Big changes coming my way, the universe is lending me a hand after decades of silent indifference.
These changes are earth-shatteringly amazing, a flow of good vibes which I received with open arms and a sprinkle of gratitude.
My heart melts on the hot pavement as I jump for joy, sweet relief from the longstanding suffering that was normality, not quite a perfection but a sigh of relief, I’ll take a pebble of improvement and run with that.
A bike ride to Accotink park
I don’t have anyone to ride bikes with today so I’ll go alone. Down the pool path; past the sounds of swimmers splashing in the water. Up to the school where I spent my days playing basketball with my friends; through the field where I spent my summer evenings playing catch with my dad and brother; up the street to where my friend Doug lived; I used to go there when I was younger but I haven’t seen him in forever; I wonder what he’s up to; no time for that now; I’m off to my destination. I’m riding down to the bike bath that leads to the park; I stop for a rest and enjoy the sound of the creek and just a moment to myself. Riding the path to the underground tunnel below Braddock rd above. On the other side of the road is a trading card store I bought cards at; next to that is the dairy queen which was my first job. And down the street was the school I graduated from. I’m almost there; I’m winded already from riding my bike. As I get closer to the park I realize why I chose to come here. It’s been a year since everything happened; the day I had to grapple with the worst day of my life; numb; not knowing the details until hours later. Someone was kind enough to take me there to spare me the initial shock of what they must have gone through; A day I won’t forget. I got to the park and just looked at the lake; proud I had managed to ride so far and get there safely; it was an adventure. It’s peaceful here; watching the ducks in the lake; the sound of dogs barking and children playing. I better get home because it’s almost dinner time; back the way I came. As I cross to the other side of Braddock I ride by the baseball field where I used to play T-Ball as a kid. I remember the day where I fought with some kid during a game; with my grandfather watching from the stands; how embarrassing. I lamented to myself how bad I was at sports and yet I tried so hard and never gave up. As I rode back home it was dusk; back through the street where my friend lived; back through the school field; to the pool; up to the pool path; made a left turn on my my bike; past Matt’s house and I was home; right in time for dinner. I had quite the bike ride today indeed.
It’s dark and it’s eerie at night; silent except for the sound of crickets and in my path the flashing of a firefly. There is a stretch of sidewalk surrounded by trees on either side; the house are obscured. Its like walking in a forest with pavement. You have a sense of aloneness here; not loneliness; it’s surreal almost like this is a dream; or I’ve dreamt it and this is some kind of strange deja vu because I really feel like I’ve been here before. I can’t help but feel peaceful; this is really nice. Way better than where I lived before; much better for walking. I love the night time; less noise; more quiet; the best time to write. The daytime is too chaotic; too many people; to many cars driving by; this time of day is a cool down period; chill. I better head home though; i don’t want to be here all night. As I walk home I come across a deer and her family; I’m a little nervous because she keeps staring at me. Maybe she is as fearful as me or is bracing herself to attack me. I won’t take that chance so I cross the road; feeling her staring me down. I walk quickly into the darkness of the night; out of the deer’s sight and finally to write the very thing you are reading right now. It was good walk. Until next time… good night.
Taking a walk before it gets dark and im filled with a spark of creativity, birds singing in a tree and it fills me with a need to write as it becomes night, I hear the owls hooting somewhere out of sight; I walk on by; looking up at the sky and continue my little poem as I roam through the neighborhood. I should be walking but here i am on this corner writing instead; I’m a nightowl ;while I’m awake everyone else is in bed and everyone who read this will know what I said while i went on my walk. So talk amongst yourselves; I must be on my way
As I was taking a walk I heard the sound of kids playing basketball in their driveway;it took me back to a different time and place when I was about 11 or 12 and playing basketball in my own driveway; often by myself. Other times I would spend hours playing hoops with my friends; cooling off at the pool; taking a rest and a meal; going back to the school across from the pool to play more basketball into the night. Something about hearing the bouncing of the ball just now; sparked a memory in me. I saw myself all those years ago; not wanting it to get dark because it meant we had to go home; feeling I was part of the group and how innocent those days seemed to be. Now I am an adult and so are they; I no longer live there and I’m sure they have moved elsewhere as well. Maybe they have kids of their own; maybe they’re shooting baskets with them right now and having as much fun as we did. Time is a funny thing; you have these memories that seemed insignificant and forgettable and yet it took the sound of a basketball and the swishing of a net to bring it all back as if it happened yesterday.
