I was talking to my therapist last week and I mentioned I sensed I was getting more attention from women ( flirting, looks, compliments); which is unusual for me because dating has always been difficult and because of it I don’t have a lot of confidence especially since I’ve never been in a long term relationship. But I was telling her how I felt more confident; partially due to writing; and I’m less fearful of women I’m interested in; she said that soon I might be dating; which makes me nervous to be honest. That’s for someone else; not for me.
But I started thinking about what it would be like to be in a relationship ; having someone to confide in; sharing things with her, learning about just how to be in romantic relationship (sort of a foreign concept.) Those things sound nice but there is a lot of fear of sharing my personal history with someone who doesn’t know me. It’s one thing to share things with my friends who already know me and are painfully aware of my history but it’s a whole different story sharing my painful past with a woman that I am interested in romantically. That’s why I would never add anyone I was remotely interested in on my social media; it might make them think twice about wanting to know me; that hurts.
It’s a scenario that often plays in my head. Let’s say I meet a beautiful woman and we start talking to each other and suddenly we are a couple and now are sharing our personal lives with each other; our family history. That is the most painful question: Do you have siblings? What do I say? Do I deny my brother’s existence and say I’m an only child and spare her the truth about his death? Or do I tell her the truth that he is dead and then comes the dreaded question: how did he die? As far as I have come and as much support as I have; I still feel some shame of the fact that he took his life. It raises some many questions in a person’s eyes about mental illness and my own mental state. That’s a lot of baggage to being carrying around and not everyone is understanding. ( in fact most people don’t have a clue) And I have no idea how I’d go about it.
And I am not actively pursuing a relationship; I will continue to work on myself but it is a possibility for the future. Like anyone else; I’d like a relationship; I think I have good qualities and am very caring but I’m dealing with past issues that very few people are dealing with and I do think it has an impact on all my relationships. I hope as I can continue reaching out to my friends, writing and healing; that everything will work out the way it is supposed to.
Thanks for listening as always