Understanding my feminine side

I tend to be someone who overthinks and analyzes every thought that comes to my head; lately I been thinking a lot about how I relate to others. I know it sounds incredibly self-centered to think about yourself so much but I think we are all guilty of that from time to time.  This is a subject I have talked about a lot but it’s the issue of gender and how I see myself in regards to that.  Whenever I find myself in group setting ( work included) I find myself gravitating towards women and not in a “I’m going to flirt with them” kind of way but more in a I just feel more comfortable with women; I am a pretty expressive person and I love to talk but I can’t find myself relating to men.  I don’t enjoy the banter ( why would you call someone by their last name?) and sports are boring to me. I’d rather talk about politics or my favorite album or movie and I question why I am the way I am. I feel this is deja vu because I have talked about this so much but it has been on my mind a lot lately.  When my brother died; I found it was the girls who listened to me and were concerned about how I was. It was almost a maternal thing or a sisterly kind of thing; I didn’t plan it like that but that’s the way it happened. And it is interesting; I have never had any sisters and wasn’t close to my mom; so I wasn’t surrounded by a female presence. I have told my female friends why I am this way and they say it’s great and it’s sweet etc; I appreciate it but it sets me apart.  When it comes to making female friends it works quite well and even online about 90% of people I talk to are women; I take pride in being able to relate to women.

I relate much less to men.  I am a very sensitive person; I like to write and talk about my feelings. I feel like when I am with other men; they are judging me; making assumptions and there are times where I wish I was just like them.  I wish I didn’t take everything to heart; I wish I had more male friends ( and saying just be more masculine is an idiotic statement and doesn’t work).  I also feel being overly emotional is disaster when it comes to dating; I can’t tell you how many women I have been hung up over the years; how many times I expressed too much of how I felt; misread signals; ended up hurt and unable to move on. I think women love sensitive men as friends but never want to date one; these thoughts run through my head all the time. I work in a warehouse in a department store and the men know their power tools, car, watch sports and I just stand in the corner with nothing to say; in a sense hating myself.

When I was younger I used to be sort of jealous of women; in the sense that had closer relationships; they talked more; spent more time together. These are not normal thoughts for a little boy but I had them. I wanted to have close guy friends but its girly to just sit around and talk and even writing this sounds so feminine and I cringe at my own words.  And I tried to play sports and be tough but I couldn’t be that; it never felt right.

And some may be reading this thinking maybe I’m questioning my sexuality; I know very well who I am and I have always liked women. I am just trying to understand why my brain works the way it does; why is my feminine side so much stronger.  I always feel that some look at how I relate to women as suspect when in reality there is no ulterior motive; those who know me are aware that my intentions are always good. I will say this that I didn’t always embrace my sensitive side but once I did; I felt a lot happier; I felt I didn’t have to suppress my emotions anymore and be someone I wasn’t. I just wish I could find more of a balance between the masculine and feminine side of me.

Thanks for listening

Dave

12 thoughts on “Understanding my feminine side

  1. I have always found that certain types of people make better friends ~ writers, thinkers, creative types. They’re more willing to listen, to chat, to text/email, to open their hearts to you and without rushing off to make the next buck. They don’t think of time as money like so many others do. A lot of these people are women, but not all. I have some good male friends who fit this description too.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I wish I could meet more male who were creative types; those that wrote and expressed themselves. It is lonely to have all these feelings and you know you can’t express them. I hope I am a good friend; I hope people can rely on me to be there for them.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. If you need answers than I would say pray with an open contrite heart and ask Our Heavenly Father to provide those answers that elude you right now my friend. I enjoyed reading your post and can relate to most of what you said. We all have traits that make us who we are. Keep writing and thank you for sharing !!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I pray everyday; I ask god for guidance and the remove my fears. I also fin I feel better when I pray for others as well. Having God in my life has made me a less fearful person. I am glad you enjoyed reading my post; thank you

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Heavenly Father is working his wonders through you my friend. I can see how you have changed when writing these posts for us to read and absorb. Keep writing and I thank you for praying.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I so wish there weren’t such a gendered way of thinking/being … it would be much easier for people to just express themselves without labels. You cringe at your own words? It’s because you were taught to. There is nothing wrong with expressing emotion, but men are taught not to, many times, in Western society, because there is nothing more insulting as a boy to be called “girly.” Being a woman, I take offense to that being an insult, but alas, I digress.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I didn’t mean to upset you by the girly comment; i wrote in regards to fact that I see myself as less than masculine; i didn’t mean it as an insult. But I wish gender roles were not so narrow and that we judged on who we are individuals and not what we are expected to do based on our gender. I think hyper masculinity is incredible dangerous to not just girls but boys as well. They are taught to suppress their emotions; not cry and the only thing they are allowed to express is anger. Anyways I said enough. Thank you for comment

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I tended to favor my masculine side most of my life. Men were more approachable for me. Men were straight forward. Men were easy going and fun. I loved friendly male competition and banter. I didn’t embrace my feminine side until I reached my 40s. It was long in coming, but it came naturally when it did. Once I learned to loved both sides of myself, I became whole and now just ‘am’. Let life take you where it will. It’s all good in the end.

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