Dark clouds

I left home with sunny skies, hopeful for a new day, as I drove further on, dark clouds hovered above me, my optimism faded along with the hope of a bright day, my smile replaced with a worried look of concern as the sky grew darker, raindrops pummeled my windshield, tears from the sky, all was lost. I turned around and went back home, defeated and back in my cocoon of a room, safe and sound .🌧 🚗 🏠

Ghosts of the past continue to haunt me, I feel the searing fire of their rejection, the loud rumbling of their laughter at my expense, their mockery lingers on in the recesses of my mind, the mere thought incenses me and fills me with shame and a punctured soul, yearning for acceptance but receiving none.

 

Those faces are long gone but the feelings remain, every new person I meet. I wonder, is that how they think of me? A punchline? The idea someone could accept me for who I am is unfathomable, so my defenses kick in. I judge before I get judged, this way they can’t hurt me, I won’t let it happen. Warped perception based on fallacies.

 

This constant worry I’ve come to realize is never based on the truth of the present but the pain of the past. Yeah, they did me wrong but that’s not today, not everyone is like that, some people actually care and I have to recognize that and accept that. The anxiety isn’t unfounded but it’s certainly not relative to everything situation today, I’m realizing this.

 

I gain peace of mind, enough to allow myself to accept friendship and love, something that’s been lacking for so long, something so vital, like vitamins for the soul. Learning, growing is what life is all about. A calmness over.

Tell me how you feel

Never hold in your feelings, it will eat away at your soul, say how you feel and the weight will be lifted from your heart, don’t think, just speak, the words will flow exactly the way they’re supposed to be, Face the fear, fight the uncertainty and regardless of the outcome you can take comfort in knowing at least for the moment, you conquered one of your giants. Celebrate this one, the relief you get from speaking your mind. And we breathe…..

The sad clown

There is a clown, his face full of makeup, an exaggerated red smile across his face, red poofy hair and stars painted around his sunken eyes, full of exhaustion and sadness. The makeup masks the hurt, a mask to keep the crowd from seeing the real him, a person they would normally shy away from but in clown makeup, he is beloved.

 

Nervous, with sweaty hands and his heart beating out of his chest, he hears the music of the circus and he knows it’s his cue to go on, although overwhelmed, it;s his job to give joy to the audience at the expense of his dignity, he knows he must sacrifice himself to make the children of the world happy.

 

He enters the arena, arriving on a tricycle for the amusement of the the crowd, their cheering and laughing breaking his fragile heart. “The show must go on” he said silently to himself. The act involved miming, riding an elephant and then ending of a banana cream pie in the face, he never got used to the humiliation.

 

As the show ended the music faded, the crowd dispersed, the lights went out and the arena became bare except for one sad clown, and the sound of quiet weeping, his tears causing his bright make up to run down his face. The only comfort he could take was that he far from the only sad clown in the world, there were many more just like him, and the moment he walked away, they’d be another sad clown to replace him, the show must go on.

 

Dedicated to Robin.

Building my support network

Lately my social media has really grown, I have added thousands of people to my Facebook, most of them life coaches therapists, other advocates, those in the recovery field and it has been such a blessing to connect with them. I have found it healing being able to share my thoughts and feelings across and get all of these amazing responses, unimaginable 2 years ago, I finally feel like I have a sizable support network and for me that is important and when it comes to support, it makes no difference whether I personally know someone or not. In fact it’s a lot easier to me to talk about mental health or advocacy with those I don’t know personally. I am talking to interesting people and in only a matter of a few weeks, I have really grown as a person. and have never felt more connected/

This week is going to be quite the busy week in regards to advocacy. Today I went on my first Facebook live discussing mental health, I was with another advocate/life coach. The discussion went very even though I was a little nervous, especially sharing my story and being so open about my struggles and past but she listened and I felt like she understood, I was honest and raw in my discussion, which I always am, I don’t usually do on video, so it was nerve wracking. But people seemed to like the broadcast and I got a lot of good feedback from everyone, it was healing, therapeutic even. I talk about mental health, my issues with disabilities, my health issues my brother taking his life and spirtuality. . It can be overwhelming to get this sudden attention, to go from feeling very alone to being connected with all these people who want to talk me, it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around it, I am anxious about all of it but also excited. I have felt rejected for so long, I have trouble understanding why anyone would want to hear me talk. But I feel this is important and I will continue to speak out on mental health and disabilities.

