Kurt Cobain

Not only was Kurt Cobain a great musician but he was also a man who wasn’t afraid to show his sensitive side despite how others may have viewed him, he spoke in support for women when misogyny in rock was commonplace, he spoke out against homophobia in a still very homophobic society, he was someone I think who cared much about equality in a very sincere way, he didn’t run-up to the mic at an awards show and shout it but he quietly stated his views in interviews and he was very insightful. It’s shame he was so depressed that suicide was his only option, I admire him for courage and authenticity during his lifetime and he made it easier for men like to be open about my emotions and to show my emotional and feminine side without shame. I miss Kurt, he was incredible.


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I saw you

It’s funny, the things you remember. A long time ago, I was at the movies with my friend, we’d go every Friday night. We were hanging after the movie, waiting for his dad to pick us up. I think I was about 17.


All of a sudden, I saw you standing there with your friends, I was intimidated because I didn’t know them and maybe knowing me would embarrass you, we didn’t run in the same circles. I called your name and you kind of laughed hard, like you weren’t sure of who I was. I remember you said something like “Oh hey man, it’s you” or something.


I realize you were totally gone and it was weird to me because I always saw you when you were straight and I didn’t know how to respond and I realized you weren’t going to remember me talking to you so I quickly went back to my friend.


Not sure why this memory came up. It was 20 years ago and irrelevant but as I write, I find this memories popping back up and I must make sense of them. The curse of being a writer, I guess. Why do memories and the past matter so much to me? And why can’t I look back without feeling the pains of sadness and a lump in my throat. And why do I remember things that other people have long forgotten?  It’s a mystery to me, I’ll never understand.


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The mystery train part 8

While Dave’s family and friends grew concerned about his whereabouts; Dave and Iris were settling into their new residence; an older home blocks away from the coffee shop. The house was big and Iris couldn’t help but wonder how these two starving artists could afford to live in such a spacious home when they made so little money. Iris asked Susan “How can you afford to live here?” Melanie answered the question “Well, my Aunt died a few years back and I inherited this house. “Oh” said Iris. “I’m sorry about your Aunt” Iris added. Melanie replied “ It’s ok, I didn’t know her at all but she didn’t have any children of her own and I guess she included me in her will, and it worked out perfectly because it so close to the art district” Susan chimed in “Yeah we love it here; there are so many cool people that we have to introduce you to: “I’d like that” said Dave.

Melanie and Susan gave them a tour of the house and Dave saw that they had a little room that was made to be an art studio. Dave exclaimed “Wow, who’s the artist?” Susan replied “That would be me; I’ve been painting for quite a few years and sometimes if I’m lucky I even sell one’ she said with a laugh; rolling her eyes. “It’s funny” Susan said. “When I went to college, I actually wanted to study nursing; I had volunteered at a hospital in High School and I realized enjoyed working with the patients. I guess I lost interest. I met this guy who was in the band and the next thing I knew; I had dropped out of college; moved in with this guy and some of his friends who were artists; this was all in New York and one day I just started painting; I can’t even remember how it happened but I realized I was an artist. I didn’t want to have a job that I had go to every morning; fight rush hour; put on a uniform; I wanted to be free to create and live on my own terms, you know? Although Dave had lost his memory; her story sounded familiar; he could relate somehow but he didn’t know why. He felt comfortable around both women; like they understood and could be his friends; maybe somehow, they could help him find his identity. Melanie said “Well, we only have two bedrooms and a couch downstairs; the rest of the rooms are for music and art. Dave, Iris do any of you mind sleeping on the couch? Iris thought of Dave and making sure he was comfortable and offered to sleep on the couch and not to mention she had slept on more couches than she count so she was used to it. “Sure” Iris replied. Susan said “Dave you can sleep in my room and Melanie and I can share rooms” Dave agreed; he was tired and couldn’t wait to get to sleep.

