I am an IFNP personality type

I just took the Myers Briggs personality test and my result was INFP personality type aka “The mediator”. This is a rare trait and ever more rare among males. I am extremely sensitive and introverted, able to gauge other people feelings, highly creative and adept at such things as writing and learning new languages. I try to avoid confrontation and am very shy and reserved in most social situations. I clash with dominant types and find myself relating more to women that are sensitive and that are more emotionally supportive. I look for depth in conversations. I also feel things very deeply and have a need to express my feelings openly. All of this seems to be related to this personality trait, it makes so more sense now. 😁

 

A valentine’s day poem

All these years, It still haunts me and it crosses my mind more than it should.  Being the butt of jokes; wishing I could keep my mouth shut; wanted to fix it but digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole of despair as I sat there; my feelings in full view; a sitting duck; with snipers all around me; all waiting to take their shot at me. And every time I get those feelings again; I think of that moment and I recoil; trembling in fear; a dog with a tail between it’s legs. I only blame myself. Why did I feel so deeply? Why did it hurt so bad. And why don’t I have an answer. An unresolved maze of a mystery; after all these years.

I saw you

I thought I saw you the other day; I looked in your direction and you were walking the other way; I thought of calling your name but didn’t have anything to say as you walked further away; I wanted to talk to you but I was too shy; I don’t know why but I didn’t know what to do so I stood on the street alone; afraid of the unknown; prone to shyness that overtakes me; if only you could turn around and see this sad poet but it wasn’t meant to be and maybe we can agree its for the best and I will end it here and next time overcome my fear, my dear friend and so this poem will end; I send my best wishes to you as you walk into the distance. Goodbye, friend

 

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I dreamt about her last night

I have gotten into the habit of trying to remember my dreams and sometimes I even manage to write them down.  I had a rough day today; I have just been really depressed and isolated and I just have no motivation; I have slipped in depressive mode and haven’t taken the steps to care of myself.  So as I was going through the day; I started remembering this dream I had.  About a month ago I was let go from my seasonal job and in that time; I felt that this girl at work liked me. We talked a bit and she seemed nice; she sat next to me a lot on break and I was getting good vibes. The day I left this job; I decided to ask for her number.  I was hesitant to be honest because she’s college age; in her 20’s and I’m in my 30’s; and I wondered if that was a bad idea.  But she gave me her number and hugged me goodbye; I had a good feeling. I tend to get my hopes up. We texted for a few days and she seemed sort of interested but she took too long to respond and that made me worried. Finally she stopped responding all together and I felt really hurt and rejected. But something is different; in the past it would have bothered me for weeks but this time it only lasted a few days; I wrote about it; messaged a few friends and after that I felt better about the whole thing. I accepted that she rejected me and slowly got over it; which is a first.  I don’t care who you are; rejection hurts.

So last night I had a dream and I can’t remember all the details but the girl from work was at this house. I remember she seemed shy and nervous and just smiled at me.  She finally apologized for not responding; she said she was busy ( which she did say at one point in one her texts).  She said something about getting out of a relationship and wasn’t ready. In the dream I was at peace about it; I wasn’t hurt or angry and I understood. This is interesting to note because in the past I would dream about girls I like but I could never get near them; they were always in the distance; I tried to get their attention but they either ignored me or couldn’t see/hear me.

It was a short dream but I am searching for the meaning.   I wonder if on the surface I am ok that it didn’t work out but deep inside; it still hurts. Inside my mind I am wondering what I did that made this person reject me. But I think dreams tell us a lot about how deep feelings. We are conflicted and trying to resolve any issue that can’t be resolved, I just remember in the dream being happy to see her and relieved that she didn’t seem to hate me.  Maybe I am hoping that she rejected me; not because I was not worthy; but because she really was busy or maybe not ready to date anyone. Wishful thinking perhaps. Anyways I wanted to share that dream today.

Things are getting better

Anyone who has been reading my posts knows that I’ve been struggling since the loss of my job and feeling depressed with nothing to do.  I managed to get this woman’s number at work and we texted a few times but soon after; she just stopped responding and I felt rejected. It has happened so many times that it was just a sad deja vu; it just reminded of all my dating failures; I just can’t connect and it hurts really bad.  A few days ago during a windy storm; the power went out in the middle of the night and the house was pitch black. I stumbled through the dark; trying to find the light ( a metaphor perhaps) and I had nothing to do but to sit in the dark. I thought about being unemployed, trying to go back to school, what to do with all this free time, why this girl I hardly knew wasn’t interested in talking to me.  I felt the need to just pray at that moment and ask God for guidance ; when I am at my lowest point I always turn to him. I know a lot of people aren’t religious and I respect other people’s beliefs but God is a big part of my life.  I don’t use religion to judge others or moralize; I use my faith in God to have compassion and love for everyone; especially those with disabilities and the downtrodden.

