I first want to say thank you to everyone who follows and interacts with me on this blog. I still can’t believe how positive the comments have been regarding my posts; I have received a ton of support and I really appreciate that. Lately I have been I have been making less posts than I did in the past; I guess I have been busy and haven’t had the energy to write as much or respond in a prompt manner. But this blog has been therapy for me; a way to get out my feelings in a safe place with people who understand and it’s an amazing thing. I plan on blogging for many years to come.
In the past year and especially since I have started blogging my life has changed in many positive ways. I am slowly adding enriching things in my life; things I was too scared to do in the past; if something suggested this or that; I’d say I’d think about it; knowing I would never taking them on the suggestion; a lot of had to do with fear; more than anything else. I am a fearful person and I think like most people I don’t want to get out of my comfort zone. But know I am doing things that I wasn’t doing a year ago; for example this blog itself. For many years I had many thoughts and ideas, feelings that I never shared with anyone. I thought if I shared these things people would laugh or reject what I had to say; I was wrong. Writing and the feedback I got from it gave me a boost of confidence that I have learn to use in other areas of my life; I feel like I am actually good at something and have something to offer others; a conversation starter. Through the blog and sharing and reading poetry online; I recently decided to attend a poetry reading; I had never heard poetry read out loud; I was amazed at how encouraging people were of each other and at that moment realized that I could face my fears and share my poetry at the next meetup. This is all new to me and I am the first to admit that I am terrified of public speaking especially when sharing personal writings with strangers I do not know; but my friends have encouraged me and that has given me the confidence to get up to the mic. Next week is the meetup and I will muster up the courage to share one of my writings ( no more than 1!) with an audience; we’ll see how that goes and I am sure that I will make a post about it.
I have also ventured into other areas; I am partially bilingual but sadly have no place to practice my Spanish outside of the home. A very long time ago a counselor suggested that I join this Spanish conversation group where you sit around a circle and speak Spanish; I dismissed it that the time because of fear ( of course) A few years later I decided to just go one day and was pleasantly surprised; I took my dad for support and I came to realize a lot of the speakers were at the same level as me; no one laughed at my Spanish; I met some nice people and I could finally have a conversation in Spanish without someone rolling their eyes; I loved it. I love to speak Spanish and to learn new things; I always say you should never stop learning. I regret not going to this conversation hour in the past; I suffer from anxiety and depression and at the time I was scared of meeting new people. The idea of a large group of strangers scared me; so I was more content just to stay at home and hide. I no longer think that way; I am not content sitting at home when I could out meeting new and interesting people. I figure you will never meet people if you stay home feeling sorry for yourself; I never had that kind of positive thinking before; it’s amazing
As many of my followers always ready know I am in school trying to a degree to help adults with special needs; it is something I am passionate about and I think it is a great field; I want to make a difference. I work retail and I never get a Sunday off ;so I miss church, which has been something I would like to participate in. In the past; I stayed away from church; I didn’t like being up early on a Sunday morning; being with large crowds and sounds of people coughing or crying babies. Anyways I finally got a Sunday off and just happened to be at the service where they were talking about a ministry for adults with special needs; it made my ears perk up. I told the minister I was really impressed with this ministry and he said he wanted me to be a part of it; I was really excited at the prospect at working with the disabled; and without being graded or judged; I can really enjoy this experience and be there for the pure enjoyment and not a part of school. I had an internship where I was at agency for those with developmental disabilities and I loved the clients but I struggled with the staff; I felt judged; I felt my compassion wasn’t enough and that I wasn’t guided into making the internship successful; I was really disappointed. But I am one that believes God leads to where you need to be and I just happened to be at that service on that one Sunday so I could hear that message of the ministry; I feel it could be my calling. I have contacted the ministry and I hope that my schedule will allow me to participate somehow. I just can’t believe this is happening because 5 years; I was unemployed; dealing with health problems; emotional difficulties; disabled and feeling sorry for myself. I turned that around and now I am able to be in service of others; I can take those dark moments and use it to help others who are struggle; life is a funny thing to me.
I just feel like a different person these days; a year ago I felt I had no friends; no one who cared about me and I just couldn’t relate to other people; I couldn’t make people understand how I felt or what was in my head. Through my writing people have insight into everything I have been feeling over the years and it brought me closer to others. I’ve learned how to reach out to others ( mostly online since I have moved away and don’t know a lot of people where I am). I have learned to be a good friend who encourages others and I try to be kinder more gentler person than I was in the past. I have always been a sensitive person but I saw it as a weakness; I didn’t want to express my feelings because as a man it made me seem vulnerable but now I embrace it. In the past I kept everything bottled up and it really affected me emotionally; I became a wreck and I all I felt was anger all the time. Now I see sensitivity as a gift and I no longer fear being labeled as weak because I see myself as a strong person; it takes strength to express your feelings openly and without regret; so I’m proud of that. So this is where I am at now in my life. I am adding things to my life; I am reaching out to people and facing my fears. I hope one day to use my story to help others who have struggled just like me. And for those who took the time to read the whole thing; I know it was a long post but remember I write as much as I talk; a lot. It’s a work in progress.