The person I am on the inside doesn’t always match the person I am on the outside. I call that inner voice my writer’s side; I always come up with the right words and know what to say; I connect with others in meaningful way; I speak and people seem to listen; I feel understood for the first time in my life; it feels incredible beyond belief. I am a different person when I type; I feel confident, sure of myself; I have the confidence to express my deep feelings without regret; I am not afraid to appear vulnerable and instead of mockery; I get empathy; it feels so good that I am able to have that same compassion and acceptance of others; a truly positive way of being.
The outward side of me is like night and day; I don’t have that same confidence; I never know what to say; I stumble over my words; when I speak, I feel misunderstood; the thoughts make sense in my head but I can never find a way to convey them out loud; so, I recoil and head to the corner of the room. I am terrified of appearing vulnerable in real life; so, I keep my feelings to myself. And when I have expressed my feelings I either get blank stares or mockery it hurts. Sometimes I just want to avoid people all together. People might tell me in person; I love your writing; I don’t how to react and I want to tell them “Don’t expect me to be the same person in real life” I’m shy and awkward and I hate myself in person; I wish I could be the same person outwardly as my writing side. I wish I could be that confident; I wish I could be the person you think I am through my writing but I can’t. It makes me feel lonely. Sorry if you’re disappointed.