They all sat down and had a nice dinner; Iris was also beginning to feel more comfortable around them; they weren’t so bad but she still felt protective of Dave; he was vulnerable and in her care; she felt responsible for him in a way; he was like a lost puppy dog in need of its mother. She just hoped that Dave could find his way. They continued to talk and get to know each other. Iris asked Melanie about her music career. “So how long have you been playing music, Melanie?” Melanie replied “Oh my dad taught me guitar when I was little girl so I’ve been playing since I was 9 or 10 and I was also a band geek in school; I played trumpet; I had the braces and glasses and everything “she laughed loudly. “I moved out right after high school and played in a few bands; lived with a few guys and traveled from place to place; I actually grew up in Ohio believe it or not. I moved to Seattle about 5 years and both of our exes were in a band together and that’s how we met” “Interesting” said Iris. Susan said “Yeah ,we got along great and even though we both broke up with our boyfriends; we remained friends with each other and one day Melanie calls me out of the blue and says she inherited this house and if I could move in; I was like hell yeah. We were both living in small apartments; just struggling; so, this was a great step. We’ve been living here about 2 years, right?” “Yeah, it will be 2 years this May” said Melanie. Dave was fascinated with these women; they had such interesting stories but he couldn’t help but be frustrated because he had nothing to add; his memory completely erased and he feared it may never come back. Iris noticing his concern put her hand on his shoulders and said “You ok, honey?” He replied with “Of course” but they both knew that was a lie.

After dinner Melanie and Susan looked at each other and then asked both of them “Sooo… do you guys smoke?” she pulled a bag of weed from her pocket. Dave wasn’t sure if he had smoked before ( he had many times but those memories were gone) so he was little nervous but Iris look excited and exclaimed “Oh it’s been awhile but yeah, I’m down, Dave have you ever smoked weed before, oh wait I’m sorry, that was a stupid question” Dave looked embarrassed and replied “ I could try it, I guess” The girls ( including Iris) all giggled in excitement. Melanie said “Let’s do this” She grabbed a glass pipe from the table and packed it with a hand full of weed. “Dave, you can take the first hit” Dave nervously took the glass pipe in his hand while Melanie lit the marijuana and he took a deep inhale; his lungs felt like they were on fire and he coughed so much felt l he thought he was going to cough his lungs out. He took a few more long hits and Iris said while laughing “Pass pass puff, man” taking the pipe from his hands. They all took a few hits and soon were stoned beyond belief Melanie said to Dave “How do you feel?” when he she spoke, it sounded like an echo and it took him ages to respond and all he could muster was a “Huh?” which was followed by laughter from everything with Susan exclaiming “Yeah he’s gone” He felt scared; he had no idea what was happening in his own mind and felt anxious. Iris realizing that he had anxiety; sat him on the couch and tried to calm him down “Honey you’re alright, you’re just fucked up; lay here on the couch and we’re just going to chill, just chill, alright” Dave nodded silently; he was trying to enjoy it but maybe he wasn’t used to being high. Melanie turned on the tv and Dave got lost in a cooking show; suddenly he felt calmer and everything was funny; it was funniest show he’d ever seen and soon everyone was in a relaxed mood and was joking and having a good time; the anxiety had subsided. Dave was so stoned he couldn’t barely move and so Susan joined him; they cuddled on the couch and this would have normally made Iris jealous but she too stoned to notice. Dave thought Susan was beautiful and in his high state asked if she had a boyfriend; he never would have asked that straight but somehow it came to him and felt it was the time to ask her. She replied with “Man, I don’t even know right, now; maybe you are” she let out a loud laugh and kissed him on the cheek, Dave said “Maybe I’m am”. “Good luck” quipped Iris. Dave laughed and said “Damn, someone sounds jealous” Iris replied “Bullshit, I don’t get jealous. I just. You know. Umm” she trailed off and mumbled to herself. Iris picked up Melanie’s guitar and started trying to play to guitar unsuccessfully. “I wish I could play guitar” she said. Melanie quickly grabbed the guitar from her and started playing a nice melody on the guitar. Dave was impressed and he said “Wow, you’re good” I mean, it could have been horrible but at this point everything sounded amazing to him. Dave then went outside with Susan and they smoked a few cigarettes and just stared at the sky; both amazed by the stars. Susan said “Do you really have amnesia or are you just bullshitting us?” Dave replied with “It’s for real, I have no idea who I an or why I was on that train or where I was going, my past, my family; nothing” Susan said “That’s far out, a totally bummer, man., I’m sorry” She hugged him. “It’s cool” said Dave. “We’ll figure this shit out” “Yeah I guess we will” said Susan as lit up another cigarette. “This is nice; I’m not sure if I’ve been high before but I feel great” said Dave. “Yeah” said Susan. “With everything that happened, you need to relax and you never know, maybe it will spark a memory” she added. Dave wasn’t sure if weed was the answer but he hoping to find an answer soon.

