Today was a good day at work and I stayed busy; actually I spent most of my shift gathering carts and loading items into customer’s cars; it’s not really helping my cold; to be honest; but it’s not a difficult part of my job; I like moving around. I am anxious about the new job because it is seasonal and not a permanent position; those that they deem the “best” are chosen to stay while the rest are let go; it’s that competition that gives me anxiety. I am great with customers and get along with my supervisors so far; I’m on time and haven’t made any major mistakes. No one has pulled me aside and said I wasn’t doing well or yelled at me; so that’s great. But I am a slow learner; I have learning disabilities along with emotional difficulties at times; I also struggle with ADHD and have Bi-polar and top it all off I have stomach and bladder problems which leads me to run to bathroom more often than most ( although I am seem to be managing it better at Costco). I know that I am already at a disadvantage and it feels like I’m trying out for the football team and I won’t make the cut; with my broken leg. I am trying my best but sometimes I’m slower than others and I may make little mistakes and I beat up on myself; I push myself and say I have to perfect or else they won’t hire me after the season. I just put a lot of pressure on myself and find myself anxious throughout the day ( it is nothing compared to when I was Sears; it’s internal and I don’t think I show it on the outside)
So towards the end of my shift I was feeling kind of tired and worried about whether I could stay at Costco full time; I said a little prayer to myself and asked God for help. As I was getting carts it was close to the end of my shift at 5 pm and the sky was getting a little dark and I could hear the sound of a distant train; I love the sounds of trains during dusk; by the way. There is something beautiful about dusk during fall; I can’t explain it; I remember as a kid walking with my family to this path in our neighborhood that lead to a little playground; that must have been made when the neighborhood was built; plopped on the grass; like it came from nowhere. It was dusk during fall and I could hear the owls hooting and it was I dunno kind of magical. I’m off track but I do love that time of day.
Anyways out of the blue; I kept thinking of this bible verse that we had focused on during the retreat with the disabled ministry that I had volunteered with. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” It was the perfect quote for this retreat because I had just joined the group and I didn’t know them well and I was filled with anxiety; much like I am with this new job. And all of a sudden; I felt myself calming down and the anxiety subsided. I thought about all the hardships I faced in my life; so many obstacles and God always took care of me; even when I didn’t realize it. I came to the realization that no matter what happens come December; I will be fine. I am just going to enjoy the time I have at Costco; work as hard as I can; Work well with others and get a nice paycheck. I am so blessed to be at Costco right now; I am blessed to have family and friends who love me and gratitude will get me through; whatever happens. I know God loves me and won’t steer me wrong; the thought kept coming to me; faith; have faith; don’t worry. I feel the more I worry; the worse I’ll do. All it took was one little prayer and I felt God speaking to me in that parking lot; with all those people around and cars honking; at that moment I felt at peace. I thought about how I messaged a childhood friend ( who has been a huge supporter and someone I care about deeply) to tell her about the new job and she stated that not only was thrilled for me but she knew my brother ( who passed) would be proud. As I replayed that message in my head; I felt teary eyed; the love of my friends is the work of God; letting me know I’m loved and those are the things that help me through stressful times. So despite my anxiety; I will be ok and I will continue to have faith in God and allow him to work in my life.
Thanks for listening