I am by far not a perfect person and one of my major flaws is anger; many times in my life I have overreacted and it has come with some pretty serious consequences; when I was a teenager I punched a wall in school and was sent to a treatment center for 6 months; where my stomach problems began; to the point where I was so sick; I passed out onto a table. Anger for me is so hard to control but I have no excuse when I act out. As I have started writing and working on myself as a person; I have grown and have better control over my anger but I have my days; and today was one of them; I am not proud of myself right now.
I work a really frustrating job in retail; I don’t have weekends off; I work an erratic schedule on my feet and the whole shift I am on the go from one end of the store to the other ( it is a department store with 2 levels) and one minute I may be getting a pair of shoes; the next lugging a pool table into someone’s car; it is exhausting and makes me so anxious; which of course makes me feel even sicker. Anyways today was a bad day at work; it was extremely busy and I had a lot of anxiety. Sometimes I’ll check Facebook a billion times to try to get some relief; other times I try to write in my little phone notepad; blogs or poems; writing helps to calm me down. And someday it seems that the more i try to write; the more I’m interrupted; by customers, by orders, by pickups and I realize I am supposed to be working but I have this thing about writing; i’ll have these streams of thoughts and they come to me randomly and all of sudden I have this urge to write. I’m very ADD about it and I get nervous because if I don’t write it down; I’ll forget it. In fact a lot of my blogs are written under stress at work; my best poems are written that way. I must appear crazy to everyone around me; they wonder why I’m on my phone all the time. In a way I feel like saying ” this phone and my writing is the one thing that’s stopping me from telling you to fuck off”; so it’s great tool when I use it.
I have a routine when I get home; I throw off my shoes; put my regular clothes on and check my social media and write any blogs I have made on my phone; it’s a cool down period for me. Today I was writing my previous blog; a facebook post I had copied from a friend; which was very moving by the way; and I kept getting interrupted. The first time I managed to bite my tongue and answer nicely although it probably came across as a low growl. The second interruption came when I was trying to edit a post so I was not using a person’s name ( i like to protect anonymity) Someone start complaining that I hadn’t moved my car; and I wasn’t listening; something about me being too focused on my writing; and I lost it. I slammed my phone down; kicked over the chair; slammed the door and yelled to never interrupt me when I’m writing. I have gotten so much better at not losing my temper and yet here I was; out of control. There’s no excuse but writing is so important to me; it’s not some trivial thing that I do for fun; it’s my therapy and who knows maybe I could make money from it one day. Writing takes a lot of concentration for me; i find myself zoning out when I am writing a long blog and any noise or distraction just sets me off; maybe it’s because I am on the spectrum or maybe it’s that I take my writing seriously but I need that time as soon as I get down to wind down; it’s part of my mental health. I get frustrated that I don’t have a place of my own to write; I get frustrated that I don’t a Sunday off to sit and write; I am too smart to be working this shit job but my disabilities make it difficult to find one that is 9-5 with weekends off. That being said when I act out in anger in hurts because I know I can do better; all I can do is hope tomorrow is a better day.
FYI- I had to write this once everyone was asleep and I could write in peace without any interruptions