Things are getting better

Anyone who has been reading my posts knows that I’ve been struggling since the loss of my job and feeling depressed with nothing to do.  I managed to get this woman’s number at work and we texted a few times but soon after; she just stopped responding and I felt rejected. It has happened so many times that it was just a sad deja vu; it just reminded of all my dating failures; I just can’t connect and it hurts really bad.  A few days ago during a windy storm; the power went out in the middle of the night and the house was pitch black. I stumbled through the dark; trying to find the light ( a metaphor perhaps) and I had nothing to do but to sit in the dark. I thought about being unemployed, trying to go back to school, what to do with all this free time, why this girl I hardly knew wasn’t interested in talking to me.  I felt the need to just pray at that moment and ask God for guidance ; when I am at my lowest point I always turn to him. I know a lot of people aren’t religious and I respect other people’s beliefs but God is a big part of my life.  I don’t use religion to judge others or moralize; I use my faith in God to have compassion and love for everyone; especially those with disabilities and the downtrodden.

Anyways I decided that I couldn’t sit in the dark all night so I went to Walmart to buy some candles in the middle of the night; it was scary, the traffic lights by my streets were off; so it was really dangerous.  What’s even crazier is that the next traffic lights worked and all the business’s were lit so it seemed like our neighborhood was the only place in the area out of power.  After Walmart; I just drove around; trying to charge my phone and just thinking; it was eerie; no cars on the road and I was trying to think about the direction I was going in my life; alone; just total loneliness.   I drove almost to where my college was ( about 30 mins); sat in a parking lot and sat for a few minutes and drove back home.  I got back to my neighborhood and to my relief the power was back on; I could finally get to sleep.  I had planned to go to bed earlier but all the stress kept me up plus I cannot sleep in complete darkness or without my air cleaner.

When I got home, I wrote a poem about rejection and went to bed.  The next day I got a message from a fellow writer on Instagram; she tweeted my poem and suggested I joined Twitter. I was weary because of all the political bullshit and bullying but I found she was part of a really positive writing community and through the pain of writing ; I found a lot of support; which is what I needed. So things happen for a reason.  I can use twitter to find support, support others and promote my writing; what a blessing.  In fact all of my social media has been growing; I am getting constant supportive messages and comments and connecting with so many writers and disability advocates; it’s been amazing. So while I felt low; all that support made the difference; I realize that that girl not liking me is pretty insignificant compared to all the people I’m reaching with my writing; I don’t have to feel alone  anymore; I have thousands of people i can reach out to; that sounds amazing when I think about; surreal; it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it. I even found out about this writers group in the area through Instagram and I will try to attend this weekend; I hope to meet fellow writers and creative people.

I also got an email this week from my college; stating that since I only had a few classes to graduate that they were offering me a full scholarship; they’d pay for my class,books and any other fees. It couldn’t be real so I met up with someone today and he confirmed it; all I have to do is sign up. I am beyond excited and blessed right now; school is so important to me. God is handing me all these opportunities and I don’t know how to express my gratitude.   I just can’t wait to be able to call myself a college graduate and get a job in the disability field; it’s my passion.  So even though my job didn’t work out; it opened to the door to this great opportunity and I am going to take it.  I think God has a calling for me and this is it. Oh and speaking of that; I am going back to volunteering with the disabled ministry this week; I missed them so much and I am sure they’ll be happy to see me. I went to church on Christmas eve and one of the young adults was there; she was excited to tell me about everything I missed.  All those young adults make my day; they are all so kind and sweet and just wonderful people who I refuse to define based on their disabilities.  So yes, things are getting much better. All I had to do was ask God for help and have faith he would take care of me and he is., I thank all of you for your wonderful support. This blog is my life at this point; I cherish it and I will continue to blog and update everyone on how I am doing.

