I have a bully

I have to tell you something, I have a bully. It seems like no matter where I am, he is always there to criticize and belittle me and doesn’t pass up an opportunity to make feel worthless.

 

When I’m doing well, he likes to remind of the mistakes I made in the past, he tells me no one likes me. He tells me I’ll never make friends and I have no worth whatsoever.

 

When I’m doing well, he likes sneer and say it won’t last and that I don’t deserve the good things in life and that any praise is just a veiled insult because no one anywhere is my friend, he says no one cares about me.

 

He tells me that I’m the only one who feels this way and it’s funny to him; that I feel alone. He says don’t tell anyone how you feel because they’ll just laugh. Remember the times you did share your feelings and they did laugh and ostracize you? Its going to happen again because you deserve it.

 

It hurts so much when he says all these things, I try to tell myself that he’s a bully and that everything he says is a lie but I always believe him. This bully hates me and wants to see fail and I have never found a way to stand up to him because he has always bullied me my whole life. The worst thing about that bully is that the bully is me.

Social anxiety hurts

Sometimes we think we are alone when are struggling but there are those right next to us dealing with the same exact issues.

 

I went to this social event; it was a dinner and I didn’t realize so many people would be in this house and immediately I got sensory overload and felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. I felt really self-conscious and after debating in my head, I left; feeling frustrated and just mentally drained.

 

I was going to go home but instead I just parked somewhere and made a video about social anxiety ( I won’t post it) and afterwards I felt a little better, I was able to get all of that pent up emotion out.

 

I decided to go back and have dinner there. One of the guys was there, I talk him to a lot and he is such a nice dude. I was telling him how I needed to get out of there and he was like “Oh yeah, I have the same thing and I am struggling with it now too” He told he had to find a quieter corner of the house because he anxious. He also kind of gave me ideas what he does when he has social anxiety, it was great!

 

I instantly felt so relived that I wasn’t the only one and as I was talking to him, I felt much calmer. I focused on talking to him and few other people and the anxiety got better.

 

It goes to show that we are never alone and its not always the right time to talk about anxiety but sometimes it helps to know someone else is dealing with it too. I hope someday to be able to handle large groups of people until then I was strategize and do the best I can.

 

I love you guys and am so happy I have a safe place here to talk about this and get so much support. Much love

 

Dave

 

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Failure to connect

Failing to connect the dots, thoughts escape me as I sip my drinking, laughing nervously

 

Trying to think of something to say to the person who has chosen to sit beside me, but I’m lost in the ever-present sound of life as it passes by me and they leave without saying a word.

 

I’m still on this stool, waiting for a smile that never comes, so I look around to see a friendly face but all I see is darkness

 

A sea of people but I feel alone, washed away in loneliness, a common theme

 

Another face, I open my mouth to speak but a soft whisper comes out, I sheepishly realized that the eyes in front of me lack interest and so I turn back the glaring glow of the television broadcasting a basketball game which leaves me feeling bored.

 

I walk outside with my drink that burns and churns my stomach, the patio is empty, it’s cold and I start a conversation with the only person I haven’t failed to connect with: myself. “How are you?” I say. “I’m great”, my own voice replies.

 

We talk until closing time, the man motions for me to leave, we get into the car, head home, put ourselves to bed and get a good night’s rest. A failure in connectivity which no longer pains me since it is so familiar.  😦

Music is my comfort

I have a total obsession with music, it has such a calming effect on me and can mirror my sadness, happiness and anger. Sometimes a piece of music can express what I can’t say in words.

 

Other times, it sparks a memory, a feeling that was long forgotten, something that seemed insignificant at the time but somehow seems important to me now. I am taken right back there, transported in time, seeing long forgotten faces, in places I haven’t been in years, the ghosts of the past.

 

Other times I can’t connect with someone in any other way but damn, when you mention we have the same music tastes, I am your best friend ever, I’ll talk your head about the glory days of grunge and late night MTV watching till the cows come home. And when you meet that person, it’s like finding a long lost brother/sister or something, like someone who finally gets your obscure music references

 

Music has always been my escape, when things hurt too much I put on my headphones and take a trip to a musical world. When no one understood me and I was lonely, I holed myself in up my room and I turned to music because it was my only comfort, on days that hurt so bad that you’d never understood.

