Things are getting better

Anyone who has been reading my posts knows that I’ve been struggling since the loss of my job and feeling depressed with nothing to do.  I managed to get this woman’s number at work and we texted a few times but soon after; she just stopped responding and I felt rejected. It has happened so many times that it was just a sad deja vu; it just reminded of all my dating failures; I just can’t connect and it hurts really bad.  A few days ago during a windy storm; the power went out in the middle of the night and the house was pitch black. I stumbled through the dark; trying to find the light ( a metaphor perhaps) and I had nothing to do but to sit in the dark. I thought about being unemployed, trying to go back to school, what to do with all this free time, why this girl I hardly knew wasn’t interested in talking to me.  I felt the need to just pray at that moment and ask God for guidance ; when I am at my lowest point I always turn to him. I know a lot of people aren’t religious and I respect other people’s beliefs but God is a big part of my life.  I don’t use religion to judge others or moralize; I use my faith in God to have compassion and love for everyone; especially those with disabilities and the downtrodden.

Anyways I decided that I couldn’t sit in the dark all night so I went to Walmart to buy some candles in the middle of the night; it was scary, the traffic lights by my streets were off; so it was really dangerous.  What’s even crazier is that the next traffic lights worked and all the business’s were lit so it seemed like our neighborhood was the only place in the area out of power.  After Walmart; I just drove around; trying to charge my phone and just thinking; it was eerie; no cars on the road and I was trying to think about the direction I was going in my life; alone; just total loneliness.   I drove almost to where my college was ( about 30 mins); sat in a parking lot and sat for a few minutes and drove back home.  I got back to my neighborhood and to my relief the power was back on; I could finally get to sleep.  I had planned to go to bed earlier but all the stress kept me up plus I cannot sleep in complete darkness or without my air cleaner.

When I got home, I wrote a poem about rejection and went to bed.  The next day I got a message from a fellow writer on Instagram; she tweeted my poem and suggested I joined Twitter. I was weary because of all the political bullshit and bullying but I found she was part of a really positive writing community and through the pain of writing ; I found a lot of support; which is what I needed. So things happen for a reason.  I can use twitter to find support, support others and promote my writing; what a blessing.  In fact all of my social media has been growing; I am getting constant supportive messages and comments and connecting with so many writers and disability advocates; it’s been amazing. So while I felt low; all that support made the difference; I realize that that girl not liking me is pretty insignificant compared to all the people I’m reaching with my writing; I don’t have to feel alone  anymore; I have thousands of people i can reach out to; that sounds amazing when I think about; surreal; it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it. I even found out about this writers group in the area through Instagram and I will try to attend this weekend; I hope to meet fellow writers and creative people.

I also got an email this week from my college; stating that since I only had a few classes to graduate that they were offering me a full scholarship; they’d pay for my class,books and any other fees. It couldn’t be real so I met up with someone today and he confirmed it; all I have to do is sign up. I am beyond excited and blessed right now; school is so important to me. God is handing me all these opportunities and I don’t know how to express my gratitude.   I just can’t wait to be able to call myself a college graduate and get a job in the disability field; it’s my passion.  So even though my job didn’t work out; it opened to the door to this great opportunity and I am going to take it.  I think God has a calling for me and this is it. Oh and speaking of that; I am going back to volunteering with the disabled ministry this week; I missed them so much and I am sure they’ll be happy to see me. I went to church on Christmas eve and one of the young adults was there; she was excited to tell me about everything I missed.  All those young adults make my day; they are all so kind and sweet and just wonderful people who I refuse to define based on their disabilities.  So yes, things are getting much better. All I had to do was ask God for help and have faith he would take care of me and he is., I thank all of you for your wonderful support. This blog is my life at this point; I cherish it and I will continue to blog and update everyone on how I am doing.

Thanks for listening,



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New Year goals 2019

New Year Goals

Well, a new year is upon us and it has been quite a incredible year for me; I made a lot of progress and really grew as a person. I pray that 2019 will also be a good year for me; I plan on making the year to come a very successful one; I’d like to improve myself on a mental/emotion, spiritual, social and financial/career level; all aspects of my life. I am ending the year on a somewhat sour note; being unemployed but I have perseverance and I am very driven. I am many goals for this year and I plan to achieve a lot in the coming year.

One of my goals is education; I am determined to finally get my associates degree in developmental disabilities; I want a job in the field; maybe as a job coach, a peer mentor or a motivational speaker in the future. I can sense how my writing and story has inspired others and the idea of using it to help people is something I very much like to do. I will take any opportunity to use my experience to inspire others to do their very best and not to give up; this may be one of my callings in life. I want more career aspects because like anyone else; I want to make enough money so I can be independent; I don’t live with my family by choice; I’m with them because my health issues and disabilities limits the kinds of jobs I can take; I want to push myself to do better; I think we all deserve that.

