Letting go

I’m letting go, I’m moving on, I’m starting anew and my heavy heart is lighter, I don’t walk away in anger or bitterness, I  forgive what I don’t understand, and I don’t question it.  I focus on myself, my healing, forever healing, acquiring patience, peace is a journey but one that must be taken without fear but with both feet moving forward, gently reaching that destination wherever it may be, the mind will clear, the burdens will lessen and the heart will once again beat with love but for now I’ll settle for acceptance.

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Somewhere out there

One day, I am going to find someone who likes me as much as I like them, someone who can look past my nervous foot-tapping and anxious sighs, someone that accepts for me for me, someone I can connect with, I don’t have wait in vain for a response because they’re always there, someone who’s there for me as much as I’m there for them, someone to laugh with and a shoulder to cry on when I need a friend, mutual smiles; give and take. I hope and pray that someone is out there somewhere, I’ve yet to find them but I have patience 

Dave

I saw you

It’s funny, the things you remember. A long time ago, I was at the movies with my friend, we’d go every Friday night. We were hanging after the movie, waiting for his dad to pick us up. I think I was about 17.

 

All of a sudden, I saw you standing there with your friends, I was intimidated because I didn’t know them and maybe knowing me would embarrass you, we didn’t run in the same circles. I called your name and you kind of laughed hard, like you weren’t sure of who I was. I remember you said something like “Oh hey man, it’s you” or something.

 

I realize you were totally gone and it was weird to me because I always saw you when you were straight and I didn’t know how to respond and I realized you weren’t going to remember me talking to you so I quickly went back to my friend.

 

Not sure why this memory came up. It was 20 years ago and irrelevant but as I write, I find this memories popping back up and I must make sense of them. The curse of being a writer, I guess. Why do memories and the past matter so much to me? And why can’t I look back without feeling the pains of sadness and a lump in my throat. And why do I remember things that other people have long forgotten?  It’s a mystery to me, I’ll never understand.

 

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Social anxiety hurts

Sometimes we think we are alone when are struggling but there are those right next to us dealing with the same exact issues.

 

I went to this social event; it was a dinner and I didn’t realize so many people would be in this house and immediately I got sensory overload and felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. I felt really self-conscious and after debating in my head, I left; feeling frustrated and just mentally drained.

 

I was going to go home but instead I just parked somewhere and made a video about social anxiety ( I won’t post it) and afterwards I felt a little better, I was able to get all of that pent up emotion out.

 

I decided to go back and have dinner there. One of the guys was there, I talk him to a lot and he is such a nice dude. I was telling him how I needed to get out of there and he was like “Oh yeah, I have the same thing and I am struggling with it now too” He told he had to find a quieter corner of the house because he anxious. He also kind of gave me ideas what he does when he has social anxiety, it was great!

 

I instantly felt so relived that I wasn’t the only one and as I was talking to him, I felt much calmer. I focused on talking to him and few other people and the anxiety got better.

 

It goes to show that we are never alone and its not always the right time to talk about anxiety but sometimes it helps to know someone else is dealing with it too. I hope someday to be able to handle large groups of people until then I was strategize and do the best I can.

 

I love you guys and am so happy I have a safe place here to talk about this and get so much support. Much love

 

Dave

 

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The path

The future seems uncertain and the road I’m walking seems dark, full of potholes, it’s windy and I hear wild animals screaming my name.

 

I have no idea where this road leads but I can’t go back to where I am walking away from.

 

I shake from fear but I carry on, wherever this takes, I must finish this journey.

 

As I sit down to catch my breath, I find a a lit pen beside me on the grass, this pen will be my light that can help me combat the darkness as I walk this path.

 

Through the light, I can now see others beside me, they are on this road too. I never realized that they were there, the darkness hid their faces and I somehow failed to hear their footsteps alongside mine.

 

Now I take comfort in the fact that I am no longer walking alone. We may not be going to the same destination but at least we are on the same path.

 

 

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Trust your gut

Trust your gut, it will always guide you in the right direction, keep your antenna up, ready to pick up signals of deception and manipulation, smiles and sweet words can be deceiving but you want to believe it, so you fall for it every time, desperate to be understood and in serious need of help, you’re vulnerable, out there in the cold wind, without a branch to hold on as wolves surround you, they see you as their next meal. How can you survive in this harsh environment, where you are prey without a pack to turn to?

 

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Moving to the big city

I used to live in a small isolated town, full of dark country roads that went nowhere. I never saw my neighbors or heard their voices and though I screamed for someone to answer, I got no reply, the silence was deafening. And while it was lonely, it was the only existence that I knew, I didn’t know what was out there because no one told me. So I packed up my belongings and went searching to find the place where I belonged, somewhere where I could be seen and heard and my cries could be answered with love and acceptance. I found a city to a live in with hustle and bustle, I went from lonely country roads, to traffic filled super highways that lead to the rest of the world and I felt alive. I screamed and those around me on those busy streets screamed back “I understand”. And I did feel understood among the crowd. I’m never leaving this city, I’m never going back there. I’m safe and secure within the city limits and I couldn’t be happier.

