Dealing with trauma

Trauma comes in all forms but sometimes something can happen to us that causes so much damage, hurt, emptiness that there will always be a hole in your heart; a perpetual broken heart that can’t be mended.  The pain never goes away whether you keep silent or tell the whole world; it remains; when you wake; throughout the day and when you go to sleep at night; it’s whether you always; a painful thorn in your side. And those who say time heals has never been through trauma; or else they realize they’d never say that. Over time you learn to live with it but the hurt is still there; you can’t snap your fingers and make it go away And it sets you apart from other people; you have knee jerk reactions and people don’t understand. I may see a movie or someone may say something and I’m always triggers; they don’t get why. There are times when I had to walk out of a classroom or a conversation because I had such a strong reaction;  people just look at me like ” why is he so upset”?   I don’t mind talking about the past but on my terms; I’m not ready to hear new information. And then I ask myself if the past upsets you; then why do you bring it up? I don’t know, that is a good question. Sometimes I have no idea why I do the things I do. But the past is hard.  I moved far away from my childhood home and I don’t like living here but when trauma struck I didn’t feel at home in the place I had grown up in all my life. So I don’t I have a home to go; one I feel comfortable in; I’m stuck in limbo; if that makes any sense. And it’s so hard to relate to other people because everything you say is depressing and you don’t want to bring people down but it’s not as easy as putting on a fake smile and move on; it doesn’t work like that. So to the people who say move on or just be happy ( whatever that means); you are speaking out of ignorance and you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about because you obviously haven’t been through so serious trauma. So they the best thing to do when you don’t understand someone is just to stay silent. It’s easy to stand on the outside and say ” move on” when you don’t have to carry the burden. I guess there is a lot of bitterness because it had to be me. So you can call this self pity or seeking attention; I call it healing. Talking/ writing about it is the best way for me to get through trauma; maybe it’s different for other people; I don’t know. I hope anyone who has been through trauma can read this and understand exactly where I’m coming from.



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