Self-doubt

I often write about feeling hurt, ignored or unloved and part of me truly feels that way despite the fact that I know in my heart that so many of my family and friends love me very much; it’s evident. I don’t hear people say we don’t love you or care about you and when I write about my struggles; I get reassurance and am again proven wrong.  In fact it seems to me that I am totally reliant on others actions and opinions of me for my self worth; which is so unhealthy; giving them all the power and leaving me emotionally exhausted. I constantly doubt myself and how I am perceived. So where does that self doubting voice come from; the one that says I’m nothing? It comes from myself and it’s not that I’m unloved; it’s that I don’t love myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t like who I see.  I don’t like how I look or talk or the way I relate to others ( which is oftentimes awkward). I’m highly self conscious about suffering from mental health and physical issues; I’m conscious I am different than others. I am conscious that I have had a difficult past which I think has defined me in people’s eyes; I have also made many mistakes which I regret. I hate being so sensitive and sometimes can be overly  emotional which drives people away. Due to being so sensitive and having many feminine traits ( writing, sharing my feelings through writing, having a disinterest in sports and other masculine traits; studying in the helping field) and being more comfortable with women in a platonic sense that people may question my sexuality; when I’m actually straight  ( I could be wrong, maybe it’s in my head) People are quick to make assumptions based on outdated gender roles. And I don’t like putting myself down but it seems to be automatic; no one has been more cruel and demeaning to me than myself. I put too much pressure on myself and nothing i can do is ever good enough for the expectations I set for myself. Even as I am writing this I am realizing I am talking too much and thinking the reader is already tuning this out. Projecting? Is that the term? As you can tell, I am totally self obsessed; it’s hard for me to stop talking or thinking or writing about myself; completely self absorbed, I know. All these traits make me dislike myself so much and question why anyone would want to know me and be my friend. When someone ( outside of my family) says “I love you” what I really hear is ” I love you in spite of..  in spite of the fact you are weird and crazy but I love you anyways. That’s my own self hatred talking; feeling totally undeserving of love. And they often say ” How can you love anyone if you don’t love yourself?” If I thought about it; I am deserving of love; everyone is. I see myself as an incredibly kind and understanding person who is passionate about helping others particularly the disabled ( I am studying to work with those who have developmental disabilities) . I will always befriend the one person in the crowd that doesn’t fit in and is ostracized; I am drawn to them. I’m a person who isn’t afraid to express his emotions openly and sensitivity  can be an asset at times. I care about the people in my life deeply and I use my writing to try to connect, relate and hopefully help others who going through similar circumstances. I think I am a determined man; I never give up; not matter how many times I get knocked down; I get right back up; I am strong. So given all that I should love myself, right? Maybe people haven’t always been kind to me and I took it to heart. For all the people who loved me over the years; there was an equal amount of people who hurt me and made me feel like I was nothing. You can’t be bullied at 8 or 9 years old and come out of it loving yourself. I hope by writing that I can figure out why i am the way i am

Why am I so sensitive?

Why am I so sensitive?

All my life I have been told I am sensitive; and for the most part it has always been a compliment; although at times I didn’t take it such. I have always been very expressive and open about my feelings and it has its benefits and it’s disadvantages. I also get hurt easily which is why I always had difficulties making friends. People can see I’m easily upset and they just avoid me which makes me feel even worse. I spend my days in constant thought , where I’m going in life, past experiences. I also think about how my friends are feeling and when they hurt; i empathize and it affects me. In college, whenever we would have discussions about gender, I would shake my head. I could never relate when they talk about how men thought. I said to myself, I don’t think that way. I don’t hide my feelings, no one has to force me to be open because I’m quite vocal. I don’t care about sports or any stereotypical guy stuff, so for me it’s an uncomfortable subject; gender roles. I’m not sure if it is how I was raised or if I was born that way. I mean, no one ever sat me down and said ” This what a man is, he’s tough and plays sports etc” My parents never discouraged me from expressing myself or said I was too sensitive, in fact I would say at least my household, it was encouraged. It wasn’t until I got to school and realized that being a sensitive male was not a good thing; it made me a target and I learned that if I was to survive in school that I shouldn’t be so sensitive, at least around the guys. I have not always embraced my sensitivity because I saw it as something unmanly. When a beautiful woman who I had just met told me, you seem so sensitive, I wasn’t quite sure if it was a compliment or an emasculating insult. We are trained think that sensitivity in a man is unattractive to the opposite sex; so we hide it so we can appear more masculine. Except you are trying to be something you are not and you end up being a miserable shell of a human being incapable of having a relationship with any woman because you are constantly suppressing your feelings. The question I have is: Why am I this way? I don’t like being so sensitive at times but I can’t seem to help it. I hate talking about my feelings all the time yet here I am doing it. I know there are other men like me out there but I have yet to meet one in person ( Maybe they are too scared to admit it, I don’t know). A part of me would love to be the tough masculine guy that plays sports and has all this confidence ( Alpha Male, I think they call it); the guy who is control and can handle any situation. I would love to be that dude but I can’t; no matter how hard I try. I feel less than at times and am ashamed at how sensitive I am. Then I realize, maybe I not the one with problem. Maybe’s it’s a society that has a narrow view of what masculinity is and that none of us guys can live up to it. Maybe we are raising men that have heart-attacks at age 50 because they stuff their feelings and the stress is literally killing them. Or we’re raising men that need to dominate and control every woman they come across; being manly to them is having power over women. He’s the man in the relationship; he wears the pants. The only ways men can express their feelings without judgement is by anger. And sometimes that anger turns into violence. Maybe that’s why we live in such a violent society because men are raised to solve their problems with their fists ( or many cases a gun) than their words. Now that I think about it, something is very wrong. Maybe it isn’t me. Maybe I’m fine and it’s them. Even though it is embarrassing, I will continue to be sensitive even if it has it consequences. Not allowing boys to grow up to be sensitive men does us all a disservice. I realize we need masculine men as well but can’t the tough guys and the wimpy guys like me coexist?.