Self-doubt

I often write about feeling hurt, ignored or unloved and part of me truly feels that way despite the fact that I know in my heart that so many of my family and friends love me very much; it’s evident. I don’t hear people say we don’t love you or care about you and when I write about my struggles; I get reassurance and am again proven wrong.  In fact it seems to me that I am totally reliant on others actions and opinions of me for my self worth; which is so unhealthy; giving them all the power and leaving me emotionally exhausted. I constantly doubt myself and how I am perceived. So where does that self doubting voice come from; the one that says I’m nothing? It comes from myself and it’s not that I’m unloved; it’s that I don’t love myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t like who I see.  I don’t like how I look or talk or the way I relate to others ( which is oftentimes awkward). I’m highly self conscious about suffering from mental health and physical issues; I’m conscious I am different than others. I am conscious that I have had a difficult past which I think has defined me in people’s eyes; I have also made many mistakes which I regret. I hate being so sensitive and sometimes can be overly  emotional which drives people away. Due to being so sensitive and having many feminine traits ( writing, sharing my feelings through writing, having a disinterest in sports and other masculine traits; studying in the helping field) and being more comfortable with women in a platonic sense that people may question my sexuality; when I’m actually straight  ( I could be wrong, maybe it’s in my head) People are quick to make assumptions based on outdated gender roles. And I don’t like putting myself down but it seems to be automatic; no one has been more cruel and demeaning to me than myself. I put too much pressure on myself and nothing i can do is ever good enough for the expectations I set for myself. Even as I am writing this I am realizing I am talking too much and thinking the reader is already tuning this out. Projecting? Is that the term? As you can tell, I am totally self obsessed; it’s hard for me to stop talking or thinking or writing about myself; completely self absorbed, I know. All these traits make me dislike myself so much and question why anyone would want to know me and be my friend. When someone ( outside of my family) says “I love you” what I really hear is ” I love you in spite of..  in spite of the fact you are weird and crazy but I love you anyways. That’s my own self hatred talking; feeling totally undeserving of love. And they often say ” How can you love anyone if you don’t love yourself?” If I thought about it; I am deserving of love; everyone is. I see myself as an incredibly kind and understanding person who is passionate about helping others particularly the disabled ( I am studying to work with those who have developmental disabilities) . I will always befriend the one person in the crowd that doesn’t fit in and is ostracized; I am drawn to them. I’m a person who isn’t afraid to express his emotions openly and sensitivity  can be an asset at times. I care about the people in my life deeply and I use my writing to try to connect, relate and hopefully help others who going through similar circumstances. I think I am a determined man; I never give up; not matter how many times I get knocked down; I get right back up; I am strong. So given all that I should love myself, right? Maybe people haven’t always been kind to me and I took it to heart. For all the people who loved me over the years; there was an equal amount of people who hurt me and made me feel like I was nothing. You can’t be bullied at 8 or 9 years old and come out of it loving yourself. I hope by writing that I can figure out why i am the way i am

5 thoughts on “Self-doubt

  1. I test as an MBTI INFJ, and I’m quite certain that is the most feminine personality type of them all. It’s good to know your strengths and weaknesses, and I think that includes self-doubt.

    Our self-esteem is something we need to always fight for; claim guardianship. It’s like a child. We gave birth to it. We need to protect it. We need to teach it how to walk; how to grow into its full potential. And I think part of it is giving it permission to be curious, meet good people, and experience life; not punishing or disciplining it too much. Don’t let it stay in all day. Take it out for a walk from time to time; catch some sun and breathe fresh air. The other part of it is keeping an eye on it, not allowing strange or bad people to kidnap it to do their evil bidding. Proverbs 4:23.

    Like

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