less resources for us, most articles I come across are written from a female perspective with little input from men. I have even read articles that say men suffer from depression less. Bullshit! We are less heard and there is a much stronger stigma for us for reaching for help; somehow seeking treatment makes us less than men. When women speak out, they are brave, when men speak out, they are complaining, they need to be strong and keep it together. It makes me feel frustrated and angry at the time; as if our pain is less. We are in pain too, you know, we just aren’t allowed to express it publicly. I’m trying to change that. I want to encourage other men to speak out about depression and I hope some day to maybe create a support group for men with depression or a website or something because we need help too