I’ve got some things going on and I just need to tell you how I feel. I don’t want your advice; I don’t need to be fixed; I just want you to listen. You can talk or choose to stay silent but first let me say piece. I wish I didn’t have all these intense feelings; I wish I was like everyone else; I hate being this way; I hate feeling weak but I am who I am. And some days I just need someone to talk to and I guess today it had to be you. I hope you can take some time out of your busy schedule and just let me talk for a minute; I won’t take up too much of your time. Thank you.
I am a very sarcastic person and I can come up with some pretty creative insults; sometimes we get angry and say things out of frustration; it’s normal and it happens to everyone; none of us are perfect. But there is one major trigger for me; a form of insult I can’t let go of easily and that is people making light of suicide. I was in a webchat room with this woman who was talking to hundreds of people. I am not quite sure how the conversation came to be but she said “Go hang yourself” I am not quite sure if she was repeating what someone had typed or she was insulting someone. You see, my brother took his life by hanging; so, it’s like a dagger in my heart whenever I hear people say things that and I react angrily; a knee jerk reaction. Without hesitation; I called her an ignorant moron and logged off but even know this is a stranger and it’s online; it still bothers me. What a callous thing to say. And I know this is going to sound horrible but a part of me wishes with every fiber of my being that they’d lose someone to suicide so that they might know exactly how it feels; they can feel that pain because it’s the only way they are ever going to learn. It’s this lack of empathy and I wonder why people make light of suicide. Maybe it’s because a part of them is glad that they didn’t go through it or they just don’t realize how many are affected by suicide ever year. It’s not just the depressed person but their families and friends who have to live with that searing pain, anguish for the rest of their lives with a void that can never be filled. I feel angry right now. People online think they are free to say whatever the hell they like because they don’t have to see the persons reaction or hear their voice rise in anger. I guarantee they would never say that in face to face conversation. Fortunately for me; very few have made suicide jokes in my presence; those who have were kindly told to go fuck themselves. Excuse my language; if you understood my pain; you’d know why I am so riled up. I remember in class one day; they were showing some video about lynching and I just had to walk out and I had an anxiety attack in the hall; no one understood my reaction and I assumed even if they did; they wouldn’t care. The main theme of this blog is to think before you speak and to know how your words can cause so much damage and triggers those who have lose someone to suicide or who are suicidal themselves. Just be kind to one another. That’s all I got
I saw this little story on my facebook; I didn’t write it but it was about friendship and it was beautiful. It was about friends who are there for no you matter what; even times when you are sad. I wanted to share it with my blog followers. Enjoy
It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn’t heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore’s stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.
“Hello Eeyore,” said Pooh.
“Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet,” said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.
“We just thought we’d check in on you,” said Piglet, “because we hadn’t heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay.”
Eeyore was silent for a moment. “Am I okay?” he asked, eventually. “Well, I don’t know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That’s what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven’t bothered you. Because you wouldn’t want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now.”
Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.
Eeyore looked at them in surprise. “What are you doing?”
“We’re sitting here with you,” said Pooh, “because we are your friends. And true friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are.”
“Oh,” said Eeyore. “Oh.” And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.
Because Pooh and Piglet were There. No more; no less.
I know most guys don’t want to sit at the girls table but do you mind if I sit here? I’d like to sit with the guys but they never talk to me; I try to be friendly but they just ignore me and I’m not really interested in sports or cars and that’s all they seem to talk about. I try so hard to relate those guys but I just can’t and so I stopped trying long ago. I accepted most of my friends are women and I’m OK with that. I don’t want to hit on you or ask for your number; I just want someone to talk to; I’ll ask you how your day was and we can talk about music or art or even writing; I’d love that. I love talking to the girls they are always more interesting than the guys and a whole lot nicer. So can I sit here with you girls at this table? Thanks
What is it like being a highly sensitive male?