Anyways I decided that I couldn’t sit in the dark all night so I went to Walmart to buy some candles in the middle of the night; it was scary, the traffic lights by my streets were off; so it was really dangerous.  What’s even crazier is that the next traffic lights worked and all the business’s were lit so it seemed like our neighborhood was the only place in the area out of power.  After Walmart; I just drove around; trying to charge my phone and just thinking; it was eerie; no cars on the road and I was trying to think about the direction I was going in my life; alone; just total loneliness.   I drove almost to where my college was ( about 30 mins); sat in a parking lot and sat for a few minutes and drove back home.  I got back to my neighborhood and to my relief the power was back on; I could finally get to sleep.  I had planned to go to bed earlier but all the stress kept me up plus I cannot sleep in complete darkness or without my air cleaner.

When I got home, I wrote a poem about rejection and went to bed.  The next day I got a message from a fellow writer on Instagram; she tweeted my poem and suggested I joined Twitter. I was weary because of all the political bullshit and bullying but I found she was part of a really positive writing community and through the pain of writing ; I found a lot of support; which is what I needed. So things happen for a reason.  I can use twitter to find support, support others and promote my writing; what a blessing.  In fact all of my social media has been growing; I am getting constant supportive messages and comments and connecting with so many writers and disability advocates; it’s been amazing. So while I felt low; all that support made the difference; I realize that that girl not liking me is pretty insignificant compared to all the people I’m reaching with my writing; I don’t have to feel alone  anymore; I have thousands of people i can reach out to; that sounds amazing when I think about; surreal; it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it. I even found out about this writers group in the area through Instagram and I will try to attend this weekend; I hope to meet fellow writers and creative people.

I also got an email this week from my college; stating that since I only had a few classes to graduate that they were offering me a full scholarship; they’d pay for my class,books and any other fees. It couldn’t be real so I met up with someone today and he confirmed it; all I have to do is sign up. I am beyond excited and blessed right now; school is so important to me. God is handing me all these opportunities and I don’t know how to express my gratitude.   I just can’t wait to be able to call myself a college graduate and get a job in the disability field; it’s my passion.  So even though my job didn’t work out; it opened to the door to this great opportunity and I am going to take it.  I think God has a calling for me and this is it. Oh and speaking of that; I am going back to volunteering with the disabled ministry this week; I missed them so much and I am sure they’ll be happy to see me. I went to church on Christmas eve and one of the young adults was there; she was excited to tell me about everything I missed.  All those young adults make my day; they are all so kind and sweet and just wonderful people who I refuse to define based on their disabilities.  So yes, things are getting much better. All I had to do was ask God for help and have faith he would take care of me and he is., I thank all of you for your wonderful support. This blog is my life at this point; I cherish it and I will continue to blog and update everyone on how I am doing.

Thanks for listening,

Dave

 

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It’s hard to connect with people

I’m back from my mini vacation from blogging ( that didn’t last long lol) and I made a new video on my Youtube Channel.   It’s been difficult since I lost my job and I miss interacting with people on a daily basis and I feel disconnected from others. I receive so much love and support online and it really makes a difference but I’m hurt I don’t get that same support in real life.   With that here is my new video; I hope someone who is feeling lonely today can relate

Dave

 

 

 

 

Taking a vacation

I have really been struggling since the loss of my job; I no longer have that daily routine of getting up and going to work everyday. I feel lonely because I’m not interacting with anyone and the depression is starting to sink in.    My sleep is bad as well. I have bipolar and when I don’t have a set schedule, I end up staying up late at night and sleeping until late into the day.  So right now things are really tough for me and it just feels like things are falling apart. I end up on the computer a lot , mainly due to all this free time. I post way too much on social media and my blog; I live online and it’s just not healthy.  My interactions are positive though; I reconnected with a lot of friends and I’m sure if they lived close by, I would see them.   I feel more connected to writers all over the world and my words are reaching people in positive ways, something I couldn’t have imagined a few years back.  So I don’t have the negative  responses that many people report; considering I have mental health issues and am on the Autistic spectrum, no one bullies me, in fact I receive so much praise from so many people, its unbelievable, in fact it can be overwhelming. But it’s also a crutch, I crave the attention online and don’t make the effort to connect with others in real life. And I know I have written about this so much but it is a real struggle for me and this blog is my daily journal to sort out my feelings, bear with me.

I want to make some serious changes beside what I’ve written about in earlier blog posts.  I want to take a vacation from blogging, social media and just do some major self-care.  I plan on waking up everyday at the same time, until I have a more normal sleeping pattern.  I plan on trying to find a way to connect with other writers in real life, I know there are some writing groups in the area I can join and I intend to participate.  Social situations make me nervous but somehow I feel less anxious around supportive, creative, artistic people: writers, painters, poets.  It’s so hard to make friends and I feel so damn lonely. I wish there was an easy answer, all I can do is just keep moving forward and having faith that things will work out. So now I am going to try my very best to limit my online time. Thank you for all the support; it means so much to me.   I can’t believe the amount of followers I have and the wonderful community that I am a part of, it has been life changing. And if am able to actually take a vacation from all of this maybe I can come back with a different perspective.

See you later

Dave