I’m struggling

So right now I am really struggling, no I’m falling apart actually.  I haven’t worked in months, I had to drop out of the one class that is keeping me from graduating from college and I feel unmotivated and hopeless. I haven’t been this consistently depressed in quite a long time, it reminds me of the days when I used to stay up all night and sleep all day because I was totally manic.  And to make matters worse, aside from my family, I have very little support, no friends, no one to call, no one to hang with except for the disabled ministry and I like being around them but it’s not a social group per se, although I had lunch with one of the disabled adults and his mom earlier this week and it was nice, it brightened my day. That being said I am still struggling and I have been writing less and I just don’t feel right.

Its almost 2 am and I am up and I went to the only place I know gives me comfort, my blog.  And even that feels like has dropped in terms of likes or comments, maybe it’s because I haven’t been active. But it sucks and it leads me to my next point. Last week I grew increasingly frustrated with trying to seek mental health support through social media.  I had added all of these people and for the first few days I was getting tons of support and messages and it felt like I had finally been understood and I was discussing mental health advocacy and doing FB lives and getting praise left and right, it was an amazing feeling. About a week later, my reactions dropped from about 150 likes on a few posts to 15 to 20, considering I have 4500 friends, that is ridiculous because I am trying to advocate for mental health and no one is listening.  I grew bitter and anxious so I deactivated all of my social media accounts. It has been a week now and I thought I would feel better but I feel worse. Yes, I was addicted to social media like most people but here’s the thing, it seems to be my only source of support from peers. And I used it because in real life I’m not connected to anyone and for first time in my life I felt like somebody, you know. And within days that was taken away from me.  I don’t if it’s because Facebook is terrible or people just stopped paying attention to what I had to say, but it hurt so I left.

The one thing I have noticed since I left is that I am fuckin lonely and totally isolated, aside from talking to my parents and the disabled ministry, using social media was an escape and it masked the fact that at the end of the day I was completely alone and that in real life, most people don’t care. And yeah, I feel bitter and sad. I even thought about taking a break from blogging but I think I need it right now. I need to get my feelings out somehow. Loneliness encompasses me on some days and I didn’t notice it because I have done everything I can not to think about it.  And I have a feeling this post, much like my posts on facebook, will be ignored as well because it’s too damn long and no one ever takes the time to really and comprehend what I have to say. It is what it is. I just need to get off this my chest. If you did read it and can relate, leave a comment or something so I know you’re here and you’re listening otherwise move on to the next post like you usually do.

Thanks,

Dave

 

 

 

62 thoughts on “I’m struggling

  1. Dear Dave, everything will be fine very soon.. try guided loving kindness meditation from YouTube. Prayers and much love for you. Everything will be fine 😊🕊

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  2. I am someone struggling with mental health as well. Head over to my blog and read posts related to the same, you might find comfort in them.
    Secondly, reading this post I noticed you are relying on social media excessively for support. Although there’s no harm in doing that but relying on it solely to the extent where you’re getting hurt when not getting attention is bad.
    Here’s what I’ve learned in my struggles. Only YOU can help yourself, others can only support. Be it your parents, siblings, friends or people on social media.
    Hope it helps and hope you win all your battles 😊🤗
    I’m always here to listen, leave a message whenever you feel like.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks you so much, I think you are right. I was using it way too much and replying too much on it for validation, that’s not healthy. I think support is important but I try to give myself positive self talk. I dunno. it;s confusing but thanks for the comment and your support

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey man, I read this post as soon as you sent it. Actually, it came up on my computer in the middle of my teaching class. I know you probably have lots of folks who can come on here and say they can relate( and they probably can and do) but it sounds that the one thing you’re in need of is a real tangible relationship. I feel like social media is a nicotine patch that so many of us use to feel validated – when in fact our expectations of how people should respond or treat us through there fall so short of what people can really give or show through it. Though it may be a long post, your words and feelings are not invalid bro. I think that the people who like your posts and comment truly do like you and want to support you as much as they can through this limited medium. Don’t give up hope completely, things will turn around. It’s the waiting that sucks, but nothing lasts forever. Especially these dreary days when nothing seems to go right.

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    1. Thanks, dude for the comment. Yes, i would like to be connected with more people. Luckily I am part of a disabled ministry that I volunteer with and that has been great and I am also assisting in an ESL, I really enjoy. If I put my energy in that ,I know I’ll feel better