Thanks for listening,



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I look at all the lonely people

Today as I was getting off work; I decided to get something to eat at the food court.  There was a lady in line next to me and I offered to have her jump in front of me; she mentioned how polite I was.  And for some reason she mentioned she had just turned 50 and I said “50! That’s young!”; which hopefully was the appropriate response. This lady was very talkative with me. I was telling her how I just started at this new job and how busy it was during the Christmas season.  And the conversation turned to the churches we went to and she mentioned the church she attended and I told her about how much I liked my church.  As I was talking with her; I could tell she was lonely.  Usually people who talk to complete strangers and start telling you about their lives are lonely; they need someone to talk to.  And I’m a very lonely person so I totally get that. I can’t tell how many strangers I have tried to start up conversations and been given the cold shoulder; it hurts.  But like her; a lot of us don’t have that outlet. And I didn’t want to be the kind of person to not respond to her. She then told me that she was with her friend because she had seizures. I said I understood because I volunteer with people who have disabilities and some of them have seizures as well; so we have to be mindful of that.  It was actually lovely conversation for me as well; I enjoyed.  Although it made me sad that there are so many lonely people out there. We parted ways but I am so glad that I may have been the one person today who listened to her;  another God moment for the books.   The lesson here is be kind to everyone you meet; you’ll never know the difference you might make in their lives.

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When I’m in church

In church; I feel safe but at the same time out of place unsure and at times uncomfortable being there with mostly strangers. I feel more comfortable with the group I’m with; but less so with everyone else; maybe I’m not the only one who feels that way.  I look at the cross and the stain glass window of Jesus and I feel at peace; yet I still feel shamed at a sinful past and ask for God’s forgiveness; quietly in my own heart; he knows I’m sincere; I can tell him anything; he doesn’t judge.  I feel blessed that God is taking caring of me; working through the people I come across. I think of the dark times before God and I think about how he saved me from the abyss; total darkness; to the light; I feel myself choking up; verge on tears but not out of sadness but extreme joy; grateful to finally be able to attend church after years the inability to attend service; it ate away at me and I became bitter that I couldn’t spend time in a church community.   I look at the young people in the choir and it reminds me of the friends I made and the bond we continue to have; even as adults.  Again ,I find myself emotional but I hold back because I don’t want to make a scene.  I hope they grow up to be adults that are still in contact with each other; a church family is so important and you don’t really it’s importance until you get older.  So many emotions wrapped into one; sitting in those pews with the disabled ministry; feeling like they are new my church family. Apparently they are saying good things about me; that warms my heart; hugs from everyone and I realize that God has given me this opportunity  to cleanse my heart and make him proud by helping his most special children; those with developmental disabilities; I know he is smiling and so am I. As the service ends and I walk walk to talk to the pastor; I quickly glance up and quietly say to God; thank you. And I am on my way; recharged for the week; with the spirit in me.   Amen

The Advent tree at Church service today; so beautiful

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Plan B ( God’s plan)

Tonight was great; I helped volunteer with with disabled ministry at church; we had a huge benefit dinner for the ministry and all the young adults and volunteers were there.  They paired me up with one of my favorite people there; we worked great as a team.  Before we started serving I went with the young adult I was helping and we introduced ourselves to everyone.  One of the volunteers; who is an incredibly nice guy; had his parents and grandparents there.  I talked to his Grandfather and the young adult I  was with mentioned I just got a new job at Costco; he is just as excited about it as I am.   I told the man about the new job and how I try to work hard and I hope they keep me.  And this man said something to me that has stuck with me.  He said ” listen there are two plans; plan A and Plan B.  Plan A is your plan; it’s what you want; your goals.  But Plan B; that’s God’s plan and if this doesn’t work out; then it’s not in God’s plan.  You can only do your very best and that’s all you can ask of yourself”  That was so insightful and one of the best piece’s of advice I’ve heard in a very long time.  I sort of choked up; looked up and said thank you; that was a God moment for sure.  I was in the right place and exactly where I needed to be; because there have some rough moments at Costco, but God was speaking to me through that nice older man who I had never met before; I didn’t have time to process until now; really.