Dave and Susan walked back and they all realized they were starving so Melanie suggested they head over to the diner that was close by; they all agreed. Dave had never been so hungry in all his life. They all walked toward the diner and Dave admired the neighborhood and exclaimed “This is such a great place to live; its so perfect here; I just love it so much; I’m just so; just so; I don’t even know” he said with a laugh. They all laughed and Iris cooed “Calm down, maybe some food will help” Dave figured she was right and replied with “You know best” and Iris retorted with an “You know it” She grabbed him by the arm and they entered the diner. They were greeted by a waitress who seemed to know both Melanie and Susan. At this point Dave was so high; he had forgotten why they were even in the diner; he just knew he wanted some food. The waitress asked “Who are your friends?” Before Susan opened her mouth to answer, Dave replied with “I’m Dave, I’m from New York.” It was unbelievable in his stoned mind; a memory finally came back to him; he WAS from New York. “New York huh?” said the waitress. “What brought you here?” Dave having forgotten what he said just replied with “What?” She knew they were high and realized that even small talk would impossible so she just said “Whatever, I’ll be back with your drinks”. The girls were not even paying attention; too busy laughing and staring at the menu or else they would have realized what just happened. A part of Dave’s memory had come back and no one noticed and Dave had forgotten it the second he said it. They ordered their food and Dave scarfed down a big hamburger with a huge plate of fries and an ice sundae; munchies in full swing; they were in heaven. They left the restaurant and walked back home. Dave and Susan walked arm in arm and he looked her right in eyes; not even caring that Iris was a few feet behind them and said “You know, you are beautiful” Susan giggled nervously and said “Really” “Yeah” said Dave in a hushed tone. “I mean it” he said. “That’s the weed talking” said Susan. “No” Dave said in a serious tone. He took her and kissed her on the lips; she blushed and he was amazed at his own confidence. She didn’t know how to respond but she liked Dave too but she didn’t know why; maybe it’s because he was mysterious; she wasn’t sure and she was too high to be able to figure it out. They walked back home; stomachs full; finally coming down and they were ready for bed. Dave thought to himself “This was a great first night, this is going to work out great” Iris was thinking the same thing but still concerned for Dave; she knew Dave needed her help but she wasn’t sure how helpful she could be; she just didn’t know. She was just tired and needed sleep; so, she shrugged her shoulders and said in a sing song voice “nite nite for me, see everyone in the morning” Dave and the girls went upstairs; leaving Iris feeling uneasy; maybe she should have stayed with Dave but she was too tired to fight her sleepiness; so, she crashed on the couch; telling herself she’d figure it out tomorrow.

Dave said goodnight to the girls but Susan asked “Dave, do you mind if I just sleep in my own bed tonight?” Dave was confused “So you want me to sleep downstairs or in Melanie’s room?” She shook her head and said “Wow, no, I mean do you mind if I cuddle up with you tonight?” Melanie headed back into her room and said her goodnights. Dave couldn’t believe his ears; this beautiful woman wanted to cuddle with him and sleep in the same bed. But what would Iris think? Oh yes, Iris. He remembered how kind Iris was and she also seemed to like him and care for him. He felt conflicted but responded with a “Sure, I guess” “Great” she replied. They crawled into bed together and she cuddled up next to him; she really was beautiful; he had meant it. He was nervous because he thought she might try to sleep with him and he wasn’t sure if he was ready for that and how that would affect Iris. “Why does Iris mean so much to me?” he thought. Dave asked “So do you want to…? Susan replied with “No, not now. I just want to be with you tonight, is that ok?” “Of course, it is” said Dave. She then said to Dave “Do you mind if I ask you a question” “Sure” said Dave. Susan asked “I know you don’t have your memory but do you think that you and Iris ever were a thing, I mean, is it something you can sense?” Dave answered “I don’t know, I feel she cares about me and that I care about her. Other than that, I’m not sure” “Fair enough” said Susan and then she turned off the lamp and they both fell asleep in each other’s arms.