I was talking to someone the other day we were talking about the Kavanaugh hearing; I missed a good deal of it ,but I saw some highlights online. But he mentioned how they kept asking Dr Ford about details of the night when she was allegedly assaulted and she kept saying she couldn’t remember details. And people are so quick to say she isn’t telling the truth or maybe it was someone who attacked her but it wasn’t Brett Kavanaugh because she can’t recall every single moment of this traumatic event. And it their callous attitude towards her that shows they have a complete lack of empathy about someone having to relive such a painful experience. I want to say that I have never been sexually assaulted; I have no idea what the pain of that is like, but I understand trauma very well. When that policeman came to my house and informed us that my brother was dead ; that was trauma; my life changed forever. The whole day is a blur; I can remember some things like being whisked away to the park and coming back and seeing all my friends there but that’s it. I have no idea what they said or if what I said to them; or if I even talked to them at all. So if someone asked what happened that day in detail I couldn’t tell them anything from that day; except being confused and angry. Trauma comes in many shapes and forms and affects people differently. And here’s the thing: trauma doesn’t go away; whether I talk about it or don’t talk about it; I’ll always have that trauma and I can’t get over it and shutting down only makes it worse. And so even if you haven’t experienced trauma first hand; you can see someone in pain and feel for them and try to put yourself in their shoes. You can do that, right?.
So why is it so hard for others to believe someone that is so clearly traumatized by this event that Dr Ford went through? Why do we judge so harshly and doubt this person. Why? Because she can’t tell every single little detail after the attack? She was nearly raped and you expect to or her to tell you who she talked to next; who drove her home; how long she was in the room until she escaped? You have to be kidding me. This young girl was traumatized; scared out of her mind; confused; probably in a state of an anxiety attack ( and those are very really by the way) with her heart pounding out of her chest. That is trauma and if you can’t have empathy for someone like that; than I don’t know what to tell you.
I know it is very difficult for me every time I write about my trauma ( although I feel better after) I can’t imagine someone dismissing what happened to me or minimizing ; saying it wasn’t as bad as I remember. How do you know? You weren’t there; inside my head; knowing what I was feeling. I used to think that if you hadn’t been through that trauma you have no right to talk about it; I don’t think that way anymore. I think we all need to talk about these things because it’s healing but as long as its done from a place of love and compassion. I made an earlier post about how someone had told me my brother’s death was an accident and how angry that made me. Other people have messaged me saying how much they cared about my brother and they miss him and how his death affected them. You see that is a difference. That asshole in Baltimore was saying this to me because he was insensitive cruel person ( and fortunately that has rarely happened) With the other people talking about my brother; it is out of love and not malice. Just listening to Dr Ford’s testimony and hearing the fear in her voice and the effect it has had on her 36 years later; I instantly knew that this woman had trauma and this hearing was making it worse; it was heartbreaking to watch. It’s heartbreaking how we treat each other sometimes; I think we can do better.
I want to tell a short story. I was thinking about how when I was younger every time I needed someone to talk to turned to the girls; especially after my brother died. Even though I had trouble dating girls I was far more comfortable talking with them. As I was driving home facing a rainstorm; a memory popped in my head. And I realized that was actually one time when I was comforted by a male and I don’t remember his name but we hung out from time to time. We were at an AA conference in Baltimore and I had actually been up for over 24 hours and I was really manic. We were staying at a hotel and I didn’t even have a room; so I just walked around aimlessly all night; exhausted; smoking cigarette after cigarette. Eventually later on someone let me in their room and I slept on the floor. At one point I was with a bunch of people at the Baltimore Aquarium and this guy standing next to me said he had heard that my brother didn’t actually mean to kill himself and it was an accident. By this point being in a total manic state; with no sleep; I didn’t know how to react; so I said nothing. But inside I was furious; this guy had crossed a line and i wanted to tell him to fuck off but I just couldn’t. I can’t remember exactly what happened but another friend who I had a fallen out with. Just him being there made me anxious; as if he might try to fight me or something; so I was just in bad state. And this guy comes up to me and asks whats wrong; I had my head in my hands and I was in the mist of a panic attack. I tried to tell him about being afraid of this guy that might want to kick my ass and this other dude who talking about my brother. And I just broke down and cried; I just said I just my fuckin brother back. And the dude put his arm around me and just let me cry until I calmed down. It was a powerful moment. It one of those times that got buried in my memory but came up suddenly when I was thinking about the past. It is very interesting how few men are there for each in that respect. I didn’t see him trying to calm me down as weakness at that moment; I saw it as strength because he didn’t care what anyone thought because he was making sure I was ok. Why I am sharing this I have no idea.