Feeling rejected

I don’t why rejection affects me deeply.  I spend a lot of time on social media and I communicate with a lot of people from the past, people I grew up with, people who know my family and were friends with my brother.  I checked my feed today and saw a post from the friend I stayed with when I came back home. She had a reunion with our old friends ( all of whom grew up with me and were there when my brother died)   One of the person in the photos is someone who I knew for as long as I can remember, she was really good friends with my brother and cared about him.  Well about a year ago, I made multiple attempts to add her to facebook, including sending her messages with no avail, she ignored them all. She added me on instagram but I am not sure if she realized who I was since I didn’t use my name and she never communicated with me. I was really hurt and felt rejected. I even saw her parents online and my requests from them were also ignored. man, did that hurt.  Like the whole family doesn’t care about me. And I can see she is pretty much friends with everyone else in our group and I can see that she makes trips to see them and whatnot.  I try to realize everyone has choices and doesn’t have to add someone that they don’t want to talk but it doesn’t hurt any less. I wonder if I serve as a reminded to her of something painful she doesn’t want to think about. But whenever I see a photo with her and a mutual friend or an interaction, it really stings. We weren’t great friends but I knew her all my childhood up until I graduated high and she hates me. I want to communicate with people from the past, it helps, I need their support and I get rejected. I wish it didn’t bother me so much but it does.

Today was a better day

I am now making it a priority to write in blog everyday because I really feel this is going to help me. Thank you everyone for all your support, sometimes I can come off bitter when I am struggling.  I think sometimes when I am depressed, I want help but at the same time I don’t, I just wanted to isolate myself and be left alone, it’s a strange paradox but I think a lot of people can relate.

Anyway I woke up today and decided that I would reactivate my social media since it had been a week and while it can be frustrating, I do find the support on there to be helpful at times.  I made a post about why I left and I got so many reactions and messages, I realize that people are just caught up in their own lives ( like they should be) and I am not the center of the universe.  My depression just makes me feel I am completely alone and no one cares when I know deep down inside that it’s a lie. On the contrary, people said they missed me and were concerned.  Since I post so much, a sudden silence, makes  people worried about what happened to me.  I want to help others and if I choose to stay silent about mental health that I am not helping anyone, in fact I am hurting myself by removing the support I need.  I think what hurt me the most was that someone messaged me about doing a suicide prevention live broadcast and they never got back to me. My brother took his life and his death anniversary is in less than a month, that really hurts.  I sent this person a smart message thanking them so much “for caring” and cut ties with them. Luckily I don’t know this person personally, so it isn’t much of a loss,  I don’t just like to be fucked  with when it comes to suicide prevention or mental health, I take it VERY seriously.   But I don’t want to let negative people disrupt positive reactions with others, I won’t throw the baby out with the bath water, you know.

I also was talking with a few people and decided to start a Facebook group that will discuss mental health advocacy, encourage others, talk about resources for help and maybe do some Facebook lives, I am really excited.  I am recruiting others that want to help me, those that have supported me on my mental health journey and I have already have 2 or 3 people that are willing to help, this is really exciting.  In fact if anyone is interested in joining my group, I’ll get you updated and post the link.

And I am so grateful and fortunate because while I say I don’t get much support, it’s not true.  Its the anxiety talking and it is such bullshit.  To be honest I think I get a lot more support than some others do probably because I’m willing to be so open and honest and share my life so publicly. There are so many others who are worse off than me, who reach out and receive no support, online or otherwise. It really hurts me to think about it.  I can’t tell you how many messages I’ve gotten from those suffering from depression that feel totally alone and have been told to snap out of it, I am lucky that no one has ever treated me that.  My perception about others see me is totally warped, so it’s all internal, it has nothing to do with anything people have said or done ( Beside a few, most people are really positive).  But I guess that’s depression, isn’t it?  And sometimes I may come off as ungrateful for the support I get, I am sorry.    I am just happy I have a place to share my feelings and I get feedback, not everyone has the ability to express themselves and be understood and when they do, they get no feedback and it’s heartbreaking.  I’m sort of rambling, so I’ll end it here.  Thank you

Dave

Shyness

A crippling shyness that overtakes me, the words I want to say but they never come out the way I’d like. Seeing others do this social thing with ease; hurts me beyond belief and leaves my fragile heart to break in pieces that fall to the ground. I wish I could get over this shyness; I wish I could be happy like them; but like a turtle I stay in my shell; caught up in my own inner dialogue; while the sound of talking and laughter burst my sensitive ears drums. It’s too  much to take so I step outside for some fresh air ; hoping someone will follow my lead but sadly no one joins. I’m alone but at least I take comfort in the silence. The silence of shyness; for which you’d never understand.

 

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