*Written while taken a walk; just before dark
I have never been one to exercise. When I was in school, I always the last kid picked for kick ball; during gym class while everyone was running laps or shooting hoops, I’d be with my friend in the corner cracking jokes; refusing to take part in any physical activity. I carried that lazy attitude with me all the way into my 30’s ( I’m 35 now) All I wanted to do after being on my feet for 8 hours was to sit on the couch and watch tv; eating junk food until it was time for bed. I was always anxious and depressed; I never had an outlet for my frustration; and my mental and emotional health was in shambles. I had trouble sleeping at night because I suffer from a lot stomach and bladder issues and I was in constant state of anxiety. One night I had come home after going out; and I was sick from drinking and had gained more weight than I ever had in my life; I was not fit at all. A thought came to me that maybe if I joined a gym; I might have more luck with women ( that’s where my thinking was at the moment) Maybe I’ll met someone there instead of a bar. So I made myself sign up for a gym a few weeks later; and I wasn’t entirely optimistic. I wasn’t sure if I could lose weight, feel better emotionally or meet someone but I went to the gym anyways. I worked out and afterwards; I felt great; like I had accomplished something. I felt less anxious and calmer plus I slept a lot of better that night. I then realized how exercising was not just great to lose weight but also for emotional health. I started going 2-3 times a week; working out for about 30 mins. I started feel happier and more confident; I just looked better than before. I stopped caring if I met someone and went to the gym because I always feel great after a good workout. I also made healthier eating habits when I worked out; it was almost automatic. I found myself eating fruits and vegetable ( gross, I know) and salads. I never thought in a million years I’d be eating a salad without throwing it in the trash. I am not perfect and sometimes I skip the gym but I always regret it. On the periods of times where I stop going to to the gym; I can feel my anxiety increase and I started eating unhealthy food and I just feel depressed. I lack confidence when I don’t add fitness to my life. I know that no one wants to take the time to hit the gym after a long day at work but to me it is totally worth it; if you can sleep better, have less anxiety, look better, you can’t lose. I found that exercising did more good for me than medication or therapy ever did and it’s a whole lot cheaper. So for anyone reading this who might be depressed or anxious and looking for relief; trying exercising. You don’t even have to join a gym, you can jog around your neighborhood or do push up in your house; you can even take the stairs instead of the elevator. Look if I can do it ( A lazy man) than anyone can do it. So get up and get fit!
A lot of my blogs focus on anxiety and depression but I also suffer from terrible digestive and bladder issues which makes life very stressful. It seems that anxiety and physical problems often times go hand in hand. I am fortunate enough to be employed and for the moment because of my disabilities I have no choice to work in retail ( it sucks, I know). I am on my feet 8-9 hours and to say I am anxious is in understatement. I have to put with so much disrespect from those around me, be bombarded with loud intrusive music day in and day out and don’t have the luxury of sitting down when I don’t feel good. So for someone with IBS and other physical issues, this is hell; truly hell. I have an idea of what foods/drinks I should avoid if I don’t want to be sick but a lot of the time, I choose to ignore it. In the mornings, I am in a hurry so I stop at 711 and usually get donuts ( which are the worst for my stomach) and caffeine which makes me miserable all day. I regret it and tell myself that I should eat better but who cares, donuts taste good and I deserve that soda in the morning despite how it makes me feel. It’s hard to be productive when you constantly running to the restroom or in discomfort because of something you chose to eat or drink. I eat food like an addict smokes a bowl after work. Every time I come home; stressed from a long day, the first thing I think of is what I am going to eat. Junk Food seems like reward to me but in fact it’s a punishment. I knowingly put things in my body that I know will make me sick. It’s quicker and easier to grab fast food than to go home and try to find a healthy alternative that will taste nasty. I would like to learn self discipline and self control ( in all areas of my life) I realize I am responsible for the choices I make, no one puts a gun to my head and makes me eat Bojangles, I do that. And I have to accept the consequences when I’m sick. It also affect my mental health as well. If I am constantly sick then life feels hopeless and I go into a deep depression which in turn causes me to give up in taking care myself, it’s vicious cycle. There was a point in my life where I didn’t leave the house for days because I was so sick I am worth taking care of myself. I am my own worst enemy at this point and no one is going to hold my hand, I have to do a better job looking out for my health. I don’t want to be sick all my life; constantly complaining and lashing out when I’m frustrated. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I’m taking a stand tonight. I resolve to do better.