I just want to first say are going really well for me right now; my new job seems to be working out; I am active in volunteering with the disabled ministry; I am reaching out to people online and the past two weeks I have been able to attend church; I couldn’t be happier right now. And on top of all these good things I have been getting a lot of praise from people at church, work and a lot of online support ( I love the comments and messages; they make my day) Also I just started making videos and the response has been positive. I admit I am self conscious about how I come across; how I speak and my appearance but people have been unbelievably supportive. Making videos creates so much anxiety for me, but I am finding that people have been beyond kind; I didn’t expect it; to be honest. And offline I am getting compliments left and right; especially about my work with the disabled ministry; a lot of parents of the young adults have been praising me and I hear good things; it makes me smile. I had no idea I was so appreciated but I try to be kind and gentle and I think they can see that.
I just want to say that I am not bragging; I try to stay humble. I know a lot of us can feel unappreciated and unloved sometimes and I have felt that way all my life; so this is all new to me. And that’s the thing; like anyone else; I love compliments and it kinda sets me on an emotional high which isn’t always good; maybe it occupies my thoughts too much and I have to tell myself to slow down and take a breather and not get big headed about it. But even though I love praise at times; it also makes me very anxious because I am not used to especially when it’s almost everyday and from so many people ( some I know and some I don’t know). It makes me nervous because a part of me feels like I’m not worthy of the praise. I have felt so bad about myself for so long ( and been treated so poorly by others) that I question the authenticity of their praise. Do they really mean it? Is it pity? Is it going to blow up in my face when they find out I am not as great as they say I am? I have a past; like anyone else and I have behaved in ways that I’m not proud of; although I feel like I am a much different person these days. All this praise feels like I am in the spotlight; when some days I prefer to be in the background and yet I crave it; it’s a terrible paradox. I am hoping over time I can learn to enjoy praise without questioning it and not be as anxious when someone says ” You’re so wonderful”
So when someone praises you how do you handle it? I know most of us would accept the compliments but how do you handle it internally? Do you obsess about it? Do you question it? I used to think to myself; I would ecstatic to have all these praise; and sure it’s great but damn does it create anxiety. I am really reaching out here and looking for help because I should be happy but some days I just feel overwhelmed with it all. It’s like I woke up one day and became a different person overnight and it’s like a dream. But I will say that no matter what happens ( and if an some alternate reality I become a famous author) I never want to forget where I came from and all the people that were there for me on those days where I wasn’t getting praised and I felt like life was a battle; days that were long and exhausting. That’s all I have for today. Thank you again; I am eternally grateful for all your kind and beautiful comments and praises; you make all the difference in my life. Take care of yourselves.
With much love,
Feeling like a million bucks after a much needed haircut