Sometimes I miss my old friends and what I want to say is that no matter how far we stray; true friends will always stay in your heart; wherever you are you wish they were a part of your life; then you’d know everything is all right. Friends are kind and they don’t mind if you’re a little strange cause they don’t want you to change. When you are sad and down; your friends are always around; if you are lost and alone you know you can always turn to the friends that you’ve always known; those that have shown you love when you didn’t think you were good enough and had an open ear when life got tough. I feel that it’s a bond unbroken all the word’s I have spoken to you have been true; you helped me though the toughest of times and I don’t think I’ll find another group of people who care about me so much; you’ve been such important people to me and I hope this poem isn’t too corny; but it’s how I feel and writing is only way I can deal with my feelings the good and the bad; I hope this leaves you feeling happy; not sad. I used to be fearful to share my thoughts but lately I have just had some much to say and with the help of my friends I gain more courage everyday. Thank you. Until we meet again all of you will always be my friend; so with that I will end that here.
Anyone who knows me realizes that I have been through trauma; events that most people couldn’t possibly imagine unless they have been through it themselves. It has given more a completely different viewpoint than all of those around me. Material things means much less because I realize that while you can replace a smartphone; you can’t replace your brother. I have a cynical anger that I carry with me and a burning question; why did I have to suffer so much and others didn’t? A part of me wishes they could go through the same tragedies and traumas; so they can finally get it. So they finally be forced to be sensitive; empathetic aware human beings when they realize how precious life is. It’s a terrible thing to wish suffering on others but it just seems unfair that some of us go through a lifetime of suffering while other’s skip along; carefree; bitching about not being able to take a vacation or yoga class being canceled; give me a break, man. I sound like a terrible human being; angry about other’s happiness. Maybe I’m jealous; maybe I’m tired of hurting all the time. But maybe; just maybe; suffering can be a source of strength; I have become a stronger person as a result of what I’ve been through. I may grit my teeth and force a fake smile but I have empathy for others; because I know what it’s like to be mocked. I listen attentively to people because I know what it’s like to be ignored. I put myself in someone else’s shoes because even if I haven’t gone through the same pain; I wish I had so I can fully understand what they are going through. If I had had a carefree life; I may not think that way. I may not give a shit about anyone but myself and I don’t want to be that kind of person. I care not because I might get something out of it; I care because it’s feel good to care. Before I turned to God; I asked that question: Why does God allow good people to suffer?” I don’t think anyone has an answer to that question but I do believe that God doesn’t thrust suffering on us; that is the way of the world. The world is a sick dark place and I believe God gave us free will. I do think that when we are hurting; God is there for us; comforting and he brings others in our lives who care about us and who can alleviate some of that suffering. So while I have suffered in this life; my faith has not waned. I will continue to turn to God for answers; knowing full well he has a plan for me and he loves me. With that I end it here.
It’s so easy to understand the effect others have had on you; a kind word; someone who listened to you, a friend who stuck up for you. But you never quiet realize the effect you have on others. Sometimes our act own acts of kindness towards others seems small; trivial even. I mean, it doesn’t take much to listen to someone talk about losing their job or how they hate their parents but for the person who’s talking, a listening ear means the world to them. Or encouraging them to follow their dreams could make the difference between success and failure for the other person. And often times people will never tell you the effect you have had on them and if they do, it’s many years later. I know that I have left situations thinking the person either disliked me or at best would be indifferent towards me, come to find out they were happy to see me again, it always been a surprise to me. I wonder if they remember me because I was kind or I was there for them when they needed me. In my life, I have always tried to be a good friend; loyal and there to lend an ear to a friend in need. When I was bullied, I said to myself, I don’t want to ever treat others the way they treated me. I said that to myself at 9 years and it has stuck with me. I have not been perfect and I wasn’t always a nice person and that hurts. My advice to anyone reading this is to treat others with love all of the time. When someone is sad, take the time to listen them, encourage them. What may sound like whining to you is someone begging for help. Learn empathy, just because you are not in someone’s shoes doesn’t mean you can’t understand what they are going through. Show the people in your life you care about them ( telling them isn’t good enough). Cheer them on when they succeed and pick them up when they fail. The rewards are endless because remember when you help others not only do you feel good but you get help in return when you need it; it’s win-win. So make a positive impact on someone’s life and make this world a better place.