I always thinking about God’s timeline; how things happen for a reason.   It’s like that time that I walked into the church; finally having a day off and they were talking about the Rainbow Ministry and I talked to the pastor about it and the next thing I knew I was meeting up with the leader of the Rainbow Ministry and her daughter about volunteer opportunities. And here I am a part of this wonderful; caring group where I feel at home.  Even the leader to me said : honey you are like family, sit with us at church anytime”   God has given me a purpose here and sometimes I am at loss for words at how blessed I am.  I was driving home yesterday and thinking about my friends I grew up with; the rainbow ministry and getting a new job; making more money; I just started crying because I am so blessed, you know.  God speaks to me everyday and sometimes I feel like he has singled me out for a special purpose; God wants me to take the pain I experienced to help others.  Its amazing how a 5 minute conversation with a stranger could spur a whole blog post I guess it’s a part of the plan.   Stay blessed, my friends.  God loves you


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God and anxiety

Today was a good day at work and I stayed busy; actually I spent most of my shift gathering carts and loading items into customer’s cars; it’s not really helping my cold; to be honest; but it’s not a difficult part of my job; I like moving around.   I am anxious about the new job because it is seasonal and not a permanent position; those that they deem the “best” are chosen to stay while the rest are let go; it’s that competition that gives me anxiety. I am great with customers and get along with my supervisors so far; I’m on time and haven’t made any major mistakes. No one has pulled me aside and said I wasn’t doing well or yelled at me; so that’s great.  But I am a slow learner; I have learning disabilities along with emotional difficulties at times; I also struggle with ADHD and have Bi-polar and top it all off I have stomach and bladder problems which leads me to run to bathroom more often than most ( although I am seem to be managing it better at Costco).  I know that I am already at a disadvantage and it feels like I’m trying out for the football team and I won’t make the cut; with my broken leg.  I am trying my best but sometimes I’m slower than others and I may make little mistakes and I beat up on myself; I push myself and say I have to perfect or else they won’t hire me after the season. I just put a lot of pressure on myself and find myself anxious throughout the day ( it is nothing compared to when I was Sears; it’s internal and I don’t think I show it on the outside)

So towards the end of my shift I was feeling kind of tired and worried about whether I could stay at Costco full time; I said a little prayer to myself and asked God for help.   As I was getting carts it was close to the end of my shift at 5 pm and the sky was getting a little dark and I could hear the sound of a distant train; I love the sounds of trains during dusk; by the way.  There is something beautiful about dusk during fall; I can’t explain it;  I remember as a kid walking with my family to this path in our neighborhood that lead to a little playground; that must have been made when the neighborhood was built; plopped on the grass; like it came from nowhere.  It was dusk during fall and I could hear the owls hooting and it was I dunno kind of magical.   I’m off track but I do love that time of day.

Anyways out of the blue; I kept thinking of this bible verse that we had focused on during the retreat with the disabled ministry that I had volunteered with. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”  It was the perfect quote for this retreat because I had just joined the group and I didn’t know them well and I was filled with anxiety; much like I am with this new job.  And all of a sudden; I felt myself calming down and the anxiety subsided.  I thought about all the hardships I faced in my life; so many obstacles and God always took care of me; even when I didn’t realize it.  I came to the realization that no matter what happens come December; I will be fine. I am just going to enjoy the time I have at Costco; work as hard as I can; Work well with others and get a nice paycheck.  I am so blessed to be at Costco right now; I am blessed to have family and friends who love me and gratitude will get me through; whatever happens. I know God loves me and won’t steer me wrong; the thought kept coming to me; faith; have faith; don’t worry. I feel the more I worry; the worse I’ll do.   All it took was one little prayer and I felt God speaking to me in that parking lot; with all those people around and cars honking; at that moment I felt at peace.  I thought about how I messaged a childhood friend ( who has been a huge supporter and someone I care about deeply)  to tell her about the new job and she stated that not only was thrilled for me but she knew my brother ( who passed) would be proud.  As I replayed that message in my head; I felt teary eyed; the love of my friends is the work of God; letting me know I’m loved and those are the things that help me through stressful times.  So despite my anxiety; I will be ok and I will continue to have faith in God and allow him to work in my life.

Thanks for listening


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