Two sides of me

The person I am on the inside doesn’t always match the person I am on the outside. I call that inner voice my writer’s side; I always come up with the right words and know what to say; I connect with others in meaningful way; I speak and people seem to listen; I feel understood for the first time in my life; it feels incredible beyond belief.  I am a different person when I type; I feel confident, sure of myself; I have the confidence to express my deep feelings without regret; I am not afraid to appear vulnerable and instead of mockery; I get empathy; it feels so good that I am able to have that same compassion and acceptance of others; a truly positive way of being.

The outward side of me is like night and day; I don’t have that same confidence; I never know what to say; I stumble over my words; when I speak, I feel misunderstood; the thoughts make sense in my head but I can never find a way to convey them out loud; so, I recoil and head to the corner of the room.  I am terrified of appearing vulnerable in real life; so, I keep my feelings to myself. And when I have expressed my feelings I either get blank stares or mockery it hurts. Sometimes I just want to avoid people all together.  People might tell me in person; I love your writing; I don’t how to react and I want to tell them “Don’t expect me to be the same person in real life” I’m shy and awkward and I hate myself in person; I wish I could be the same person outwardly as my writing side. I wish I could be that confident; I wish I could be the person you think I am through my writing but I can’t. It makes me feel lonely. Sorry if you’re disappointed.

21 thoughts on “Two sides of me

  1. ” I am terrified of appearing vulnerable in real life; so, I keep my feelings to myself. And when I have expressed my feelings I either get blank stares or mockery it hurts. Sometimes I just want to avoid people all together”.

    I can relate to feeling misunderstood and being mocked by others. I feel really vulnerable in public as well. I’m happiest in solitude and alone in nature. I feel more connected with animals and nature than people. Having a big heart is both a gift and a curse my friend. I know what it’s like.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I think a lot of people are fake and don’t really show who they truly are usually because of fear. To be open and vulnerable around others takes a lot of courage. I prefer people who are real and don’t hide behind a facade or mask.

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  2. You sound pretty normal to me.

    I think most creative people can identify.
    I do remember a Native American mot about,
    (paraphrased) “…there is light and dark in all of us.
    The one we feed is the one that grows.”

    That said, it’s the balance that makes it all work.
    I really enjoyed reading your thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. I guess I had had the same ability to express my feelings offline. At the same time; people seem uncomfortable with people who are overly emotional. I dunno. I don’t understand people, I guess. Thanks for the comment

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think a lot of people can relate. You are not alone. I often feel much more confident sharing out loud about things I have given much thought, and especially if I’ve already written it down.
    What about Moses? He argued with God because of his inability to speak well. Then he turned around and became an amazing man of God, wrote 5 books of the Bible, and will be remembered forever.
    I’d say you’re on the right track. 👍😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone. And I remember reading the bible a few years back and I was struck by the story of how Moses stuttered and asked God to choose someone else but God knew Moses had a gift of leading people. Thank you for the support and may God bless you tonight

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  4. You definitely are not alone in your feelings. Though it is happening to others too, they also retreat to the corner of the room. I did go through a stage like you when I was younger. At my age today, I just like being me pretty well the same inside and outside. But this did not happen overnight.
    Bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s self doubt leaving you tongue tied in real life. All us introverts are the same there to varying degrees. Keep writing and keep reminding yourself that the inner you is the real one and it’s safe to let that you shine. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am sorry you have such struggles, but it is refreshing to “hear” another guy talk about such things. We need to, as you write in your posts. I only recently wrote about my challenges, and I did it in a book…you can imagine how I felt when it published. Part of me wanted to run for cover. But, you know what happened? Readers wrote to me, quite a few of them. It helped more than I can tell, mostly because they said my words were cathartic…for them! I hope you continue to write; you have an engaging style. You never know, it might lead you to places you can’t imagine. My best wishes.

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    1. Thank you. I cant imagine sharing my struggles in a published book but like you, I am always surprised at the positive responses. Its amazing when our words can reach people in such a way. Thank you and I am feeling a little better. I appreciate your comment

      Liked by 1 person

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