 

This is ode to my first and only love, music, the records that saved my life, that held me in times of despair. This was written for anyone who could never quite understand my obsession for music. Here it is. 📻 🎧🎶 🎸

 

I had an anxiety attack last night

I had a pretty bad anxiety attack last night and I was trying to find ways to calm down so I sat on the floor and started writing, this is what I wrote.

 

Anxiety is sky high and I don’t know why, out of breath, dizzy, sitting on the floor, mind is racing, the ceiling cooling my warm body, my hands clammy, body aches, this is too much, reaching out for help, still too sick to go out, nose stuffed up, head fuzzy, being cooped up, only leaving the house once or twice since Saturday to get food.

I feel lonely and isolated, relying on an electronic world for support, information surging through the air. Where does it comes from?

My brain is fried and I have no energy, got my music, Stevie “As”, music is the only thing that calms me, I couldn’t mediate if I tried, I can’t shut off my brain

I don’t want a book or a seminar or a pill or an oil ( snake oil). I just want to be calm and for this anxiety to go away. You dig? Phew

 

 

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The danger of reliving past trauma

Right now at this moment, I am in the midst of an anxiety attack and I wanted take note of that to explain why I am choosing to write this now. I mentioned in one my previous posts that I had created an audio podcast where I would discuss mental health advocacy and I have been excited about it.  I hadn’t made a podcast in a few weeks and I hadn’t gotten around to discussing some of the issues I faced with mental health so tonight I decided to make a podcast about it. I wrote down some talking points and I sat on the couch and just talked into my phone.  I decided to go through my history of mental illness from my childhood to teenage years to my adult years including the present.  I just recounted everything chronologically and was relaying some painful moments but I didn’t feel anxious. I am having issues with allergies so I was coughing in between and sniffling, which was irritating and made it more difficult to make the podcast but I continued. I just spoke about some traumatic stuff and was honest and raw ( more so than I usually am) I pretty much said everything and it was 40 minutes or so, of just me talking about most of the issues I faced in detail.  When I ended the podcast I was ready to publish it and share it online as part of my advocacy, my followers know about the podcast because I have mentioned it.

So before I publish, I always listen to the whole podcast, just to see how it sounded. Again I noticed a lot of coughing and sniffing and I was not as focused as I wanted to be, I repeated myself and rambled and obviously I am self conscious about that. But what bothered me the most was hearing such personal things publicly, things that are probably left unsaid or in less detail. So as I was listening, I felt anxious, hearing myself speak about that trauma, things that I have never shared outside of a therapists office. Even after listening to it, I shared it to my social media and sent the link a few people.  I immediately felt regret and fear, I felt I would be judged if I shared this and that created more anxiety.  I eventually deleted the episode.

I  plan on making another podcast but reliving that trauma was not helpful and that is not how I want to approach mental health advocacy because I don’t think it’s beneficial me or anyone else.  I feel like the best approach would be to give a little history about my mental health struggles I had ( not specific events) and talk about how I have overcome them and used to those experiences to help others. Focusing on trauma is negative, talking about overcoming your struggles is positive.  As I write this, I feel calmer and realize I made the right decision. It’s going to take time to figure this out and I  thank everyone for their support and understanding

Dave

Facebook mental health group

I was thinking about advocacy and social media and I realized that I really wanted my followers on wordpress to k now about Facebook mental health group, it is called Beautiful minds and it is my first facebook group. Some people encouraged me to create and I created it a few days ago. So far it has been great and I have connected with some passionate people who also want to advocate for mental health.  I am hoping some of you who Facebook can join my group. I encourage people to post about mental health and I hope they can get something out of it. Here is the link

 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/270465390575783/

Sunday School

Happy Sunday everyone I hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday and weekend.  Well today so far has been great. Last night I got this text from this woman who I help assist Sunday school with, she told me she was out of town and asked if I could still help with the class, I assumed there would be someone with me as usual.  She then told asked me if I was comfortable teaching the class by myself.  I said of course I would but I was pretty nervous. Even though it’s usually one student, I have never lead a class on my own before but I felt it would be good for me.

