I struggle with the idea that I am considered to be sensitive person; it is not something I embrace entirely It’s tough to be labeled as a sensitive man in a society where men are required to be tough and hide their feelings. Sensitivity is considered a mainly female trait. I want to be like every other guy ; I don’t like talking about my feelings so much but at the same times it’s who I am; and I have to be true to myself; even if it alienates me from some people. At the same I want to fit in and I know that being so sensitive and open with my feelings makes it hard to relate others; I oftentimes feel disconnected and unable to find common interests; most guys like sports and cars; I am focused on writing or art or social causes; things that aren’t usually associate with guys. i work in a department store with tough guys who love power tools and football; if they knew that i wrote poetry and talked about my feelings so openly i would be a laughing stock; I see myself at times as weak in comparison to them.
When I was younger ( 8 or 9) I was a target of bullies because I was so expressive and couldn’t play sports; I was just different because I had learning disabilities.. So I mostly hung out with girls because they listened to me and never bullied me; I felt safer around them but hanging out with the girls made me an even bigger target; so I just ended up being by myself with no friends. Later on in High School I had guy friends but was never close with them; the only friendships that I had at time that I remember fondly were with girls. After my brother died they were the ones that were there for me. I don’t think any of my guys friends gave a shit; I think they just wanted me to shut up about it and move on ( which is probably still the case today)
As I am writing this I’m at work right now on break huddled in a corner writing on my phone trying to drown out all the noise. I read sensory overload (overwhelmed by too many sights and sounds) is a trait of highly sensitive people as well. As hard as I try I can’t drown the sound of phones ringing or music blaring; or babies crying; it makes me exhausted and every day I have to go and sit by myself for an hour and process all the chaos I to put up
Sometimes i cringe at the things i write; i mean them and i am sincere but i am embarrassed at how sensitive i am but i cant help it. i feel things more deeply than a lot of people and i am always lost in my thoughts; and it can be distracting. I could be at work and I’m thinking what I am going to write next or thinking about something that happened 15 years ago; going over a scenario in my head. I tend to think a lot; about how I am feeling and how others are feeling too. I really care for people and pride myself on being someone is a good friend and willing to listen to other’s troubles. I worry though a lot of about how I am perceived; which is think is another trait of a highly sensitive person.
I also thought that while most guys are loud and boisterous, I’m timid and quiet unless i with someone i am comfortable with ( which is rare). I don’t know how to talk to someone like that, you know. I can sense they see me as weaker; they are saying to themselves; oh he’s not a man like me. And maybe not and I guess that’s ok People have said to me oh you are so emotionally strong or i love your sensitivity; i appreciate it but a part of me remembers how i was shamed because i expressed my feelings so openly; its such a conflict for me. This struggle with my own feelings seems to be a constant theme in my writing. I often wonder why my brain is the way it is; i feel like I have female brain and let me clarify that i tend to express, write and think in a more feminine way. And it has nothing to do with sexual preference because I like women. I just relate better to women at times; they are usually the ones who respond to my writings and listen to me when i need to share my feelings. a lot of men see that as totally weak; beta male. Someone told there was no reason to be friends with women unless you want to date them; well is total bullshit. Its strange that i get along better with women yet dating has been difficult; i don’t get it; maybe its due to my sensitivity; i get overly emotional too quickly; ruining an potential relationship. that is really painful; and I take that pain and internalize it to the point where I am terrified of dating because I was hurt in the past. Why am I so self conscious and awkward? Why can’t I keep my emotions in check? I don’t know but it’s something people don’t understand about me and I don’t understand it either. I used to stay up at night asking myself those very questions and I still haven’t figured it out. I am working on becoming more confident and embracing my sensitivity; every time someone gives me encouragement i become less scared of writing my feelings with the help of my friends. That’s it for now; I hope you understand that it is never easy for me to honest and open about my feelings but i appreciate everyone who allows me to be who i am. Thank you