Sometimes I don’t want to depress people, so I smile and pretend every is alright when I’m really not. Bringing up depression and anxiety in conversation is uncomfortable even for me, so I plaster a fake smile and try to talk about something pleasant when inside I’m really hurting and I know if I was to say it out loud, I’d get a puzzled and uncomfortable look from the person in front of me, so I think of something interesting to say, so I appear normal, if just for a little while.
But eventually I find a corner. and I find myself hyperventilating because I hate having to be someone I’m not to appease the rest of the world. Sometimes I don’t feel happy and I want to show that side but I can’t. I internalize everything and it goes right to my stomach, I feel sick and it hurts so bad, all those pent up emotions in the form of sickness.
Do you understand where I’m coming from?. Please, let me know, I’m not alone in this. I don’t want your advice or fix, I just want to know I’m not the only one in the room feeling this. If just one person would walk up to me and say ” I feel that way too” I could rest easy. My breathing would subside, my stomach would settle and my mind would slow down.
But it’s yet to happen, I feel small and unwelcome here, I just want to go home, with my music and a bed to lay in, to just slow down these rambling thoughts and get so quiet from living in a world that doesn’t “Get it”