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Frank Zappa

As long as I can remember I have always had an obsession with listening to music; particularly certain artists like the Beatles and the Beach Boys; always older music.  I knew about a lot of the mainstream bands; the ones I heard on the radio and the ones my parents liked.  I didn’t have a lot of access to obscure music and you have to understand this was before the days of YouTube and even downloading MP3s. So, I had to listen to whatever music was around and I liked it.   I never knew much about Frank Zappa; well, maybe I did; I heard he was a weirdo and his music was strange; so, I didn’t pay attention; as far as I knew he was a novelty act that sang silly songs that no one cared about. I had no idea whether he was alive or dead.  And then one day I was about 20 and I was in someone’s house and I was sitting in a chair and saw this cd laying next to a discman and it was Frank Zappa’s Apostrophe album.  He was on the cover and he looked weird; like some kind of typical hippy druggy of the late 60’s/early 70’s.  I decided to listen to this strange music and boy was it strange. The first song was about an eskimo boy  that lives in the tundra and his mother warns him not to drink the “Yellow snow” and not go where the huskies wee-wee; kind of crude so I turned it off and decided that this wasn’t my kind of music; I just didn’t get it at the time.  It was like a bad comedy record from the 70’s that sounded dated to me and far from anything I had heard before. It had all these instruments that I had never heard and chord structures that were way to complicated for me to understand.


A few years later; I was working at Blockbuster and I spotted this documentary (I loved documentaries) called “Rock school: (the movie school of rock was based on it) It was about a school in Philadelphia where this teacher was conducting classes on teaching kids how to play various instruments; particularly those used in rock music. They played Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Beatles and a lot of other classic rock bands; I was really impressed; especially since I wish I could play an instrument; and those kids were really good. In the documentary; the teacher was pushing the kids to learn Frank Zappa songs; it was extremely difficult since his songs varied from rock to doo-wop to R/B to jazz, to classical; he was less of a rock star and more of a composer.  While watching it I had no clue how interesting Frank Zappa’s music was. Anyways the kids ended up playing some sort of Zappa festival and it was incredible; the passion of their playing; the instrumentation, how these young kids were playing such complicated music; it was truly impressive.


After watching the movie; I decided to research who this Zappa was and why his music was so important. I found out he had died in 1993 from Prostate cancer and during his lifetime he had made 62 albums from a span of about 1966 to 1993; that is amazing output. I mean, tell me how many other rock artists released that much music? And if you count all of the records released posthumously; it’s over hundred and if you count all of the live recordings; I am sure they are more albums that are going to be released 25 years after Zappa’s death.  Frank Zappa constantly toured even if he wasn’t a mainstream musician (he was vastly underrated).  I also found out Frank Zappa wasn’t a druggy hippy (although he looked like one); he was actually very intelligent and was anti-drug; in fact, he hated hippies. He openly was against drug use and the counterculture; most of his music parodied the rock culture of the 60’s and 70’s.  He was one of the few rock artists that owned the rights to his own songs; he had his own record label and recording studio.  Zappa was never played on the radio and was too complicated for radio airplay but he did have a strong following for those who were looking for more interesting music than the Beatles or the Stones.   So, I tried to find his music; YouTube had no Zappa so I had to listen to samples from other sites.  The first album I heard was called Joe’s Garage; made in 1979.  It was a parody rock opera about a young man who used to be involved in church activities until he discovered music; created his own rock band and was corrupted; meeting a loose girl who gave him an unpronounced disease; making it hurt when he peed.  He saw a wet t shirt contest with a creepy DJ exploiting a young innocent girl who just wanted to go home on the bus.  He then gets involved with a cult and has a one-night stand with a male robot. According to the liner notes; it’s like a cautionary bad school play.  At the very end he ends up in prison for playing imaginary guitar notes.  It is way too far out to be believed but it is an incredible musical journey with a lot of crude humor thrown in but it’s good nonetheless. I was amazed that this record was made in the late 70’s; it was pretty risqué. But I soon discovered that Zappa had a crude sense of humor and loved to challenge his listeners and was avidly against censorship; particularly in music.  Once I heard this record; I was hooked.  I got his own whole discography including an album by Wild Man Fischer (but that’s for another blog) It was almost 80 or so albums and I listened to all of them. I wasn’t sure where to start but I realized that I finally understood Zappa’s music; I was more about open about discovering music as I got older. Like I said earlier the music ranged with many styles; some would be little classical snippets mixed with jazz and the next song maybe be a doo wop tune and the next would be just a rock song; all of it amazing.  There’s even an album called “Lumpy Gravy” and it starts out with some great instrumental tracks and then all of a sudden; it screeches and you are taken inside a drum where some people are trapped; having various discussions for the rest of the record (which music playing added as a soundtrack to their musings). And this album was made in 1968; it so weird and experimental and you have to have an open mind to appreciate it; I love it. But I understand why someone wouldn’t get it; it’s an acquired taste and it’s grown on me.  I think as a music listener you have to have an open mind; if you don’t; you end listening to same old bland music and that’s just boring to me.

