Bipolar

Sometimes I do my best to manage my bipolar but circumstances beyond my control disrupt those managing patterns; sometimes I can’t sleep as much as I need and I know I’m in trouble, my brain gets fuzzy, my mind races, my eyes feel like they are on fire, I feel angry and depressed and anxious as hell ; just a passive-aggressive nightmare.

I am a live wire at this moment and I’m angry; not at anyone particular but angry that I have this fuckin disorder, that I can’t be like everyone else, that during my manic periods I act in ways, I regret, I say and do things that I don’t remember; well maybe I do somewhat but it’s hazy, its like being high or drunk, everything feels like a blank and the whole day is lost when I don’t sleep well; lost in the abyss of my own racing thoughts; a frantic freeway or words and theories and inner grumblings; paranoia, they all hate me; im no good; im defective, my brain doesn’t work like yours and that’s why everyone rejects me.

They hear the rapid speech and see the darting eyes and back away in fear; they know I’m not ok, and if I had just gotten some sleep, they wouldn’t have seen the bipolar monster before them. This isn’t me; it’s my Mr Hyde who spings out at the most inopportune times. The meds help but its not good if I can’t sleep…..

Memoir of the sleeping bipolar that lives inside my mind… 

2 thoughts on “Bipolar

  1. Hmm, I have been accused of many psychological problems but I never really fit the typical things described of any of them. The only person I really believed is the first one I had that said I have anxiety disorder plus depression. i don’t say anything nasty in particular as you’ve described but I get scared of people easily. Sometimes I lose my temper putting up with people but I usually do that when no one is around to hear it. It’s hard on me drive around people who seem to not care they are putting others in danger and themselves. i would say that is more fear of ending up in the hospital. I have other things that I am not sure of and sometimes regret that religion and psychiatrists are at odds with each other. I mean yes, there are Christian psychiatrists but they sometimes propose stuff that is at odds with what the religion says. I have also found that B vitamins do wonders for my nerves. However, I have multiple things chipping away at my nervous system, as my physical and mental problems worsened with a pinched nerve problem. As for some of the things I have going on in my head I have to talk myself out of believing them occasionally, but I don’t feel that makes me much worse than some others in society who seem to react like being nervous or sad is wrong. It’s not wrong if you actually feel that way, sometimes it just takes someone showing they care to make me feel better. I can’t say that that will work for all people though. i am just saying it is sad when society is so like being tough or having to make yourself happy is the solution. It’s as if society has become a bunch of sociopaths or something and also need some help. There are some exceptions that do honestly want to help but others are just nasty because they have to deal with it.

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