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  4. The last time I was on Facebook, which I have up and closed for many reasons is one of the reasons I felt alone.
    I will never go back to Facebook. It’s not healthy. It’s not healthy when you are on a nice bus ride observing the world around which when you do, everyone is on their phone, on Facebook. So I won’t be on it for a third attempt.
    I wouldn’t have been on it for a second attempt, had it not been for a fun leisure course I took.
    I don’t miss Facebook. Facebook, you can easily waste your time looking at a screen rather than doing other fun things and for me, my fun thing is getting out and walking somewhere to keep me feeling good as I can be.
    But for the time I felt lonely on Facebook, I don’t hold a grudge towards others for making me feel alone.
    I had under twenty friends on Facebook, because I wanted quality friendship, not quantity.
    My other friends had three hundred or more in friends on their list.
    I am not going to appear on their timeline, when they have that many. So they are not going to see my posts. Yet I was faithful chatting on theirs.
    You can’t keep up with that amount of friends, so why add that many people?
    I was wanted when I was left back three people. But never I will go back. I am better off without it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally understand where you are coming from. The reason I was one there so much is that I was trying to mental health advocacy and to share my writing. When I really think about it, I was getting some good responses but I guess I wanted me. A little ungrateful. I actually reactivated my facebook because I feel MORE lonely without it. It wish it wasn;t the case but it’s the truth. I will plan on posting less and trying to use it in moderation. I’d like to spend more time outside, trying to connect with others, it’s difficult

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There is no harm for you in reducing, rather than stopping altogether and see how you are with that. Certainly when you sleep to try and avoid Facebook and if possibly screen time altogether when you would normally be asleep, as so not to disturb too much of yourself and find alternatives for you to help you relax.
        Maybe have one day a week from Facebook altogether, to help you focus on something else for yourself.
        Outside, even a walk somewhere yourself for a change of scenery can be a difference to four walls. Even just for a few hours.
        When you are low and depressed, it can be so easy to focus on just yourself, so it’s being aware, but still being kind to you.
        Help people near you, like your family, or neighbours.
        I have a friend who would feel more lonely giving up Facebook too, like you. But some if the people he connects with on Facebook, he does see them in some way. Facebook is just that little connection in between seeing them, as well as what ever other interests he uses it for.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I find that Facebook is not a good place for writers. The average FB user is into the quick blip on their screen and they tend to roll on past longer posts. I am not sure if they were like that before FB entered their lives or if FB made them that way by choosing what it wants to show up on one’s home page.

        WordPress is better suited to writers, readers, the emotionally rich, and the deep thinkers.

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      3. I couldn
        t agree with you more. People don’t want to take the time to read longer post. Although I see other people posting poetry and they get far more likes and comments than I do, it really hurts and makes me think that my writing isn’t that great

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  5. Dave, I know how you feel. A few weeks ago, I was at rehearsals and got a call that my mom may have had a stroke. Thank God she did not and is ok. But at that moment I realized that if she were to leave me, I’d have no one. I will be completely alone. It scares me because the feeling won’t leave. I thought I had made good friends but it seems most are ignoring me. So I know how you feel. It’s tough but we can’t give up. Depression can keep you captive if you do not dig yourself out from under it. Stay strong and lean on those God has put in your life. They understand and are there to help. Keep blogging. Use it as therapy. Reactivating your social media is a personal choice but the lack of comments may not have anything to do with you. FB and IG have had so many issues lately. Check your settings and make sure no one is blocked. I found out FB had blocked some of my good friends and I couldn’t see their posts. So stay encouraged and keep your head up.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I feel the exact same way, if I didn’t have my parents, I’d be alone. I have people out here who care but they don’t live here. So I am isolated where I live. But I am involved in a church and I have grown to care about them. I won’t stop writing because it helps me. Thanks for the support, friend

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Facebook may well be to blame and not the people on one’s friend list. Facebook and its nasty social experiments are doing more harm than good to too many people.

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  6. Hi Dave,
    Your post really struck me bc I can absolutely relate. Social media is a fickle business, love hate and an artificial means of socializing ultimately. It creates a high of sorts, I too gain and lose followers constantly. You mentioned it yourself, you have 4500 “friends” but feel you have none in real life to really connect with. The more someone relies or seeks out connections through social media is, this is a fact, one becomes more and more depressed. I urge you to connect with real people face to face. I have been in your shoes and luckily at that time I was very involved with a few free support groups through the psychiatric hospital I had been inpatient at. They offered, as do many, free support groups with varying topics. It is vital and crucial to develop, cultivate and preserve our face to face human interactions. I suggest you focus more on the real tangible face to face interactions and less on the social media ones. I am an extremely genuine person and please know you can reach out whenever you feel you need support. Like i said, i have been in your shoes. There are kindered spirits out here who care. You are not alone. Your feelings, intense as they may seem, aren’t always facts. We tend to have a skewed perception when we are in the height of our struggling. Take care my fellow writing friend✌

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well, I am connected at church and that is very helpful but even there I feel shy, it takes me a long time to trust people but I am slowly feeling more comfortable with them. I see the correlation between social media and depression but there have been some positive things as well. I have connected with some incredible people who have been really supportive and connected with old friends that I haven’t seen it years. I want to use it in moderation and get control over my fb usage. Thank for caring and your support, I really appreciate it