And speaking of my career; I want to continue to volunteer with the disabled ministry; I plan on spending more time with them this year; getting to know them further; and learning the skills I need to enter the human service field. It also helps me grow closer in my faith and become a more spiritual person. Through this group, I know God is working in my life. I plan on volunteering in other areas such as teaching English as a second language and other volunteer opportunities throughout the area. Now that I have all this free time; I plan to use it wisely and maybe get involved in church more as well. I think God has big plans for me in 2019 and I just have to follow his lead.

I think this will be a big year for me socially as well. I plan to continue reconnecting with friends and hopefully making new friends as well; I am trying to learning to face my fears and learn to meet new people and not avoid social situations; just to put myself out there. Something as simple as asking for a someone’s number who I’m interested in is a big step for me. Maybe dating is on the horizon for me; that is an exciting new chapter for me. That’s something that creates a lot of anxiety but I know God will guide me through whatever happens. I plan on maybe taking a trip back home to see old friends; there are so many people I want to see; just the idea of traveling is new to me but I am ready for it. I am so thankful for all the friends I have connected but am sad most of them live far away; so I have to make the effort to see them. This will be the year where I expand my social life.

I will continue to write; exploring new ideas and forms of writing; I am going to keep my blog and hopefully gain more followers and connect with more writers; I am so excited about that. With my free time; I hope to find a writers group in the area and meet fellow writers face to face; maybe get the chance to share my poetry to a live audience; I would love that. Yes writing is my saving grace and I have no idea where I’d be without it.

I figure if 2018 was such a big year; then 2019 will be even better; I just have to have faith; I need to stay positive and move forward in my life. I want to inspire and encourage others and do my part to make the world a better place. I want to be a more compassionate and forgiving person along the way; I remain in prayer and I hope for the best in the upcoming year. And I wish all of my family, friends and followers a very happy new years. May 2019 be a successful year for you; may you be blessed with all the happiness in the world




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Life update: Back at school and internship

Even though I feel stressed at times and I am balancing full time work, class once a week and an internship, I am trying my best to be positive. I am frustrated though because since I have been working full time I haven’t had time or energy to really prepare for school. During the Christmas season I was working 50 hrs a week; getting off late at night and coming back in the morning. It really screwed up my whole routine and was the worst thing for my mental health. I wasn’t even sure if I could find the time or energy to sign up for school and get in contact with an agency to secure my internship. It’s miraculous I made it this far without having a nervous breakdown; it took a lot of praying and begging God for help. I also worked with a really toxic coworker who went as far to steal my things and did everything he could to sabotage my day so that was stressful as hell, trying to keep my cool so I wouldn’t lose my job. So I was dealing that  @&%^$ and trying to keep up the busyness of working retail during Christmas. Fortunately everything worked out and I got signed for school and my internship, just in the nick of time.  So I went to my first class last week and I just wasn’t mentally prepared at all. I was in work mode when I needed to be prepared for school. Not only wasn’t I prepared but I was saddened to find out that my counselor ( who was also the head of the department) had left and was replaced with someone I didn’t know and I didn’t feel comfortable with.  I really liked my former counselor; he encouraged me and also pushed me to do my best. He always told me how great of a writer I was and he was just a likeable man. So I now have to deal with this change and I feel somewhat overwhelmed. I am asking for God’s guidance and leaning towards my online friends for support, luckily for me they are really helpful.

Then today I went to the internship to work for my first full day. I had worked there before for my first internship and again I wasn’t prepared. I was too busy working to really think about what I wanted out of this internship. It doesn’t help that I am not sleeping well because  of this stress.  At the internship we talked about creating goals to be achieved by the end of the semester. I was hoping I could man the front desk and then get some rest and sit at home ( where it’s quiet with no distractions) to really sit and think about what I want to achieve. I came to her with some ideas about setting boundaries and learning more about the agency and she said they needed to be more concrete. She said just find a place to sit and come up with some goals.    For me when it is hard come up with ideas on the spot in a noisy place where the radio is on and people have loud conversations. It’s no one’s fault because this support center for the disabled but even so I couldn’t concentrate. I did come up with an idea for a class where the clients could create a journal where they share their feelings or use it to set goals for themselves, I think that’s a good idea. But anyways, I felt frustrated that I have didn’t have a way for preparing for going back to school.  I now feel pulled in all sorts of different directions.  It’s not like I’m some 20 year kid with a part time job that has all this time to call people and set appointments or to go to school and wait in line for 2 hours. I realize this about being an adult, but it is still tough especially when you’re dealing with mental health and physical problems to boot. I just need try to calm myself and take everything a day at a time. Things will work out, they always do. I just need to be patient


New semester

I went to class and found my previous teacher/ Counselor moved to Georgia, he was the head of the dept. I really liked him and he encouraged me. I feel anxious because I don’t know this new person and I don’t feel comfortable with her yet, I don’t if know she is going understand me like the other teacher.  I  mentioned how my writing is a positive force in my life and it could help people  I felt like she didn’t understand what I trying to say,  I felt frustrated and somewhat dismissed. Change is always difficult and I am sure it will get better as the semester goes forward.