Luckily the class already has a lesson plan set up, so I didn’t have to prepare anything      ( thank god!)  The one student that showed up was this kid, he’s about 14 and he has Autism.  He is really cool and just nice, he likes to draw and is easy going.  We talked about how God commands us to love each other and to love him.  We talked about treating others the way we’d like to be treated and how we have to be kind to other’s even when they aren’t kind to us.  We did an activity where I asked him about a time this week when he felt it was hard to be kind to someone, he mentioned this kid at school kept annoying him and I talked about ways that maybe he could be nicer. We then watched a video about God’s love and it was like a sign.  It was about a guy who creates a podcast with his Grandma and she talking how God expects us to love. But I thought “hey wait a minute, I just started a podcast not long ago. This can’t be a coincidence. What is God trying to tell me?”    Anyways the class was a lot of fun and it went well.  I just wanted to make a post about it.  Have a good day, friends

Dave

 

Image may contain: David Aguilera, smiling, sitting and closeup

To those that suffer in silence

Getting mental health support from others has been life changing for me and I really appreciate it. I think I get so much support because I am willing to be open and outspoken about my own struggles and I encourage others. But what makes me sad is there are others who much worse off than me. people whose depression is so bad that they can’t get out of my bed and they have the inability to express themselves in a way that they can be understood. They suffer in silence and they don’t get support because no one knows they’re suffering and they are in so much pain. Some end up taking their lives because they have been holding to this hurt for so long and have no one to turn to when they need someone to talk to. At the end of the day, they need the most support and yet they don’t receive it. It’s the paradox of desperately needing help but not knowing how to reach out; therefore help doesn’t arrive. It really hurts to think about those people

Today was a better day

I am now making it a priority to write in blog everyday because I really feel this is going to help me. Thank you everyone for all your support, sometimes I can come off bitter when I am struggling.  I think sometimes when I am depressed, I want help but at the same time I don’t, I just wanted to isolate myself and be left alone, it’s a strange paradox but I think a lot of people can relate.

Anyway I woke up today and decided that I would reactivate my social media since it had been a week and while it can be frustrating, I do find the support on there to be helpful at times.  I made a post about why I left and I got so many reactions and messages, I realize that people are just caught up in their own lives ( like they should be) and I am not the center of the universe.  My depression just makes me feel I am completely alone and no one cares when I know deep down inside that it’s a lie. On the contrary, people said they missed me and were concerned.  Since I post so much, a sudden silence, makes  people worried about what happened to me.  I want to help others and if I choose to stay silent about mental health that I am not helping anyone, in fact I am hurting myself by removing the support I need.  I think what hurt me the most was that someone messaged me about doing a suicide prevention live broadcast and they never got back to me. My brother took his life and his death anniversary is in less than a month, that really hurts.  I sent this person a smart message thanking them so much “for caring” and cut ties with them. Luckily I don’t know this person personally, so it isn’t much of a loss,  I don’t just like to be fucked  with when it comes to suicide prevention or mental health, I take it VERY seriously.   But I don’t want to let negative people disrupt positive reactions with others, I won’t throw the baby out with the bath water, you know.

I also was talking with a few people and decided to start a Facebook group that will discuss mental health advocacy, encourage others, talk about resources for help and maybe do some Facebook lives, I am really excited.  I am recruiting others that want to help me, those that have supported me on my mental health journey and I have already have 2 or 3 people that are willing to help, this is really exciting.  In fact if anyone is interested in joining my group, I’ll get you updated and post the link.

And I am so grateful and fortunate because while I say I don’t get much support, it’s not true.  Its the anxiety talking and it is such bullshit.  To be honest I think I get a lot more support than some others do probably because I’m willing to be so open and honest and share my life so publicly. There are so many others who are worse off than me, who reach out and receive no support, online or otherwise. It really hurts me to think about it.  I can’t tell you how many messages I’ve gotten from those suffering from depression that feel totally alone and have been told to snap out of it, I am lucky that no one has ever treated me that.  My perception about others see me is totally warped, so it’s all internal, it has nothing to do with anything people have said or done ( Beside a few, most people are really positive).  But I guess that’s depression, isn’t it?  And sometimes I may come off as ungrateful for the support I get, I am sorry.    I am just happy I have a place to share my feelings and I get feedback, not everyone has the ability to express themselves and be understood and when they do, they get no feedback and it’s heartbreaking.  I’m sort of rambling, so I’ll end it here.  Thank you

Dave