I tend to be someone who overthinks and analyzes every thought that comes to my head; lately I been thinking a lot about how I relate to others. I know it sounds incredibly self-centered to think about yourself so much but I think we are all guilty of that from time to time. This is a subject I have talked about a lot but it’s the issue of gender and how I see myself in regards to that. Whenever I find myself in group setting ( work included) I find myself gravitating towards women and not in a “I’m going to flirt with them” kind of way but more in a I just feel more comfortable with women; I am a pretty expressive person and I love to talk but I can’t find myself relating to men. I don’t enjoy the banter ( why would you call someone by their last name?) and sports are boring to me. I’d rather talk about politics or my favorite album or movie and I question why I am the way I am. I feel this is deja vu because I have talked about this so much but it has been on my mind a lot lately. When my brother died; I found it was the girls who listened to me and were concerned about how I was. It was almost a maternal thing or a sisterly kind of thing; I didn’t plan it like that but that’s the way it happened. And it is interesting; I have never had any sisters and wasn’t close to my mom; so I wasn’t surrounded by a female presence. I have told my female friends why I am this way and they say it’s great and it’s sweet etc; I appreciate it but it sets me apart. When it comes to making female friends it works quite well and even online about 90% of people I talk to are women; I take pride in being able to relate to women.
I relate much less to men. I am a very sensitive person; I like to write and talk about my feelings. I feel like when I am with other men; they are judging me; making assumptions and there are times where I wish I was just like them. I wish I didn’t take everything to heart; I wish I had more male friends ( and saying just be more masculine is an idiotic statement and doesn’t work). I also feel being overly emotional is disaster when it comes to dating; I can’t tell you how many women I have been hung up over the years; how many times I expressed too much of how I felt; misread signals; ended up hurt and unable to move on. I think women love sensitive men as friends but never want to date one; these thoughts run through my head all the time. I work in a warehouse in a department store and the men know their power tools, car, watch sports and I just stand in the corner with nothing to say; in a sense hating myself.
When I was younger I used to be sort of jealous of women; in the sense that had closer relationships; they talked more; spent more time together. These are not normal thoughts for a little boy but I had them. I wanted to have close guy friends but its girly to just sit around and talk and even writing this sounds so feminine and I cringe at my own words. And I tried to play sports and be tough but I couldn’t be that; it never felt right.
And some may be reading this thinking maybe I’m questioning my sexuality; I know very well who I am and I have always liked women. I am just trying to understand why my brain works the way it does; why is my feminine side so much stronger. I always feel that some look at how I relate to women as suspect when in reality there is no ulterior motive; those who know me are aware that my intentions are always good. I will say this that I didn’t always embrace my sensitive side but once I did; I felt a lot happier; I felt I didn’t have to suppress my emotions anymore and be someone I wasn’t. I just wish I could find more of a balance between the masculine and feminine side of me.
Thanks for listening