Openly depressed

Sometimes I don’t want to depress people, so I smile and pretend every is alright when I’m really not. Bringing up depression and anxiety in conversation is uncomfortable even for me, so I plaster a fake smile and try to talk about something pleasant when inside I’m really hurting and I know if I was to say it out loud, I’d get a puzzled and uncomfortable look from the person in front of me, so I think of something interesting to say, so I appear normal, if just for a little while.

 

But eventually I find a corner. and I find myself hyperventilating because I hate having to be someone I’m not to appease the rest of the world. Sometimes I don’t feel happy and I want to show that side but I can’t. I internalize everything and it goes right to my stomach, I feel sick and it hurts so bad, all those pent up emotions in the form of sickness.

 

Do you understand where I’m coming from?. Please, let me know, I’m not alone in this. I don’t want your advice or fix, I just want to know I’m not the only one in the room feeling this. If just one person would walk up to me and say ” I feel that way too” I could rest easy. My breathing would subside, my stomach would settle and my mind would slow down.

 

But it’s yet to happen, I feel small and unwelcome here, I just want to go home, with my music and a bed to lay in, to just slow down these rambling thoughts and get so quiet from living in a world that doesn’t “Get it”

26 thoughts on “Openly depressed

  1. You’re never alone! I feel it too. So much so, that I literally almost died in 1999 from the intestinal issues it created (divurticulitis at 23 years old). The emotional issues aside, take care of your physical health to avoid the permanent damage I did to myself.

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  2. In my circle of few but extremely close friends, I will say straight out that I’m feeling depressed. But even with acquaintances and not so close friends, I now honestly say that I’m not feeling 100%. You have to be completely upfront about your feelings sometimes, even if it’s a little dark. Sure, they all won’t understand. But the ones that do, you’ll remember, and they’ll remember. I used to hold it in so much in the past. But it’s come to the point where if I’m upfront about my feelings and depression, it hurts even more later on. It’s hard, it’s really freaking hard to express yourself freely, but I’m learning to do so, for my own sanity. This is just my heart’s two cents, though. Trust me when I say this, however, I relate to how you feel.

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  3. Your post resonates with me immensely! I feel as though I have lived that way most of my life. Some days are not so bad, but then others are positively horrifying. ‘No one will understand’, ‘I don’t have the strength to explain it’, so many excuses go through my mind. But, I have to believe that there is a better way to live life. If it means breaking the silence about the very illness that is so crippling…then maybe that’s what needs to happen. Why should we be made to pretend to live a life that is not truly ours?! The illnesses of depression and anxiety are so very real…but unless you’ve truly been there – it’s a concept that most can wrap their minds around. Keep your chin up, and know that you are definitely not alone!! Take Care!! Sharon

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  4. Hey there! I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I struggle with similar things, physical illness from anxiety. It’s so hard but again, your not alone.

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  5. Been there. Done that! Look at that! Look at all the people who know how you feel. I can see now where the inspiration for your other piece about your journey came from. Awesome. 🙂

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  6. I like to read from the Psalms in the Bible. They are very calming. I like to just be quite with my blackout eye mask on until I feel calm. Many people do feel depressed. Life is tough but God is good.

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