I went through a period where all I listened to was Frank Zappa; it sort of opened my mind to different kinds of music like jazz fusion and progressive rock.  I tried to tell people about this music I discovered by no one understood; they acted like I did when I first heard it; totally dismissive.  I am not sure why I changed my mind about his music but I’m glad I did.  The other thing I forget to mentioned is Zappa was one of the most innovative guitar players ever and is vastly underrated when compared to other greats like Hendrix and Clapton. I think people think he just made silly songs with gross out humor and figure he isn’t worth mentioning but he was more than that; he was a composer.  He challenged his listeners; he made music with odd time signatures; he wasn’t afraid to turn his listeners off with classical or jazz; and I feel he didn’t care about being a famous musician; he just made music that his fans would like and made music mostly for himself; he didn’t care about the critics and I respect him for that.


Frank Zappa was just interesting as a musician but as a person as well.  Unlike a lot of rock musicians he had a disdain for drugs and actually considered himself a conservative ( although maybe not in the sense we think of);  Socially he seemed pretty liberal; he was against drugs but felt the government shouldn’t make them illegal; people should be free to do what they wanted in the privacy of their homes ( which I agree)  He was conservative is the sense that he believed in being entrepreneur ( hence why he had financial control of his music)Which is interesting since he hated Reagan during the 80’s; a lot of his songs were extremely critical of Reagan policies. I guess he hated Reagan’s social policies; like building up the military and cutting programs towards the poor.

Zappa was an avid critic of censorship. In the mid 80’s Tipper Gore and the PMRC (Parent’s music resource center) went to the senate to demand that albums that were deemed “dirty” were to have warning labels.  Zappa felt that this would hurt musician’s album sales and this was a form of censorship.  He went on various talk shows and debated the issue. I think they were expecting an ignorant uninformed rock star and was met by a very well versed; intelligent musician who could hold his own. He eventually testified in front of the senate; brilliantly explaining why warning labels were censorship and that just because someone finds music objectionable doesn’t mean it should be banned or put in a brown sleeve. 30 years later; we are still dealing with the same issues. I admire the man for standing up for his convictions; sadly, the PMRC had their way and won in the end. But I also don’t like censorship; I don’t believe it has a place in a free society. So, Zappa quite an extraordinary man to say the least.  Sometime in the late 80’s (according to interviews) Zappa was having issues with his prostate.  It was determined that he was suffering from prostate cancer and that it was terminal.  Zappa’s last work was a classic music album that was performed live called the “yellow shark” and was released in 1993; shortly before he died; he was very sick at this point.  I think music lost an interesting figure when Zappa died; he added a lot of humor and intelligence to the mix and there was no one making music like he was. Certainly no one who was making as many records or touring as much as he was; he was non-stop.   I think since his death his music has become more appreciated and understood.


I am not sure why I am attracted to Zappa’s music; maybe because it’s different; I’m a strange dude and am turned on by odd music and a crude sense of humor, I guess.  I wish I could share his music with other people but I have yet to meet someone open minded enough to take the time to listen; to me they are missing out.  But the same thing can be said for film as well; I like older foreign films that often are often experimental in person; the majority of people would never take the time to watch some of these films; and I realize taste is subjective but I can’t help but be frustrated with people being so closed minded about art and films.  Anyways I have really been really into Zappa’s music for a long time and thought I’d make a post on it. I hope some of you take the time to discover his music and keep an open mind; you might be surprised and actually like his music.




















