Thanksgiving is coming up and this is the season for gratitude; although I know when I am in a negative space; it’s easy to be anything but grateful. I wrote earlier about how I was struggling at work; how I was anxious and felt overwhelmed and I also want to add that I feel antagonized at times; people will try to engage me when it’s clearly obvious that I don’t want to talk to them; it only makes me more anxious and irritable. Anyways today was another frustrating day; the Christmas music is really grating. I tried really hard today to focus on the good things in my life that could make me smile and the first thing I thought about was the overwhelming positive responses I get on my blog; beautiful comments that make me feel like my writing makes a difference in people’s lives or that someone can relate to what I’m saying; that I’m not alone because when I am at work; feeling like I have no value and people are looking at me and treating me as if I am terrible person; I feel completely alone and helpless; it’s just a negative place to be. So thinking about how all my wonderful followers helps me to see that I do matter; I do have talent; I am worth something and I don’t deserve ( no one does) to be treated this way. So I say it a lot but I’ll say it again; I am so so extremely blessed to have you in my online life; we are a community and I really appreciate how supportive people are; it’s heartwarming ( Here I am again; overemotional). If only you know what your responses meant to me on days like this.
I also thinking about my friends and family who I love so much. I get so many positive responses from them as well; they are rooting and praying for me and I also don’t think they realize how much they mean to me; I am blessed to have such caring friends because not everyone has that. I have friends I can message when I am struggling and they accept me for who I am. I have pretty much told them everything that is going on with me ( the anxiety and being on the spectrum) and they are extremely supportive; I really cherish those friendships. It hurts that they live so far away; otherwise I’d see them in person. So when I feel mistreated at work; I think of my friends and family and I feel grateful for them. I know that I am a kind person and I’m gentle ( in the right environment) and a lot of people see that as a weakness and therefore treat you poorly but it’s not reflection on me; it’s reflection on them.
The last thing I think about that makes me feel better is my volunteer work with the disabled ministry; it has been such an incredible experience; I really love working with these young adults and how unbelievably kind they are; and the least judgemental people I have come across; they will be your friends right away. I love my fellow volunteers, the lady who is the leader; I have really grown to love her; she is very sweet and thinks highly of me; which is not at all how I feel at work. Apparently she has told other people about how much she appreciates me helping and how much I care; it’s such a welcome relief from being treated like a pariah who can’t do anything right. It’s just a positive environment since it’s in a church; it isn’t noisy; no one is rushing you; everyone is respectful; no loud abrasive music and I enjoy being there; among the young adults who are a joy to work with. I also have gotten to know some of the parents of the young adults and various church members; such as a 91 year old woman who adores me ( she gives me a hug every time she sees me) and she brightens my whole week; like having a grandma again.
I think about all those things and realize God is working in my life; he is taking care of me and that this rough patch is temporary. So yes I am stuck in the noisy, dirty place; on my feet; full of people I don’t like but I can change my mindset; I don’t have to let them control me. They may be able to take away my time and my dignity and some of my sanity ( lol) but they can’t take this blog or my writing; they can’t destroy my wonderful friendships; they can’t control my thoughts or feelings;they can’t take away my relationship with God; it gives me the power back; I don’t have to let them have so much control over me. God has blessed me beyond belief and I will continue to pray and get up and do what I need to do everyday; God will give me the strength to get through this; I believe that with all of my heart.
edit- As I was writing this I got a phone call from Costco and I have a job interview tomorrow. I am so excited and this is another reason why God is working in my life. When I am at my lowest point; he comes through; he listens and I might just get that Christmas miracle; a new job and maybe a positive new chapter in my life. God is good.