Music: The refuge

Music the refuge, lost in a sea of slow piano notes, the beauty of it all, the trouble of the world around me disappears, transported to a far off world of peace and tranquility. On a boat above calming waters, with the light of the moon to guide me.
Entranced in these notes, feeling secure in the art of the distant past, self-expression through music, no words are needed, the keys speak for themselves, slowly drowning out tonight’s concerns as I close my eyes and soak it all in. Music, how I adore you..  🎵

Evening music in the car seat ( memories)

I don’t know how old I am but I’m little, in the backseat of the car, my mom’s driving, it’s dusk and I’m looking out the window at the orange painted sky and those clouds, oh those clouds. We’re on 495 heading towards the airport, picking up dad. The Bee Gees are playing on the car radio, I think it’s “Night Fever”. I love this kind of music, it sounds like it was made in a faraway time in a different world. I let the music take me away and I’m lost with my head still staring out the window, the feet tapping to the beat.
We arrive at the airport and I’m awakened from my musical trance; elated, I run to my dad and give him a big hug, he’s wearing a Hawaiian t-shirt, he just came back from a business trip to Hawaii for the VA, I missed him, it was a long week without him. Music brings those memories to the surface. Circa 1987

 

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Snowy day

It’s winter in 1992, I’m 9, there’s a snowstorm and I walk down to the creek which is frozen over, I’m on my own, I feel the sun warm my face but it’s still bitter cold, which is odd to me. I look over to the pool and ponder how only 4 months before, it was sunny and I could hear the kids jumping from the high dive from my backyard, now it was a snowy desolate wasteland, I shrugged my shoulders and crossed Braeburn to the other side, with my plastic sled in hand. The forest hill full, of snow was empty, where were the other kids? What does it matter, they don’t want to hang out with me with anyways. I put my headphones on and hit the play button, Pearl Jam’s “Ten” album. And I’m off sledding, trying to have fun even if I’m by myself. I sled down the hill with glee; “I oh I’m still alive” ringing in ears as I sled down the hill, the soundtrack to this cold and dreary day.

Sledding by yourself is boring but the music drowns out the loneliness, as I walk home, I’m saddened that I had to spend this snow day by myself but the promise of hot cocoa when I get home lifts my spirits and all is well again.

 

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Kurt Cobain

Not only was Kurt Cobain a great musician but he was also a man who wasn’t afraid to show his sensitive side despite how others may have viewed him, he spoke in support for women when misogyny in rock was commonplace, he spoke out against homophobia in a still very homophobic society, he was someone I think who cared much about equality in a very sincere way, he didn’t run-up to the mic at an awards show and shout it but he quietly stated his views in interviews and he was very insightful. It’s shame he was so depressed that suicide was his only option, I admire him for courage and authenticity during his lifetime and he made it easier for men like to be open about my emotions and to show my emotional and feminine side without shame. I miss Kurt, he was incredible.

 

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Listening to Bob for the first time.

When I was younger, I got a lot of my musical influences from my brother, he liked a lot of alternative and classic rock but one day when I was about 12, he had this cd of this guy with dreadlocks and the album was called “Legend” by Bob Marley. I didn’t know who Bob Marley was and I had never heard Reggae before. I borrowed it and put in my Discman to listen to at school, I fell in love with the music right away, I had never heard anything like it before but it was just so mellow and peaceful, relaxing music. I must have listened to that album on repeat for weeks, I didn’t have a lot of friends at school so I used my music as an escape, While they were playing kickball, I was in the corner listening to Bob Marley for the first time, way before those ever kids knew about him. Every time I hear that music, it brings back to that feeling of peacefulness during a chaotic time in my life, and my heart warms and I smile, it brings back some good memories; discovering music for the first time is magical at that age. 🎵 🎸

Older girls

I didn’t know her well but she was cool and she was older and very grown up in my eyes, she was just beautiful to me, she had this exotic look with jet black hair, she had this confidence that older kids always have, when you’re 12 everyone older seems wiser. We used to talk about grunge bands like STP and Pearl Jam; I could talk about music for hours. But I had always Stone Temple Pilots rattling in my head at the time and when I ever hear some of those songs; that feeling and memory is sure to come back; even though those days are long gone. The past is just a faded memory… 1994 🎵

Musical memories

My friends called me up and said do you want go down to this farm for a few days, I hear they’ll be playing music. I said “Far out, I can dig it” So we got our gear and packed up our Bug and drove through the NY through-way to see what the fuss was all about, the roads were jam packed, my friend stated that the roads were closed “Isn’t that far out?” he quipped.

 

But we were determined so we sat in traffic for hours until we were close to the farm, we could hear the music from miles away, helicopters in the sky, bringing our rock and roll heroes, as we walked toward the festival, the rains fell from the sky furiously but we trudged on, getting rained was worth to be it to be with all these beautiful people with flowers in their hair and a dazed looked in their eyes, the days of innocence and revolution.

 

We passed by a Volkswagen bus with the words ” Even God loves America” plastered on the side. A nun smiled at me and gave me the peace sign, I returned the favor, I was with my people.

 

The farm was a sea of people, laying on the ground, totally gone, full of mud and listening to music in a daze. A black man with a red bandana was on the stage making his guitar scream, his eyes closed; lost in a world of guitar notes, I recognized it and said to my buddy ” That’s the star-spangled banner” And all he could reply with was “yeah!” as he closed in eyes and soaked in the music

 

As the man churned out another guitar solo, people slowly left the festival, a shame since we just got there. I looked around all I saw was garbage, used tents, beer cans, abandoned cars, food everywhere but in that mess was beauty, a beauty I can imagine if I just close my eyes.

 

But sadly, I wasn’t there, I couldn’t of been, I was 13 years too late but that was me in a past life, easy rider living, hitching a ride to anywhere to but here, living with the flower children and being free to be me completely.

I miss my friend

I miss my friend John. We never actually met but I feel like I knew him, he seemed like a smart man, witty; full of sarcasm wit; with his snide remarks and those not smart enough to understand sarcasm.

 

I appreciate his beautiful creativity and how he always pushed the boundaries of art unapologetically He was outspoken, a little broken but aren’t we all. I understand his anger, anger at a system that touts conformity and punishes anyone who is different the rebellious who stand out, someone who was tired of pigheaded politicians and just wanted some truth, just like I do, someone who thought peace and love wasn’t a novel concept and that war was never the answer, war is over if you want it.

 

The irony is that such a man who was about love and peace died from gun wounds created by a violent culture in a violent city from a sick deranged man who America raised, it makes me sad.

 

But what I most miss is John’s music and am angry that was taken away from all us by gun violence. All I know is that I miss my friend John.

Being open about suicide

I was just watching a video where Anderson Cooper is interviewing Howard Stern last night and I’ve always liked Anderson Cooper, he has a calm demeanor and he just seems like a really nice guy, really intelligent and caring and passionate about journalism.

 

But it just hit me, there’s another reason that I like him so much is that I found that his brother committed suicide just like mine. And what I like is that is that he is open about it; just like I am. I admire the fact that he moves forward with his life and usies that tragedy as a way of educating people about mental health.

 

In this interview on CNN with Howard Stern, they both recount when Anderson was Howard Stern’s show and Anderson was talking about the suicide of his brother and Howard Stern mentions how he used that the story to learn about the issue of suicide..

 

That’s what it is about; using our stories to educate the public about an issue that has so much stigma. And if a public figure like Anderson Cooper can be so open about the suicide of his brother, so can I and without shame. I just thought I’d share this with you. Thanks for listening and for caring ❤