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The girl in the mugshot




I met her for the first time in my communications class; interestingly enough.  I thought she was pretty cute but was too nervous to talk to her.  In this post I’ll call her Natalie       ( not her real name of course)   There was another girl named Jenny ( not her real name) I liked her more but looking back she seemed kind of boring and a snob; I only liked her because she was  attractive.  She seemed really smart; kind of a book worm; wore glasses.  I have a thing for intelligent women and I am not threatened by it as opposed to some men.

During the class we were assigned to do some report about a movie of our choice and we had write about the communication in the movie.  Both girls I liked were in my group and the only I really liked was Jenny. You know that point when she walks in the room and doesn’t even look at you and sits as far away from you as possible? Yeah; that was happening big time.  But with Natalie; we cracked jokes and get along and I was thinking this is great but I’m still focused on trying to get the attention of Jenny.

A week or so later Jenny made a flirty remark right before we were to go on to spring break and I assumed she really was interested. I thought about it non-stop for a week; planning to ask her out because I had no sense at the time. When we got back I saw her walk in and very nervously asked for her phone number; I didn’t even really asked her out. I’m sure she assumed it was because we were in the same group and that made perfect sense. I called her a few days later and basically asked her out; she rejected me; saying that we should focus more on passing this class ( which was sound advice) and after that I got more anxious and she got more annoyed at me.

Around this time I began talking to Natalie more.  I sort of bad mouthed Jenny to her; she agreed and thought it was funny. ( looking back never a good idea to bad mouth another girl to a girl you like).  We started chatting online and we really got along. One night we had a really long chat conversation and it was personal and not about school. We talked about partying and how her current boyfriend was abusive; he had thrown her phone across the room or something; this made me nervous; talking a girl who had an abusive boyfriend who might be trying to kick my ass if he knew I was talking to his girlfriend but I ignored all of that because hey it wasn’t everyday a pretty girl wants to talk to me. The next day something unexpected happened; in class Natalie sat right next to me.  You know they have those two desks together in row and every other seat was open; so it was strange. I sound like a little kid here but it was exciting because most of the time girls I liked avoided me like the plague ( which hurt by the way) but she wanted to get closer.  At some point she grabbed my hand and we walked  arm to arm around to the school book store; like we were going out or something. I was confused at this sudden change of behavior and thought maybe my luck had changed. I never had any luck with women.  The class eventually ended and we talked online from time to time but suddenly she unfriended me from Facebook and I figured I must have said something and was hurt.  A year or so later I was still in school and I saw her in the hall; she ran up to me to give me a big hug and was very friendly and I thought hmmm maybe I was wrong.  After that I didn’t see her for many years.

I was studying human services for disabilities at another campus about 5 years later; I was a in counseling class. It was one of the hardest classes I ever had to take; the teacher was really strict and some other girl gave me her notes just so I could pass.  So I was nervous; like everyone else.  All of a sudden this really cute girl walks in; which is a rarity in those classes.  And she looks like Natalie but I thought no way; that can’t be her but she kept looking back at me and not in a bad way. You know when someone is looking at you because you disgust them ( come on, we all have been there) but this wasn’t the case. At the end of class she came up to me excited and said “David?. it’s me Natalie!!”  She told me how good it was to see me.  She gave me this big hug and her phone number and said to call her to help with class; I was more than happy to oblige.

I have a past history of being too anxious and driving women away and I didn’t want to do this with her; I saw this as a second chance; so I waited. I didn’t call her but one day I get this call and she’s crying.  I couldn’t make out what she was saying but she was upset about class and being overwhelmed; I did the best I could but couldn’t really help her. Even after that I still liked her and I was curious to see if she was seeing anyone so I googled her name to see if she has a Facebook and a boyfriend and to my shock I found like 5 or 6 mugshots of her; drug arrests and dui’s; that explained the odd phone call and her overly friendly behavior.  I am not sure why but it made me angry; like I was judging her and thinking that she was a horrible person. After that I gave her the cold shoulder and when she asked me for help about something; I told her to go find someone else. I was really hurtful and I regret that because what she did had nothing to do with me.  Soon after that she dropped out of the class and I figured that would be the last I would ever see or hear about her. But of course the saga continues.