I am also participating in an online anxiety workshop on top of everything else, I am very busy. But this is a time of finding myself, healing and I hope maybe this might lead to a career somehow. I really believe that I have the ability to reach people and help them with my story and experience. I care, I like to listen, I encourage others and I want them to feel less alone, those are valuable skills in that field. I am not working right now and I can’t go back to retail, I want to do something that makes a difference and working retail is soul crushing and it was so difficult and emotionally draining.

And I that leads to one more thing. In talking about the past and my issues with mental health and disabilities, I have mentioned several times how I felt I was treated poorly, in school as a child and in the workplace as an adult. As I was talking live on Facebook and i recounted my issues of disabilities and mental health struggles at work, I felt angry inside. I felt angry how they put me down, made me feel inferior and never took my disabilities into account when my productivity was slow. And when I was telling this story, the other person just listened and for first time I felt like someone was as angry as me about it. Like I knew I had been treated fairly but usually people just brush it off and say ” Everyone hates their job” It was different for me, I felt isolated and helpless, I was dealing with really bad stomach and bladder issues and it was creating emotional distress and all they could do was mock the fact that I wasn’t quick enough, that makes me angry, I was treated unfairly. I realized that part of advocacy is speaking out for those who are in similar situations but are afraid to speak up, much like i was, not too long ago. But instead of letting my anger fester and destroy me, I channel it and use it make a difference, that is what advocacy is all about. In a sense I feel vindicated, all of that pain and anquish lead me to something good, something better and maybe in a way it was worth it.

I feel advocacy is my calling and I will continue to share my story, I will continue to speak out especially when I see injustices in the world. I feel God is working in my life and he is giving me all these opportunities and my life is changing faster than I could have imagined a few weeks ago, I’m really optimistic because I feel people are listening. I feel like this is my turn to shine and make something of myself. So I thank all of those that hurt me because they thought i was weak but they actually made me stronger, I rise above them and prove them all wrong. Thank you everyone who has always supported and listened to me

 

Note- I have been much less active on my blog lately, I apologize,  I have been communicating with a lot of people and dealing with an influx on comments, messages and reactions.  I am going to make more of an effort to blog more because I enjoy it.   And as soon as I can, I will post the link to the broadcast

 

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I am an IFNP personality type

I just took the Myers Briggs personality test and my result was INFP personality type aka “The mediator”. This is a rare trait and ever more rare among males. I am extremely sensitive and introverted, able to gauge other people feelings, highly creative and adept at such things as writing and learning new languages. I try to avoid confrontation and am very shy and reserved in most social situations. I clash with dominant types and find myself relating more to women that are sensitive and that are more emotionally supportive. I look for depth in conversations. I also feel things very deeply and have a need to express my feelings openly. All of this seems to be related to this personality trait, it makes so more sense now. 😁

 

A valentine’s day poem

All these years, It still haunts me and it crosses my mind more than it should.  Being the butt of jokes; wishing I could keep my mouth shut; wanted to fix it but digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole of despair as I sat there; my feelings in full view; a sitting duck; with snipers all around me; all waiting to take their shot at me. And every time I get those feelings again; I think of that moment and I recoil; trembling in fear; a dog with a tail between it’s legs. I only blame myself. Why did I feel so deeply? Why did it hurt so bad. And why don’t I have an answer. An unresolved maze of a mystery; after all these years.

Please listen to me

I’ve got some things going on and I just need to tell you how I feel. I don’t want your advice; I don’t need to be fixed; I just want you to listen. You can talk or choose to stay silent but first let me say piece.  I wish I didn’t have all these intense feelings; I wish I was like everyone else; I hate being this way; I hate feeling weak but I am who I am.  And some days I just need someone to talk to and I guess today it had to be you.  I hope you can take some time out of your busy schedule and just let me talk for a minute; I won’t take up too much of your time.  Thank you.

The fire

A fire that cannot be quenched; an insatiable burning of emotional flames rise high; the sky is now lit ; the light of inner thoughts fill the air; the coldness of the soul reaches towards the fire for warmth and an answer but only emptiness echos back from the silent screams of the mind of a hallow shell; staring into space. A vast array of feelings come to surface but are only extinguished by the flood of tears. The fire is out and we are left only in darkness…

 

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