The past is so painful for me; I try my best to forget; I distract myself; but I seem to be stuck in the past; unable to move on. I moved to another state with my family and while I’m not reminded of the memories in a physical sense; I am reminded in an emotional sense. I am going back home to come to terms with the past and every time I think of it; I go into a panic ( I know I written about this before, so bear with me). There are people in my past that I care about and I want to reconnect with them. What I really want is to let go of the past but not the people that were a part of it. I want to let go of who I was then and how I felt; I want to live in the present and I can’t do that if I cannot go back home and face what I’ve been avoiding for 20 years. Its hard for people to understand that haven’t been through trauma at a young age; through losing your brother in such a sudden and tragic way; unable to grasp what happened and not being able to express how I was feeling; but I felt helpless and hopeless. Even now I can’t say how I truly feel out loud because no one understands. To most people the past is just that; the past and nothing more. They may look back at the innocence of childhood; or the friends they had and remember them fondly. I have very few good memories; I was troubled and long before my brother died. I just want to stop having panic attacks and feeling like I’m breaking down. I want just someone to hug and tell me; it’s going to be ok; I need comfort but I’m alone here besides my parents. All I have is my writing and a very lonely existence. I’m caught between knowing that those who knew me still love me and wanting to turn them away because it hurts too much to think about those days; people must think I’m crazy. Why can life had been easier? Why can’t people understand? Its time to just let it go; I have to find a way.
Thank you for listening,