Last year I decided to get back on Facebook. I had this stupid notion that if I met a beautiful women I would have a social media account; that would make it easier for me to talk to her; stupid I know.  I had been to the bar once night and been rejected by every woman I approached; I went home feeling bad about myself.  I looked at Natalie’s Facebook ( I still thought about her from time to time) to see if she had been arrested again so I could revel in her misery ( I was different than I was now).  Low and behold she had a post about turning her life to Jesus; she had gone to a rehabilitation facility; found god and was turning her life around; I was floored.  It struck me like a thunder bolt; I wasn’t expecting it. Maybe she had gotten a new boyfriend or was dealing drugs     ( something crazy) but no, she was talking about God.  I saw it as a direct sign from God that I had meet this girl for a reason. I got on my knees and prayed and gave my life to God at that moment; started reconnecting from old friends from church and my life improved greatly. I messaged her a few times but she didn’t seem terribly interested in talking to me; I don’t blame her I wasn’t very nice.  After deleting some friends who I didn’t talk to on Facebook; I unfriended her as well; not out of anger but because I no longer needed to talk to her.

I realized God placed her in my life as a bridge to him; it sounds crazy; I know.  I am blessed to have met her and it took me awhile to understand the real reason we met; if I hadn’t of I wouldn’t  be where I am today.  She has no idea the impact she has had on me and I am forever grateful.  And to think if we had gone out and started a relationship; I would have lost my focus and never turned my life to God.   This is one those God things where I can’t deny he works in mysterious ways.

Have a blessed day


Late nights with my brother

A memory just popped up in my head as I was humming an old tv theme song in my head

I thought of that summer before my brother was sent away to a treatment center; it was the last time we had spent any quality together; I was out of school so I would stay up late in the night watching tv; sweating from the hot summer heat that seemed to be relentless. I have little snippets of memories which I am sure from different times; this isn’t coherent so I’ll just write what I remember as it’s in my head

I was about 12 at the time and I remember my brother smoked cigarettes back then and I have this memory of him going in the backyard; by his bedroom window; out of view of my parents. I thought he was so cool and I will never forget stepping outside one late night; being curious and asking him for a cigarette.; he obliged. I took a long drag and coughed; they were Newports; which are probably the worst cigarettes to start out with; it’s like smoking mouthwash.  Anyways I got that really dizzy buzz you get from your first cigarette but I felt cool and I wanted to be like him. I’m sure if my parents had found out they would have been so mad.

I remember we would watch a lot of tv; like old shows on Nick and Nite. At the time they were running episodes of Welcome Back Kotter and Taxi ( this was 1995) and I always loved the theme songs more than the actual tv shows; they were magical.  Or sometimes we’d turn the volume down and make fun of the tv shows. I had one of those mini tape recorders and we might do skits or slow down the audio of a tv show and laugh our heads off; we had a lot of fun. Just little memories like seeing those Time Life commercials for “Hits of the 70’s” or whatever.  It’s etched in my mind. They had songs like “All right now” by Free and “More than a feeling” by Boston; I have been trying to find that commercial on YouTube to no avail.  I even remember watching the very last episode of Full House one night with my brother during that summer.

Although there were good times where I felt close with; there were dark times too.  Sometimes my brother would just say I gotta go; don’t tell them; I’ll be back soon. When he left late at night; I would always get worried because I knew he was up to no good. I knew he was seeing friends that were bad influences but what could I do I was only 12.  I just would get a knot in my stomach when he’d go; I wanted him to stay with me; home where it was safe. And he’s come back giggling; looking spaced out and I knew he was on drugs. And I wondered if he was high all those times we had laughs and bonded; did he even remember it?. I really loved my brother but not like this; it broke my heart and if I could back in time I would have tackled him to the ground and forced him to stay home and never talk to those druggy assholes again but of course I was a kid and he never would have listened to me.

Less than 2 years later my brother would be dead; he took his own life and I miss him everyday; he was my best friend. This week is national suicide awareness and although I talk about my brother a lot; I will use this post to honor him.

I love you Joe


And every time I hear the Taxi theme and those late nights watching tv; I think of you and the last summer we ever hung out together.



Goodnight Mr Walters