Why am I so sensitive?
All my life I have been told I am sensitive; and for the most part it has always been a compliment; although at times I didn’t take it such. I have always been very expressive and open about my feelings and it has its benefits and it’s disadvantages. I also get hurt easily which is why I always had difficulties making friends. People can see I’m easily upset and they just avoid me which makes me feel even worse. I spend my days in constant thought , where I’m going in life, past experiences. I also think about how my friends are feeling and when they hurt; i empathize and it affects me. In college, whenever we would have discussions about gender, I would shake my head. I could never relate when they talk about how men thought. I said to myself, I don’t think that way. I don’t hide my feelings, no one has to force me to be open because I’m quite vocal. I don’t care about sports or any stereotypical guy stuff, so for me it’s an uncomfortable subject; gender roles. I’m not sure if it is how I was raised or if I was born that way. I mean, no one ever sat me down and said ” This what a man is, he’s tough and plays sports etc” My parents never discouraged me from expressing myself or said I was too sensitive, in fact I would say at least my household, it was encouraged. It wasn’t until I got to school and realized that being a sensitive male was not a good thing; it made me a target and I learned that if I was to survive in school that I shouldn’t be so sensitive, at least around the guys. I have not always embraced my sensitivity because I saw it as something unmanly. When a beautiful woman who I had just met told me, you seem so sensitive, I wasn’t quite sure if it was a compliment or an emasculating insult. We are trained think that sensitivity in a man is unattractive to the opposite sex; so we hide it so we can appear more masculine. Except you are trying to be something you are not and you end up being a miserable shell of a human being incapable of having a relationship with any woman because you are constantly suppressing your feelings. The question I have is: Why am I this way? I don’t like being so sensitive at times but I can’t seem to help it. I hate talking about my feelings all the time yet here I am doing it. I know there are other men like me out there but I have yet to meet one in person ( Maybe they are too scared to admit it, I don’t know). A part of me would love to be the tough masculine guy that plays sports and has all this confidence ( Alpha Male, I think they call it); the guy who is control and can handle any situation. I would love to be that dude but I can’t; no matter how hard I try. I feel less than at times and am ashamed at how sensitive I am. Then I realize, maybe I not the one with problem. Maybe’s it’s a society that has a narrow view of what masculinity is and that none of us guys can live up to it. Maybe we are raising men that have heart-attacks at age 50 because they stuff their feelings and the stress is literally killing them. Or we’re raising men that need to dominate and control every woman they come across; being manly to them is having power over women. He’s the man in the relationship; he wears the pants. The only ways men can express their feelings without judgement is by anger. And sometimes that anger turns into violence. Maybe that’s why we live in such a violent society because men are raised to solve their problems with their fists ( or many cases a gun) than their words. Now that I think about it, something is very wrong. Maybe it isn’t me. Maybe I’m fine and it’s them. Even though it is embarrassing, I will continue to be sensitive even if it has it consequences. Not allowing boys to grow up to be sensitive men does us all a disservice. I realize we need masculine men as well but can’t the tough guys and the wimpy guys like me coexist?.