Sunrise ( Memories)

I met them in the fall/winter of ’95; I remember thinking all the guys were cool and I had crushes on the all the girls; my brother was there for his issues with drugs.  I was 12 at the time.  I admired the camaraderie; I guess that comes from teenagers all living in the same house ( even if it was a drug treatment facility) and I was jealous of it since I didn’t have many friends of my own; my brother was a likeable guy.  We used to go there on occasion to bring food; I missed my brother when he was there ( even though he was only 15 minutes away); I still missed having him in the house but I was glad he was safe.  They all went to meetings together and I think I went to one to observe or maybe it was a get together for the treatment center;  but it seemed more like a social gathering than an AA meeting; I thought it was pretty cool.

2 years later when my brother died; they were all the house and it was a strange feeling; I was sad but at the same time all these girls I had crushes on were hugging me and saying how sorry they were; I felt bad that I liked the attention. That was 20 years ago so I can’t remember any of their names or faces ( except for 1) so all I can do is remember the feelings I had.  They seemed like good kids and they were really sad; I think that even though they knew him for a short while; they really grew to like him and if you know him you’d understand why. I think a couple times we went to visit their parents but that was it; they didn’t come to visit and moved on with their lives ( which is to be expected)

About 3 years later I myself started to attend 12 step meetings and I look back and wonder why. I mean, I don’t think I was an addict ( I used it to escape but it was on occasion and infrequently). I truly believe a part of why i joined was the friendships I had seen my brother made; I wanted that.  So I was lonely and have been seeking a group to belong; because I always questioned whether I should have been there in the first place.  I went to this church in Alexandria and I saw some of them. Wait maybe one of them picked me up; that could have been it.   But I know one of the girls I really liked was there and i was talking to someone he knew as well. I was shy at the time (especially around girls) and had difficulties socializing.  I just sat and puffed on cigarette after cigarette.  I always had the feeling that they were not comfortable with me after everything that happened; like I was a reminder of my brother’s death; which was sudden, painful and left more questions than answers. I had gotten in trouble a few weeks before and they were going to send me away to school like 6 hours away. I clearly remember for whatever reason telling this beautiful friend of my brother that I was leaving and if she could write me; I don’t think she ever did and I made no attempts to contact anyone of them.  I felt hurt that I couldn’t connect with these people even though I barely knew them. And that was that; I never heard or saw any of them again; even though a year later I joined another 12 step group but none of them were there.

Around 2010 I joined facebook and found some of them and requested and I saw what they were up to but I just wasn’t interested in reconnecting with these people and they probably were not interested in connecting with me.  I think the one girl I really like had gotten married and moved to Ireland. Most of them had gotten married and had kids and careers; a part of that made me sad that they had moved on and my brother never got that chance; he could have been married with kids just like them. I often wonder whatever happened to them and wonder why today they crossed my mind. I wonder if they ever stop and think about us; if only for a brief second. I’m not intending on connecting with them but sometimes I wonder. You know?

4 thoughts on “Sunrise ( Memories)

  1. I think it’s easy to look back fondly on the past and, for you the ties to your brother. But people move on and change, you are not the same person trying to find camaraderie in a group and they will likely be different too.
    There’s a quote I like which is ‘don’t look back you’re not going that way’.
    Take care,

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I joined a 12 step meeting years ago, and I go more intermittently. It’s hard for me to develop a routine especially when I talk myself out of doing things. I am not an alcoholic but I’m pretty damn codependent. I’ve only recently started to open up. And who knows, in a couple weeks I can shut down just as quick and try to make the rounds I have only mine and not share with other people, because I don’t want to bother them. I do enjoy the meetings and I have found a nice confidant in one or two of the group members. Best of luck

    Liked by 1 person

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