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I Woke up and can’t get back to sleep. Work in. A Few hours 🤦🏻‍♀️
    If you can’t walk, then crawl. I wish you good things and forward progress. Goodnight / good morning.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Hi Dave….i just read your article.You know what…you are not the only person out there dealing with problems in your life…everyone is.So first,come out of your depression..i know it is easier said than done but you know if you don’t…well..you can never be happy again…after all you are your own best healer..if you are not willing to help yourself then not even Asclepius can do any thing…your words are your strength..don’t leave it..i have read your posts(to be honest only a few)…but i really like your writing..you see i am not so regular with this blog…i have created my blog without my parents’ knowledge…anyways..my point is people can never mend your mind or heart..it is you who can..Love yourself Dave..don’t feel lonely…do what you love the most…write.read.sing…even dance or play…i am not kidding..it will help..no matter what, the child in you is always there to help you…do the craziest things possible..bring yourself out of the cocoon you have spun around you…but at the end focus back to your work..whatever you want to do..work hard Dave…you will get there..continue your pen work..you write really good..please Dave come out of your depression and herald a new beginning…there.. i did not notice i had written so much…i would really love to see you back with a new article and new spirits…take care…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You can conveniently meditate on this scripture quote:

    Psalm 23:1 TPT
    David’s poetic praise to God The Lord is my best friend and my shepherd. I always have more than enough.

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  10. Hey there…Hi Dave..i just read your article…you know what..you are not the only one to be dealing with problems Dave..everyone is…no one can mend you if you do not do that yourself…after all you are your own best healer…i am not regular with my blog…my parents do not even know about it..but i have read a few of your articles..you really write good.Bring yourself out of the cocoon that you have spun around you…take time..do what you love the most…read,write,sing or even dance or play…no..i am not kidding..it will make you feel better…you can always go to the child in you for help…now…you need yourself the most….Love yourself Dave….social media is just a platform..not a healer…it can create illusions of the worst kind…steer away from it…use it…but don’t get used by it…go on Dave..come out of your depression…herald a new beginning…go back to your work and do it with renewed energy..love your work….i want to see you with a new article and a smile…i don’t want you to be sad or lonely anymore…Take care:)

    Liked by 1 person

  11. The highs and lows of our existential existence / trying to hold onto some sort of self, even if it is in virtual land, as tho that is what grounds us. God grounds us my friend. You know that deep down, but sometimes it gets clouded along the way. ;(

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I am praying for you brother. I read every word of this post and I understand. I have struggled through depression in my life and it hurts bad. You are not alone brother. God is with you and He loves you. Keep pressing on and lean into Him. He will lift you up!

    Liked by 4 people

  13. I am so sorry you’re feeling this way my friend 😦
    I can understand how frustrating it is to try and spread a positive message and feel like no one cares. I struggle with that every time I post on my blog or on Facebook.
    And I understand what it’s like to struggle and feel like no one is there. Even though I know I have people to turn to, it’s hard to burden them with my how I’m feeling when I know they’re dealing with issues of their own. So I just struggle on my own until I somehow feel better on my own.
    But I hope you know how strong you are and even though it doesn’t feel like it, someone out there is listening to you and gaining strength from your words. Your words matter. What you’re doing matters, so don’t give up spreading your message!

    Liked by 4 people

  14. Dave,
    Your blogging family is always here to listen and support each other. We ALL need the support. Never forget that. I am in a similar situation as you in regards to feeling isolated and alone. I don’t have that many friends. Most people couldn’t run fast enough when they heard “bipolar.” It sucks. It really sucks. But again, don’t stop blogging. Even if a handful of people like or comment, it is something. I’m here anytime you need to talk!

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you so much for all the support. Loneliness is a terrible feeling and I know people care but sometimes my depression doesn’t allow me to see that. I actually decided to reactivate my account but I am going to approach social media differently by posting less and trying to take breaks every so often. I DO need the support and pulling that away didn’t actually help. If I had real life support, I could do without social media but I don’t. I learned a lot during break and hope that going forward social media can be a more positive experience

      Liked by 3 people

  15. I think I’ve had less than 5 comments on my blog so you’re doing great. It’s easy to fall into the pit of self doubt when stats drop, but you’ve done good things. I don’t know anyone where I live so I can relate to isolation…try to get out more and have coffee or something. That helps me. Hope things get better soon!

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  16. Hi. I don’t know you but I care about you! I am sorry you are suffering! I’ve suffered from severe depression my entire life. The saying I hate the most is ‘you can choose to be happy.’ Umm, obviously the person who said that has NEVER felt the disabling hands of depression. And it pisses me off. All I do know is everything shall eventually pass. Please stay strong. I know its the hardest thing you have ever dealt with! I know your pain! I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I just want you to know that you are not alone! Much love.

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  17. Having read through this thread of comments, I feel comforted by all the beautiful communication, and it’s not even directed at me. It feels like love. It is a much-needed thing to be swirling around in this realm. I thank God for love.

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  18. By the way, your video link doesn’t work, but the title showed up. I sought it out on YouTube and found a version with Mick Jagger and John Lennon talking at the intro. The friendship and love they exude is further comfort.

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