Is sensitivity a gift?

I struggle with the idea that I am considered to be sensitive person; it is not something I embrace entirely It’s tough to be labeled as a sensitive man in a society where men are required to be tough and hide their feelings. Sensitivity is considered a mainly female trait. I want to be like every other guy ; I don’t like talking about my feelings so much but at the same times it’s who I am; and I have to be true to myself; even if it alienates me from some people. At the same I want to fit in and I know that being so sensitive and open with my feelings makes it hard to relate others; I oftentimes feel disconnected and unable to find common interests; most guys like sports and cars; I am focused on writing or art or social causes; things that aren’t usually associate with guys. i work in a department store with tough guys who love power tools and football; if they knew that i wrote poetry and talked about my feelings so openly i would be a laughing stock; I see myself at times as weak in comparison to them.
 
When I was younger ( 8 or 9) I was a target of bullies because I was so expressive and couldn’t play sports; I was just different because I had learning disabilities.. So I mostly hung out with girls because they listened to me and never bullied me; I felt safer around them but hanging out with the girls made me an even bigger target; so I just ended up being by myself with no friends. Later on in High School I had guy friends but was never close with them; the only friendships that I had at time that I remember fondly were with girls. After my brother died they were the ones that were there for me. I don’t think any of my guys friends gave a shit; I think they just wanted me to shut up about it and move on ( which is probably still the case today)
 
As I am writing this I’m at work right now on break huddled in a corner writing on my phone trying to drown out all the noise. I read sensory overload (overwhelmed by too many sights and sounds) is a trait of highly sensitive people as well. As hard as I try I can’t drown the sound of phones ringing or music blaring; or babies crying; it makes me exhausted and every day I have to go and sit by myself for an hour and process all the chaos I to put up
 
Sometimes i cringe at the things i write; i mean them and i am sincere but i am embarrassed at how sensitive i am but i cant help it. i feel things more deeply than a lot of people and i am always lost in my thoughts; and it can be distracting. I could be at work and I’m thinking what I am going to write next or thinking about something that happened 15 years ago; going over a scenario in my head. I tend to think a lot; about how I am feeling and how others are feeling too. I really care for people and pride myself on being someone is a good friend and willing to listen to other’s troubles. I worry though a lot of about how I am perceived; which is think is another trait of a highly sensitive person.
 
I also thought that while most guys are loud and boisterous, I’m timid and quiet unless i with someone i am comfortable with ( which is rare). I don’t know how to talk to someone like that, you know. I can sense they see me as weaker; they are saying to themselves; oh he’s not a man like me. And maybe not and I guess that’s ok People have said to me oh you are so emotionally strong or i love your sensitivity; i appreciate it but a part of me remembers how i was shamed because i expressed my feelings so openly; its such a conflict for me. This struggle with my own feelings seems to be a constant theme in my writing. I often wonder why my brain is the way it is; i feel like I have female brain and let me clarify that i tend to express, write and think in a more feminine way. And it has nothing to do with sexual preference because I like women. I just relate better to women at times; they are usually the ones who respond to my writings and listen to me when i need to share my feelings. a lot of men see that as totally weak; beta male. Someone told there was no reason to be friends with women unless you want to date them; well is total bullshit. Its strange that i get along better with women yet dating has been difficult; i don’t get it; maybe its due to my sensitivity; i get overly emotional too quickly; ruining an potential relationship. that is really painful; and I take that pain and internalize it to the point where I am terrified of dating because I was hurt in the past. Why am I so self conscious and awkward? Why can’t I keep my emotions in check? I don’t know but it’s something people don’t understand about me and I don’t understand it either. I used to stay up at night asking myself those very questions and I still haven’t figured it out. I am working on becoming more confident and embracing my sensitivity; every time someone gives me encouragement i become less scared of writing my feelings with the help of my friends. That’s it for now; I hope you understand that it is never easy for me to honest and open about my feelings but i appreciate everyone who allows me to be who i am. Thank you

6 thoughts on “Is sensitivity a gift?

  1. You are the gift. If you believe as I do that events happen for a reason (fatalism!), and your faith tells you God is perfect, he doesn’t make mistakes, then you begin to embrace your place in the lives of those people who find sensitive, caring people to be welcome allies in a cold world. Empaths are self aware. Empaths volunteer their time to help those in need. You can be very proud of that.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes, I believe it is a gift and would call it compassion and is best expressed in mercy towards others. May you come to know how loved you are by the Lord and find that to be your peace with who He has made you. Thank you for choosing to follow my blog. I pray the Lord uses it to encourage and strengthen you in your life’s journey with Him.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. you are a very kind and compassionate soul and your openness will not only help you, but help others in ways you may not even realize. keep speaking your mind and heart and continue with your writing, people will support you.

    Liked by 1 person

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